17 yrs Ago Today

17 yrs ago today I was blessed with the birth of my Son. Where did the time go?  

 

2 days old

I remember being told by a Dr. that I would never be able to have children do to multiple miscarriages & cysts in my ovaries. My Son was the second blessing I was granted, after this. He has grown into such a great young Man that is very caring. God has truly brought my son through it all. He was diagnosed with Autism/ADHD when he was 9, up until then school was such a challenge to the point he was not allowed to attend school & I  was home schooling him until he received his diagnoses. He then was aloud to attend school for 2.5 hrs a day until grade 6 where he finally could attend full time. He then moved onto High school in Grade 9 Where he ended up on the honour roll & then by Grade 11 was excepted on the High School football team. Grade 12 though he made the decision to leave the Football team as it wasn't his career choice and it was inter-fearing with his grade 12 studies. I was so excited that he could make such a mature decision with out any outside influence.

Through the victories you gave, his glory is great; 

   you have bestowed on him splendor and majesty. 

Surely you have granted him unending blessings 

   and made him glad with the joy of your presence. 

For the king trusts in the LORD; 

   through the unfailing love of the Most High 

   he will not be shaken.

Psalm 21:5-7 (NIV)

Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, who has blessed us in the heavenly realms with every spiritual blessing in Christ. For he chose us in him before the creation of the world to be holy and blameless in his sight. In love he predestined us for adoption to sonship through Jesus Christ, in accordance with his pleasure and will—  to the praise of his glorious grace, which he has freely given us in the One he loves.  In him we have redemption through his blood, the forgiveness of sins, in accordance with the riches of God’s grace that he lavished on us. With all wisdom and understanding, he made known to us the mystery of his will according to his good pleasure, which he purposed in Christ, to be put into effect when the times reach their fulfillment—to bring unity to all things in heaven and on earth under Christ. 

Ephesians 1:3-10 (NIV)

Do We Let Our Eyes Determine What We See?

Today I decided I would where the suite my Nana bought me last Christmas before she past to my Cardiologist appointment, just to see if I would get a different response than I had in the past when I went in my normal jeans & a T-Shirt. I was pleasantly surprised by the Doctor's care & willingness to explain what he was in normal non medical jargon, but I don't think that would have changed if I had dressed differently.

I kept my suite on all day, normally when I go out when I pass someone I say "Hi", usually without response most of the time it is not reciprocated. Today though every time I said "Hi" I received a "Hi" back, the only difference this time was I was dressed up. Do we walk by people and take a glance and without giving it a thought we put a label on the person. I may have been dressed up today but my social status has not changed I still live in poverty. Today though society treated me like a some buddy. I went into stores and the salespeople noticed me they didn't just shrug their shoulders & pass me by, they were bending over backwards to help me. I am the same person who has been in the stores multiple times before with my Mom and had no attention payed to me what so ever.  So I ask, do we let our Eyes determine what we see?

I remember years ago when my sister had enough money to purchase a new car without a loan, she was around 18/19 She went into so many different car dealerships without a sales person giving her the time of day. I do believe that their eyes were determining what they saw. My sister purchased a new sports car and went back to those dealerships and let them know their mistakes.


“Many women do noble things, 
   but you surpass them all.” 
 Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting; 
   but a woman who fears the LORD is to be praised. 
 Honor her for all that her hands have done, 
   and let her works bring her praise at the city gate. Proverbs 31:29-31(NIV)


“‘Do not pervert justice; do not show partiality to the poor or favoritism to the great, but judge your neighbor fairly.Leviticus 19: 15(NIV)



The Spirit of the LORD will rest on him—
   the Spirit of wisdom and of understanding,
   the Spirit of counsel and of might,
   the Spirit of the knowledge and fear of the LORD—
 and he will delight in the fear of the LORD.
   He will not judge by what he sees with his eyes,
   or decide by what he hears with his ears;  Isaiah 11:2,3(NIV)


well my eyes are closing, this will be all for now.

Today I was Blessed with Answered Prayer!

Today I enjoyed witnessing answered prayer as my children were baptized this morning, by there Youth Pastor that walked beside us through the trial & helped us keep our eyes fixed on Jesus.

I was so praying to God that they would be baptized before my children left to for Christmas break. I know now that they have committed to walk with Jesus and have the holy spirit to guide them when I am not there.

“I baptize you with water for repentance. But after me comes one who is more powerful than I, whose sandals I am not worthy to carry. He will baptize you with the Holy Spirit and fire. Mathew 3:11


I baptize you with water, but he will baptize you with the Holy Spirit.” Mark 1:8


When all the people were being baptized, Jesus was baptized too. And as he was praying, heaven was opened and the Holy Spirit descended on him in bodily form like a dove. And a voice came from heaven: “You are my Son, whom I love; with you I am well pleased.” Luke 3:21,22


Jesus, full of the Holy Spirit, left the Jordan and was led by the Spirit into the wilderness, Luke 4:1


“When you are brought before synagogues, rulers and authorities, do not worry about how you will defend yourselves or what you will say, for the Holy Spirit will teach you at that time what you should say.” Luke 12:11,12


Now Thomas, one of the Twelve, was not with the disciples when Jesus came. So the other disciples told him, “We have seen the Lord!”
   But he said to them, “Unless I see the nail marks in his hands and put my finger where the nails were, and put my hand into his side, I will not believe.”
 A week later his disciples were in the house again, and Thomas was with them. Though the doors were locked, Jesus came and stood among them and said, “Peace be with you!” Then he said to Thomas, “Put your finger here; see my hands. Reach out your hand and put it into my side. Stop doubting and believe.”
 Thomas said to him, “My Lord and my God!”
 Then Jesus told him, “Because you have seen me, you have believed; blessed are those who have not seen and yet have believed.” John 20:24-29


Have you ever heard of the saying don't be a doubting Thomas, this is where that saying came from.


