**********Please Scroll down to view Prayers, Sermon Links, Song Links, Poetry & Questions Meant to be Thought Provoking.**********

Monday, January 31, 2011

Updating Many Things

First update, my Dad.

My Dad is still in hospital & they are still not giving out any information about his condition, do to the privacy act & I haven`t been able to connect with the Social Worker or Occupational Therapist they have assigned to him. I do know though they are trying to rehabilitate him to send him home to his apartment where he lives alone & really is not capable of caring for himself anymore. His Keys & wallet are still missing.

I am scared for him that the vulture`s called family start swarming him. I constantly get asked why I care so much for someone who really was not there for me growing up. My answer is I don`t have to like the actions but I still love the man called my father and it would be different if he made his choices, separate from the mental illness he has fought for years. I know I am hurting my Mom as she watches me care for a Man that never really was in my life or supported me & because she was the one who raised us on her own & had to make it through the struggles of being a single Mom & the abuse she endured through the marriage, but I can`t turn off my feelings.

Second update, my Sister.

My Sister was admitted to hospital on Sunday after her dialysis. When we got there to pick her up you could here her screaming in pain across the ward. Her legs were going through massive cramps.Most people would stand up and walk them off but she can`t stand do to the one leg that she shattered her knee camp on the scale at the hospital & her other leg that is massively swollen and red hot with infection that they don`t know what is causing it. I find it very difficult to listen to my sisters screams of pain as it brings this overwhelming need to rescue her from her pain but then you come back to reality that there is nothing you can do to take her pain away. They have admitted her to try to get to the bottom of what is happening to her leg & to try to manage her pain so she can get rest.

Third update, my Daughter.

She is struggling to figure out how to deal with all the family crisis's & the flood of memories that are coming back from when she was seizing, I so was hoping she would not have to relive but I no this is a necessary part of healing for her. She is seeing someone through Victim services & I pray this helps. She is stressed because she had finally found a Dr. She could trust but now she is gone on maternity leave & we have been told to find another Dr. if they only knew how hard this was going to be as we have had multiple broken trust in this area.

Forth update, my Son.

Or should I say my trooper. He was sick for the weekend but is feeling better. He just started a new semester at school & is looking forward to his new classes. I do worry about him though as he has difficulty communicating his feelings & has a habit of trying to be the man of the house and protecting us.

 I also no he is a great actor as we wrapped a DS game under some Christmas cards in a box for his Birthday & he jumped up and down in excitement that he got Christmas cards and was proceeding to sit it down when we said if we knew we could get off that easy. What a monkey.

Fifth Update, HGTV Show.

Thursday they came to the house & spent 7 hrs. doing interviews with us individually & then a walk through tour of the house with my daughter & I.  I have to say the hardest part of that day was when they wanted to film us while cooking dinner & eating dinner as a family. I was so mean I no the one or two word triggers to get either my son & daughter debating or my daughter & my mother so the camera would be on them so I could eat in peace being I don`t like eating in front of people. We should here in about a week wheter or not we will be filming the actual show mid February or some other time before June.

Sixth Update, Mom.

My Mom is finally hitting the breaking point. She is loosing her empathy & her feelings are shutting down & anger is taking its place as everything around her is falling apart. She is so crippled by the pain her body is dishing out & this is frustrating her as well. I fear for her and the amount of medications she is on & the fact she is still seeing the Dr. who use to care for my daughter & this worries me.

Seventh update, Me.

I feel so blessed by the strength & peace God has renewed in me once again. God cont. to bring songs, people & scriptures to me as I need them. I made a choice to return to work today now that all my troubles are placed back at the foot of the cross. I am now back to looking forward to the pages of my life in front of me waiting in anticipation to what God is going to do next.

I spent all day Saturday at my Dad`s apartment taking pictures for the Social Worker & at the hospital visiting Dad. Sunday I went to Church & was enjoying the Sunshine when we ended up spending the rest of the day with my sister in a different hospital.

I was thinking & trying to figure out tithing as I don`t have control of my money & every time I bring it up to my Mom it is well once we get caught up on our bills we can, the only problem with that is we never catch up. When she gives me a few bucks I try to donate as much as possible but I know it is no where near 10% of my income but I can`t get past the fight.

