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Saturday, January 21, 2012

Reading Your Own Words and Hearing God's Truth

I found myself rereading my post Imagine and was drawn to read it a couple of times. I read it in the beginning with a grieving heart of a life as I knew it lost.

Friday my work had a shutdown day for our department do to the weather, but I was given the option to make up one of the days I had missed earlier in the week when I was sick. I was waiting on a possible meeting with the Church on Friday and the weather was iffy as we were expecting freezing rain and an advisory was in place. I wasn't 100% better from the stomach bug I had and was still weak, so I decided to stay home from work even though I couldn't afford to.

I felt I needed to take this day as a wellness day and get some of the stack of stuff that was piling up and stressing me out because it only could be done during work hours. I also decided that I really needed to go back to see the counselor after the church phoned her with concern as I was fighting crashing one more time as I was overcome with the weight upon me. We talked about some of the things that were happening all at once and the things I didn't have the ability to do but couldn't be left, like my son's Autism that was regressing and his schooling and everything that needed sorted out that would require my full time attention but I couldn't give with working. 

We started to Pray when the counselor stopped abruptly as she sensed what I knew was happening at least part of it, that there was strong spiritual warfare happening right now over my dad, my brother, my aunt and I.
I knew this was happening with me and I explained to her about the black silhouettes that I had saw on the way to pick up my daughter from her camp reunion and how with out saying anything to my daughter she screamed as she saw them in a much stronger form on the way back. I mentioned it is kind of weird that I was seeing these as before 2009 I didn't believe in all this stuff. I told her that I have even seen them on the cement wall at work as I was coming out of an RV, as the black silhouettes went running along the wall and disappeared. For some reason that my mom might have come up with today I have been given eyes into the world of spiritual warfare.
 My mom said today that God was giving me insight to what is around me as I fight against it to give me the strength and perseverance through knowledge to be able to continue to fight against it. She might just have something there.

We continued praying, renouncing confessing and rejecting those things that were not of God and commanding the demons out of the lives of those around me and their families and friends as well as her and I. She prayed for the structure of our physical house and then found there was one room we could not enter in prayer and that was my mom's room. My mom had to be ready to reject the strongholds in her life we could not do it for her. We can only continue to pray for God to continue to soften her heart as I have been witnessing him doing. We prayed for God's shield of protection through the halls and rooms of our house. The counselor said that our house should become more peaceful and you know what it has.

We finished our session and I continued my day of healing and did something I don't normally do I took myself out to lunch and felt at such peace.

That night, I read the post Imagine one more time and I started hearing something else in the post as I read it.
I heard God say I have leveled the ground and removed all the things that stood in the way of me building the  foundation that I was preparing for your life, a strong foundation. He is now starting to build the frame work for the new foundation and he is carefully putting one peace of the frame in at a time with great care and that I need to be patient as he builds this foundation in my life.

I have to say it is easier to look at the things of this world when our Eyes are focusing on God's Truth's,in his light, then when we fall into the darkness. Remember even in the darkness don't let silence be your bondage to the dark, when you don't have the strength to climb out, cry out. God will send you some one to hear your cries if they are not kept in the quietness of shame and fear.

Father thank you for being everything you are above all things. Thank you for hearing our cries. Thank you for building a strong foundation in our lives, even when we are blind to your good works in our lives. In Jesus Christ Name Amen.

Friday, January 20, 2012

Love, Care, Gifts & Money

I seem to be needing to explain where I am coming from more and more, as I go through the stages of grieving and learn how to express myself and who I am. I in agreement today am told I am at the next stage of grieving, anger, not an emotion I am comfortable with.

I found myself trying to explain why I am uncomfortable with hearing the word care and contributing funds in the same statement. Here was my response:

I have a difficulty hearing the word care and contributing funds in the same statement. I do not equate them as the same, let me explain. I grew up in am atmosphere where contributing gifts and money took the place of signs of ones affections and was considered a sign of love, I haven’t always lived in poverty, this I have fought my whole life. Money and gifts can not comfort the pain one feels in times of trials & suffering, it can’t be there to give words of encouragement, it can’t lift you up when you fall down, it can’t be an ear, and it can’t be a shoulder to cry on, this is what love and care does.

I have to be honest and say I hate money, if I didn’t need it to support my family I would have nothing to do with it. I appreciate the thought and care behind the gift more than the gift itself.

Without the things money and gifts aren't we would not need them.

I hope this explains better what I was trying to explain in a previous post.

Father thank you for being the same yesterday as your are today and will be tomorrow. Thank you for your love and care. Please give me your strength and patience to endure what you have set before me and may it all be to your glory and will. In Jesus Christ Name Amen.

Tuesday, January 10, 2012


I found myself trying to explain why I am feeling the way I'm feeling write now. I find when I try to use my mouth it usually fails me as the two way conversation I find I start con-seeding to and start stepping back and do more listening than explaining and start closing into the security shell I have created that keeps me safe or so I try to make myself believe this.