I have witnessed so many answered prayers. I here people say but he didn't answer my prayers could that be because God didn't answer with the answer you were expecting.  God sometimes gives us the answer no because he has the bigger picture. I can describe it as we have one piece of the puzzle and we can't see beyond that peace. God sees the completed puzzle and knows where the things in our life fit and he knows where they don't. 


There has been many times when I have asked for things and the answer has been no, but when I reflect back I'm thankful the answer was no because what is of today would not have been possible if he had said yes.

Connecting to the Worship Songs cont./About me

When listening to the worship songs, since the trial that changed my life & brought me closer to my Saviour, I have connected to them at a much deeper level & now understand.

Everything Falls is a song that I first heard in the middle of the trial & I held onto every word of this song, as my soul was troubled by what we were going through and this song gave me reassurance that this was part of the war being waged & that his arms are faithful and God would hold me together when everything was falling apart apart.

Healing Begins is so real for me as over the years I had built up walls, I thought I was good and was doing everything right and then all the walls in my life came crashing down. I had been afraid if I let the secrets of my past out but God told me it was time to let it go, I was ashamed but when everything started crashing through the healing began.

About me:

I grew up with a father who suffered from a mental illness till my Mom
became a single parent when I was 7

I have been rejected by my earthly father,

I am an abuse survivor,

I am a date rape survivor,

I am a survivor of self-punishment,

I am a poverty survivor,

I am a cancer survivor,

I have been a single parent of almost 18 yrs,

I have raised two children, one who has High Functioning Autism/ ADHD

I have experienced rejection from  system that was in place to protect, as
my daughter went through the over 60 911 calls,

I have been faced with fighting for my daughters soul, when faced with
spiritual warfare that a year before I would have said you were nuts if you
told me any of what I saw with my Mom & son.

I have experienced God dry my tears when I became broken.

I have experienced deliverance from my past.

I have argued with God & lost,

I have experienced a peace that transcends understanding & an unexplainable
Joy, when I became dead to myself & alive in Christ.

The Healing has truly begun & this wouldn't have been possible if it wasn't for the love, forgiveness & grace of my Heavenly Father. He has given me freedom from my shame & fear. He has given my life purpose.

 

Connecting to the Worship Songs

My connection to the Worship Songs has deepened as I explained in "Worship Songs are Like a Photo Album"


Dead Man (Carry Me) is what I think of when I reflect back on what my life was like before I completely surrendered to God's will for my life. I may have excepted Jesus Christ many years ago but I did not live a life that God wanted for me as I wasn't willing to let go of my old life and surrender my will to God's will for me.


Desert Song is so my prayer! God during the trial that changed my life gave me the verse " In all this you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while you may have had to suffer grief in all kinds of trials.These have come so that the proven genuineness of your faith—of greater worth than gold, which perishes even though refined by fire—may result in praise, glory and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed. 1 Peter 1:6,7(NIV) 
God is such a provider in every area of our lives as long as we let him.


Forgiven where do I start with this song...My past plays in my head as the devil likes to use my past to stop me moving forward in the life God has for me, my past is my testimony on how great my God is as he has brought me from who I was to who I am in him now. There are days I don't feel like I fit in and belong & when the devil tells me I don't measure up. I can hold up to the fact I am Forgiven & a treasure in the arms of Christ.


Give Me Your Eyes is a song that I pray through I do not want to become complaisant in my Faith & Love that my Father has shown me. I have worn that mask & I pray that God gives me his Eyes to see behind the mask of those who cross my path & for him to give me the arms for the Broken Hearted that are far beyond my reach. I also pray I never loose the love for humanity.


All songs I have mentioned are in the column below to your left. This is all for now I will cont. as time permits. May your day be filled with God's Blessings, if you don't know God yet please check out "You Can Know God Now" God is there for you & Loves you he is knocking at the door all you need to do is let him in, if you want to open the door all you need to do is say this prayer:


"Jesus, I want to know you. I want you to come into my life. Thank you for dying on the cross for my sin so that I could be fully accepted by you. Only you can give me the power to change and become the person you created me to be. Thank you for forgiving me and giving me eternal life with God. I give my life to you. Please do with it as you wish. Amen."

If you sincerely asked Jesus into your life just now, then he has come into your life as he promised. You have begun a personal relationship with God.

What follows is a lifelong journey of change and growth as you get to know God better through Bible reading, prayer and interaction with other Christians.

Please Check out the Links Above to get connected to the Christian Community to get support in your new walk with Jesus Christ.

Thanking God for Showing Me

I am so thanking God for showing me that when he asked me to walk on water, it may have been scary to take that first step, that I had nothing to fear.

I have been watching God orchestrate his plan for my life. I stand in awe.

Yesterday, I received an email for Global Aid Network yesterday telling me I could consider myself part of the Kenya Missions Team, all I had to do was mail the registration & the $50. deposit. My feet are barely touching the ground with excitement of what God is going to show & teach me next on this Journey he is taking me on.

I look back now and ask myself why I waited so long to give God the drivers seat in my life and never want to go back into the drivers seat.

May God meet you where you are today and may you hand him the keys to your life.

Worship Songs are Like a Photo Album

I was standing in Church this morning singing Praise & Worship songs today and it was revealed to me that I use to sing these songs like you would look at a friend or families vacation photos, enjoyable & beautiful but there is no real meaning or connection to the photos.

I find now it is much different, it is like I am looking at the photo album of a journey that God has taken me on. Every song has deep meaning & connection. I can now connect an experience I have had with my Heavenly Father through the songs.

"Alive Again" reminds me of the Journey I was on through the trial where I felt reality losing a grip on me as everything I relied on disappeared, when I was surrounded by the darkness & God broke through My deafness allowing me to breath in and out & become alive again.

