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Sunday, October 30, 2011

Planning For The Inevitable

I have been trying to work out possibilities and options if we have to sell the house. I have told my Mom that if we have to sell the house after all the bills are paid the equity in the house that is left is hers, as she is so afraid of loosing all that she worked for over the years and can't get another mortgage that will hopefully get her a home that will sustain her in the future.

I found a web site that tells you a budget with what percentage of your income should go to what expenses in your life. I was faced with a reality that only God can help me with. I have taken what my income will be after November, taking the pay from the three days of work I get a week from work, $1134.28 a month. Using their list & percentages this is what it breaks down to a month:

Food:                                                          $148.59
Housing:                                                      $373.18
Apparel & Services:                                      $45.37
Transportation:                                            $216.75
Healthcare:                                                    $66.92
Entertainment                                               $56.71
Personal care products and services:          $14.75
Reading:                                                        $3.40
Education:                                                   $21.75
Misc.:                                                          $17.01
Cash Contributions:                                     $38.57
Personal Insurance and Pensions:             $112.29
Tithing:                                                       $19.29

Now place this budget with the reality of life:
-needing a minimum of a 3 bdrm place,
-enough for son's prescriptions that are over $100.00 a month
-feed three people, while my children get educated so they can support themselves.

Father you are the great provider, you tell us why do you worry if I can take care of the birds, why not you?
Father I lay this in your hands. In Jesus Christ Name Amen.

Saturday, October 29, 2011

Halloween Transformed or Has It Always Been

I use to think "What harm is there in dressing up and participating in Halloween?" I didn't see any problem with it when my kids were little I use to get them all dressed up and we would head out the door with their plastic buckets and me holding their pillow cases for them to dump their candy in. We would walk around our quite large town house complex as we went door to door. We use to live where everyone far and wide wood drop off their kids for trick or treating as we would see a good 300 kids in that night.

The funny thing about me taking the kids out was one was suspected to be borderline diabetic and was not able to eat candy and the other was allergic to dairy, so they couldn't really eat what they were collecting and they knew it. They both though had fun doing it.

I can say since our experience in 2009 our thoughts on Halloween have been transformed. Where once we saw innocent fun we now see darkness. We are now sensitive to all that Halloween has to show. We drive or walk by a display and we are creeped right out as the darkness and heaviness that it brings. Where once innocence stood now stands evil. Like a Trojan in the night with no one aware the darkness creeps in.

You may say to me  "Have finally lost your crackers?", but if this is so how is it that I am not the only one feeling this change and awareness?

We are told in scripture that we don't battle against flesh and blood, but against spiritual forces of evil. Ephesians 6:10-20

So I ask you to guard yourselves and those you love this Halloween from that you can not see, because of what we witnessed in 2009 I can tell you this is not folklore. I ask you to remember the truth when faced with darkness. Jesus died on the cross and rose again to save us and pay the price for our sins and he alone holds the keys. Revelation 1:17-19

Father thank you for all that you have done for us and the things you can continue to do in our lives. I ask for an extra measure of protection over everyone this Halloween. Open our eyes to the unseen  and the Trojan Horses of this world. Help us stand strong in you and your truths. In Jesus Christ Name Amen.

Thursday, October 27, 2011

Coming to the Realization and the Answer to Going or Not

I went last night to the volunteer position. We start the night with a meeting including a devotional & prayer. I came to the realization after a long time of experiencing things that since the trauma we experienced I am more sensitive to the presence of the Trinity & of the Demonic being present. We were praying last night and I was flooded with the presence of God in that prayer as my whole body could feel it, this wasn't the first time. I had been prayed for by the leader and other helper at my table last week and I was overtaken by the presence of God to the point I was fighting to stay standing as they prayed. I find now whether it be at Sunday service or any large group I can tell what presence is stronger, the Trinity or the Demonic and I can say I do not like the heaviness and darkness that comes over me when the demonic is present, but when the Trinity is present it is very light and loving and a place you never want to leave. I don't know why God has given me this sensitivity to the light and the darkness. My daughter & son as well can feel it now as well.

