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Friday, February 25, 2011

God Testing Me, I think or was he showing me?

Yesterday I think God was testing my forgiveness for those who took us through our nightmare.

My daughter came to me 5 minutes before midnight unable to take the pain in her head anymore, could I take her to the emergency. I know it is bad when she requests to go back to the place that broke her trust, so off we went. While driving towards the hospital the anxiety was building as this would be the first time taking her to emerge since the end of our nightmare a year ago. I knew I didn't have a choice as she has been having a crease growing in depth between where her neck ends & the base of the back of her skull starts that is extremely painful to the touch.

My brain started going through all the possibilities of what would happen when we got there, would I be able to forgive them face to face, would I be able to hold it together without loosing it on them, could I stand up to them if I needed to. What if it was one of the staff we had problems with before. I started praying for God to give me strength to get through this.

We were waiting for the triage nurse and it was taking a while. I had questions go through my head, is this because they are busy or is this because her file was flagged in 2009 and we are  going to be waiting here pointlessly. I finally was getting up to ask before I put myself in an emotional place I didn't want to go by letting my brain focus on all the negative possibilities. While I was waiting to speak with the nurse my daughter was called. Praise God for saving me from myself & the possible conversation that could have gone so wrong.

My daughter was taken straight in & it wasn't long till we saw one of he nurses who wasn't the friendliest in 2009, it would turn out that she would be my daughters nurse last night. God gave me his opportunity as with his grace I was able to explain to her that the prescription my daughter was on at the time was what had caused the over 60 911 calls.  She asked a few questions about it.

We waited a while for the Dr. as it was a busy night for the emerge, not that this wasn't normal. The Dr. finally came & examined her. He told me he would give her something. My heart dropped, I knew what this meant he wanted to give her medication. I had every memory rush back like a bad movie, a movie I didn't want to experience again. I asked the nurse what the meds were before they filled them as this was a question we learned to ask. The nurse told me & my daughter what they were, it would be two meds we hadn't heard of & Tylenol. Fear gripped me, what if one of these meds would trigger the seizures again could this be the beginning of the nightmare all over again. I talked to my daughter and asked if she could survive without them being what could happen, she said the pain was to bad, it was making her nauseas it was so bad and she couldn't stand the light or any noise. The nurse gave her the meds through an IV. I facebooked a request for prayer as I was having a stress attack, my heart was racing a mile a minute, I couldn't stand still as I felt confined, my chest started to feel tight and I could feel a pain in my chest. I knew it was just anxiety & fear that were controlling me, I prayed for God's strength. I told God that I knew I couldn't do this with out him. The nurse kept checking on her after she had administered the meds, I think she was concerned as well. I ended up having a good conversation with the nurse, a conversation that reinforced my need to get a law passed that puts the same restrictions on health care workers that is on commercial drivers that forces a certain amount of logged down time between shifts. I feel if we don't do something soon we want have any health care workers left as the all crumble from burn out.

We were released from the emerge as her pain had subsided & she was sleeping. We would get home around 4am. She would be fine & God brought me through another part of the healing.

I realize now that God has truly given me the gift of forgiveness as he has taken the anger I had & turned it into compassion & a need to fight for the people that I felt wronged by, this can only come through God's Grace & Love.

Monday, February 21, 2011

Meeting Me On The Way To Work

I was driving to work this morning when I was surprised by a visit. God met me in my thoughts this morning as I drove routinely  to work. You ask how did I know it was God, I knew because it came with his word.

He told me my child I understand

"You witnessed your daughter be rejected by those around you as they didn't believe her & they became furious. I watched my son be rejected by those he was brought up with and they became furious, my child I understand."
"You witnessed your child be taken from you, as she comforted you as she knew she needed to go. I witnessed my son be arrested as he told them to "Do what you came for... , my child I understand."
"You witnessed your daughter being mocked for who she was. I witnessed my son being mocked for who he was, my child I understand."
"You had to stand by and watch your daughter endure great suffering through many things. I had to stand by and watch my son endure great suffering through many things, my child I understand."

My child I understand & I knew my son had to go through this so my children of this world could be forgiven of their sin's and so one day they could enter my kingdom. My child you will understand one day why this had to happen for the greater plan. I ask you now to forgive those who did this to your child & trust me.

When I heard this, this morning, an understanding came over me & it was like a weight was lifted from me. I felt God giving me that gift of being able to allow the forgiveness to enter into the deepest part of my being. I understand now that they didn't know what they were doing to us.

