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Tuesday, August 31, 2010

A very long Day full of emotions

Today  was a very long day, from being woken up at 3am, going to work & then dropping my daughter off. I can also say it was a wide range of emotions today from angry at the partying teens this morning bright & early, to having my daughter say good bye to her best friend who is leaving to go to University. I found myself crying as I watched them say Good bye, I could feel my Baby girls pain. I ended the night looking at how much my daughter has grown in to such a beautiful young lady who is all grown up. I am so proud of her & I Praise God for getting her through! I also felt sadness as I realized that the time God gave me charge of her was coming to an end & it was time to place her back into his arms completely for him to care for her now. I dropped her off tonight at her new job that will take her away from home for the next two months. I felt her brothers sadness as he said Good bye. Father thank you for the blessing you gave me in my daughter and giving me the privilege of raising her all these years. I lay her back into your arms please take good care of her, protect her, guide her & help her stay focused on you as she starts her new Journey. In Jesus Christ name Amen!            

Monday, August 30, 2010

I am glad for today & I am sad for today!

I am glad for today, I was able to go to work after being home sick for a week. The day went by real fast at work and I still have that joy inside my heart that God placed there. I do tho feel torn, like when I first went back to work after being a stay at home Mom for a 11yrs. and feeling I wasn't there for my children as much as I wanted too. I now feel that same way with God and the time I spend with him, like the kids, is not enough. I know God will bring me to where I need to be in his time. I read my bible and write this post and God brings this verse to me:

There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under heaven... Ecclesiastes 3:1

So I saw that there is nothing better for a man than to enjoy his work, because that is his lot. Ecclesiastes 3:22

I here you!!

Sunday, August 29, 2010

Felt compelled to post, words of encouragement.

So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand. "All who rage against you will surely be ashamed and disgraced; those who oppose you will be as nothing and perish. Though you search for your enemies, you will not find them. Those who wage war against you will be as nothing at all. For I am the LORD, your God, who takes hold of your right hand and says to you, Do not fear; I will help you.
Isaiah 41 10:13

Just can't get over the blessings!

I sit hear typing this thinking how things can change so much in a short amount of time. My life has changed so drastically. I have gone from going through the motions of life on a day to day bases with no ambition to change and became complacent in where I was at, thinking the past was in the past. I then ended up going on a ride of life that was so fast and so out of control with no sight of an end, when my Father Delivered me and started the healing process. During this healing process the past I thought was healed was brought forward so I could truly heal from it through my Father. God has removed the bonds & soul ties I held to my past and set me free. I did not realize that there is a soul bond that happens between a Husband and Wife that is not breakable with a divorce, I couldn't figure why I was still emotionally attached to my husband even over 16 yrs of separation. That hope for something I knew was not possible, after going for Prayer Counseling and praying for the removal of all soul ties & bonds, I for the first time in my life felt free from my past and for the first time I felt I could give Jesus Christ my Heart with out feeling I had already given parts of it away, that no longer were mine to give to him. My father did not just free me from my out of control year, he delivered me from my out of control life, even the parts that were hidden. I now have a drive inside of me to settle for no less than what my Father has in store for my life no matter where it takes me, my fear that once paralyzed me from stepping out of my life as I know it has gone. I know there are still things I need to over come & things I need to learn, but I know I have the best teacher I could have, my Savior Jesus Christ, now I guess the best lesson I hope I have learned is to not just talk to him but to be still & listen to him as well.

"Be still, and know that I am God;" Psalm 46:10

As Pharaoh approached, the Israelites looked up, and there were the Egyptians, marching after them. They were terrified and cried out to the LORD. They said to Moses, "Was it because there were no graves in Egypt that you brought us to the desert to die? What have you done to us by bringing us out of Egypt?  Didn't we say to you in Egypt, 'Leave us alone; let us serve the Egyptians'? It would have been better for us to serve the Egyptians than to die in the desert!"
 Moses answered the people, "Do not be afraid. Stand firm and you will see the deliverance the LORD will bring you today. The Egyptians you see today you will never see again.  The LORD will fight for you; you need only to be still."Exodus 14:10-14

I read this and I understand. I could have been left alone & would have liked to continue on the path I was on because I didn't see. God though called me into the desert, my out of control with no end in sight. I was like the Israelites asking why? Until I broke down that Nov. night, I was afraid. I learned as the healing began, I learned to not be afraid. I learned to stand firm and I witnessed the deliverance the Lord had for me. The Lord fought for me & the people that harmed my family & me I will never see again. "The Lord will fight for you; you need only be still"

Saturday, August 28, 2010

Beyond my comfort zone

Like a child needing pushed past their comfort zone, we are asked too. Most people don't know this but I am very shy. Yes you are saying Nicki shy, not Nicki! Yes I am shy and sometimes it is quite paralyzing. I know my Father wants me to go out & approach people to spread the Good News. I so want too! I know my Father is working on this in me right now & taking me past my comfort zone.