Please continue to pray the prayer at the top left of this page. Thank you!

Saturday, January 29, 2011

God's Note Back to Me!

Today was a day of listening as God read me his note filled with his Love. He started the note with songs:

 You Are Not Alone by DownHere,
 Dancing in the Mind Fields by Andrew Peterson
(Remove the marriage refferance & replace it with my commitment to Christ)
 Miracle by Robbie Seay Band.

As I faced the day, I could feel the prayers of the body of Christ being lifted up for me as I could feel the strength & hope slowly come back into my day. I had felt so alone & God showed me I wasn't alone by surrounding me with messages of encouragement from my family in Christ, through that encouragement I found the strength to return to the word.

God spoke to me through the word as he brought words of scripture to me:

Romans 8: 28-30
2 Corinthians 1:3-11
Isaiah 40:6-8
Isaiah 40:28-31
2 Corinthians 4:15-18

We were predestined to conform to the image of God's Son( Jesus Christ ), we share abundantly in the sufferings of Christ.

God never promised us it would be easy but he did promise it would be worth it as the Joy that is coming will far  surpass the suffering we face now.

Thank you for your note God & for your Love, my arms are fully exstended as I praise you!

Friday, January 28, 2011

Dear God,

        How are you doing? I don't know if you remember me or if you are just tired of hearing my cries, because I know I am. God I can't figure out my roll in all this is, but I feel like I have done everything in my power to muck it up. I thought I had figured it all out that night I was broken & you dried my tears. All I want in my life is to find out where I fit in the scheme of things with your will. I feel right now that I have gone deaf, mute & dumb. I have lost my ability to hear you through the fog in my head. I feel like I have lost my voice I cry out & no one hears my cries. I feel dumb because I just don't get it. I don't know what I am suppose to do. I try to think & all that happens is my brain feels numb & it starts to hurt.

       God you have asked me to go to Kenya & follow you, I don't understand, how could someone like me do anything worth while for you. You gave me a gift that I don't know what to do with. I need help Father I know I can lean on you, but I don't know how. Father I am fighting this thought of wanting to beg you on my hands and knees to bring me home, as I can't do this anymore, I feel like I have failed you & all those around me as I have no more to give. Father I love you & I don't want my free will anymore please I want to be a puppet on your string where I only do what you want me to do without thought. I fall on bended knee broken inside to surrender to you.

Your broken Child,


Wednesday, January 26, 2011

Facing A Question, Why Are There No Easy Answers

I was awake this morning for not even 10 min. When I received a call from my Sister, it wasn't even 6:30 am yet, they suspected originally that she might possibly have flesh eating disease on her leg earlier, but when she was rushed to emerge they were now expecting her to have a blood clot from the results of the lab tests & she would need my mom to take her back to the hospital for 8:30 am for another test, they had pumped her full of blood thinners last night. She was balling and telling me she can't take anymore pain, she wished it was over already.

I had received less than 4hrs of sleep the night before & my head was still pounding and my cup was all dried up, I couldn't muster even an ounce of feelings of empathy for what my sister was saying, I was just numb, all I could feel was guilt for not having anymore to give The Physical signs of burn out were starting to consume me.

I went to work and my boss asked me how I was doing and my response was it really was an irrelevant term, she knew where I was coming from and asked whats up. I explained to her the calamity of yesterday & this morning. I was unable to keep from crying. She asked me if I needed to take a leave of absence as she needed all of me focusing on my job( I have paraphrased what she said). I understand that there is no point in them paying me to do my job when I couldn't keep my focus for two seconds. I ended up going to start my work when my brain drew an absolute blank. I had no more to give, my timing couldn't have been any worse as we prepare for the big RV show.

I am now faced with being off for the next three days to get everything that needs to be done, done. I have to find the answer to the question do you need to take a leave of absence. My mind is all over the map on this one. I love my job & I love the people I work with & we have so much work that needs to be done for the show. I need to be home to get everything organized with my daughter & my dad. I need to be able to pay our bills as I am the only income. Half of me needs to be at work the other half needs to be at home. What roll am I playing Mom the comforter or Dad the provider. I stay at work I risk losing my Job because I am not being productive. I go on a leave of absence I risk loosing my Job because I have already been off so much over the last couple of years as we went through so much already.