Father forgive them for they know not what they have done, forgive them as you have forgiven me. In Jesus Christ Name

Mathew 26-27

Friday, February 18, 2011

Updating things

Well my Dad is still in hospital and still haven't heard from the social worker even after many try's. Last Sat when  I saw Dad he was in the fetal position laying in the hospital. I went to straighten his bed for him & give him a hug, when I took the blankets off to straighten them he was all skin & bones. My Dad is content with the fact he gets three meals a day and sleeps the rest. He doesn't look well at all.

My sister is still trying to have the Dr.'s figure out things as her body cont. to shut down. I so pray she accepts her salvation soon.

The Filming has started at our house and the crew are such a caring/polite bunch.

My Mom is starting to scare me as she has all the symptoms of post traumatic stress disorder, but doesn't see anything wrong and thinks we all want rid of her from the house, so not true.

My daughter has had enough with everything she is having to face, especially when my mom is threatening to split the house.

I wonder what is going through my son's mind while all this is happening his lips are sealed.

I am watching my family fall apart & witnessing all the suffering and apparently can't do anything to stop it.
Oh and on top of this all I have caught a bug and I have been feeling flutters in my heart all day & have been loosing the feeling in my left arm, what a weird feeling. Prayers please.

Father in heaven let me rest in your arms while you hold me together. In Jesus Christ Name Amen.

Thursday, February 17, 2011

How Come Some Times We Allow Our Mouths Speak Before Our Hearts

 I am finding as I go through this process of publicly expressing my thoughts that some times my mouth takes over & the words that are spoken are not from my heart they are words I have been told over & over again that my mouth believes to be true but my heart knows are not always right & not always what I believe.

I was asked  some questions yesterday & I found myself having my mouth speak the worldly expected answers. I found myself today rolling back the screen of what was happening with my heart questioning my mouth as I find my heart believes & trusts in Christ but my mouth still fails me & states the untruth of God's promise to me. I think back to the Church service on James 3:1-12 about taming your tongue & this is an area I still struggle with. I pray that God tames my tongue to only speak his truth.

I am starting to relate to what Jesus said to Peter in Mark 14:27-31 as I have always thought if I even had to die for Christ I would & I would not denie him no matter what, because of what he has done for me & the love I have for him.

I found myself during the first day of filming being a denier of Christ as Peter had in Mark 14:66-72.  I know it isn't as bluntly obvious as Peter did but as I was explaining things I turned to the worldly answers and by doing that denied what Jesus had done for me in my life & what he had taught me through the trials to trust him to take care of me & leave the idols in my life behind.

Jesus I ask for your forgiveness for I have sinned. Help me to be true to you & you alone. In Jesus Christ Name Amen.

Please Pray for my family, the Production Crew & for this to be for God's Praise & Glory....

Wednesday, February 16, 2011

I Can't Believe this is Really Happening!

Well it seems so surreal, but the reality is starting to kick in.

I could feel every moment of the day passing as it was getting closer and closer to the beginning of an event that could potentially change our lives for ever. I almost was begging the day to slow down instead of go faster as my nerves were getting the best of me, but the day forged forward at a rapped pace. The work day ended signifying one more step closer till tomorrow comes, then my employer took the group of us out to dinner to celebrate our teams hard work & show that they appreciate us all.

Work dinner was celebratory but it was also sad as I wouldn't be back at work tomorrow to say good bye to a fellow co-worker who was moving on and would be dearly missed, so tonight at the dinner was also saying good bye. When this was all said and done this meant one more thing passed to make it that much closer to the big day.

Now as I write this I am pondering if sleep will be had as it is like a little kid Christmas eve waiting for morning to open their presents not really knowing what it will bring.

I never would have guessed my son winning tickets to the Christmas show at Tradex in town through Praise 106.5 would lead to us hearing about a casting call for a pilot show being filmed for HGTV, my daughter beating me up to the sign up table and for us receiving a call & doing some preliminary filming & then finally getting the call saying we were chosen. I can't believe this is really happening!

Tomorrow when I get up & they start pulling in the driveway it will be so surreal & until it becomes a reality.

I just pray through this whole process I can stay true to God & that his will be done. Please pray for my family & all the production crew over the next 5 weeks.

May God's favor be pored over you in the coming weeks, let his will be done in your lives. In Jesus Christ Name Amen.

Sunday, February 13, 2011

Skeletons in the Closet

How many of us have skeletons in our closets, those things that we think cause people to think of us differently if they knew.

I use to live with those skeletons in my closet and really didn't understand how much control they had in my life. They laid rooted deep with in me and controlled my being. I never aloud anyone to get close enough because if they did they might find out the things I held in my closet that I was ashamed of and this would change how they looked at me, these were not cont-chance  thoughts & choices they had become instinct to protect myself from hurt, they became part of my being.

