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Wednesday, December 29, 2010

You Really Never know! (More info released on accident.)

A family got up yesterday morning with all of the plans for the day, believing they had all the time in the world. They went about their day, when unannounced to them someone that day would be going about there day and make a choice that they would never take back, they went around someone turning left by going into the oncoming lane of traffic where they hit the families mini van head on. One moment there was a family of five and in the next moment there was a family of four fighting for their lives. You really never know!

There was a loss of a son, a husband, a father, a friend & a co-worker to many yesterday. We don't have all the time in the world, so don't live life with regret, live life as like it could be your last moment. I posted a letter earlier to my children because I don't ever want to leave them without them having something they can keep coming back to when they need to be encouraged, because I love them & I mean every bit of what I said.


after posting this more information was released on the accident the driver who went into the oncoming traffic swerved to miss the car turning left into the driveway. News Release

Monday, December 27, 2010

Darkness & Wings Clipped

I had found myself shrouded in darkness with a heavy spirit this last few days, but the light has returned.

 I realized today that I was having my wings clipped, just like a bird does to stop it flying off God was clipping my wings so I wouldn't fly off in my own direction. I don't always connect the dots right away.

I find I spend more time with God at work than at home. I know that sounds strange but at work I can listen to Praise & worship music through Praise 106.5 or my IPod. I can also find quiet time during lunch & coffee's to read my bible, if I learned anything through the trial the more time I stay focused on God the easier life is to deal with. When I am at home life gets in the way, schedules are so busy God seams to get left to the side except for grace. I so want to break this cycle, I don't like feeling the way I do when God isn't constantly in the picture in my life.

Today I was able to listen  to Praise 106.5 all day as I worked. God used the music to speak to my soul, reminding me of what he told me during the trial of last year. God told me grab on to my hand I won't let you fall, with that came a flood of peace & joy as my focus was back on God & the trust he taught me to have in him.

I had spent the four days I had off on focusing on my Sister & my family, then focusing on the feeling of helplessness creped in & then that was it. I don't know if you have seen the new Chronicles of Narnia movie "The Voyage of the Dawn Treaders" that just came out, there was a scene near the end where they had to be careful that they didn't allow their fears into their thoughts because they would become real. Satin preys on our doubts & fears, if we are not guarding ourselves with the Armor of God, he will use them to way down our spirit and put us into darkness as we fall to our sinful nature. I failed to guard myself by putting on the full Armor of God this last four days and in doing that fell to the devils schemes, but today God grabbed a hold of me & told me he wouldn't let me fall.

Saturday, December 25, 2010

Christmas Day

Today started off quietly with my son not waking till almost 7 am & he isn't the pushy one, so his Nana slept until I put one of the dogs on her bed at 8 am. She slowly got herself out of bed. I was still struggling with facing the day as I knew now that this Christmas when everyones families would be getting together, mine would not be.

This would be the year where all 15 of us would turn into 6 of us getting together. My family decided that they didn't want the stress of my Dad as he is in his 80's living alone, has lost every ounce of hygiene & the focus of anyone other than himself, we figure he is undiagnosed Autistic. I didn't agree with it but I am only one of many. My brother & his family spent Christmas Eve with her family but choose not to come to our family celebration. My daughter is miles away.

We started unwrapping presents, I didn't do shopping this year as with all the days off work due to illness money was in short supply & I really had lost the drive to buy presents this year. My Mom had given me some of her money to go shopping with but how do you spend someone else's money, knowing full well you would never be able to repay them & then give the gifts from you, to me that would be living a lie.

My Mom did all the shopping this year & bought some wonderful gifts for the kids. My son got to open his & loved every last one of them. My daughter has to wait till she comes home.

You ask where did Jesus Birth come into our day today it didn't as me & my to kids are the only ones that make a big deal about it, most of my extended family are not Christians or Church going people and get grumpy when it is mentioned. My son said grace over our meal at my sisters house & it was extremely uncomfortable for everyone. I Pray for the day that Christs Birthday becomes the center of our whole  families Christmas Day.

I have to say through the kayos of yesterday of Sister having surgery, dialysis, car breaking down and finding out that close friends were dealing with serious medical stuff in their family, that they were just told, God blessed me with an early Christmas Present.

