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Friday, February 25, 2011

God Testing Me, I think or was he showing me?

Yesterday I think God was testing my forgiveness for those who took us through our nightmare.

My daughter came to me 5 minutes before midnight unable to take the pain in her head anymore, could I take her to the emergency. I know it is bad when she requests to go back to the place that broke her trust, so off we went. While driving towards the hospital the anxiety was building as this would be the first time taking her to emerge since the end of our nightmare a year ago. I knew I didn't have a choice as she has been having a crease growing in depth between where her neck ends & the base of the back of her skull starts that is extremely painful to the touch.

My brain started going through all the possibilities of what would happen when we got there, would I be able to forgive them face to face, would I be able to hold it together without loosing it on them, could I stand up to them if I needed to. What if it was one of the staff we had problems with before. I started praying for God to give me strength to get through this.

We were waiting for the triage nurse and it was taking a while. I had questions go through my head, is this because they are busy or is this because her file was flagged in 2009 and we are  going to be waiting here pointlessly. I finally was getting up to ask before I put myself in an emotional place I didn't want to go by letting my brain focus on all the negative possibilities. While I was waiting to speak with the nurse my daughter was called. Praise God for saving me from myself & the possible conversation that could have gone so wrong.

My daughter was taken straight in & it wasn't long till we saw one of he nurses who wasn't the friendliest in 2009, it would turn out that she would be my daughters nurse last night. God gave me his opportunity as with his grace I was able to explain to her that the prescription my daughter was on at the time was what had caused the over 60 911 calls.  She asked a few questions about it.

We waited a while for the Dr. as it was a busy night for the emerge, not that this wasn't normal. The Dr. finally came & examined her. He told me he would give her something. My heart dropped, I knew what this meant he wanted to give her medication. I had every memory rush back like a bad movie, a movie I didn't want to experience again. I asked the nurse what the meds were before they filled them as this was a question we learned to ask. The nurse told me & my daughter what they were, it would be two meds we hadn't heard of & Tylenol. Fear gripped me, what if one of these meds would trigger the seizures again could this be the beginning of the nightmare all over again. I talked to my daughter and asked if she could survive without them being what could happen, she said the pain was to bad, it was making her nauseas it was so bad and she couldn't stand the light or any noise. The nurse gave her the meds through an IV. I facebooked a request for prayer as I was having a stress attack, my heart was racing a mile a minute, I couldn't stand still as I felt confined, my chest started to feel tight and I could feel a pain in my chest. I knew it was just anxiety & fear that were controlling me, I prayed for God's strength. I told God that I knew I couldn't do this with out him. The nurse kept checking on her after she had administered the meds, I think she was concerned as well. I ended up having a good conversation with the nurse, a conversation that reinforced my need to get a law passed that puts the same restrictions on health care workers that is on commercial drivers that forces a certain amount of logged down time between shifts. I feel if we don't do something soon we want have any health care workers left as the all crumble from burn out.

We were released from the emerge as her pain had subsided & she was sleeping. We would get home around 4am. She would be fine & God brought me through another part of the healing.

I realize now that God has truly given me the gift of forgiveness as he has taken the anger I had & turned it into compassion & a need to fight for the people that I felt wronged by, this can only come through God's Grace & Love.

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