"Amazing Grace ( My Chains are Gone)" reminds me of how much a wretch I was, how lost I was and how blind I was to the fact I was set free. My God my Saviour ransomed me and in his word my hope secures.

"Attention" brings me back to the memory of the time once we found out what was happening with my daughter and was not a 100% sure that the seizures were over. God had brought me out of all the wars I was waging in my life and brought me to a place of being still, he called me here so I could find my purpose. He had my complete attention.

"Beautiful" brings me to the place where I was so broken and had no more strength and I had totally hearing I wasn't worth anything and wondering if I could ever be loved. I wondered if anyone truly saw my heart would they see to much and leave. Then my Heavenly Father dried my tears, he knew what was in my heart and showed me I was worthy of his love and he created me for a purpose only I can fill. He is showing me that my life is worth so much more than what it was.

"Better Than a Hallelujah" reminds me that God would rather here my honest cries out to him as this is true show of faith when everything is crumbling around you and you can still cry out to him, because anyone can praise him when everything is going good.

"Born again" is so how I feel because I am not who I was 2yrs ago. God brought me to a point I could die to myself, so I could become alive in Christ and be Born Again

"Christmas Shoes" so touches my heart as my sister is dieing and I pray she gets to dance with Jesus.

well it is night for now.

Oh before I go I'm excited to say I have my application Faxed out for a Kenya Missions Trip with Global Aid Network. I have the date for my first fundraiser with the understanding if my application is not excepted the money fund-raised will roll into Northview Community Churches Missions Ministry. I just have to fill out a form for Northviews Short term Missions. Please pray for God's will to be done. Thank you & Goodnight!

What are We Carrying?

I have had a memory brought to my mind of something I was told along time ago. I do not know if it is in the Bible or if it was just something someone told me.  God asked a man to carry a rock to the top of the mountain. The man started  to make his way up the mountain, along the way he was stop by someone who asked him since you are going up the mountain could you take these rocks of mine up to the top as well, the man said no problem. He continued on his way when another person said I see you are going to the top of the mountain could you take my rocks up to the top of  the mountain, the man said yes. The Man continued up the mountain. he was struggling as the load was very heavy and became difficult to carry. The Man cried out to God I don't think I can make it to the top my load is to heavy. God asks the man what did I ask you to do? I asked you to carry my rock, if you were doing what I asked your load would not be so heavy.

How many times does God ask us to do something and we pick up stuff along the way that makes it impossible to do what God has asked us to do.

I think God has brought this back to my mind as I have been so wanting to walk inline with God that I have found myself picking up stuff along the way that may be very good causes & worth supporting, but it is not what God has asked of me. I have good intentions but I need to learn to say no to my intentions and yes to doing what God has asked me without picking up more along the way that makes it impossible to do what God has asked of me.

 Everyone who believes that Jesus is the Christ is born of God, and everyone who loves the father loves his child as well. This is how we know that we love the children of God: by loving God and carrying out his commands.  In fact, this is love for God: to keep his commands. And his commands are not burdensome, 1 John 5:1-3

Poverty/Hoarding & Falling on Bended Knee

I had a conversation on Poverty & Hoarding, sometimes when you look from the outside without looking on the inside you could miss the meaning. I believe Hoarding happens in poverty for several reasons.

One reason could have nothing to do with poverty itself it could be because one has never been taught in a way they can purge stuff themselves. I suffered from this as I never knew what was important to keep & what wasn't and would never throw out anything for fear of consequences to parting with things. I can remember going through things to get rid of and my Mom would go through it after and tell me no you don't want to get rid of that oh no you don't want to get rid of that, so consequently I had no clue.

Another reason could be at some point they may have lost everything or come real close and stuff became their security and sometimes if they deal with the stuff & it isn't there they will have to face themselves & their circumstances.

One Hording that someone brought up was very close to home. I was told that they knew someone who was living in poverty but she couldn't believe the amount of food they were hording. I relate to this as if I have extra money I by groceries as I try to fill up a small room we call our pantry & stalk our freezer till there is no more room. I know why when you live in poverty why you would do this. I did this because when my children were small & I hid my poverty in the closet there were several days where we didn't have enough food & I went through the day & night hungry. I never wanted to feel that pain again. I now hoard food when I have money to do it. I have learned this out of survival.

I am realizing more and more what Poverty of being means. Poverty of being is a loss of a sense of security in your surroundings & a feeling of helplessness of know way out. You feel like you are running in circles & can't figure out how to stop.

I sometimes still feel that way. I have all these dreams but I don't know what to do with them I am stuck in that circle. I remembered to day when two of my friends & I from the low cost housing had been going to Coffee connections at Church for a while and one of my friends had someone come along side of them & invite them into their lives. I should have been happy for them, but I felt even more alone, my heart ached to be noticed my heart just wanted to be a somebody who mattered. I wanted someone to be a friend & a mentor to show me the way out of the circle. I still sometimes wonder if I am stuck in that circle.

Today I found myself on bended knee praying to God to reign down on the desire of my heart, for him to Open the doors that needed opened, close the ones tight that needed to be & for him to put a guard rail on the path he wants me to take so I can’t wonder off. By chance was I taking control again & was God waiting for me to fall to my knees in prayer & release that control one more time. You think by now I would learn...not!  I got home from work today to an email from a missions organization that has a Short term Missions trip to Kenya in Sept '11.


As I am typing this my absent minded brain remembers also that I need to speak with one of our Pastors as he is from Kenya & does Missions trips to Kenya. I am finding my greatest challenges are my impulse to go charging forward & my really terrible memory. Father are you sure it's someone with theses challenges that you really want. I know I have already asked this one and you pointed to the people of the bible like Moses, in Exodus.