God speaks to this in Mathew 6: 24-34. He also promises to take care of the fatherless. I want to believe this & I know I do but I keep putting others wants in front of my trust for my heavenly father. I know I am serving two masters in my life & the resentment of which he is speaking of is growing like a bad weed in my life, it is like a dandelion I keep getting rid of the plant but the root keeps growing back. I can't point fingers at those around me because whether it is a conscious or unconscious choice it is still a choice I am making.

I fear making conscious decisions for the fear of hurting someone & by doing that I end up hurting myself .

I know these are lessons I still need to learn & I pray by God's grace he will cont. to teach me to walk in his steps & help me to serve only one master him.

Oh and on top of all this already stressful week we have a film crew coming from HGTV to film a pilot to show called Consumed to show there producers. I have been told by many I should cancel this but I hesitate to do this because all the stuff in our house from my mom & me moving in together & now my Grandmothers stuff from her house when she passed away all in our one not large house is to me a removable stress & right now I need to get rid of stress that can be removed.

Please cont. to pray for God's will to be done in all of this & if you could join me in the prayer to the left of the screen lifting up the people of this world I would greatly appreciate it.

When All You Can Do Is Laugh.

I woke up this morning not feeling very well rested, as I couldn't get all the suffering out of my head. I headed off to work to realize half way there that I was starting to feel the physical effects of stress. Why is it the first thing to go is the memory? I had gotten half way to find out that the broken part of my partial I could still wear so I can talk & eat, as long as I glued it in was still sitting in the container at home, this was the beginning. Most of my day consisted of brain farts, you know when you are thinking & then all of a sudden you loose what you are thinking I call those brain farts.

I was so glad to see the end of the work day as I just didn't want to be around people today. I had made a decision earlier in the day that I really couldn't face going to my Pastorate tonight, God had different plans, I arrived home to my Mom surprising me to her cooking me a Lasagna to take to the Pastorate. Off I was getting ready for the Pastorate. We heard something that sounded like a bomb go off in the Kitchen. Mom went to put their dinner in the oven to find out the glass in the door was the bomb sound we heard, it had exploded. All we could do was laugh.

I went to drop my daughter off at her Pastorate & Her soup in a crock pot. Warning be careful when turning corners while giving a ride to a Crockpot full of noodle soup. My daughter opened up the side sliding door on the van to find noodles & soup all over the floor. All my Daughter & I could do was fall over laughing, what else can you do?

I couldn't stop laughing & it felt good to laugh. I Praise God for the ability to still laugh.

I was listening to the song by Brandon Heath on the way home called “Give Me Your Eyes” this has been my prayer from the time I first heard it. While listening to it the words give me your heart for those who are suffering resonated in my soul & a peace came over me as I thought how best to have a Heart for those who are suffering, but to have an understanding of what they are feeling,

We got home for the night to find out my Dad was doing a bit better & my sister was taken to the emerge at the hospital. I am so glad the day is coming to the end, but I have one question; why was the name "a series unfortunate events"already taken.

 I know this must sound weird but I know God has a plan for all we go through & I trust that this will all work out in his perfect timing, to his perfect plan & in time he will show me insight like he has in the past, when I have come out of the other end of the trial. Please continue to pray for my family as God is listening.

Monday, January 24, 2011

A Heart Torn...

Today was a challenging day as I went to work, my heart was torn. I went to work as I couldn't stop getting my Mom's voice out of my head  " I worked far to long to get where I am now to loose everything, you have to go to work or we will loose our house!!" my heart did not agree. I also heard my employers voice in my head saying "We have lots we have to get ready for the RV show next week!!" I heard my daughters voice saying that " I miss the time we had together when I was sick, I feel like you have left me!!", I Heard "The Police have found your Dad, he is in the hospital with a Subdural Hematona ( bleeding in the brain)!" I heard my daughter cry "Mom I can't take it anymore, I keep on getting close to people and they keep getting taken away, I can't do this anymore!!" "Mom I'm remembering all the horrific things I could not remember before about the seizures & everything I did" I hear the "silence" of my son as due to his Autism he can't express how he is feeling but you know it is effecting him as the frustration he is experiencing gets higher. My thoughts go back to loosing my Grandma & knowing my sister is dieing. I started to feel like I was this empty shell that the only thing that was holding me up was God. I felt the anger swelling inside me as I started to resent not being able to be with my family & knowing the people I work with I care about & I was letting them down & I was so scared I would uncontrollably erupt on someone I cared about because I couldn't contain myself no longer, I was burnt out, I am burnt out physically & emotionally.

