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Monday, November 15, 2010

Poverty/Hoarding & Falling on Bended Knee

I had a conversation on Poverty & Hoarding, sometimes when you look from the outside without looking on the inside you could miss the meaning. I believe Hoarding happens in poverty for several reasons.

One reason could have nothing to do with poverty itself it could be because one has never been taught in a way they can purge stuff themselves. I suffered from this as I never knew what was important to keep & what wasn't and would never throw out anything for fear of consequences to parting with things. I can remember going through things to get rid of and my Mom would go through it after and tell me no you don't want to get rid of that oh no you don't want to get rid of that, so consequently I had no clue.

Another reason could be at some point they may have lost everything or come real close and stuff became their security and sometimes if they deal with the stuff & it isn't there they will have to face themselves & their circumstances.

One Hording that someone brought up was very close to home. I was told that they knew someone who was living in poverty but she couldn't believe the amount of food they were hording. I relate to this as if I have extra money I by groceries as I try to fill up a small room we call our pantry & stalk our freezer till there is no more room. I know why when you live in poverty why you would do this. I did this because when my children were small & I hid my poverty in the closet there were several days where we didn't have enough food & I went through the day & night hungry. I never wanted to feel that pain again. I now hoard food when I have money to do it. I have learned this out of survival.

I am realizing more and more what Poverty of being means. Poverty of being is a loss of a sense of security in your surroundings & a feeling of helplessness of know way out. You feel like you are running in circles & can't figure out how to stop.

I sometimes still feel that way. I have all these dreams but I don't know what to do with them I am stuck in that circle. I remembered to day when two of my friends & I from the low cost housing had been going to Coffee connections at Church for a while and one of my friends had someone come along side of them & invite them into their lives. I should have been happy for them, but I felt even more alone, my heart ached to be noticed my heart just wanted to be a somebody who mattered. I wanted someone to be a friend & a mentor to show me the way out of the circle. I still sometimes wonder if I am stuck in that circle.

Today I found myself on bended knee praying to God to reign down on the desire of my heart, for him to Open the doors that needed opened, close the ones tight that needed to be & for him to put a guard rail on the path he wants me to take so I can’t wonder off. By chance was I taking control again & was God waiting for me to fall to my knees in prayer & release that control one more time. You think by now I would learn...not!  I got home from work today to an email from a missions organization that has a Short term Missions trip to Kenya in Sept '11.

As I am typing this my absent minded brain remembers also that I need to speak with one of our Pastors as he is from Kenya & does Missions trips to Kenya. I am finding my greatest challenges are my impulse to go charging forward & my really terrible memory. Father are you sure it's someone with theses challenges that you really want. I know I have already asked this one and you pointed to the people of the bible like Moses, in Exodus.

The Orphans are still on my mind & heart. I cont. to pray for guidance in this area as I want to walk forward but in God's will.

Wait for the LORD; 
   be strong and take heart 
   and wait for the LORD. Psalm 27:14

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