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Monday, October 24, 2011

Confused and Conflicted

I am feeling confused and conflicted in my walk. God I believe is showing me one thing and I am hearing something different in my interactions with my siblings in Christ.

I hear God say leave the things of value to this world and come follow me.
 "Mathew 16:23-25"
 "Mathew 19:20-22

I have been brought to a place of trust in God for our provision as I no longer have a full time job or any of the benefits that comes with in this world.

 I use to be this self reliant person who depended on only one person myself to provide all my needs, never leaning on others for help because it was a sign of weakness and could set you up for being hurt. God has brought me to a place free of pride, full of humility, humbleness & trust in him, as he teaches me it is ok to ask for help and that I do not have to do it alone.

God is teaching me to walk by faith alone. I finding though that I am also being taught that it isn't just the world that will challenge this but those who I thought would understand this walk are surprising me by their reactions.

I felt God leading me to a volunteer position that was well out of my comfort zone but I left the door open with my hand in is as he lead me. I felt his prompting to go on the weekend away that this volunteer position would lead to. I have no money and this weekend would cost, but for the position I would need to commit to going so at the beginning I made it very clear that I didn't feel I could serve Jesus in this way as I could not afford it to those running it. I filled out the volunteer form leaving the area blank to what position I would be volunteering as and put where God leads. I knew there were many other choices that would not need me to go on the weekend and I would leave it open with the disclosure there was no way I could afford any part of the weekend away.

I was selected as a helper,the position I had felt God leading me too, this meant I would need to register for the weekend away and ask for a subsidy, something I have to say when you live with the gift of poverty you are constantly taught humility every time as you hate to have your hand stretched out for help one more time. I had faith that this was what God wanted so I registered.

When I registered and said that I would need to be subsidized I was told that they would like to know how much I could afford to pay. I swallowed my pride and confessed I was on God's income assistance program and wouldn't be able to afford anything as I didn't have the income to do so. I was told I would receive contact from the person in charge about the subsidy.

I was bad I assumed being my last communication stating I didn't feel I could afford to serve Jesus in this place that when I was put as a helper it had already been settled. My fault there for assuming.

I was in a really bad place last week as the Post Traumatic Stress Disorder was in high gear and I was feeling  like I was in a very heavy dark place, all I did was go to my scheduled things
i was committed to and came home and slept I barely ate. I dragged myself to go to my commitment of working in the kitchen at this volunteer position that I was asked if I could help because they were short of volunteers so I would go there before I needed to switch over to a helper at a table. I really didn't have the strength to be there but I had made a commitment and I don't desert my commitments. I was barely holding myself  together but I was making it through without loosing the mask I was wearing that said I am Ok!

I was approached by the person in charge and was told when I had a free moment if we could meet, so when I had time I went to meet him. I was concerned the whole time I was waiting to meet with him, I knew it was about the subsidy for the weekend away and I knew it wasn't going to be good especially the state of mind I was in.

I waited for him to finish his call then we sat to the side on one of the couches in the foyer. He started talking about my request for subsidy and he asked how much I would be willing to contribute towards the cost and I blurted out I had nothing as we were in the process of possibly loosing our house, by this point the tears started to flow and he started to explain that this was one of the rules because they needed to make sure that if they subsidized me to go that I would show up after them paying for me. I have to say at this point all my sense of value that I had left was leaving quickly at the judgement by someone who has no idea who I really am by that statement, a person that was and is a sibling in Christ who's words just cut me like a knife. All the stereo types I had been fighting my whole life came into this moment as I could feel the weight of judgement come upon me. I am a poverty stricken single parent  that by alright should mean I am unreliable to keep a commitment because those kind of people are just like that. I kept nodding my head in understanding of the rules as I was being torn up inside as I had all the scriptures from above and "Mathew 25:35-40"come flooding in my head.

I was getting mixed messages as God was telling me come follow me & trust in my provision through scripture and I was feeling like I was being told you aren't trust worthy or reliable enough to go unless you can provide a deposit of security. I was also confused as isn't our security suppose to rest on our Savior not on each others, what happened to compassion & love, is it all now about business and man made rules and less about faith.

I ended up breaking down. I dumped what we went through, how it caused where we were now and what I was facing now do to the trauma we experienced  as I turned into a babbling brook. I was asked if I was seeing any one at the church and I said I had been referred to a counselor through the church. He eventually, after me apologizing for not being able to keep my mask on and dumping on him, he reconnected the conversation back on how we would have to figure out if anyone in our group would have need for me to be there for the weekend away and we would have to look for away that would guaranty that if they paid for me that I would show up for the weekend. My merit alone and history with them and always following through wasn't good enough, yes I guess I am heading a bit of resentment of being judged in this way. I will hopefully hear what his assistant has decided as he goes away for a bit.

My heart is telling me the message is where once humanity, love and compassion once sat in this place, now lies the need for cheque's, balances, numbers and more of a growing business, this breaks my heart.

I am confused and conflicted because I am hearing the message that is being preached but the actions are not following and they are speaking loud and clear and I feel that there is no room at there for those who don't meet a certain standard of living and criteria, I am one of those who doesn't fit anymore.

I have thought of moving on from this place but every time I do I hear God say be still, I am not done with you here yet. I have witnessed Godless moments in this place that my son and me witnessed as a cloud of heaviness and darkness a rose over this place but I don't think God has given up on this place completely yet. I know he asked me to deliver a message of concern over the direction it was taking and I am starting to see why.

 I am hoping God realizes I'm not strong enough for what he is asking and it will only be done through his strength as my plate is so full already. On top of all this my daughter has healed enough that what she couldn't remember before her mind is starting to let her remember and I know that what she is remembering is horrific as it is the stuff I hoped she would never have to remember as we all want to be able to find a way to forget and be free of what we witnessed, as the tapes play on, curtain memories and emotions are triggered with no off switch to stop them from flooding in. We press on not knowing what the next moment brings.

Father thank you for the multitude of blessings, including those we sometimes take advantage of. I pray Father  for your wisdom and guidance as you ask me to walk in faith, totally dependent on you. I pray for you to guard the mind, body & soul of my family and friends and those reading this from the advances towards them by the enemy, as he tries to tear us down. Please place your healing hand upon us Oh Lord, free us from the cup you have given us, but over all this let your will be done. I pray this in Jesus Christ Name Amen.

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