I didn't find out until after we went through the year that changed us all when my daughter went through medical distress and God revealed all my past hurts & sins, that the skeletons in my closet were holding me down and were paralyzing me from becoming the person I truly was.

God has helped me release those skeletons from my closet. I am finding with each skeleton I have brought out of the closet into my life, they have changed they are no longer a representation of death of my being of life. I have felt the weight be lifted from me, the weight of burden that I had carried for so long in that closet. I had finally been set free of the fear & shame that had shaped how I had lived. I finally have been released & set free from the bondage of the skeletons in my closet that I had given the enemy to control me in death of my being. Christ had revealed the gift he had waiting for me to except, the gift of freedom from my fear, shame & sin. Christ had given us all that gift it just takes each of us our own time to except that he had died on the cross to free us from our master sin & rose again to bring us eternal life as he took the keys of death & Hades/Hell.

Heavenly Father, I thank you for the gift you gave us in the death of your only begotten son, the gift of everlasting life free of fear & shame, full of mercy, grace & forgiveness. I pray Father for those of this world who have not yet found the gift you have for them or those who know about your gift but don't really understand yet what it means for their life because they have not unwrapped it in its fullest. Please shower them with wisdom & knowledge to understand the true meaning of your gift. I know I held your gift you gave me for many years with out truly unwrapping it and seeing what it was in that gift. I pray that when they hold your gift for them they are like a child who can't wait to unwrap it in its fullest. In Jesus Christ Name Amen.

Monday, February 7, 2011

About Me & My Prayer

I am reposting this for any one who wants to know & wasn't here in the beginning of me blogging & to make it easier in the future to be found.

About Me: 
I grew up with a father who suffered from a mental illness till my Mom

became a single parent when I was 7

I have been rejected by my earthly father,

I am an abuse survivor,

I am a date rape survivor,

I am a survivor of self-punishment,

I am a poverty survivor,

I am a cancer survivor,

I have been a single parent of almost 18 yrs,oops another year has slipped by it is 19yrs now.

I have raised two children, one who has High Functioning Autism/ ADHD
I have fought for the right for my son with HFA/ADHD to be aloud to attend school

I have experienced rejection from  system that was in place to protect, as
my daughter went through the over 60 911 calls due to a reaction to a prescription medication.

I have been faced with fighting for my daughters soul, when faced with
spiritual warfare that a year before I would have said you were nuts if you
told me any of what I saw with my Mom & son.

I have experienced God dry my tears when I became broken.

I have experienced deliverance from my past.

I have argued with God & lost,

I have experienced a peace that transcends understanding & an unexplainable
Joy, when I became dead to myself & alive in Christ.

The Healing has truly begun & this wouldn't have been possible if it wasn't for the love, mercy, forgiveness & grace of my Heavenly Father. He has given me freedom from my shame & fear. He has given my life purpose.
My prayer:( Please let this be your prayer)
              Father thank you for the promise you gave us through your son Jesus Christ. I lift the people of this world up to you in prayer, you know what they are facing, you know each one of them by name. Father let your will be done in their lives, flood them with your peace, hope, joy, & grace. Fill them with your holy spirit on a daily basis. Place a hedge of protection around them & cover them with the blood of Jesus. Father if they do not know you draw them close so they can see you. Remove all barriers that would stand in their way to knowing you. Father transform us & help our eyes stay fixed on Jesus. Jesus if we ever needed you its now! Lord Jesus Christ please come.....In Jesus Christ Name Amen.

Saturday, February 5, 2011

Figuring Out Things & Excitement Building

Well after getting home from the RV show I came home to my Mom making roast beef & Yorkshire puddings...oh yummy! We sat for a family meal  that was the first step to disaster. I find family meal times turn into my mom & daughter venting how miss treated each other is by each other...ug. I have figured out that they have absolutely no respect for each other. My son & I can feel the resentment they have for each other.

I don't even think they realize how bad it has gotten and how much it hurts my son and I listen to them go at it. I have finally given up on being the ref, because they are both right on somethings & they are both so wrong on other things. My son & I just got up tonight and went out & walked the dogs till they calmed down.

Our house is extremely quiet now to the point you can hear a pin drop as I think everyone is scared to open their mouths.

This could be interesting considering, we had a call into the house today by the film crew for the show Consumed from HGTV & this was part of the fight as my son gave the phone to my daughter because my Mom was visiting with Lou, he didn't think she wanted the phone in there. My daughter discussed the details and schedules with the head person & this angered my Mom as she said she was the adult & she was tired of my daughter taking over things that should be one of us. Yes I agreed my daughter should have passed the phone over as there are many details to schedules that she has no knowledge of and can sometimes leave out important details but this can't be changed now. I believe in educating her on what she should have done but there is no point in dragging it on & on because it will not change what is in the past. From what my daughter told us is that they will come around Thursday and will email her with the details.