My Nephew from a unchristian family anniciated grace at lunch & then when asked if we were taking him home or would he like to go to the Christmas Eve service with us he choose to come with us to church, He had never in his 16 yrs. step foot into a Church & he loved the service & was amazed at the quantity of people that also attended. I saw light shining in his eyes before the day was out & I hadn't seen him this happy in a long time.

I think I have found this to be a Christmas that was a blue one for me because I witnessed what was disintegrate into what is now.

 I lean my hope on what the Birth of Jesus meant for those who believe.

Merry Christmas Everyone!!!

Friday, December 24, 2010

Yesterday & Today Christmas Eve

Yesterday I broke down & went with my Mom to help her with my Sister & spent the day doing my favorite thing Shopping, not. I do have to admit though it was nice spending time with my Big Sister, but it is hard listening to the pain she is in it makes you feel so helpless to do anything. I wanted to so take her to the church to have the elders pray over her but I am sure that is way out of what she would allow.

I find the battles I face with family are so complicated because I Love them so and that will never change but because you love someone doesn't mean you love their actions & this is where the struggle begins. I know this struggle all to well as a product of a single parent & watching my children go through the same struggle. You love both your Parents but you don't always like there actions & this tears you up inside because guilt for those feelings take over. Christmas brings up allot of those conflicts as what use to be simple becomes complicated as you try to find what best works for all but inevitably it isn't going to work for everybody. See the Simple is the kids wake up at home with Mom & Dad start the Christmas morning without the stress of if I like Dads presents will it hurt Mom, But if I like Moms presents will it hurt Dad. Where am I spending Christmas this year & with who. I hope you get what I am trying to say, the brokenness of the family continues even after the separation it can't be escaped.

I wake up this morning realizing that it is already Christmas Eve & I am feeling numb as this Christmas isn't what I remember of Christmas. Christmas this year is the first Christmas without my Nana as she passed away in July. She was the glue to hold the family together & loved Christmas nick nacks. We all found ourselves thinking boy Nana would like that as we went through the stores & the realization that she won't be here & all the emotions that come with that. :..o(

I also no that this is our first Christmas without everyone together as it doesn't look like my Dad & possibly my Brothers family won't be spending Christmas with us as family this year. What really makes it difficult but I understand why & it was something she wanted & needed to do, my daughter is spending her first Christmas in 18 yrs away from home & not even close by as she has gone to another Province in Canada to spend it with her Dad this year, so I can tell you the worldly view of Christmas this year, the shopping for presents & the hustle & bustle & baking has died for me this year. I feel really bad for feeling numb this year because my son is still here as his Dad only sent Airfare tickets for his sister & this isn't fare for him, it is his first Christmas with out his Great Grandma & now without his Sister.

I know all of this is not what the meaning of Christmas is, Christmas is the Birthday of God's only son Jesus Christ & this is where I am trying to keep my focus this year amongst all the sadness & lack of funds for Christmas.

Follow this link to the true meaning of Christmas: The Birth of Jesus

 I pray that you unwrap the Gift of light God has given us amongst the Darkness this Christmas in the birth of his only son, Jesus Christ.

I would like to wish you a 
Merry Christmas!! 

Wednesday, December 22, 2010

Getting News & later experiencing conflict, not knowing whats right.

Well today was the day I went to the Cardiologist. I drove the hour long drive alone with my IPod cranked listening to my favorite praise/worship songs & Christmas tunes. I was so at peace for what ever the outcome.

I arrived to park in the free parking at the top of a steep hill & at the bottom of that hill was my appointment, no problem I thought & off down the hill I walked to my appointment. I waited for a little bit & then went in.

Dr. asked me if I thought I could do a stress test right now, if you don't know what a stress test is it is a test where you are hitched up to a bunch of wires that read your heart, while you start walking on a tread mill on an incline & as you go it speeds up & this continues until you can't do it anymore, then they get you to lie down as quick as you can and take your vitals.

