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Sunday, December 23, 2012

Christmas and Bethlehem

It has been a while, as I find myself very busy trying to find our home under boxes. I forgot what was involved in moving and down sizing.

My mind this last week keeps on returning to Mary and Joseph as they reach Bethlehem and approach the Inn Keeper and I have to ask myself what would I do in the place of the Inn keeper or better yet when it comes to letting Jesus into my life do I let Him in or do I treat him like the Inn Keeper and place him in the stable where animals are kept until there is a need for them. I ask do we only go to Him when we are in need or do we allow Him into our lives as a welcomed guest?

The Story of Christmas Luke 1:26-2:21

Jesus has done so much in my life and it all started when I took a leap of faith not knowing where it would take me, by saying a prayer asking Jesus to come into my life and my heart, asking him to forgive the sinner I am and acknowledging that he was born of a virgin, to live a perfect life, to be crucified on a cross to die for my sins and rose again three days later holding the keys to death and Hades. I never knew what it would do to my life if anything with that prayer, but I can say I never regret praying it and the love Jesus has shown me since as he walks with me through everything I face, I would never give up. I encourage you to get to know Jesus and if you feel him knocking on the door to your heart and you have not yet opened the door through a prayer I encourage you to do so, the words you use are not as important as the heart that it is said with, as God knows your heart.

If you still aren't sure or would like a written prayer to say follow this link: Knowing God Personally 

I would like to take this time to wish you a Very Merry Christmas and may God touch you with the real reason for the season!!

Update Dec 23,2012 for Guatemala Missions Trip :  I am so excited as I watch God put the peaces together for me to go to Guatemala!! I have to thank all of you that have helped through your prayers and financial contributions. I have my passport now and $1,125.00 of the $1,800. has been raised already!! I appreciate your continued prayer over the team and I for God to continue to prepare the way and our hearts. Thank you!!

Letter for Guatemala Missions Trip

Wednesday, November 14, 2012



                Hello!! The Season of Fall is always a beautiful time of year, as the colours of changing leaves create picture perfect views and the air is crisp. Something is changing in my life as well and is just around the corner and it is SO exciting. I’ll bring you up to speed on the happenings in my life over the past year and then I will tell you about this opportunity before me.

I’m currently working at Fraserway Rv, as a detailer, in Abbotsford, BC. I have been utilizing my camera; my mom gave me, as I have fallen in love with photography, a gift I was given through the storm, to focus on the beauty that surrounds me through all the seasons of life. I continue to live with my son Anthony and Mother Mary. My Daughter Teresa has moved to Calgary. I am attending Northview Community Church. It has been a fruitful year as I have been blessed to share what God has been doing in my life, through his mercy and grace. We all have incredible opportunities to influence others for the Lord and I pray that God uses me in the lives of those in my path.

I belong to a Pastorate Group through Northview that has a global mission emphasis and has been with an organization called Global Shore Opportunities. Mission statement is to raise up disciples in Canada and Guatemala.

Global Shore is a non-profit mission organization that works in Guatemala. Throughout the year, they offer short term missions trips, giving opportunity to Canadians to partner with their initiatives down south. It has been on my heart for several months now to be involved in international missions and I believe the Lord has led me to go on this trip.

I’ll be joining with others in my pastorate and we will be heading down to Guatemala from Feb. 23/13 to March 8/13. Global Shore is active in a small community called Tizate, just outside of Antigua. There they run a Christian school staffed by the local people and they are also involved in on-going construction, children’s ministry and outreach.

In Tizate, our team will be staying in the ministry facility which was recently renovated from the old school to create a safe environment for visiting mission teams. We will also be involved in daily Spanish classes to help build communication with the locals as quickly as possible. The mission is also heavily involved with the local Spanish church called El Calvario and we anticipate tremendous growth and opportunities to encourage and partner in ministry with our Guatemalan brothers and sisters in Christ.

For the trip I will need to raise $1 800.00 ($900.00 by Dec. 15th and the rest by Jan 10th). This Amount not only covers all associated costs for the team to be there, but also leaves several hundred dollars left over to bless the organization and to help with their ongoing need for funding.

I am so thrilled at this opportunity that the Lord has opened up for me. I am excited to grow in the Lord and serve in Guatemala. If you are at all interested in supporting me in this way, I’d be so thankful! (Please find attached to this letter a donor information page if you wish to make a donation, so that you can receive a tax receipt.)

Prayer is also such a tremendous tool and I would covet your prayers for the team and for myself as we desire to be used by the Lord in this time.

Donor Information Page :( Please Put "Nichola- Anne Bennett-Criss" where it says "Note", so they know where to direct the funds. Thank you!)


Please also take a look at the Sponsorship Program that Global Shore has for their students http://www.globalshore.org/home/sponsorships-2/

Thank you for being a part of the Journey God is taking me on,
Nicki B

Sunday, November 4, 2012

The Move, But We Weren't The Only Ones Moving

Well I finally have my computer back after the movers put it on the truck before I could grab the bin and move it myself. We moved to our new place on Thursday, Oct. 25.