I had really know God was calling me to share this weekend away of his love and how through extreme trials he is walking with us and let us know we are not alone but unfortunately, I was told the cost could not be justified for them to pay as no one at our table was going. I saw God's plan unfold. He took me to volunteer, he told me the position he wanted me to take, helper, he fulfilled that after I left the position blank. He told me from the beginning he wanted me to testify at the weekend away to his love even through the difficult times when we don't understand what is happening. I sat at the meeting last night and they called for people to share their Holly Spirit and God moments this weekend, I was the first one with my hand up as I knew this is what he had called me to do. I spoke with the gentleman who had made the request later and gave him a part of our experience I had witnessed God through the trauma and he even made the joke maybee we could call me up a couple of times. I sat and went through till there was an opening to talk to the assistant and that is when I was told they could not justify paying for me to go on the weekend. 

I leave it in Gods hands now, I have done all that I can do. I would have paid for the weekend away if I had the money to do so, but i don't. Oh and for all those who watched the show I was in the only things you saw in the show that were mine was the paper work I was going through, my bed, my dresser, my clothes and the upright freezer down stairs. I do not own anything else, I some times wonder if that has been an assumption when people look at me that she has all that so she must just be hiding her money. I have to say "No my wealth does not come from money it comes from my faith in God and his son Jesus Christ."

Monday, October 24, 2011

Confused and Conflicted

I am feeling confused and conflicted in my walk. God I believe is showing me one thing and I am hearing something different in my interactions with my siblings in Christ.

I hear God say leave the things of value to this world and come follow me.
 "Mathew 16:23-25"
 "Mathew 19:20-22

I have been brought to a place of trust in God for our provision as I no longer have a full time job or any of the benefits that comes with in this world.

 I use to be this self reliant person who depended on only one person myself to provide all my needs, never leaning on others for help because it was a sign of weakness and could set you up for being hurt. God has brought me to a place free of pride, full of humility, humbleness & trust in him, as he teaches me it is ok to ask for help and that I do not have to do it alone.

God is teaching me to walk by faith alone. I finding though that I am also being taught that it isn't just the world that will challenge this but those who I thought would understand this walk are surprising me by their reactions.

I felt God leading me to a volunteer position that was well out of my comfort zone but I left the door open with my hand in is as he lead me. I felt his prompting to go on the weekend away that this volunteer position would lead to. I have no money and this weekend would cost, but for the position I would need to commit to going so at the beginning I made it very clear that I didn't feel I could serve Jesus in this way as I could not afford it to those running it. I filled out the volunteer form leaving the area blank to what position I would be volunteering as and put where God leads. I knew there were many other choices that would not need me to go on the weekend and I would leave it open with the disclosure there was no way I could afford any part of the weekend away.

I was selected as a helper,the position I had felt God leading me too, this meant I would need to register for the weekend away and ask for a subsidy, something I have to say when you live with the gift of poverty you are constantly taught humility every time as you hate to have your hand stretched out for help one more time. I had faith that this was what God wanted so I registered.

When I registered and said that I would need to be subsidized I was told that they would like to know how much I could afford to pay. I swallowed my pride and confessed I was on God's income assistance program and wouldn't be able to afford anything as I didn't have the income to do so. I was told I would receive contact from the person in charge about the subsidy.

I was bad I assumed being my last communication stating I didn't feel I could afford to serve Jesus in this place that when I was put as a helper it had already been settled. My fault there for assuming.

I was in a really bad place last week as the Post Traumatic Stress Disorder was in high gear and I was feeling  like I was in a very heavy dark place, all I did was go to my scheduled things
i was committed to and came home and slept I barely ate. I dragged myself to go to my commitment of working in the kitchen at this volunteer position that I was asked if I could help because they were short of volunteers so I would go there before I needed to switch over to a helper at a table. I really didn't have the strength to be there but I had made a commitment and I don't desert my commitments. I was barely holding myself  together but I was making it through without loosing the mask I was wearing that said I am Ok!

I was approached by the person in charge and was told when I had a free moment if we could meet, so when I had time I went to meet him. I was concerned the whole time I was waiting to meet with him, I knew it was about the subsidy for the weekend away and I knew it wasn't going to be good especially the state of mind I was in.