After the stress test, I went back to the Dr's office next door. The Dr. explained that the hole in my heart will most likely need to be closed eventually but was ok to monitor right now & the reason for all the measuring & Stress test was so they had a base line measurement to compare future tests on. He said it was like flipping a coin on when it will need to be operated on but if I start experiencing, labored breathing reduced ability to do things or more flutters in my chest I am suppose to come back, otherwise I am to make an annual appointment to have an ultrasound & stress test done and my Dr. to monitor me the rest of the year. I praise God for the Good News!

Later tonight I had one of my triggers tripped that allows me to vent every feeling I have oppressed. Yes this is a uh oh moment, a moment where frustration rules & common sense leaves the building. I find my feelings at this point don't line up with the way I know they should & this opens up feelings of guilt, some times hate red for myself & confusion on what I should be feeling.

You see since I went through the trial with my daughter & got connected to my family at church I realized that I could be myself & not be criticized for it or be changed. I finally knew what unconditional love is. I now find myself struggling between the two worlds of my past & the what I know now, I am finding they are fighting for me within my being. I love my Mom & my family, but I know that relationships in my past were dysfunctional, but the programing is still there. I think that this is where I need to get on bended knee & ask God for guidance & strength to face what should be.

Last year when my daughter was going through what she went through my mom was with me when she had to be because we live in the same house & the rest of my family were no where to be found, we were on our own.

My trigger these days seem to be my family because I feel I am only associated with  when I can do something for them, I don't know if you have experienced one sided relationships. The trigger tonight was I have the next four days off work & I had made plans to devote the first two to baking for Christmas with my son to put some normalcy back into this Christmas for him, as his Dad is not sending for him & his sister will be spending Christmas with there Dad as she is already there.

I was told tonight that because my sister got out of hospital tonight that we were taking her to get her wheel chair tomorrow, taking her dog to the beauty parlor & taking her shopping since she hasn't started because she was in hospital. I understand these are needs she has & I should be compassionate and the thing to do would drop everything and help her. She is dieing & this is the right thing to do, but know for some reason I can't get free of the resentment I have towards my family. I think I have been mostly to blame for allowing myself to be put in this position.

Over the years I have always put myself last & would drop everything if asked for help & before I knew it I had lost me & not allowed anybody to know me because I was so busy trying to rescue my family always no matter what. Well now I so tired of being this person anymore that this is coming out on my family. I want to follow Christ but I have built a brick wall of not wanting to disappoint every one in my life I find I put God on the shelf sometimes because I am to busy being the person without a me. I struggle with guilt because all the reasons to help my family are good ones & they have been for years now, but I am so tired of living up to their expectations of who I should be & now that I know I can be excepted for who I truly am I don't want to be that person my family wants anymore. I feel Guilty but I would love to stand on a ladder & scream here I am please get to know who I am, there is a real person here inside that is trying to come out. I love to help people but I don't like feeling used & abused. I don't want to change who I am so I can receive your love.

I am so glad that my Saviour loves me unconditionally & has showed me what that means. I want to spend my life showing those who are like I was not knowing what unconditional love is & I would like to give them mine & introduce them to my Saviour who showed me.

Father help me be free of the resentment that poisons my heart towards my family & help me extend them your forgiveness, grace & unconditional love as I can't do it on my own.  Amen In Jesus Christ name.

Tuesday, December 21, 2010

Conviction, Prayer, Anointment & Healing

On Sundays bulletin from Church it said:
 Need Prayer??
The Elders are inviting Northview family to come for prayer Tuesday,.............
"Is any one of you sick? He should call the elders of the church to pray over him and anoint him with oil in the name of the Lord." James 5:14

I was thinking on Sunday when I read it I should go, but reality kicked in and I started thinking if I try to go to the church Tuesday night it would mean a confrontation with my Mom. My brain started playing all the scenarios  in my head and some how reasoned I couldn't go but I could send an email instead then all would be well. Every time I turned around I found myself staring at the Church bulletin and the words "Need Prayer??" Then conviction came as the question came into my head " If this was a Dr's or Specialist appointment wouldn't you make time?" I felt that one, so I had decided to go. I think it wasn't just all my Mom I think part was me too, as this is all new to me and I had let fear of the unknown try to stop me, but fear of these things are not of our Lord & Saviour.  You see I have taken my daughter for prayer at the prayer meetings for healing, but this was me and no matter how hard I try it is still difficult to humble myself to ask for help. 

