After going out in the back yard today, before it rained, to clean up the neglected gardens and find out that one of the riser to our back steps was rotten, as a friends husband came to replace a rotten step, my mom and I went out just the two of us.
We went out for groceries as I received some pay from working part-time for a job. We stopped for a bit of lunch as my mom had a coupon for 50% off. While we were waiting on our food my Mom asked me if I really wanted to go our separate ways. I said if she feels I am abusing her I don't think it is healthy for either of us to stay living together. She told me that I had one week that I was so depressed she was scared for me. We started talking and my concerns I have for the way she is acting she has for the way she said I am acting. I told her I was feeling like I had lost all my responsibilities as an adult because she didn't trust me as an adult. She brought up when she went on cruises when my Dad use to take her and she would leave me responsible and I had to remind her that everything was always payed on time and there was no problems, she agreed. I told her I had absolutely lost any ounce of privacy and I since the filming in our house don't even really have any space except for my bedroom that I feel I belong and I don't even have that space to myself anymore. I told her I only felt my value was what I could bring home as an income. I told her I have lost my identity, what makes me independent from everyone else. I don't have privacy in anything I do from my bank account, my income, where I go or want to go, I always feel like I have to have permission to move or do anything.
I don't know how we did it but we ended up talking about how the medical system abused us & abandoned us and how unlike an abuser, rapist, cancer I went through, this was far worse than any of those as those I could leave in the past but I am faced every time I turn with the medical system and there is no leaving it behind never to halve to face again. She asked if the counselor was helping me with the post traumatic stress disorder, I said yes because without her it would be far worse.
I still get angry on how one prescription medication & one failed system could tear a families life apart and then walk away or pass you continually on to the next person
I now have no clue what to do as the problems keep piling up and one day can be totally different from the other when it comes to my mom. I feel like I am on a roller coaster screaming and no one can hear me or choose not to listen.
Jesus please grant me a voice and the wisdom and strength to persevere. In Jesus Christ Name Amen.
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