My heart wanted to be with my family, I wanted to wrap my arms around them and say its going to be ok, but then I was faced with how can I tell them this one more time. I have spent the last two years telling them it is going to be ok we will get through it, but every time we thought it was going to be ok the bottom fell out & we would start over again.

I know God did not say it was going to be easy in this world we will suffer for a while, but he does tell us that this war has already been one as he holds the keys to death & Hades.

I can't expect my kids to not feel the pain, because my heart breaks, I'm an adult & I am finding it hard to proccess all this suffering how can I expect them to. The Pain is real, the pain is horrific & accepting that there is nothing you can do of your own strength and loosing that sense of control is horrific. Allowing yourself to lean on God means giving up that control and as people go, we tend to like to have some sense of control over our lives. I know I need to continue to daily give up that control & trust God with what we are going through & pray God takes the pain away & finds some way to find balance in my life so I can support my family in every way I need to. I am tired now & I still have to pick up my baby girl from university tonight & then get up in the morning to face another day...Night....

Sunday, January 23, 2011

Made for Hollywood

I can't get this picture out of my head, the one you see in the movies & on TV.  The picture of a witness standing up for what they believe in by being a witness. You now pan out to see the bad guy do everything in his power to scare and intimidate the witness include threatening their lives. When the bad guy can't get to the witness this way he goes after the people the witness cares about. We know even if the witness gives in to the pressure there will be no good outcome because the bad guy can't leave loose ends just in case it comes back to him again.

I feel like this has been my life, the more I witness to God's great work in my life & praise him the more the devil try's to intimidate me to know avail and because I have witnessed first hand God's Great Power I am not willing to sway. Well now I feel he is going after the ones I love by using spiritual warfare & I know that by me giving in to it nothing good will come of it.

I will daily put on the Armour of God & Pray over my family. I know God will get us through the valley as we enter the next trial as he has got us through so much already.

I went to see my Dad today, under his hospital robe you could see the bones under his flesh he has become so skinny. He was unshaven. I was looking at this old frail man called my Dad, but I was also looking at a little kid not sure of much. I was seeing for the first time a frail old man who once I feared. I was once again reminded how brittle our life is hear on earth & how rapidly things can change.

I thank God for giving him the ability to call the ambulance & I praise God for sending them to a place where a man told them he couldn't swallow his pill. God was taking care of him by allowing circumstances to develop where they might not have. My Dad has Subdural Hematoma & a broken shoulder. He went for a CT scan  while we were at the Hospital. 

We were unable to get many details past that, as here we have a privacy act which limits the amount of details they can release about a patient without consent. Unfortunately, my Dad was not of presence of mind to list us as next of kin & that is the only one they can release it to. We have to wait now until we are contacted by the Social worker assigned to him, hopefully tomorrow.

We ended up speaking to one of the nurses. The Nurse thought it very doubtful that he would be returning to his apartment as she did not feel he would pass a competency test.

God gave me the strength when I needed it today & aloud me to cry when I needed to. I started out the day fighting with my daughter to get out of bed as this thing with her Papa was the last emotional straw for her & she couldn't find the strength to face the day. I was trying to get her up for Church but I was starting to back myself into a corner that would have aloud Satan to win by making sure non of us made it to Church so off we went. I was now faced with the possibility of repeating history with that day back when I was seven and my Dad denied knowing me & possibly facing the immanent  loss of my Dad and now my daughter was facing depression & spiritual warfare.

My son & I went to Church. After the service, My son & I approached the Pastor to ask for the Church to pray for my Dad & My daughter. I was unable to fight back the tears & after the Pastor prayed for us we were leaving when we bumped into a couple that leads our Pastorate & I couldn't fight the tears & they also prayed for us, then we went home.

When me and my Mom reached the hospital I felt a great strength & peace to face what I needed to & speak what needed to be spoken, I actually felt I was in control of what needed to be done. I know this was not of my strength it was God who was holding me strong.