The Orphans are still on my mind & heart. I cont. to pray for guidance in this area as I want to walk forward but in God's will.

Wait for the LORD; 
   be strong and take heart 
   and wait for the LORD. Psalm 27:14

Thinking My Feet Left God's Path for Me.

I woke up this morning realizing I had stepped off the path but not sure how, but soon was to realize.

I was asked how does God speak to me.  God speaks through thoughts that pop into my head & the feelings around the thoughts get stronger as scripture, prayer & people’s actions contribute to that thought. The more I ignore it the peace that God has given starts fading till I finally get off my high horse and except what he is telling or asking me to do and then the peace floods back in. I find sometimes though it takes me longer to get it, God knows how my brain works. I find that I start noticing that the purse strings start getting tightened just like a parent does to a child when they continue to ignore their parents guidance. I find his provision gets noticeably different and it starts to get difficult to make ends meet. I realize this is probably because I am starting to take control back over my life & I start telling God you can have this bit but I know better for this part. I hope that makes sense. Please realize that I might not have this a 100% right as I am still learning & God is still teaching me.

When I woke I realized that yesterday I responded after a day of prayer for discernment for the orphanage. I found out that it is not like conventional orphanage as they rely on Grandmothers, Aunts and those willing to care for the orphans in a family setting in their homes. The Mwanza Orphanage Project began in 2007. They now fundraise to support 56 orphans. They provide their basic needs such as schooling, food, clothing and misc., things that crop up & they can find funds for.

I also contacted a Missionary Organization, the difference was I didn't pray for discernment over this I just jumped in. I have a habit of being like a dumb sheep, I get on a thought & I run to it without thought, but I find my Shepard is pulling me back much quicker now. When I explained what was going on to my children this morning my daughter said "Mom haven't you learned to do one thing at a time so you know what is yeah & what is neah", wisdom of children......She also said "Mom what happens when we commit to something without asking you first & it doesn't fit into the plan you pull the parenting rank and say you didn't ask first so the answer is no!" wisdom of children, I got it. My Heavenly Father wants me to come to him first & ask does this fit into his plan for my life & I need to listen & understand that it isn't for me to understand right now but the answer could be no or it could be me needing to learn. Time to set some time aside to pray about this.

Show me my sins that I'm not aware of. 

      If I've done what is wrong, 

      I won't do it again.' 

  But you refuse to turn away from your sins. 

      So God won't treat you the way you want to be treated. 

   You must decide, ....... I can't do it for you. 

      So tell me what you know. 

Job 34:32-34 (NIR Version)

he tells them what they have done—
   that they have sinned arrogantly.
He makes them listen to correction
   and commands them to repent of their evil.
If they obey and serve him,
   they will spend the rest of their days in prosperity
   and their years in contentment.

Job 36:9-11 (New International Version)

This is what the Sovereign LORD, the Holy One of Israel, says:
   “In repentance and rest is your salvation,
   in quietness and trust is your strength,
   .........
Isaiah 30:15

Week full of Downs & Ups

I started this week feeling heavy & heavily burden until I thought there was no reason for this and that this could only be here do to spiritual warfare, so I did what I learned to do through Prayer counseling after last year. You see I didn't totally understand till then that through my Salvation Christ had given me authority over the darkness, as through the Crucifiction & the Rising of Jesus Christ the war had been Won over the darkness.


I called to the LORD, who is worthy of praise,
   and I have been saved from my enemies. Psalm 18:3

I commanded the Demons to return back to the pit of hell where they belonged to not return. In the Name of Jesus Christ. I did this with Confidence & Faith, the Heaviness & Burdens were lifted.

I have given you authority to trample on snakes and scorpions and to overcome all the power of the enemy; nothing will harm you. Luke 10:19

Tuesday my Work had a bake sale & I found out that I was not the only one who suffered from lack of funds to the point of not even having a dollar for goodies as the land of the working poor grows. I started to think that I can't even fathom what goes through the minds of the people of third world Countries that can't even afford to eat never mind a roof over there heads or the orphans that are left to fend for themselves as there families have died from disease or famine, and the poverty of being that they must be experience that must hold them down. The suffering they must feel, I only pray that they find the hope our Saviour has for them.

Those who consider themselves religious and yet do not keep a tight rein on their tongues deceive themselves, and their religion is worthless. Religion that God our Father accepts as pure and faultless is this: to look after orphans and widows in their distress and to keep oneself from being polluted by the world. James:26-27

Wednesday my Mom told me that my brothers spine had collapsed & that he has a tumor growing on his face that they think might be Cancerous, I have a saying now, its added to the list, as my prayer list grows.

Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. Philippians 4:5-7


This week has been a challenge of finances as I haven't quite adjusted to the lack of child support, even though it has been since Sept. since my ex decided it wasn't a need anymore. I am finding it difficult to keep up the fuel it takes to get to & from work, the kids commitments & Church. My mom is telling me as I type that we have very little meat as well. I would say wait till payday but today was payday & it was smaller than usual do to my son being assaulted at school & me having to miss work to deal with it. I can only say one thing I put myself in my Heavenly Fathers hands because through his strength & grace I can walk through the deep waters and he will not let me drown.

“Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothes? Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life? Mathew 6:25-27

Yesterday was a day to Remember the sacrifices that have been made so that we have the freedom to practice our faith & this would be our first Remembrance Day without my Nana who was a Sargent in the Royal Air Force in WWII Under the Balloons full of ammo to prevent the enemy planes from coming into London. My Nana past away July 20, 2010.

Today my friend emailed me to let me know that her friends orphanage they are building is not in Kenya but it  is in Tanzania one Province under Kenya. I prayed about it today. I also asked for prayer for discernment & guidance, I needed to know if this was the step God wanted me to take. 