I waited for him to finish his call then we sat to the side on one of the couches in the foyer. He started talking about my request for subsidy and he asked how much I would be willing to contribute towards the cost and I blurted out I had nothing as we were in the process of possibly loosing our house, by this point the tears started to flow and he started to explain that this was one of the rules because they needed to make sure that if they subsidized me to go that I would show up after them paying for me. I have to say at this point all my sense of value that I had left was leaving quickly at the judgement by someone who has no idea who I really am by that statement, a person that was and is a sibling in Christ who's words just cut me like a knife. All the stereo types I had been fighting my whole life came into this moment as I could feel the weight of judgement come upon me. I am a poverty stricken single parent  that by alright should mean I am unreliable to keep a commitment because those kind of people are just like that. I kept nodding my head in understanding of the rules as I was being torn up inside as I had all the scriptures from above and "Mathew 25:35-40"come flooding in my head.

I was getting mixed messages as God was telling me come follow me & trust in my provision through scripture and I was feeling like I was being told you aren't trust worthy or reliable enough to go unless you can provide a deposit of security. I was also confused as isn't our security suppose to rest on our Savior not on each others, what happened to compassion & love, is it all now about business and man made rules and less about faith.

I ended up breaking down. I dumped what we went through, how it caused where we were now and what I was facing now do to the trauma we experienced  as I turned into a babbling brook. I was asked if I was seeing any one at the church and I said I had been referred to a counselor through the church. He eventually, after me apologizing for not being able to keep my mask on and dumping on him, he reconnected the conversation back on how we would have to figure out if anyone in our group would have need for me to be there for the weekend away and we would have to look for away that would guaranty that if they paid for me that I would show up for the weekend. My merit alone and history with them and always following through wasn't good enough, yes I guess I am heading a bit of resentment of being judged in this way. I will hopefully hear what his assistant has decided as he goes away for a bit.

My heart is telling me the message is where once humanity, love and compassion once sat in this place, now lies the need for cheque's, balances, numbers and more of a growing business, this breaks my heart.

I am confused and conflicted because I am hearing the message that is being preached but the actions are not following and they are speaking loud and clear and I feel that there is no room at there for those who don't meet a certain standard of living and criteria, I am one of those who doesn't fit anymore.

I have thought of moving on from this place but every time I do I hear God say be still, I am not done with you here yet. I have witnessed Godless moments in this place that my son and me witnessed as a cloud of heaviness and darkness a rose over this place but I don't think God has given up on this place completely yet. I know he asked me to deliver a message of concern over the direction it was taking and I am starting to see why.

 I am hoping God realizes I'm not strong enough for what he is asking and it will only be done through his strength as my plate is so full already. On top of all this my daughter has healed enough that what she couldn't remember before her mind is starting to let her remember and I know that what she is remembering is horrific as it is the stuff I hoped she would never have to remember as we all want to be able to find a way to forget and be free of what we witnessed, as the tapes play on, curtain memories and emotions are triggered with no off switch to stop them from flooding in. We press on not knowing what the next moment brings.

Father thank you for the multitude of blessings, including those we sometimes take advantage of. I pray Father  for your wisdom and guidance as you ask me to walk in faith, totally dependent on you. I pray for you to guard the mind, body & soul of my family and friends and those reading this from the advances towards them by the enemy, as he tries to tear us down. Please place your healing hand upon us Oh Lord, free us from the cup you have given us, but over all this let your will be done. I pray this in Jesus Christ Name Amen.

Saturday, October 22, 2011

God is Leading Me

I have been wanting to write here for days now but God is the one who prompts me to write and he has been prompting me to not write for now, I do not know why but it is of his understanding not mine. I will trust that he has a purpose for this and will wait until he allows me to write again.

I will share though the link to the show that was filmed in our home this last spring as they have now posted it on line. "Consumed" we are episode 7, just click on the name and it will take you there.

I wait with great anticipation for God to allow me to speak again.

Tuesday, October 11, 2011


Happy Thanksgiving Day to all my Canadian friends and Happy Columbus Day to all our neighbors to the south!

Wow this has been a weekend to be thankful for! My weekend started with the blessing of a makeover and a removing of a dishwasher and the installing of another all by myself for the first time. We also were able to pick up red bark mulch that the last time cost us over $7. a bag for $3.99 cents a bag so we purchased their last 43 bags. You are probably wondering how I can purchase these with no money and no steady job, while at a risk of loosing the house. I will explain.