I need to approach people about fund raising my way to Kenya & find sponsors and I am coming across that paralyzing feeling, I know it sources back to the need to be accepted & liked from past hurts. I know the enemy uses these things to hold us from doing our Fathers work.
I ask for your Prayer in this matter as the Holy Spirit leads. Thank you!

The Scripture our Father brought me to this morning:
"Hear me, you who know what is right, you people who have my law in your hearts: Do not fear the reproach of men or be terrified by their insults."Isaiah 51:7

Friday, August 27, 2010

On the mend & am in awe

Well finally I feel on the mend, yeah for turning points. I guess we need to experience the down times so we can stay appreciating the good times.

Had to go out yesterday to get a prescription for my Mom as she is not comfortable driving right now. Found some awesome picture frames for my Photo art & also found a large multiple picture frame to display samples in. Have them filled already and they really look good, but I'm bias. I just stand in awe of our fathers art.

Since I am at home and as usual can't just sit and do nothing because it drives me absolutely bonkers, I have been sorting the photo's I have taken, wow there are thousands of pictures that pass the criteria for my Photo Art...wow....when our father provides it is beyond comprehension & expectation.

You are probably thinking by now that "she has lost it." I guess I should explain. You see 1 1/2 years ago I was blessed if I had one in line focused Picture out of thousands, it was very rare. While going through a year of distress of my daughter & the family going through, her medical distress and losing a lot of my work income, I picked up the camera because it was a free way of getting my mind on something else other than the trauma we as a family were going through. The Camera forced me to search for the beauty that our father surrounded us with.  The more I searched the easier it was. I was amazed & in awe when I started taking a look at the pictures. These pictures were truly a gift from my father. I didn't understand past the Joy it put in my heart at the time. I know now that God's plan was much bigger than I could have ever comprehended. God provides for all our needs in ways we never would expect sometimes.

"For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith—and this not from yourselves, it is the gift of God— not by works, so that no one can boast. For we are God's workmanship, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do." Ephesians 2:8-10

Thursday, August 26, 2010

Time to think and be with my Father.

Well being home & sick I have to admit is not fun, but it is not all bad it gives me a chance to slow down my thoughts so I can spend time with our heavenly father. I know now through prayer & scripture what my father wants me to do in Kenya he wants me to go to the orphans & the widows of Kenya & serve them.

"Religion that God our Father accepts as pure and faultless is this: to look after orphans and widows in their distress and to keep oneself from being polluted by the world." James 1:27

I stand in awe as things beyond my capability or comprehension fall into place to serve his plan for me. I know he loves me and I love him!

Wednesday, August 25, 2010

Father forgive me!

    Last night between being sick & the heat. I lost it! Dishes had not been done since I got sick on Monday, Laundry piling up and feeling a heap load of self pity, thinking I am there for everyone what about me. I started yelling at anyone with in yelling distance. I ask myself this morning "Why did I do that?"
    My oldest child is going through the transition of being a dependent to becoming completely independent, the reality is kicking in as the return to high school in Sept. isn't there & going away for a 2 months,with thought of not seeing family in that time, the feeling of the stress & fear is kicking in
   Disaster happens when you throw her feelings in with mine. I said things I regret this morning & I know you can't take back what is said.

My dear brothers, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry, James 1:19

I failed miserably on this one last night.

 Father thank you for being a merciful, loving father & for your grace. Father forgive me for my sinful nature, help me to be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry. Please help me sustain from self pity thoughts, that always lead me a stray. In Jesus Christ name Amen.

Tuesday, August 24, 2010

A bit about my back ground

I am from a single mom who raised me & my two older siblings since I was 7. I became a single mom when my children were 4m & 19m old. One of my children was diagnosed at the age of 9 with high functioning Autism/ADHD, God has blessed my child as I have watched the growth from a low functioning child to a child who has been on the honour roll in the grade 9 year & on the Football team in grade 11/12. My other child has gone through some tremendous trials leading into over 60 911 calls, do to medical distress. I watched her loose everything she held dear, and be denied by so many people that wouldn't believe her. I have also watched God deliver her from it and give her affirmation that what she went through was by no choice of hers. I have watched God grow her into a much stronger & confident young adult. I know God has great plans for both my children & I as I can see him in our lives.