God knows I'm easily distracted he took away all the things that would prevent me from listening to him, Facebook was down till last coffee on my phone, I forgot my IPod speakers at home including the headphones.( I had won an IPod at sears when getting a mattress almost 5yrs ago now, I could never justify buying myself one) I had nothing left to take me away from listening to God.


let the wise listen and add to their learning, 
   and let the discerning get guidance— Proverbs 1:5


God spoke to my heart & I now know that if everything falls into place I will be fundraising for the orphanage until God directs me else ware. I pray one day when it is God's timing I will be able to go to the orphanage.

Part 3 & Conclusion of Beginning of the trial that lead up to the Understanding of My Saviour & My Salvation.

During this time we were supported tremendously by our Church family as they came to support us at the hospital, were available to talk at the drop of the hat, they prayed for us & the Youth Pastor even told me to call no matter what time it was day or night if my daughter was about to experience an attack. The Youth Pastor also gave me Freedom Verses, Your Identity in Christ & Who I Am in Christ Statements. He also told me that I didn't need to be a pastor to use the authority in Christ as Christ had also given me his authority. I could declare the Freedom verses & who I am in Christ on my daughters behalf I could also ask who is this who is doing this. I was starting to get a better understanding of my Saviour & what my salvation meant.

My daughter experienced another attack, this time at home. My Mom & son were present when I was doing what the Youth pastor told me & the more I declared them for my daughter the worse it got. We were all stunned when a deep male voice that was not my daughters voice at all told us that she was his and there was nothing that we could do. I told him to leave as he was not welcome & that my daughter belong to Jesus Christ. This would be the last time we heard from the verbal demonic, we would now be back to the normal attacks my daughter would experience except she would still go limp & pass out during prayer but through prayer counseling and learning how to renounce confess & reject the things hat are not of Christ, my daughter became free of the bondage put on her and has been set free in Christ. Through this we learned you need to guard what you allow your mind to see & here so not to give the enemy any openings or strongholds.

My daughters normal attacks by Nov. were now lasting 3 hrs a time & she was going through two a day. She would cycle in & out for 3hrs. we finally were able to get through them with out calling 911 as much at least we would try.
I finally broke one night I was curled up in my bed screaming to God this was the night God would dry my tears in a miraculous way. That night was the night I died to myself & became alive in Christ. This would be the night God showed himself to me.
I started to get a glimpse into my all powerful Saviour & the great forgiveness he had for my sins as over that year I had very little sleep, very little food & very little time to think about what I was saying & doing, this revealed my true self and I hate to say it wasn't pretty. God had revealed all my sins & weaknesses, he also revealed that I survived that year on his strength, not mine. I finally understood  the gift of my Salvation. After that night the answers started to come I found the information on Focal seizures & Status seizures as I was woken up in the middle of the night to God telling me seizures & to take my daughter off all the medications. I found out in the morning that at the time I was finding the info God had put me on the heart of a friend to pray.  I took my daughter off the meds gradually as they needed weaned off of. The Seizures started to be not so long till the point they were completely gone. I ended up finding the kids birth Dr. that I had thought had retired, but found out he was semi retired. He referred my daughter to the Epilepsy Clinic in the big city And they told us what God had already told us it was seizures & over time would be completely gone. My daughter has been seizure free for almost a year now and is back to being her & has acquired a much stronger faith. I know longer live life in fear as I know now that the plan for my life was written before I was formed in my mothers womb & if God would bring us through that year he would bring us through anything. I don't see the world in the same way I use to & things don't stress me out the way they use to I had found my freedom in my salvation.


Your Identity in Christ
if you've already begun a relationship with God, through Jesus Christ, here's some things to know about your identity in Christ!

I have been given spiritual authority-Lk 10:19
I am free from condemnation-Rom 8:1
I have been adopted by God-Rom 8:15
I am a child of promise-Rom 9:8; Gal 3:14
I have received the spirit of God-1 Cor 2:12
I have been given the mind of Christ-1 Cor 2:16
I am a temple of God- 1 Cor 3:16; 6:19
I am reconciled to God- 2 Cor 5:18
I am one spirit with the Lord-1 Cor 6:17
I am a member of Christ body-1 Cor 12:27
I'm redeemed and forgiven-Eph 1:6-8
I am to be righteous & holy like God Eph 4:24
I have direct access to God-Eph 2:18
I am a citizen of heaven-Phil 3:20
I've been rescued from Satan's domain-Col 1:13
I am chosen of God-holy beloved-Col 3:12
I am a child of light, not darkness-1 Thess 5:5
I'm a child of God- He is my Father-1 Jn 3:1,2

Freedom Verses
Matt 16:18
2 Cor. 10:3-5
1 John 3:8
Isa. 54:17
1 John 4:4
James 4:7
Divine Shelter of God
Col 1:13
Ps. 18:2
1 John 5:18
Ps. 91:1
Ps. 121:5-8
Fear
1 John 4:18
2 Tim. 1:7 NKJV
Ps. 23:4
Heb 2:14
Heb 2:14-15
Deliverance, Forgiveness & Salvation
Luke 4:17-19
Heb. 7:25
1 John :9
Ps. 32:7
Ps.91:3
Peace
Rom 16:20
Ps.46:10 KJV
1 Peter 5:6-7
Ps. 4:8
Power of the New Covenant
Rev 12:11
Col. 2:13-14
Matt 26:26-28
Zech 9:11-12
Healing
Isa. 53:4
Isa. 53:5
Matt 4:24
Family
Acts 16:31
Isa. 49:25
Acts 2:17
Discernment(wisdom)
John 8:44
1 Cor. 2:15
Eph. 6:10-18

Part 2 of Beginning of the trial that lead up to the Understanding of My Saviour & My Salvation.

I left out some important details on my last post Beginning of the trial that lead up to the Understanding of My Saviour & My Salvation. When I had said the nurse couldn't give her any more medication it was because her blood pressure was to low.