I will continue to trust in the Father, the Son & the Holy Spirit to Guide me & give me strength to persevere.

I thank you for your Prayers

Saturday, January 22, 2011

Continuing to Reflect & Beginning to Look Forward.

God is continuing to show me where he was in the valley of the shadow of death & how he no matter how bad it got he gave me the strength to persevere.

When my daughter went through the prescription induced seizures she would witness us being murdered over & over again as she was living through drug induced focal seizures. She would be absent from knowing we were there and we would, in her mind, become the attackers as I tried to restrain her as she fought for her life & the life of her family.

I remember asking myself as I was restraining her how I could stay emotionally detached from what was happening. I also didn't understand how I could continue to restrain her through the bites, punches & bruises from past seizures as I was black & blue all over and filled with bight marks. I never once felt the pain from these even though it looked horrible. God is telling me the answer now. Jesus was there with me, I may not have seen him but he was standing in front of me between me & my daughter, he was sheltering me from the pain. He was giving me the strength to make it to the next moment. God is the one who aloud me not to waver from believing in my daughter when everyone was telling me that she is probably playing it up for the attention. I knew all along that this wasn't her I knew it had something to do with the medication, this was on my heart the whole time and I know now that this was God's gift to me. God had placed this on my heart to keep me going.

God had also placed on my heart the knowledge deep with in me that I was not alone & that he had a purpose, I may not have know it but I would when the time was in his time.

My daughter since being weaned off the medication has still managed to Graduate & has started University. She is back to her old self & has been free of the seizures since the medication was removed over a year ago. She still needs everyones prayers as she still reals with the trauma she experienced in that year & struggles being able to forgive those involved & fears that she will be judged for it even though it wasn't her fault..

God used that year to shape me to who I am now. I can't explain it to those I know, but I have totally died to who I was and God has moved residence from my thoughts, my mind & has moved into my heart. The song by Jason Grey " More Like Falling in Love" explains it the most. I have fallen in Love with my Saviour. I trust him with every aspect of my life. I don't fear anymore if my bill's will be paid, I don't worry anymore if our needs are going to be met. I don't worry if my paycheck isn't the full pay check because money is no longer a worry, because I know if I do my best & stay focused on Christ he will take care of me because he loves me & he knows what I need. I know that in this life I have nothing to fear because God brought me through the valley of the shadow of death and he will not forsake me.

I have a desire in my heart to follow my Saviour where ever he leads me. God has put Kenya on my heart and today he has put a desire to become a den mother to an orphanage. I do not know how God will do this or when he will do this but I know it is for me to be still, to be in his word, to listen & to be willing to move when he asks me too.

As I leave you we just received a call, Nobody had been able to get a hold of my Dad so my Mom finally contacted the Police from his town. They just called us to tell us he is in hospital with a Subdural hematoma & it doesn't look good. Please Pray for him, as through God all things are possible.

Saturday, January 15, 2011

Finding what I had lost....

I have been committing my thoughts to focus on Jesus's Merci & Grace, by doing this I am noticing a change. Change is definitely a good thing at this point. I am noticing my out look for the day is changing to a more positive one as I find Jesus's guiding me through the holy spirit to be sensitive to what he is doing in my life.