I had arrived at the Church a couple of minutes late with all my nerves in hand. I ended up running into the Pastor of Worship, he pointed me in the direction of the Elders Prayer meeting. Before I could get there I heard the Youth leader from the church that met us repeatedly at the hospital with my daughter call me and the couches in the lobby of the church was the waiting room for prayer. Questions started running through my head, you see secretly I am shy, does this mean I am going in alone with the elders. Fear started sneaking back in. 

My turn came around and one of the elders & I walked down the hallway, that hallway seemed much longer than it is on Sunday. I entered a room full of elders that were standing around, I recognized a couple of faces, but the rest I didn't know. I was asked to sit in a chair & explain why I was there for prayer. I explained that God had convicted me to come and that I would be going for my heart test results tomorrow from a hole they had found in my heart. I explained that I was not afraid for myself my fear was for my children who had already been through so much this last couple of years & what this would do to them. 

You see I had witnessed God use the trial we had gone through to shine light in the lives of those we care about,  if this would be another trial I know that God is in control and at that he would bring me closer to him where I want to be.

I was anointed with oil on my forehead and the elders started praying over me & my family, for peace for my family & for healing for me. I was shaking with nerves the hole time.

I felt such a peace & filling of the Holly Spirit. I sit hear typing and I am realizing that the pains I was feeling in my joints & my lower back is gone, you see I suffer from arthritis & I had reserved myself to the pain it caused as part of life but now it is gone. Praise God!

I go tomorrow to the Cardiologist filled with hope, peace, joy & the Holy Spirit, with the knowledge that no matter what the outcome it is in God's hands to fa-fill his great plan.

May you be able to rest in the security of Our Lord & Saviors hands. 

Sunday, December 19, 2010

Looking in Ward & not always liking what I see. The Back of the Tapestry.

Over this last few days I have been finding myself less tolerant of others miss spoken words & actions, as I see them. Without thought I respond in a stern not so pleasant tone & moments later I ask myself why am I doing this because I don't enjoy it I don't like speaking this way, could God be showing me that no matter how hard I try even without thought I will always fall short of the kingdom & am always in need of his grace & forgiveness. Christmas is less than a week away, what does the word Christmas represent?

Christmas to me means the birth of Jesus Christ, God's only son. A son that was born in a manger. The King of all Kings & Lord of all Lords son born in the most humblest circumstances. A birth more valuable than Gold. Hope was born in the birth of Jesus who laid in a manger. God gave us a path to Salvation & forgiveness, our conscience reminds  us the need for that forgiveness. Without this we would be lost forever in darkness.

I could not imagine a life without hope, how do we strive to make it through another day without hope. I lean on the hope Jesus has given me everyday without it I would not live. I know my life & I are a mess. My life is like the back of a peace of tapestry full of knots & the ends of string where another direction has had to be taken. I made reference the other day on one of the social sites I am part of that I am almost ready to sell the rights to my life story because it would make a great horror flick & I know it will have a great ending.

You ask how can anyone know their life story will have a great ending. I know mine will because I heard the knock at the door from my Saviour Jesus Christ & opened the door. I know that I have been forgiven & that I will have eternal life filled with all the blessings of heaven & that I have the gift of the holy spirit left in my heart to guide me through the ups & downs of this life. Jesus has been my lite during some of the darkest moments in my life, even when I didn't know.

Don't get me wrong this in no way makes me perfect. My Life is far from perfect it is the back of that tapestry that is still being worked on but I know that at the end of my life God will turn over the tapestry to show me the beauty he has created in my life by the finished tapestry which would have not been possible with out the knots of life, and the trimming to go in a different direction.

I still feel pain & hurt but God will not give me more than I can handle & sometimes he trust me more than I trust myself & needs to show me that through him I am stronger than I know or think. Through the Trials my Faith is refined.

Friday, December 17, 2010

Ease Dropping, Waiting & Praying

     Well I went for my TEE (Transesophagal Echocardiogram) test yesterday, just in case you don't know what that is & are curious it is a procedure where they sedate you, an ultrasound tube is passed into the esophagus in order to visualize the heart. They freeze your gag threshold with a spray, that they said is like the spray they use in dentistry.

