I have been trying to share with you the effects of unforgiveness has had on my life, but I realize I am not completely free of it yet as it reminds me the dependency on God I so need to keep me free of it.
When things started settling from what my daughter and family went through the pain and anger of unforgiveness crept in and would soon rule in my life shrouding me in confusion and taking my focus away from Jesus and what he had for me. Some people would say that it is an emotional state, I'm here to tell you it can start that way but if not dealt with it can start effecting your physical self through sickness. My body started to shut down from the weight it had put on my life, if you have been reading my blog you have read what unforgiveness can do as all my physical ailments that even the Doctor couldn't find the cause to was my body collapsing under that weight that comes from not forgiving those who have pained you. I was even to the point I was loosing my eye sight. Forgiveness is something we all need to find, forgiveness is the only key to setting you free from what you have experienced.
Someone explained to me once that many don't forgive for fear they are saying what they have done to them was ok, but it can be far from the truth because do you need to forgive someone if they have done no wrong. Well when you look at it that way it makes better sense.
What was happening to me I think is that I was feeling the wait of my own sin that God could not forgive me of, because I was not able to forgive.
I had prayed for someone for healing of the mind at church a bit back and that night God had showered me with his mercy and grace and lifted the weight I was under from my unforgiveness and I was feeling free for the first time in a long time. I needed to depend on God for strength to overcome what I was to weak to be able to do myself. God though wasn't letting me off the hook that easy, I still have much to learn.
I, this last week, had been attending the prayer week at our Church. I was excited because at the end of the week we would be hopping on a bus to pray around our city and one of the stops would be the hospital. I had gone on one of the bus rides once before, not long after the trauma we experienced and we had stopped at the hospital and I was overcome with a panic attack that took all my strength not to bolt of the bus and run.
I was excited for this bus ride because I felt I was ready to pray for those who hurt us.
The night before the bus trip, I was watching the news about the over crowding at our local hospital, the same one we experienced the trauma with, and an elderly woman was parked in the hallway in a bed with seizures that they had no idea what was causing them. I felt like someone had just open the flood gate to my pain and anger as the unforgiveness came flooding back and I new it was wrong but couldn't stop it as the rage started to grow inside me. I needed justice so this kaos that was happening could stop, so no one else had to suffer. I was being consumed by my pain and anger. I didn't know how I could ever possibly have the strength to get on that bus and pray for these people that hurt us so much.
Friday came along and thank fully, I had the day off in place of not taking the Monday off for New Years and there was no way I was in any shape to go to work, as the anger continued to grow. I wasn't the most pleasant person to be around that day and it didn't help that I had to drive my Dad to that hospital for tests, this fueled it even more. I had no idea how I could go to the prayer meeting in the state my heart was in.
I forced myself to go any ways as it was also the night the Elders would be there to pray for healing and boy did I need that. I arrived to the prayer meeting with the feeling of this very large cold hard steel blanket on top of me weighing me down. I walked in with the intentions of walking to the far corner away from being seen by anyone I knew as I was ashamed of what I was feeling, because I knew it was wrong. The room was set up of four sections of chairs all facing the center of the room where a large cross sat that was taller than me. I walked through two of the sections to cut across to the other side when a friend's voice came from behind me. She was sitting on the chair on the front corner of the section and asked if I was going to join her,if I wasn't board of her company. I was caught I couldn't hide I was now sitting in the front of the row right where everyone enters. We started by singing songs of praise and worship and I was to weak to even raise my hands, a sharp contrast from the rest of the week where they were raised high as I was filled with great Joy, not that night. My hands were heavy and I was weak, I could do nothing but try to sing through the shame, pain and the tears.
When the music stopped we prayed for the Pastors and Elders of the Church that were in attendance, I found it difficult to pray with a heavy heart but I pushed through and prayed for protection over them and their families. After that we were broken into groups to pray together and around the room there were stations with different areas of life and community too pray for. I knew my heart was not prepared for my Father in Heaven to come before him in prayer for the needs we were praying for. I knew I needed to ask for prayer first. I walked towards where the Elders and Pastor's were sitting and I felt drawn to a lady sitting in a chair, I recognized her from somewhere but I couldn't quite put my finger on it until I sat in front of her and I felt compelled to ask her if she was the lady that went out to a red mini van in the back forty of the parking lot in 2009. She was that lady that lady that encouraged me to pray out loud for my daughter, to pray out loud for the first time in my life.
I explain to her what had happened and how I was feeling and she said we needed to pray forgiveness over each person or area that God brought to my mind and that I needed to pray it out loud. She prayed for me and with me. I couldn't hold back the tears.
I thanked her and started to walk back to the group I was with and by the time I had reached them God had replaced that cold hard blanket with a light, pure white blanket as he covered me with his mercy and grace. God reminded me is is only through my dependency on him can I walk through this. I will stumble but I need to purposely come back to him time and time again, so he may continue to renew me. With out God I would not survive these times.
Unforgiveness is like a bad weed, if not dealt with it will choke everything else out.
Father God I Pray to you tonight in praise! You are the almighty, holy of hollies. You are my rock in which I shall stand on. May your kingdom come, your will be done, as on earth as it is in heaven. Give us this day our daily bread. Father forgive us our debts as we forgive those in our debt. Lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from the evil one. Through Jesus Christ, with the Holly Spirit, to our heavenly Father Amen.
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