I took the week of the move off so that we could get everything ready for the movers coming. I found though this time was not going to have room for much packing as I found myself learning what a Yo-yo felt like as I was being sent in several directions and none of which were being at home. I never realized before all the details that have to be taken care of with the sale of a home, this is the first time I was included fully in this process, between signing papers, lawyers and all the other small details like remembering to change your address every where. I had my dear friend tell me to ask my Pastorate if they could help me with the clean up of our old place after everything was moved out as it was ok to ask for help and I didn't need to do this alone, so I fired off an email. I think God is teaching me humility.

Amongst the move I also had to apply for my passport as it was under a time limit for needing the info for a missions trip that I will be attending to Guatemala at the end of February, beginning of March. I found myself going with a dear lady I am getting to know from my Pastorate the Tuesday before we moved. I went to pay for my passport, as I had stashed away some money from my check, but this wonderful lady said she would pay for it and I should keep the money I had saved. I was so blessed by her kindness and generosity.

I had told the dear lady that I most likely would not be attending the Pastorate as I still had so much to do. We talked about the plan for clean up of the house and she said she would discuss it with the Pastorate and arrange everything, what a blessing and a weight of my shoulders.

I soon would come to the realization that we weren't able to meet the deadline of packing and my mom finally agreed to allowing the help to come that she had been turning away. I found though now that she was allowing me to get help it wasn't that easy. I don't have a problem to accept help when offered, but asking for help still doesn't come easy, as I didn't know how to ask. I have always been raised that asking for help is a sign of weakness. I now know it is an act of great strength and courage, as anyone can go it alone but it takes a strong courageous person to ask for help when they need it. I was finding that I wasn't that strong. I cowardly dropped a hint on Facebook that my mom was opening the door to having help come in and that I now didn't know how to ask, another dear lady I am getting to know from my Pastorate replied and said she would put the word out.

Night came, and the dear lady came with her husband, they asked me where they could help and my mind drew a blank.  I think this is the main reason I don't ask for help because of the fear of this question as I have no experience and no idea what to say. I knew we needed help but knowing how to receive it and direct it was quite foreign to me. Mom had said she needed no help upstairs so I directed them to the downstairs and showed them what was left to do. We would soon find out we didn't have enough boxes and it was to late to get anymore. My dear friend and her husband would show up and they knew the couple from my Pastorate, making it easier.

We ended up getting a storage unit earlier in the day as we knew the sorting stage of the move was over and needed to get packing and have it done ASAP, so the husbands loaded up their vehicles and our Grand Caravan with the seats out. We headed to the storage unit with it all as the girls continued to pack with my mom, then we all called it a night.

Moving day came and the movers arrived and we were not finished packing as we ran out of boxes. We also started with a big pile of boxes and stuff I would take in the van and the movers were suppose to leave, but communication had failed somewhere and one of the movers without us noticing started to move those boxes and mom finally gave up and said they could move it all. I was thankful as the night before I had dislocated my shoulder lifting myself up onto the kitchen counter and was in massive pain.

I had to leave before the movers were done, as I had to drop the two dogs off at the groomers as my mom figured that was the best way to deal with them through the move. I also needed to meet with the Realtor to pick up the keys for the new place, at the new place.. When I was finished with the Realtor I received a call from my mom saying the movers were just leaving and that they had left one room for me to move, a room that had been switched from me to the movers and now back to me. I have to say I was disappointed as I still was hurting but  I knew it would only be one load for the mini van.

The movers unloaded the truck into the condo leaving us with boxes and bins stacked to the ceiling leaving us with a three foot path to walk, as it was a parent that we would be living in a storage unit until we could get unpacked.

I headed back to the old place to meet up with the Pastorate members that were kind enough to volunteer their time to help clean up the old place. As I arrived, My cell phone rang it was the wonderful lady who had helped me with my passport and she had also helped me get more boxes. She asked me if I had cleaning supplies or if she would need to bring some and did I have a vacuum left behind. I asked if I could call her back as I had not had a chance to go into the house to see what I was left.

I unlocked the house and walked in and I could have never seen what was coming as I came to the quick realization that the movers had not taken everything and I only had to noon the following day to have it all out and I had no clue how I could ever do this by myself. I had never felt so alone, abandoned and overwhelmed as I did in that moment, as I faced the impossible.

Fighting back the tears I phoned the lady back and told her that I had the cleaning stuff but I didn't know how we would be able to clean and explained to her what I had just walked into. I was devastated, hurt and now angry that I could be thought so little of by the ones who were suppose to love me, how could they. I phoned up my friend to vent as I knew if I didn't I was heading down a emotional slippery slope of self pity.

The lady showed up and I was still crying inside and it was flowing outwardly even though I was trying to hold it in. She hugged me and told me it was going to be alright and gave me the assurance that I was not alone. I asked if it would be ok when we went on the Guatemala trip if I just stayed. Unfortunately she said that was why we had visas so we would come back. I was just kidding even though it wasn't a bad idea at that moment in time.

Before I knew it, the street in front of our old place was covered in vehicles on both sides and I was surrounded by the love of my sisters and brothers in Christ. One even brought a van and a trailer. I was being asked in every direction for guidance and I couldn't give it I was so overwhelmed by it all that I just couldn't hold a simple thought anymore.