Monday, August 23, 2010

August 23,2010

Mom showed up at the airport a day early. We were spending yesterday celebrating my baby girl's 18th Birthday. I started the day getting us all to Church, though be it a little late. We went to see Nanny McPhee at the theater in the afternoon and I forgot my cell phone at home, I didn't worry bout it because nobody would be calling me Mom was away. We arrived home just in time for my son's football practice and a couple of minutes after he left for football practice my phone rang. My sister was calling Mom & Dad were sitting at the airport and have been there since 10 after 6....can we say oops....Mom thought it was Monday they would arrive an it was Sunday....My sister & her husband picked them up. They dropped off Dad and on the way to bring Mom home she fell asleep. She has caught a nasty cold and isn't feeling to good. I didn't get a chance to tell her about God's plans for me till tonight. She asked me what about the mortgage and I said I don't know and then it got really quiet. I explained to her about arguing with God & she stayed quiet. Praise God because silence is much better than yelling. Well I will have to say good by for now as I need some rest because I woke up this morning not well & was sent home from work, but my heart is still full of the Joy of Jesus Christ.

Sunday, August 22, 2010

Bring you up to date Part 2

God showed me his love for me & brought me to a trust in him that I have never experienced before. I look back now and well I was going through the trials & I went to an Alpha retreat with my daughter, it was the last retreat I had gone on, the week leading up to that retreat God had put Kenya on my heart. I had a hint of an idea why I had no Idea where this place was. I had to look it up on the internet where I found out it was in Africa. I did not know then that God was planting a seed in my heart. After God delivered me from the fear & anxiety of the trials, he had started to put Kenya back on my heart and through circumstances, prayer & scripture.
Mathew 4:19; Mark 1:17; Mathew 16:24; Mark 8:34; Luke 9:23; Mathew 19:21; Mark 10:21; Luke 18:22.
I knew he was asking me to trust him with every corner of my life and follow him to Kenya. Don't get me wrong wasn't as easy as it sounds, I am a hard nut to crack. I gave God every excuse I could that would stop me from doing what he was asking and make it feel right to me. God wasn't willing to give up on me. I found myself arguing with him while I was at work and still speaking out the excuses when a coworker who was not working in my area came into the area I was working on and gave me his testimony about when God had asked him to stay on missions in China longer and the excuses he gave of why he couldn't and how God took care of the details in ways it could only be him. The final turning point was when we had a guest speaker at our church and my daughter who was normally in the nursery caring for the little ones couldn't because for the first time I could remember the supervisor didn't show. I spent that service with every few moments my daughter whacking my arm as God tied up all the loose ends by answering the rest of my concerns and left it with such a peace & joy and an uncontrollable excitement that I realized was me falling in love with Jesus Christ and our relationship becoming very real & very personal. God had freed me from the things of my life that were standing between him & me. I found it really hard to keep in my excitement but my mom was about to get on a plane and you see we live together with my children and I couldn't break the news to her as she I dropped her off to start her 14 day trip as this would also change her life as she knows it. Yes you are probably saying "What about the kids?" I tried using my kids as an excuse as well but they wouldn't hear of it because when God was asking me to go was in a year & half and their plans would have them living away from home anyways. I pray that my Mom takes the news as well as the rest of the family, friends & work did. I do realize this may not happen but God has told me to leave My Mom in his hands and leave her the assets of our joint life. He is our great and powerful Father who has the compassion & the will to care for me with his love.

Jeremiah 29:11-14a
For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. I will be found by you," declares the LORD, "and will bring you back from captivity
After my Mom left and the Love & Joy in my heart grew I couldn't contain myself and while I was waiting to tell my boss a coworker asked me whats up did I win the lottery. I told her no what was going on had far more value then the winning lottery ticket. My Boss took it very well and no one could wipe the smile of Joy off my face and there was a noticeable change in me as every one kept asking me whats up. I know if God didn't transform me into who I am now through the trials I would not have been able to give him my yes.

I have now brought you to where I am now. Tomorrow I will go to pick up my Mom and will be praying for God to help me tell her.

May you have a day with your burdens laid at the foot of the cross and be filled with the peace & joy God has for you!

Saturday, August 21, 2010

Bringing you up to date. Part 1

After that night when my Heavenly Father dried my tears was the start of being delivered out of the darkness and the solutions to the trials became clear. I also learned to depend on God for everything. I had no income from work(my Employment Insurance had ran out, no insurance money & I could not apply for Income assistance) for several months but we still payed our mortgage, our bills, & we still had the necessities of life, the only answer for this was God`s provision and promise in Mathew 6:25-34.