Everyone has wonderful advice on what I should do and how I should let go of what I am feeling and thinking. I don't know how. I have been trying but I can't escape except by running to the cross every time the burden ways me down, I am totally dependent on God to rescue me.

Imagine you are living life and every thing is going the way you know it to go. You get up like you do everyday, you go to work 5 days a week at the same time everyday, you get the same two days off a week and you do the same thing that you do every weekend. You have things you trust in and belief system that automatically happens in every experience, in every situation and you never question it.

Ok now, you wake up one morning and tragedy strikes, you have no clue what is happening except your life has been turned upside down and your security in knowing everything is in its place is gone. You don't know what your next breath will bring you, never mind the next day or week. You lean on your trust and belief system that has always been there when you need it but it is different this time as all that you trusted in and believed in is no longer there you are on your own in this new reality.  You can't move back but you can't move forward as you only know the old ways of doing things, you are now like a child taking a breathe for the first time. Everything around you is new, your only security is your mother & your father ( my case Heavenly Father) You are going along for a bit and that new belief system you started to create and trust shatters as you come to the reality that the only belief and trust that has been stead fast through it all has been only your Heavenly Father. You try to process the things you think you should be able to lean on and trust but you find yourself numb, not knowing how to respond, you put your feelings out there just waiting to see if they will survive or they will be crushed once again, you are crying out to see if anyone is there, does anyone care and all you here is the echo of your own cries. You keep crying out until you have no more strength to cry anymore....Someone comes but you no longer have the strength to lift your mask off to reveal the broken person that lies beneath and you feel alone in your cares and thoughts that no one can understand but your Father in Heaven, this is my reality.

I have been coming to grips with what the relationship with my mom is, most people don't understand. My father use to abuse my mom and my siblings, not until recently we found out that my dad's mom use to beat him. I get told I should leave, I should break free. I have been having my eyes opened, that like allot cases of abuse the abused become the abuser, to the words my Mom uses and the effect they have as they cut to the core of our being. I here break free. I can't, I need God to give me the strength to confront my Mom every time she uses these emotionally abusive words, so we can break the chain of abuse for good. I know my Mom has a loving soul underneath all of the hurt that has hardened her heart and I am not willing to give up on her yet. I have witnessed God softening parts of her heart as she starts to for the first time speak about the abuse she endured as my dad use to rape her and keep her a prisoner. I need to give her the love and grace that God has given me, as he puts the broken girl back together again. The enemy has lost the battle and I plan in declaring this in my mothers name until she is set free. God can take the impossible and make it possible.

Father I thank you for all that you have done in my life. You are the almighty, the Holy of Holy. I ask for your continued teachings as you create a new life in me, give me wisdom and strength to do what you ask of me. Make me thirst an unquenchable thirst for your word and your will. In Jesus Christ Name Amen.

Verse God Brought me to tonight, while I was at a pastorate I went to tonight.

The LORD’s Plan

  “In that day,” declares the LORD,
   “I will gather the lame; 
   I will assemble the exiles 
   and those I have brought to grief. 
 I will make the lame my remnant, 
   those driven away a strong nation. 
The LORD will rule over them in Mount Zion 
   from that day and forever. 
 As for you, watchtower of the flock, 
   stronghold of Daughter Zion, 
the former dominion will be restored to you; 
   kingship will come to Daughter Jerusalem.”

  Why do you now cry aloud— 
   have you no king? 
Has your ruler perished, 
   that pain seizes you like that of a woman in labor? 
 Writhe in agony, Daughter Zion, 
   like a woman in labor, 
for now you must leave the city 
   to camp in the open field. 
You will go to Babylon; 
   there you will be rescued. 
There the LORD will redeem you 
   out of the hand of your enemies.

  But now many nations 
   are gathered against you. 
They say, “Let her be defiled, 
   let our eyes gloat over Zion!” 
 But they do not know 
   the thoughts of the LORD; 
they do not understand his plan, 
   that he has gathered them like sheaves to the threshing floor. 
 “Rise and thresh, Daughter Zion, 
   for I will give you horns of iron; 
I will give you hooves of bronze, 
   and you will break to pieces many nations.” 
You will devote their ill-gotten gains to the LORD, 
   their wealth to the Lord of all the earth.

Micah 4:6-13

Sunday, January 8, 2012

Trying to Write of the effects of Unforgiveness But...

I have been trying to share with you the effects of unforgiveness has had on my life, but I realize I am not completely free of it yet as it reminds me the dependency on God I so need to keep me free of it.

When things started settling from what my daughter and family went through the pain and anger of unforgiveness crept in and would soon rule in my life shrouding me in confusion and taking my focus away from Jesus and what he had for me. Some people would say that it is an emotional state, I'm here to tell you it can start that way but if not dealt with it can start effecting your physical self through sickness. My body started to shut down from the weight it had put on my life, if you have been reading my blog you have read what unforgiveness can do as all my physical ailments that even the Doctor couldn't find the cause to was my body collapsing under that weight that comes from not forgiving those who have pained you. I was even to the point I was loosing my eye sight. Forgiveness is something we all need to find, forgiveness is the only key to setting you free from what you have experienced.

