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Tuesday, January 10, 2012


I found myself trying to explain why I am feeling the way I'm feeling write now. I find when I try to use my mouth it usually fails me as the two way conversation I find I start con-seeding to and start stepping back and do more listening than explaining and start closing into the security shell I have created that keeps me safe or so I try to make myself believe this.

Everyone has wonderful advice on what I should do and how I should let go of what I am feeling and thinking. I don't know how. I have been trying but I can't escape except by running to the cross every time the burden ways me down, I am totally dependent on God to rescue me.

Imagine you are living life and every thing is going the way you know it to go. You get up like you do everyday, you go to work 5 days a week at the same time everyday, you get the same two days off a week and you do the same thing that you do every weekend. You have things you trust in and belief system that automatically happens in every experience, in every situation and you never question it.

Ok now, you wake up one morning and tragedy strikes, you have no clue what is happening except your life has been turned upside down and your security in knowing everything is in its place is gone. You don't know what your next breath will bring you, never mind the next day or week. You lean on your trust and belief system that has always been there when you need it but it is different this time as all that you trusted in and believed in is no longer there you are on your own in this new reality.  You can't move back but you can't move forward as you only know the old ways of doing things, you are now like a child taking a breathe for the first time. Everything around you is new, your only security is your mother & your father ( my case Heavenly Father) You are going along for a bit and that new belief system you started to create and trust shatters as you come to the reality that the only belief and trust that has been stead fast through it all has been only your Heavenly Father. You try to process the things you think you should be able to lean on and trust but you find yourself numb, not knowing how to respond, you put your feelings out there just waiting to see if they will survive or they will be crushed once again, you are crying out to see if anyone is there, does anyone care and all you here is the echo of your own cries. You keep crying out until you have no more strength to cry anymore....Someone comes but you no longer have the strength to lift your mask off to reveal the broken person that lies beneath and you feel alone in your cares and thoughts that no one can understand but your Father in Heaven, this is my reality.

I have been coming to grips with what the relationship with my mom is, most people don't understand. My father use to abuse my mom and my siblings, not until recently we found out that my dad's mom use to beat him. I get told I should leave, I should break free. I have been having my eyes opened, that like allot cases of abuse the abused become the abuser, to the words my Mom uses and the effect they have as they cut to the core of our being. I here break free. I can't, I need God to give me the strength to confront my Mom every time she uses these emotionally abusive words, so we can break the chain of abuse for good. I know my Mom has a loving soul underneath all of the hurt that has hardened her heart and I am not willing to give up on her yet. I have witnessed God softening parts of her heart as she starts to for the first time speak about the abuse she endured as my dad use to rape her and keep her a prisoner. I need to give her the love and grace that God has given me, as he puts the broken girl back together again. The enemy has lost the battle and I plan in declaring this in my mothers name until she is set free. God can take the impossible and make it possible.

Father I thank you for all that you have done in my life. You are the almighty, the Holy of Holy. I ask for your continued teachings as you create a new life in me, give me wisdom and strength to do what you ask of me. Make me thirst an unquenchable thirst for your word and your will. In Jesus Christ Name Amen.

Verse God Brought me to tonight, while I was at a pastorate I went to tonight.

The LORD’s Plan

  “In that day,” declares the LORD,
   “I will gather the lame; 
   I will assemble the exiles 
   and those I have brought to grief. 
 I will make the lame my remnant, 
   those driven away a strong nation. 
The LORD will rule over them in Mount Zion 
   from that day and forever. 
 As for you, watchtower of the flock, 
   stronghold of Daughter Zion, 
the former dominion will be restored to you; 
   kingship will come to Daughter Jerusalem.”

  Why do you now cry aloud— 
   have you no king? 
Has your ruler perished, 
   that pain seizes you like that of a woman in labor? 
 Writhe in agony, Daughter Zion, 
   like a woman in labor, 
for now you must leave the city 
   to camp in the open field. 
You will go to Babylon; 
   there you will be rescued. 
There the LORD will redeem you 
   out of the hand of your enemies.

  But now many nations 
   are gathered against you. 
They say, “Let her be defiled, 
   let our eyes gloat over Zion!” 
 But they do not know 
   the thoughts of the LORD; 
they do not understand his plan, 
   that he has gathered them like sheaves to the threshing floor. 
 “Rise and thresh, Daughter Zion, 
   for I will give you horns of iron; 
I will give you hooves of bronze, 
   and you will break to pieces many nations.” 
You will devote their ill-gotten gains to the LORD, 
   their wealth to the Lord of all the earth.

Micah 4:6-13

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