     I wish my brain had connected the dots because when I go to the dentist the freezing doesn't work the way it is suppose to, I didn't clue in until the sedation had worn out & I was pretending to be asleep because I could here the Dr.'s discussing, I realized that wasn't such a bright thing to do but I will get into that later. While I was ease dropping on their conversation the freezing wore off...oops....I started choking on the tube they had down my throat, the tube is about the diameter of your pinky finger. My gag threshold was unfrozen, not a pretty sight as I have a low gag threshold to start. They ended up finishing quicker than they really wanted to. 

  Well I found out if you are going to ease drop you need to be prepared to hear what they are saying. You don't want to hear the reference to swiss cheese when they are looking at your heart or the discussion of measuring of several spots & the discussion of do you think we could fit this size of something(don't remember the name of the thing they were talking about) to clamp it. Na maybe I shouldn't have been ease dropping. Now I have to wait until next Wednesday to go to the Cardiologist to get the whole picture. 

I know this might sound strange but I am not worried about me as God has given me a peace that transcends understanding. I also know God is in control & if he has brought me to it he will bring me through it. I know I should also have this same feeling for my family, but my worry is for my children & my mom as they deal with all this and you can see & hear the stress in their face & voices. I pray to God to give them the peace that transcends understanding that he has given me & the strength to get through this. 

May the God of hope fill you with all joy & peace as you trust in him, so you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit. Romans 15:13

Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer & petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts & your minds in Christ Jesus.  Philippians 4:6-7

Thursday, December 16, 2010

A Letter For My Children, for when Jesus Invites Me to Our Fathers Mansion, because we never know what the next moment will bring, live life with no regrets .

Dear Teresa & Anthony,

I know you are receiving this letter because Jesus has taken me home to Our Fathers Mansion. I know you are sad right now, but I need you to know that I am telling God how much of a blessing he gave me when he gave me the privilege to raising you both.

Teresa where do I start. You have been a ray of sunshine since you were a baby, you have been covered by many storms that have shaped you and made you to the rainbow you are today. Teresa you are such a caring compassionate person that everyone gravitates to, yes I know you don't always believe it but I know God has great plans for your life so please don't let this take you away from focusing on what great blessings he has for your life. Yes you will be taken out of your comfort zone but that's ok it means he is shaping you into the person you need to be and that is ok. I love you Princess & all you need to do is look up and you will know I am there with you.♥Hugs My Princess♥, it will be Ok!

Anthony, You have been a great teacher. People told me when you were diagnosed that I would grieve what you wouldn't be able to do. You have shown me that they were very wrong. You have taught me far more than I could ever have taught you. You have taught me that Love & Faith can overcome any circumstance. You have grown into such a caring, polite, compassionate, & strong person that can do any thing you put your mind to. You have a Great Faith don't let this take you away from that Faith. You are going to do great things with your life, just remember that you have a reason to work harder but don't have an excuse to quit trying. The world needs what you can teach them & let God guide you when you teach the world. I love you Handsome & all you need to do is look up and you will know I am there with you.♥Hugs My Handsome Man♥, it will be Ok!

I need you both to promise me that you will continue with your devo's, by reading your bible daily. You will try your best to forgive those who have wronged you. You will cont. to look for ways to extend random acts of kindness and most of all don't loose who you are!

I love you both and I will be watching over you from Heaven & I will be waiting at the gate when Jesus calls you home & then be prepared for bear hugs you have never experienced before. I LOVE YOU!!!!!!!!!

Love, Mommy

Monday, December 13, 2010

Trials & Temptation

       I'm back, last week was filled with trials, I was kind of out of commission last week, still not quite sure what was going on with my body. I slept most of the week away as it was the only way to escape the pressure in my head & my chest. I will be going for a Transesophagal Echocardiogram on Thursday, now that was a mouth full. Just in case you don't know what that is & are curious it is a procedure where they sedate you, an ultrasound tube is passed into the esophagus in order to visualize the heart.

        I was asked today what does this mean for the Kenya Missions Trip, as far as I'm concerned is if it is God's plan for me to go nothing will stand in the way. Kenya is still strongly on my heart & mind.