I started writing this and the beginning has become the end as I prayed that God would open my eyes to the mercy & grace that I witnessed when we were going through the over 60 911 calls, after I prayed the memories started flooding back but they were different this time. The Memories were of moments that God is telling me remember when this all began & you were driving on the freeway & your son brought out the bible that he didn't know was in the vehicle & started resiting bible verses as your daughter was going through her first episode(seizure we know now), remember your mom sitting next to you reciting scripture & asking your son to look up certain verses, I was there. Remember the fireman that helped get you off the freeway & were talking to your daughter with kindness & care, I was there. Remember every time after when your family had to call 911 to here a calming voice of care on the other end, I was there. Remember the countless faces of firefighters, paramedics & police officers that came to your aid in compassion, empathy and care, I was there. Remember when the church you are attending circled around you in support & were available day & night at a moments notice & the relationships you ended up building with the body of Christ, I was there. Remember when you had no money to pay your bills and in perfect timing the exact amount you needed was put in front of you & most of the time by a anonymous donation, I was there. Remember when your boss told you that they had put out a collection to help you from work & your co-workers donated without hesitation, I was there. Remember when an ambulance came from the town beside yours & was able to get you to the hospital in their town & did, I was there. Remember when the nurse at that hospital went to the same place your daughter did for the summer & new her, I was there. Remember when you heard seizures from that hospital for the first time & a seed was planted, I was there. Remember when a perfect stranger heard your tears because you couldn't afford the parking at the hospital, she turned around & paid your parking for a week, I was there. Remember when you found out your kids birth Dr. was practicing out of the clinic in the town you once lived in. I was there. When you cried out to me that you couldn't do this anymore on your own, I was there to dry your tears & take your burdens from you & place them in my hands. Jesus was walking with me from beginning to the end. When I was unable to stand on my own no longer he carried me. I know now he is telling me it is ok, he is holding on to me and it is time to put my feet back on the ground & walk with him.

Now back to the beginning which has become the end. Over this last bit as I refocus I have noticed the Merci & grace through the compassion & care coming out of my co-workers as tragedy brings us closer together as more of a family.

I also realized today & I had thought about it briefly in the past, but every time I do my Job I have experienced God's Merci & Grace on many levels. Merci by allowing me to work at a place that allows me to be open & practice my faith. I can listen to 106.5 without fear of judgement. I can read my bible in the lunch room without fear. Best of all I am not criticized for speaking openly about my faith. in some places in this world I would be crucified for doing this. Thank you Jesus For your Grace & Merci!

I have also come to the conclusion it is through God's Merci & Grace that I am able to do my job. I am realizing that the Holy spirit guides me & when I listen I am able. Praise Jesus for the Merci & Grace he has given in the Holy Spirit to guide me.

I will still be learning & I probably always will be, but through Jesus all things are possible as he guides me through my day.....I can look towards the future with the knowledge the war that is being waged has already been one when our Saviour Jesus Christ was Crucified on the Cross.

Wednesday, January 12, 2011


As I read the Blog to the wife of a coworker that passed away, I look at the faith she has as she publicly forgives the one who caused the accident that took the life of her husband. I read her words & see that she is trying to keep her focus on where Jesus meets her in each & everyday.

I realize that my focus has been binded to the tragic events in my life, this has taken my focus off where it needs to be at all the time, on Jesus. When our eyes are open and willing to search for Jesus in our days we will be able to see the Merci, Grace & Joy he has for us beyond the tragic events.

 We see Jesus in the people & situations in our day, they are not always huge they can be something as simple as a smile at just the right moment you need it, it could even be by a no that came at the time and you don't understand why but when you look back you are thankful because now wouldn't be possible without that no. or it could even come in walking in the grief of a person you really don't know and allowing yourself to feel their pain. I am also finding you can find Jesus when you allow yourself to feel the pain of what you are going through because you will see that Jesus is your strength, comforter & healer, if you keep your eyes open & are willing to see him & trust him.

I am going to try to take charge of my thoughts & my tongue. I will try to replace every burden with a thought of Jesus's Merci & Grace. I will look for him in the weeks, days, hours & minutes of my life. I know this will take time to do & I know I will stumble. I will pray for Jesus to guide my every step. I would appreciate your prayers as Jesus keeps on teaching me & healing me. Please Pray through Philippians 4:6-8.

Saturday, January 8, 2011

Don't believe in Coincidences/Not feeling why people react the way they do..

I don't believe in coincidence. I had phoned victims services yesterday to talk to the lady I had talked to when my son was assaulted at school, she had told me that she may be able to help us with what my daughter went through. She was not in yesterday, but was in today, so I called her at first coffee today. I had spoke with my boss in the morning about making the call because I was sure it would take longer than my coffee break and she said no problem. God so blessed me with where I work & the people I work with.