I feel if we are going to be forced to sell the house I want us to be able to get the most out of it we can, so I pulled out the MasterCard when I found the dishwasher almost 50% off as I didn't think it would look good to sell a house with a bungy cord holding the dishwasher closed, not to attractive if I do say myself. I also pulled out the M/C to pay for the bark mulch as I felt it was important for curb appeal to buyers if we have to sell and if we don't it will help with maintaining the garden that we never seem to be able to control the weeds in and with my arthritis can be extremely painful sometimes to do.

Explanation over now back to the good stuff, we managed to edge the grass along all the gardens, sidewalks and driveway in the front of the house. I managed to weed and trim all the gardens and move or thin out some of the plants. I also laid 37 bags of bark mulch down in the front gardens that made a dramatic impact on how our house looks from the street. We did this in the three days of the Thanksgiving weekend and I am so thankful the front has been finished. I never realized the emotional impact all this has had as we feel like we are starting a new beginning as we slowly get our lives back.

I feel like I have turned a chapter in my life and this one is revealing all the changes God has made in my life and the new beginning he is blessing me with as doors are opening. I am so thankful that God has given me a voice free of fear and shame to speak out and be who he created me to be. He has given me a voice to stand up to the unjust practices in this world. He has given me a voice to speak out in humanity, as it breaks my heart that humanity in this world is dying as I witness more and more people say it is not my problem so they pass it by.

I remember a world where common practice was to look out for your neighbors and help where you can and everyone new everyone around them and looked out for each other and their kids. I am blessed to be living in one of these neighborhoods that are becoming extincted. We have aloud technology to stand in the place where once relationships stood. When was the last time you called someone rather than email, text them or use social media? How much more time is spent with a screen standing between you and your friends & loved ones? I feel society has become very impersonal and we at risk of teaching the next generation how to have the traits of Autism that so many parents are trying to change in their children with Autism.

When are we as individuals going to stand up and say "I am the one that is going to make the change!" I can tell you as an individual you do have that power to make that change! Next time you go to message someone through a screen pick up the phone and call someone and hear their voice, make that human contact, make people matter!

I am thankful for the provision God has given me in my life and for the transformation I am witnessing in my life and most of all for the people in my life!!

What are you thankful for?

 What change are you going to make to make people matter?
 Remember it can be as simple as picking up the phone or going out for coffee.

Please share if you would like.

Father thank you for your ability to transform our lives! I pray Father that you give us the strength and wisdom to know that we can be that change in humanity. Please touch the people in this world in a special way so they know you have a plan and a purpose for them in this world. In Jesus Christ Name Amen.

Friday, October 7, 2011

Start to a New Beginning Along Side the Trials.

Today with all that I face, God gave me a day of pampering. I was given a gift of a new look today to go with the new beginnings that are starting. I thought it was a blessing enough that I applied to University, taking a leap of faith. I am feeling guided to take the life experience God has given me through advocating for my own children to go back to school to become a child advocacy lawyer. I have absolutely no idea if this is even going to work as we face loosing our house but I am at total peace with the path I am on now and it is being filled with light as the doors are opening.

God didn't stop there as one of my family in Christ told me to call and set up an appointment and go to Ambience Salon and get done to my hair what ever I wanted done even coloured if I wanted. this would be the third time I have been offered to have my hair cut as a gift, I ended up not doing it the first two times but for some reason this time I needed to go as I felt total peace as I was being lead to it. 

I made and appointment for this morning. I thought my Mom would come with me because she liked going to Langley and it was out that way but she said no as I had told her I would be a couple of hours and she didn't want to wander that long. I headed out a lone to be at my appointment for 11:30 am. 

I was asked by Sue, the hairdresser, what I would like just a cut, colour or foils. I said I don't know as I really didn't no what she meant by foils. I really never paid to much care about my hair before as I never could really afford much past the basic hair cut. I told her, she was the artist and my hair was a blank canvas that she could do what she wanted with. 

I figure she has all the experience more than I do, I would let her decide and leave it in God's hands as obviously he had a plan. I though did have one request to have it donated, I needed it to be tied at   both ends of the pieces cut off and they needed to be 12 in. long. 

Well here we go, time to do it.