        Today my big sister who has been going to the hospital for dialysis, because her home dialysis has stopped working, took a tumble at the hospital and broke her knee cap in half. My brother-in-law was told by the hospital they were releasing her and he said no, they now plan on releasing her tomorrow and there are allot of things going on reinforcing my lack of trust for our local medical system, do to this I am feeling tempted to judge,not to forgive, come to anger & rage as the feelings of the past come flooding in. I pray for God's strength & Guidance to keep me from being tempted.

Our Father,
hallowed be thy name, 
your kingdom come,
your will be done,
on earth as it is in heaven.
Give us today our daily bread.
And forgive us our debts,
as we also have forgiven our debtors.
And lead us not into temptation,
but deliver us from the evil one.

For if you forgive other people when they sin against you, your heavenly father will forgive you. But if you do not forgive others their sins, your father will not forgive your sins. Mathew 6: 9-15

"Watch & Pray so you will not fall into temptation. The spirit is willing but the flesh is weak." Mathew 26:41

So if you think you are standing firm, be careful that you don't fall! No temptation has overtaken you except what is common to mankind. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so you may endure it. 1 Corinthians 10:12-13

Saturday, December 4, 2010

Taking Me Past My Comfort Zone & Showing Me

This week past, God brought me past my comfort zone & I'm alive to speak about it. All week after my Son's Birthday I was trying to prepare for my very first public fundraiser ever.

 I was faced with a feeling I had done everything to avoid. You see over the years I learned to play it safe by avoiding the things that would mean facing my fears & anxieties. I had learned to isolate myself so I wouldn't be vulnerable to criticism  & the feeling of letting people down, including letting myself down. I was avoiding getting hurt. I didn't do this overnight it happened gradually with every pain & hurt I had experienced through my life. God knows that this is an area of my life that he is wanting to heal & this means taking me out of my comfort zone and allowing me to be in places where I am vulnerable so I can know that he is with me and with every hurt & pain that I experience he will be right there to pick me up & heal me over & over again.

Leading up to the fundraiser I had faced many obstacles of time & then I was faced with everything going wrong, I had tried to print out a sample of all my Photo's and my printer crashed & I was unable to prepare anything past what I had already had. I now was not just freaking out because I would be out of my comfort zone talking to people I didn't know making myself vulnerable, I was faced with the thought that like everything else I had done in my life I would fail just one more time. I had all the horrible out comes planned in my head. I knew when I got home from work, from painting & cleaning RV's that I would only have 30min. to eat, get cleaned up dressed and load everything into my vehicle so that I could have enough time to set everything up. I was horrified that I would let everyone down by not succeeding on pulling this off.

I should have known that my sinful nature was stepping in the way & I was allowing myself to believe the lies in my head & wasn't leaning on the truth's of the word.

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope & a future. Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me with all your heart. I will be found by you," declares the Lord, "and will bring you back from captivity. I will gather you from all nations and places I have banished you,"and I will bring you back from the place from which I carried you into exile." Jeremiah 29:11-14

My daughter volunteered to come with me and help me. We were able to get everything set up in time. I was informed by the Women's Pastor that she would be asking me questions up on stage. My heart dropped, me up on stage, me in the most vulnerable place I could be, up in front of an audience. I have done this only twice before and I was so nervous that I spoke a mile a minute how was I going to do it, I knew God was taking me out of my comfort zone & I just needed to trust him. He has brought me so far already.

 I was called up on stage and a peace came over me and the Pastor started asking me the questions and the answers flowed so smoothly, I didn't race through the answers and the words were put together without me stumbling, it was like I was watching someone else speak, I could feel God's presence in that moment.

I went back to where I had everything set up & through the night I could feel my face getting redder & redder . My daughter told me every-time some one complemented me on the photos she could see the redness grow in my face. I know this sounds strange but I didn't feel comfortable taking complements. God was taking me one more time past my comfort zone. God was softening my heart from the pains of the past. I was not feeling  pain or hurt, I was feeling excepted for who I am. For once, I didn't feel like a failure, being who I was didn't matter anymore. God was showing me that through him anything is possible & through his will for my life I will find Hope, Joy, & Purpose for my life. He showed me that with him I was able complete something from start to finish.

May you find the Hope, Joy & Purpose he has for your life and except that he might take you out of your comfort zone to get you there.