My Daughter's normal attacks would be Mom I'm not feeling good and I would be barely able to grab her before her body would go limp & she would drop. Shortly after she would become conscious but non-coherent to us being around and she would start living out us all being hurt & then murdered, I became in her mind the attacker as I was trying to protect her from getting hurt by her surroundings and was in need to restrain her.


 When we started experiencing spiritual warfare it was very obvious what it was, as soon as the questions my daughter was facing about her faith would start to be addressed she would start getting feeling not so good.


 I had taken her to a Pastorate that I went to once every couple of weeks & because of the attacks she was experiencing had got so bad that she had become glued to my hip & went everywhere I went, we were inseparable. During the Pastorate some of the questions she had asked me on the way to were being addressed. She started not feeling good so we had to leave.


 I asked her did she think she would be ok as it was a dark windy road coming down off the mountain we would have to travel & it would be dangerous for us to drive if she had an attack, she said she thought she could fight it, you see we were soon to find out these weren't normal attacks. We started our way down the mountain and we weren't far before my daughter found herself fighting for her soul as a demonic presence was with us in that vehicle ride home. You could feel the darkness present in that vehicle, I have to admit I was freaked as I found myself arguing with a demon over my daughters life. Scriptures started coming from my mouth as the Holy spirit guided me. By the time we got home she started to calm down and the heaviness of the darkness was lifting.


 My son was at youth at the other end of town at our church, I figured it was safe to skip getting out of the vehicle as the Church was where I felt we needed to be under the circumstances & it wouldn't hurt to wait for my son. We got with in a couple of blocks of the Church & the battle began again, the closer we got the worse it got. My daughter started begging me not to go to the Church as it hurt to get close. I knew I had to get her to the Church no matter what She screamed in pain the hole way. The Second we got on church Property she would become limp & pass out. I phoned the youth Pastors Cell & told him what just happened. He came out with two other people from th Church & we prayed over her. They asked me to pray out loud with them. I told them I can't pray out loud I didn't know how. They encouraged me as I needed to do this for my daughter. I felt the Holy Spirits Guidance as I opened my mouth. My daughter was out cold through it all. This I would find out was only the beginning as any time we said grace at the table we would be guaranteed that during grace she would end up going limp & fall off her chair. We started padding the floor around her at the table. Anytime God was brought up she would become limp & pass out.


  to be cont. have to go now till next time.


Finally, be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power. Put on the full armor of God, so that you can take your stand against the devil’s schemes. For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand. Stand firm then, with the belt of truth buckled around your waist, with the breastplate of righteousness in place, and with your feet fitted with the readiness that comes from the gospel of peace. In addition to all this, take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one. Take the helmet of salvation and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God.
 And pray in the Spirit on all occasions with all kinds of prayers and requests. With this in mind, be alert and always keep on praying for all the Lord’s people. Pray also for me, that whenever I speak, words may be given me so that I will fearlessly make known the mystery of the gospel, for which I am an ambassador in chains. Pray that I may declare it fearlessly, as I should. Ephesians 6:10-20


Part 3 & Conclusion of Beginning of the trial that lead up to the Understanding of My Saviour & My Salvation.

Beginning of the trial that lead up to the Understanding of My Saviour & My Salvation.

After being baptized, I started noticing changes of thought & how I viewed the people around me.

March came around and I found myself rushing my daughter to emerge, this had started to become a regular occurance  as she would have difficulty breathing.

 She was diagnosed by our local hospital with Asthma almost 5 yrs. earlier, so when she had difficulty breathing it would be like what they call here Russian Rulet (not intending to offend anyone with this title) do I take her to the emerge or do I not because half the time I would get told I shouldn't bring her. The other half the times I decided to stay at home & eventually took her in I would get yelled at why didn't you bring her in earlier. There was no right answer.

March though seem to be different, we were sitting with the nurse giving her all the info & she went into anaphylactic shock the nurse ended up giving my daughter her epi pen. She was admitted with Asthma aspiration & would be in the pediatrics for just shy of two weeks. I would be in a mig shift bed next to her the whole time. My mom would look after my son. Near the end of her stay they would deam that she was now suffering from panic attacks do to her fear of stopping breathing as during her stay a medication they gave her caused her to go into anaphylactic shock & she almost ended up in ICU. So they gave her a medication for the panic attacks and she was released with an appointment to see a respologist at our children's hospital.


We were in and out of emerge up until that appointment now not knowing was it Asthma, was it reflux, was it a panic attack and wishing I had a medical degree. One night my daughter was feeling chest pains, I told the doctor the list including the panic attacks he gave her Morphine & Valium, this didn't touch her chest pains,  the nurse came in and said she would be unable to give her anymore, as she was crying in pain, as her blood pressure was to low. The Dr. came in a few minutes later and told me he was giving her another shot of Morphine & I was to give it to her every hour on the hour for the next four & if it didn't work bring her back. My daughter was 16, every red flag in my body went off. I left emerge and got on our freeway and headed straight to childrens hospital, by the time we got there she started hallucinating spiders, I thought nothing of it as I thought it was probably the Morphine & Valium. Children's said she shouldn't have been given the Valium & Morphine especially  at her age. She was having a panic attack & they sat and explained it to her so she could understand & told her what to do something our hospital hadn't. They sent us home.


We went to the respologist appointment to find out those five years we thought my daughter had Asthma, she didn't, she had never had Asthma. We would find out later that she had a vocal chord dysfunction that would put her vocal cords into spasms making it difficult to breath & the only cure for it was learning to exercise her vocal cords. Vocal Chord Dysfunction is common for people who sing & she sings. 


We walked out of that appointment with so many emotions, anger, shock, confusion, shattered. We had put our trust in a system, in people that were suppose to protect us & make us feel better. Our trust was broken.