I can't believe it, 
a new beginning 
cutting off the old me,
 looking forward to getting to know
 the new me. 
Wow that is short and I love it!

I looked in the mirror.
 I didn't recognize the person I was looking at in the mirror, 
this person looked way younger and prettier. 
I had never thought of myself this way before. 
I have always just been mom.
I was feeling good about myself for the first time in a very long time.
I am going to have to get to know this new me.

I decided to go to Sears and be a bad girl and get one new outfit, something I don't normally do and go to the make up counter and get my face done up to complete the make over.

I walked into the store and headed to the ladies department, but wandered for a little before i asked a lady that worked there where their plus sizes were. She said to follow her. She asked me what I was looking for and I told her I really didn't know. I told her when I left the house this morning I had long hair, but I was starting a new beginning and showed her the picture of my long hair. She got really excited as I told her I was looking for an inexpensive outfit to go with the new me.
She stayed with me and helped me with some suggestions of pants and tops. I was able to share with her my testimony and I had mentioned my son who had Autism while we were talking. She told me that she had a son with Autism as well, he was 17, I told her so was mine. 
She told me jeans are what is needed for going back to school. I found one pair I liked that fit when I tried them on. She took me to the counter and they had a scratch sale on so she had me scratch to find out how much I would save. I scratched and revealed 50% off. We both got excited as that was one of the larger amounts off. She went to ring it in, when I reminded her I was looking for a complete outfit. She put the scratch aside and then I tried on more. I ended up buying two out fits for the price of one. I was feeling a little guilt for buying myself something for me but it felt right and needed.
I went over two the make up counter and explained what I was trying to do and she did my makeup for me, completing the makeover and another God given conversation as we talked intensely about how great our God is through the trials she has faced and I have faced.
She kept on bugging me to smile, I said to her it is strange because I feel like I am smiling but I am not. She told me to keep the smile inside and it will come out in my eyes, it is just because I have spent way to long sad, but now it was time for a new beginning and the smile will come too.

I honestly feel like I am smiling in this picture, one day it will reach the surface for all to see the smile that is hiding. 
I had such a happy day where I for the first time felt I was worth something.

Thank you God for this day of pampering and letting me know that it is ok to take care of myself as well without feeling guilty!!

Sunday, October 2, 2011

My Mom And Me Talked

After going out in the back yard today, before it rained, to clean up the neglected gardens and find out that one of the riser to our back steps was rotten, as a friends husband came to replace a rotten step, my mom and I went out just the two of us.

We went out for groceries as I received some pay from working part-time for a job. We stopped for a bit of lunch as my mom had a coupon for 50% off. While we were waiting on our food my Mom asked me if I really wanted to go our separate ways. I said if she feels I am abusing her I don't think it is healthy for either of us to stay living together. She told me that I had one week that I was so depressed she was scared for me. We started talking and my concerns I have for the way she is acting she has for the way she said I am acting.  I told her I was feeling like I had lost all my responsibilities as an adult because she didn't trust me as an adult. She brought up when she went on cruises when my Dad use to take her and she would leave me responsible and I had to remind her that everything was always payed on time and there was no problems, she agreed. I told her I had absolutely lost any ounce of privacy and I since the filming in our house don't even really have any space except for my bedroom that I feel I belong and I don't even have that space to myself anymore. I told her I only felt my value was what I could bring home as an income. I told her I have lost my identity, what makes me independent from everyone else. I don't have privacy in anything I do from my bank account, my income, where I go or want to go, I always feel like I have to have permission to move or do anything.

I don't know how we did it but we ended up talking about how the medical system abused us & abandoned us and how unlike an abuser, rapist, cancer I went through, this was far worse than any of those as those I could leave in the past but I am faced every time I turn with the medical system and there is no leaving it behind never to halve to face again. She asked if the counselor was helping me with the post traumatic stress disorder, I said yes because without her it would be far worse.

I still get angry on how one prescription medication & one failed system could tear a families life apart and then walk away or pass you  continually on to the next person

I now have no clue what to do as the problems keep piling up and one day can be totally different from the other when it comes to my mom. I feel like I am on a roller coaster screaming and no one can hear me or choose not to listen.

Jesus please grant me a voice and the wisdom and strength to persevere. In Jesus Christ Name Amen.