I looked for a quiet private place to talk to the lady from victim services. I found myself in the storage room under the stairs. I was able to connect with her & everything just started poring out. I felt like I was talking to an old friend I knew for years, I met Jesus in that call, I heard his loving, compassion & kindness. I heard his tears as I told all that I was facing in my heart & shared the pain that was tearing a hole in my heart. I received an open heart willing to share in my pain as I heard the voice crack on the other end of the phone. God had brought us together, I say this because I don't believe in coincidences. I heard her share that she could understand my pain as she had experienced the pain I was feeling as she in the passed almost lost her daughter do to miss diagnoses & was terrified at the time to let them near her daughter for fear of them causing more harm & possibly death. She told me it took time to be able to get passed it to the point of being able to move on, though not forgetting.

We had spoke for a while & I had shared some of the traumas of my past & how they were easier to walk away from but this I could not escape. She asked me if I had dealt with the past & I told her not until we went through the Trauma with my daughter & started to see the counselor. The counselor had helped me break free of the past through prayer. I had told her how it was like the weight of a wall crashing down from in front of me, even though I have some smaller walls to contend with, it was very freeing. I know from my past that by not dealing with the traumas in my life I started spiraling down into self punishment. I started to abuse myself because I didn't feel worthy of anything else. I was shrouded in shame & the more I self punished the deeper the shame grew. I felt to blame for all that had happened to me it wasn't until I started to talk to the counselor & started to submerge myself in the Church that I found out that what I knew was wrong with what I was thinking, I thought it was true. I was finding out that my truth was not real.

I truly know that God had brought us together because what were the chances of us meeting, especially the way we met through my son being assaulted something totally unrelated to what would end up being a connection we had of an experience with our daughters. She has offered an ear to listen when ever we can connect, whether it her be calling me or me calling her. God brought us together.

After talking with her & realizing that when I explain my life experiences & what I am facing now people sit back in stunned expression to what is my life, at least those who I have shared with on a much deeper level. I don't see myself any different than anyone else, we all face the trials this world has to bring. I know that I have Jesus to get me through and I am positive this is how I make it.

Thursday, January 6, 2011

Realizing it is Part of the Healing

 Yesterday we had gathered together to receive updates on the family of a co-worker who suddenly & tragically past away after a car accident, there was also time to share memories of times with our co-worker & a chance to pray for the family.

I was able to hold back the tears & thought I was fine until I started walking from one building to the other after the meeting. I was walking when this overwhelming feeling of sorrow came over me. I couldn't hold back the tears. I found myself thinking if I could only make it through the office, through the shop to the bathroom in the middle I might be able to collect myself so I can make it through to the end of the day. I couldn't hold it back the more I tried the harder it got & the louder I ended up balling my eyes out. All I could here was God telling me this is part of the healing. I realized at that moment that I was unable to let others see my emotions, I had build such a high wall of protection around me, that I was unable to allow myself to be vulnerable and all I could here is this is part of the healing.

I ended up telling my boss I had to leave as I had turned into a babbling brook, she told me to take time to collect myself before I drove home. I sat in the van for a bit & realized I had an overwhelming need to go to Church, I called the Women's Pastor at the Church & she was able to see me right away, so off I went.

All I could here God telling me this is part of the Healing. I had realized that I was still healing from the trauma we had experienced in 2009 & the death of our co-worker was the final straw that popped the cork of the pain I had hidden away in my heart. I was able to talk to the Women's Pastor about all the grief I was experiencing, the grief from the trauma of 2009, the grief from the loss of a co- worker. How I had found myself stuck. I had made a conscious decision to forgive those who hurt my daughter, my family & me, but I realize after talking to the Women's Pastor that I haven't been able to emotionally forgive them. After we talked, I realized that I was grieving not being able to get justice for my daughter & my family. I was also grieving the fact I was unable to protect my daughter & my family. I know it will take time and I know God will heal & deliver us in his perfect time.

God has also revealed to me because of this wall I had formed around my life to keep me safe has actually hurting myself more than not having it. You see by having this wall I haven't allowed anyone truly into my life, I haven't aloud anyone to get to know me. I have isolated myself from the body of Christ, my friends, family & coworkers & the support that everyone needs to get through the tough times & to celebrate the good times.

I received a taste of what I was missing when we went through the trauma as I  found myself hiding from the pain by running to the Church, by volunteering, bible studies. God drew me to the Church to show me what fellowship was & the unconditional love through that fellowship and I reflect back now and also see that he was showing me that it was ok to become vulnerable, that I would not be judged. During that time God encouraged me to email my testimony to some of my Church family & as I did that I could feel the freeing effect it had on me as I didn't have to where the mask around them anymore & that mask can be so heavy.