By the next week we were finding ourselves being plucked off the freeway after the hallucinations returned & my daughter tried getting out of our van at 100 km/h on the freeway. She was no longer coherent to us being present all she knew was we were being attacked & killed. The fire department & paramedics came to our rescue.


My son's first response when it all started happening was to grab the bible he didn't know I had in the van and started reciting scripture. Then my mom told him to look up Psalm 23:

The LORD is my shepherd, I lack nothing. 

 He makes me lie down in green pastures, 

he leads me beside quiet waters, 

 he refreshes my soul. 

He guides me along the right paths 

   for his name’s sake. 

Even though I walk 

   through the darkest valley, 

I will fear no evil, 

   for you are with me; 

your rod and your staff, 

   they comfort me.

You prepare a table before me 

   in the presence of my enemies. 

You anoint my head with oil; 

   my cup overflows. 

Surely your goodness and love will follow me 

   all the days of my life, 

and I will dwell in the house of the LORD 

   forever.

We ended up saying Psalm 23 together as we tried to get through to her, this began a journey that would change our lives.

Over the next several months would be the fight of our lives with over 60 911 calls, my daughter being labelled a rebelling temper tantrum-ming teen, yes these are the words that came out of a Psychiatrists mouth, My heart & soul new different. We were lied to, we were rejected by several Dr.'s & Nurses, one Nurse told my daughter that it was dangerous to cry wolf as she was checking her into emerge. I had a Dr.' tell me that I wasn't to bring her back to emerge & when I said that this was 911 protocol, I was told not to call 911. 

I found myself not having a choice, I had to call 911 because I couldn't keep her safe. They asked me Police, Fire or Ambulance, I found myself balling into the phone I don't know because emerge told me not to call you. We were blessed one 911 call, this was a God send the ambulance was an ambulance from a neighboring community & we were half way between hospitals so they could take her there & I finally got a video of what she was going through & what she was going through was definitely not a tantrum. The Dr. brought up seizures & suggested she get referred to a neurologist, the sad part is it was to late for him to connect us & I knew our Dr. wouldn't as he believed it was all in her head, but I knew it wasn't. We got to the point that we did our best to get through it without 911. We started experiencing spiritual warfare amongst    the attacks she would experience. Her normal attacks would be Mom I'm not feeling good and I would be barely able to grab her before her body would go limp & she would drop.

I hate to leave you hanging but it is late here & my daughter is bugging to get onto the computer to register for student loans. I will cont. soon, but night for now.

Part 2 of Beginning of Trial that Lead Up to the Understanding of My Saviour & My Salvation

I had a Saviour but I didn't really understand what that meant for my whole life.

I had asked Christ in my heart over 12 yrs ago but not until last year did I truly know what that meant.  I went on with my life. I had experienced his power of giving me peace when I received the diagnosed with cancer but I really didn't understand my Saviour.

I was still in control trying to achieve what was expected in society & every time my poverty would get in the way & my lack of education. You see I was told a week before I was to graduate that I was short one elective to Graduate, my dream of being the first in my family was crushed by the absence of a basket weaving course, yes I am being sarcastic.

I was striving to gain money it was the center focus of my life God had my attention on Sunday's when I was able to attend. Sunday's were dependent on whether there was kids church as my son could not attend Sunday service in the sanctuary do to his sensory to sound from his Autism, he would end up crawling under the pew screaming in pain.  We were blessed that the church we were going to referred us to the church we go to now as their kids church goes all the way to middle school, so we could attend as long as I remembered Sunday morning or didn't feel down.

I had tried many times through out the years to be baptized & every time I tried everything in my life would crumble and I would give up. Finally I didn't try for a long time for fear of what might happen, the enemy one.

I finally figured out how to make sure we had to go every Sunday, my daughter signed up to volunteer for Kidstown for both services on Sunday, now we were committed. I started becoming a regular bench warmer on every Sunday morning service. I still really didn't know my Saviour & what it meant to be saved.

My daughter & son were introduced to Youth Alpha through a coworker I use to ride transit with. My kids were hooked & their relationship with our Saviour started. My daughter started volunteering at Alpha as a helper & eventually convinced me to go. I learned a little more about my Saviour but still really didn't know him that well & what Salvation meant.

I finally was baptized in Nov '08, this was the beginning of understanding my Saviour & my Salvation.

I will have to cont. later as my eyes get heavy.


.......Jesus said to them, “You will drink the cup I drink and be baptized with the baptism I am baptized with, but to sit at my right or left is not for me to grant. These places belong to those for whom they have been prepared.” Mark 10:39,40(NIV)


“I baptize you with water for repentance. But after me comes one who is more powerful than I, whose sandals I am not worthy to carry. He will baptize you with the Holy Spirit and fire. Mathew 3:11

The Next Trial, with God's Strength & Peace

At the end of September my work had taken me to the hospital with heart issues, we weren't sure whether or not I could have been having a heart attack. I was sent for some tests one of which was an ultrasound of my heart, this test was taken the last day of September.

I was called into the Dr.'s office today for the results, I knew something was up as the girl who called me also gave me an appointment for a Cardiologist for the end of this month. I went to the Dr.'s this afternoon to find out that the next trial was to begin.