I think this is going to be interesting as this is at the end of my overtime & I will have worked 11 days straight. Well I guess they will get to see me at my best, not. I so pray that God uses this 5 weeks of the show to shine his light bright.

Well I am starting to yon uncontrollably now so I guess this means it is time to go get rest as 8 am comes far to quick.

Friday, February 4, 2011

A Full Week

Well this is the week full of work, full of emotion, full of excitement & confession.

Well the Early Bird RV Show is on. Wednesday we did the set up starting at 7am finishing for the night at 9:30pm, surprisingly the day went by fast with a great bunch of people. Thursday some of us were back at 7am to put the finishing details together before the doors opened at 10am. I only worked a couple of hours and then went home for a few hours as I needed to come back at noon to work until 8pm, for the last couple of hours I was able to walk around with Bucky the Beaver. I watch the excitement & terror of all the little kids & the Joy of the adults that were taking & getting there picture taken with Bucky, even once I was requested to get in the picture, it was great end to a long day. Friday was back to normal hours but at the show & then back to the lot to finish off the day. I have to say my feet are thankful to have the weight taken off of them till Saturday afternoon when I will be back at the show making sure everything stays clean & looking nice. First day off is next Friday and this is when I get to crash, but I don't think I am going to. I am feeling much different this RV show from the ones this last 5 yrs. I feel so at peace, free of stress & exhaustion. God has so showered me in his peace that transcends understanding, that I feel I have no fear left & have the strength to face what ever comes my way because even if it is filled with pain and I may hurt, God will get me through.

I think I have felt every emotion this week as many things have been happening. I have felt the emotional pain of listening to my sister scream in agony not being able to help her. I've felt frustration as I watch my mom suffering pain from her back and the rest of her joints & barely able to walk as she does nothing to help herself.  Frustration as I hear my dad wasn't doing to good today & finding out my aunt my dad's sister disposed of all my dad's stuff & doesn't she realize how that will make him feel knowing he has nothing left. Anger as my mom do to the stress in the house can't muster up an ounce of empathy or compassion & also won't stop giving advice lacking in the above. Feeling of being pulled in two directions with the RV show it has to be the main focus taking care of my physical needs like sleep & rest so I won't burn out & My daughter being in need of 24hr emotional support as she relives the memories in the context that they happened in reality not prescription induced & the death of her friend & another being critically ill and me not having enough left to give her my all.

Well I thought I would save the excitement till last. The show that my daughter had signed us up called Consumed through HGTV has excepted our family for the filming for their show and will possibly start filming next week. My work has stepped forward and will be lending us a Class "C" Adventurer Motor Home so that if my son or mom get overloaded they can use it as a quiet time out zone, as most likely there won't be one in the house.

I have to confess I have spent very little if any time reading the word of God this week. I also found at the end of this week my prayers were not as abundant as they should be, the time has been replaced by work. I do have to say though I have been able to fill the work time with my Ipod Nano full of Praise & worship music & Praise 106.5. I also have to confess my excitement of hearing the majority of the RV radios were set to Praise 106.5 & I didn't do it, they were already there for the last two days.

Here is another song that turned up on my Ipod that I hadn't heard before but really like: The God I Know need to really read the lyrics.

Thursday, February 3, 2011

No Matter What.....

God is so great he has taught me that no matter what this world throws your way if you stay with your Eyes fixed on Jesus you can persevere through anything & he will transform you. God will give you grace, mercy,strength, peace, hope & joy.....all the feelings by world view I shouldn't be feeling right now that he is showering me in right now. Praise be to God!  I'm not saying our eyes won't wonder but when we find they are, fix them back on Jesus and he will get you through.

Blessings through God’s Strength,

Tuesday, February 1, 2011

Ok What Else, I can't believe I just asked that question....

I sit hear just absolutely dumb founded, I am in shock, I really don't know what to say to my baby girl( not that in University she can be called a baby).

Today while I was experiencing the peace & joy return as my load was getting lighter as I placed my burdens at the foot of the cross once again, my daughter was being informed that there was a car accident and one of her friends was killed & the other was fighting for her life and wasn't expected to make it. I honestly don't know what to say as she is faced with more tragedy. She is so numb, with not a tear left to cry.

Please pray for all those involved!

I sit in shock how much can one family endure, obviously allot as long as Christ stays the center, because only by the grace of God are we still standing.

I would have loved to share a song I didn't realize I had on my I Pod until God brought it to me for the first time yesterday. " Get There" by Willie "P-Dub" Moore, wow it almost felt like it was written for me at this moment in time as it explains allot. I am unable to find a link to it to share with you.