I'm realizing as I type this could God be asking me to take the next step of faith & trust him and allow myself to become vulnerable with those I know outside the Church because He will not let me fall, but he will deliver me from the chains that still hold onto me, so I can become completely free in Jesus Christ.

I know now that I have to face what I need to face & feel what I need to feel so God can heal me in his mighty way. I thank God for his Grace & Mercy

Sunday, January 2, 2011

Where Do You Turn?

Last night I was faced with a dilemma, Where do you go to help your child when the very people you go to caused the problem?

I had mentioned before that every time I think the trauma of 2009 is behind us, it comes back to say "Hi, I'm still here!", this is what I meant.

I am finding my daughter is facing the same questions I have faced. "What if?" What if I spoke louder? What if I said no? What if I didn't take the medication they gave me? What if I stood up to the Dr.'s?..........., then we get into the "I should have...." I should have spoke up for myself! I should have said no! I should have refused to take the medication!, I should have fought back! I Should have.......

My  Questions & Should haves are not much different. What if I had made them listen? What if I had said no? What if I had refused to let them give her all the medications? What if I had stood up to the Dr. & not taken their word for every thing? What if I had trusted my instincts and weaned her off the medications when I wanted to?.....then we get into "I should have......" I should have made them listen! I should have said no! I should have refused to let them put her on the medications! I should have stood up to the Dr's better, I shouldn't have taken their word for everything, their human, they make mistakes too! I should have trusted myself & my instincts and taken her off the med's when I wanted two way back in the beginning! I should have aloud the Dr. to laugh in my face, I should have done something about it!

"What if's" & "Should haves" are great but they are living in the past & the past is written, the past can't be changed. We have a choice to make now to either let the past that can't be changed to control our future or we can press on & try to get passed the passed.

I think what makes it hard & this is something we are both fighting & struggling with is we are almost a 100% positive that everyone involved in the trauma are continuing on with their lives like nothing happened, without a thought of what they put us through & what they did, while we continue to live with what trauma has been left from what we experienced, especially my daughter who fears this will effect her future as it has already effected how she learns & thinks.

I feel this is worse than any past abuse I have experienced, because then when it was over it was over you could make the choice to not be around the situation & people again. How do you do that when it is a medical system that has left the trauma, I think it would have been different if it had been just one person in that system, but it was every person in that system, other then the first responders & a handful of nurses, that we came in contact with in that system. How do you escape needing that system or be able to trust another one because you once trusted this one? You get ill you need to rely on this system, you have an accident you need to rely on this system.....so on & so on.

I know on my own strength I can't get through this but I know when every thing falls apart God's arms will hold me together. The song that speaks to this is "Everything Falls by Fee".

I know when God's plans that are needed to be completed through  this, what we need to grow from this & what he needs to use to grow others through this, God will deliver us. I know this because he has delivered me before & when I reflected back I saw this happen.

The Song "You are More by Tenth Avenue North" helps me to remember what the Gospel means & the Hope it gives me.

When everything falls apart in your life keep holding on to God. He will get you through, even if at the time it seems impossible.

Saturday, January 1, 2011

New Years Resolution

I normally don't make New Year resolutions as when I was younger, I always found they lead to disappointment & failure. I don't know why but this year it has been put on my heart to make two resolutions or promises to myself this year.

The first one is to find a way out of poverty and I know that means learning a new way that is out of my norm, because obviously the way I have been doing it isn't working. I need to seek out Christan counsel I can trust to mentor me & help me build a strong foundation. I will do this by asking questions and making sure they are in line with God's truth according to scripture.

The second is to find out how to get past the trauma my family faced in 2009 as it has become a form of bondage in my life that I can't get free of, no matter how much I think it is behind me it keeps coming back and maybe if I can find away to get free from it I can help my family get free of it.

Father I know nothing is impossible for you, help me to learn from this & grow. Give me the strength & peace to stay fixed on Jesus. I know the water may get deeper before I reach the other side father help me to keep my faith & not sink from fear when the winds come, save me Jesus from myself.
In Jesus Precious Name Amen.