Apparently I have a hole in my heart. The hole connects the top two chambers of my heart allowing the blood to skip two steps of what the heart is suppose to do. I should be scared right now as they decide whether or not they will need to close the hole and at this point I am at a much higher risk of having a stroke, but I am not. The Peace & Joy God put in my heart the day I completely gave my life over to the plan God has for me is still present. I know:
"For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Jeremiah 29:11(NIV)


I also know:


In all this you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while you may have had to suffer grief in all kinds of trials. These have come so that the proven genuineness of your faith—of greater worth than gold, which perishes even though refined by fire—may result in praise, glory and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed. 1 Peter 1:6,7


and finally:


Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves receive from God. For just as we share abundantly in the sufferings of Christ, so also our comfort abounds through Christ. If we are distressed, it is for your comfort and salvation; if we are comforted, it is for your comfort, which produces in you patient endurance of the same sufferings we suffer. And our hope for you is firm, because we know that just as you share in our sufferings, so also you share in our comfort. 2 Corinthians 1:3-7




I have to be honest though I am concerned for the stress this will put on my two children & my mom as we are still dealing with my sister who is terminal do to complete kidney failure & now her liver is shutting down. I am also concerned about my mom worrying about our finances as she doesn't trust our heavenly father as I do.

You see last year I was on a leave of absence trying to fight for my daughters life as we went through over 60 911 calls. During this time we only had income 15 weeks out of a 8month period. God provided for the rest of the time as unexplainable our bills were kept up without being late, the only explanation was God's provision. I know that God has brought us to this & he will bring us through it.

I appreciate your prayers for God's Strength, Wisdom & Peace for my family as we go through the next trial.

Please check out the song called "No Matter What" by Kerrie Roberts in the songs that speak to my heart list below to your left, this is how I am feeling.

Poverty & Parenting

I have found myself in some very difficult choices as a single mom that poverty has played a strong roll in my choices. I am sure these choices don't always apply just to single parents. When my children were growing up for the first 11yrs I was faced continuously with the choice of being a stay at home mom or a working mom. I weighed these choices very heavily. I had felt that my children already had one parent leave & if I went back to work would I be abandoning them as well as my time for them would be limited. I have always felt that my children had never asked to come into this world & it was my responsibility to take care of them the best way I could. I also thought about my income & what it would cost to put them in daycare to be raised by strangers. I felt that more than half of what I would be qualified to make would go to daycare so was it really worth having someone else raise my children.

 I choose to stay on welfare and this came with many sacrifices. I was now labelled a welfare bump because I must be lazy not to go to work, but if you have ever been a stay at home mom you know it is in name only because children require allot of work because after all they are an investment into our future.

Society though in the whole only sees the welfare lines and what the call the bums I don't know if they will ever look past the faces to see the person. I fully agree that the system is broken & is more like a band aid because the real issues these people are facing are not being addressed because of the blindness.

By the time my children were in Grade 1 & 2 I was diagnosed with Cervical Cancer. I remember going to the specialist as he had called me in. I was sitting at the other side of the desk when he told me the word cancer & that I had some choices to make that is all I remember about that visit. I walked down to my car just shaking I got behind the steering wheel & there was no way I could drive I sat there and bald as I thought what this meant. Single Parent what happens to my children if this is my time, I didn't want them going to their fathers as he didn't care enough for them to stick around so how could he have their best interests at heart. I screamed out to God, as I had recently become a Christian, Why, what am I going to do, this is the first time I had felt the power of God come over me & he had given me a peace that transcends understanding. God had given me the peace that it would be ok it was in his hands.  I had the surgery three months later & they were able to get it all. Praise God!

When both of my children were at school age & my mom had rescued us out of low cost housing. I went down to the welfare office with a plan to get myself off the system & out of poverty. When I got there I sat down with my welfare worker and told her the plan. My plan was to go back to school to become a teachers aid as I by then had personal experience with Autism & had taken many wait list training while waiting for support for my child, so it looked like a perfect fit. I thought if they could just cont. to help with my shelter & food costs until I finished school I could pick myself back up again, especially at that time there was a shortage of Aides in the school with Autism knowledge. I was stunned to be told if I was to apply for school I would be cut off of welfare & why would I want to because my son was special needs I had no worries till he turned 19 they would support me....wow...I was shocked because I thought the purpose of the system was to get you on your feet & was a short term solution. Well from there I went home & talked with my mom & she said we would figure out how we could manage, things would be much tighter but we would try.

 I went to school I found out that I needed to get one course first before entering into a University program & it would be free & there was a grant for the cost of my text books. I completed that course with a B+ and finally started thinking I wasn't that dumb as I always thought, but just before I finished the course my mom was diagnosed with breast cancer just before Christmas.

Our whole lives would be changed. My mom went for surgery where they did a mastectomy & had to remove 17 limphnoids , I no I am probably not spelling it right. She came out of it with limited function of her right arm & considering she was right handed this complicated allot of things, though I praise God that I still have my mom. My mom was a bookkeeper by trade & loosing the use of her right arm meant she could no longer do her job that she had been doing over 20 yrs. I was now faced with having going to school put on the back burner.

My mom & my roles were now being reversed she would be staying home with the kids well I found employment to support us, there was one complication all I qualified for was fast food restaurants. I got a job at a fast food place but the income was not really enough to raise a growing family & was half the income my mom had been bringing in. We had to go through some major growing pains as we needed to adjust.

Moving on to the next choice. Now as a working Single Parent I was faced with many choices of  when the kids are sick & need me do I have the ability to stay home & nurture them back to health or does that mean we lose the house, the guilt that I would feel when they would cry mommy don't go but I knew I didn't have a choice. I would be torn up inside and there was no one to turn to for support emotionally as no one understood me and what was on my heart. I would only be criticized for my feelings and the poverty of being would only grow.

I would also be faced with teachers interviews or parent functions at school that would be at the same time I was working & couldn't afford time off work and would see the hurt & disappointed in the eyes of my children. as all their friends parents would be there. The poverty of being would grow.

 I had a Saviour but I didn't really understand back then what that meant for my whole life.

“No one can serve two masters. Either you will hate the one and love the other, or you will be devoted to the one and despise the other. You cannot serve both God and money. 
“Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothes? Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? Mathew 6:24-26 (NIV)