Someone explained to me once that many don't forgive for fear they are saying what they have done to them was ok, but it can be far from the truth because do you need to forgive someone if they have done no wrong. Well when you look at it that way it makes better sense.

  Mathew 6:13-15

What was happening to me I think is that I was feeling the wait of my own sin that God could not forgive me of, because I was not able to forgive.

I had prayed for someone for healing of the mind at church a bit back and that night God had showered me with his mercy and grace and lifted the weight I was under from my unforgiveness and I was feeling free for the first time in a long time. I needed to depend on God for strength to overcome what I was to weak to be able to do myself. God though wasn't letting me off the hook that easy, I still have much to learn.

I, this last week, had been attending the prayer week at our Church. I was excited because at the end of the week we would be hopping on a bus to pray around our city and one of the stops would be the hospital. I had gone on one of the bus rides once before, not long after the trauma we experienced and we had stopped at the hospital and I was overcome with a panic attack that took all my strength not to bolt of the bus and run.
I was excited for this bus ride because I felt I was ready to pray for those who hurt us.

The night before the bus trip, I was watching the news about the over crowding at our local hospital, the same one we experienced the trauma with, and an elderly woman was parked in the hallway in a bed with seizures that they had no idea what was causing them. I felt like someone had just open the flood gate to my pain and anger as the unforgiveness came flooding back and I new it was wrong but couldn't stop it as the rage started to grow inside me. I needed justice so this kaos that was happening could stop, so no one else had to suffer. I was being consumed by my pain and anger. I didn't know how I could ever possibly have the strength to get on that bus and pray for these people that hurt us so much.

Friday came along and thank fully, I had the day off in place of not taking the Monday off for New Years and there was no way I was in any shape to go to work, as the anger continued to grow. I wasn't the most pleasant person to be around that day and it didn't help that I had to drive my Dad to that hospital for tests, this fueled it even more. I had no idea how I could go to the prayer meeting in the state my heart was in.

I forced myself to go any ways as it was also the night the Elders would be there to pray for healing and boy did I need that. I arrived to the prayer meeting with the feeling of this very large cold hard steel blanket on top of me weighing me down. I walked in with the intentions of walking to the far corner away from being seen by anyone I knew as I was ashamed of what I was feeling, because I knew it was wrong. The room was set up of four sections of chairs all facing the center of the room where a large cross sat that was taller than me. I walked through two of the sections to cut across to the other side when a friend's voice came from behind me. She was sitting on the chair on the front corner of the section and asked if I was going to join her,if I wasn't board of her company. I was caught I couldn't hide I was now sitting in the front of the row right where everyone enters. We started by singing songs of praise and worship and I was to weak to even raise my hands, a sharp contrast from the rest of the week where they were raised high as I was filled with great Joy, not that night. My hands were heavy and I was weak, I could do nothing but try to sing through the shame, pain and the tears.

When the music stopped we prayed for the Pastors and Elders of the Church that were in attendance, I found it difficult to pray with a heavy heart but I pushed through and prayed for protection over them and their families. After that we were broken into groups to pray together and around the room there were stations with different areas of life and community too pray for. I knew my heart was not prepared for my Father in Heaven to come before him in prayer for the needs we were praying for. I knew I needed to ask for prayer first. I walked towards where the Elders and Pastor's were sitting and I felt drawn to a lady sitting in a chair, I recognized her from somewhere but I couldn't quite put my finger on it until I sat in front of her and I felt compelled to ask her if she was the lady that went out to a red mini van in the back forty of the parking lot in 2009. She was that lady that lady that encouraged me to pray out loud for my daughter, to pray out loud for the first time in my life.

I explain to her what had happened and how  I was feeling and she said we needed to pray forgiveness over each person or area that God brought to my mind and that I needed to pray it out loud. She prayed for me and with me. I couldn't hold back the tears.

Ephesians 6:17-19

I thanked her and started to walk back to the group I was with and by the time I had reached them God had replaced that cold hard blanket with a light, pure white blanket as he covered me with his mercy and grace. God reminded me is is only through my dependency on him can I walk through this. I will stumble but I need to purposely come back to him time and time again, so he may continue to renew me. With out God I would not survive these times.

Unforgiveness is like a bad weed, if not dealt with it will choke everything else out.

Father God I Pray to you tonight in praise! You are the almighty, holy of hollies. You are my rock in which I shall stand on. May your kingdom come, your will be done, as on earth as it is in heaven. Give us this day our daily bread. Father forgive us our debts as we forgive those in our debt. Lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from the evil one. Through Jesus Christ, with the Holly Spirit, to our heavenly Father Amen.

Mathew 6:5-15