All of a sudden, My brother and his three girls appeared. I told my brother what had happened and how all these people were from my church. My brother was moved by the support our family was given. He couldn't stop talking about it, as we had experiences with churches in the past that were quite hypocritical, they would preach one thing but their actions spoke much louder in the other direction. As my brother put it they didn't practice what they preached, this is why my family had walked away from our faith many years ago. I was now listening to an answer to prayer as my brother said because of what he was witnessing, a church that actually practiced what they preached he would bring his daughters to our church. What an answer to prayer!!

I can remember not to long ago after my Nana past away my brother telling me I spent to much time at this church and was telling me all the things wrong about it. I almost fell when I heard him speak now and it was almost like all that I was facing now really didn't matter, because what was most important was hearing my brother say " He would bring the girls to church..."

My brother couldn't stop talking about what my sisters and brothers in Christ had done and he shared it with my mom and told her he was wanting to bring the girls to my church. I stepped out after he was gone and asked my mom," If my brother and the girls were going to come to church did this mean she would?" I have to say I was stunned by her response because she had been so hurt by the church of the past when we lived in Maple Ridge as when my Dad got sick the church walked away when she needed their help the most and she had always been there if someone needed help, this was a deep wound that caused a deep scar in her heart, but now! She said, " She was already considering it..."

I now knew that God had orchestrated every piece of the circumstances of our move to move a mountain in the lives of my family, to show them the love he has for them. My friend had said "isn't it interesting that it was the church that drove my family away and God used the church to bring them back..."

There are no words to describe the impact that all those who came out to help, my family and I, had made . I am so grateful for all of them, God truly blessed me when he brought them all into my life.

When I walked into the old place and saw the mountain that I was facing. I felt so abandoned, hurt  and alone, I cried out one more time to my Savior and he answered with all of them, as they became his hands and his feet and shown his light so bright in my families and my lives. I had never experienced such love and compassion as I did that night, but I was not the only one as they also impacted my brother  and his girls lives as well and this had a ripple effect as my mom now thinks about coming to church.

I saw a mountain that night and God moved it farther than I could ever of imagined through the generosity, kindness and the compassion they all showed through this. I know what was faced none of them had signed up for but through their servant hearts God moved several mountains that day and I will never be able to Thank God and them enough!!

If you want to have a relationship with God, like I do please follow this link You Can Know God Now it will help you start. I pray you are listening to that knock on your heart from the one who loves you far beyond your understanding!

Father you are greater than anyone can describe, you have a purpose for everything and everyone far beyond our understanding. Your love for us was so great you gave your only son's life to save us from our sin a love far beyond our understanding. Father please soften the hearts of all those who read this to know you better and if they don't have a relationship with you to hear you knocking at the door to their hearts, so they may start one. I also ask if they are not in that place yet to except what you have done for them give them an unquenchable thirst to investigate what you are all about so they can find you. I so thank you for all that you have done in my families and my life and what you are continuing to do. In Jesus Precious Name Amen.

Saturday, October 20, 2012

Team Ministry Spiritual Gifts Analysis

I just took the Test(Ok its not a test but a opportunity for awareness) and I have to say God has brought me far from where I began, once a Sunday Christian to I have been Redeemed and set free!! Team Ministry Spiritual Gifts Analysis: The Team Ministry Spiritual Gifts Inventory is a discovery tool that provides you with a personalized analysis. Not a test, but a simple questionnaire giving you a profile of your God given spiritual gifts.

10/2012 Spintual GiftsAnaIys
Spiritual Gifts Analysis Results for:
Nicki Bennett

Spiritual Gifts Strength

Evangelism             18
Prophecy               15
Teaching                12
Exhortation            16
Pastor/Shepard      19
Showing Mercy     19
Serving                  20
Giving                    14
Administration       20

About Your Spiritual Gifts
Spiritual gifts are tools God gives Christians to do the work of the ministry-- to fulfill the Great
Commission to reach, baptize, and teach and to minister to one another. Every Christian
receives at least one gift at the moment of salvation. Spiritual gifts are not rewards, are not
natural talents, are not a place of service, are not an age-group ministry, and are not a specialty
ministry. They express themselves through various ministries which, in turn, accomplish a
variety of results. A spiritual gift is the primary channel by which the Holy Spirit ministers
through the believer. It is a supernatural capacity for service to God — and He gives you a
supernatural desire to perform the duties of that gift. Spiritual gifts are tools for building the
church. They are a source of joy in your Christian life and influence your motives. A spiritual gift
is a divine calling with a divine responsibility, because what God has gifted you to do, He has
called you to do, and what He has called you to do, He has gifted you to do.
Three categories of spiritual gifts exist. CATEGORY ONE: The Miraculous Gifts, generally
known today as Charismatic Gifts (apostles, tongues, interpretation of tongues, healing, and

develop (faith, discernment, wisdom, and knowledge — qualities possessed rather than
activities performed). Many scholars combine these gifts with others, based on the similarity of
these gift characteristics and the synonyms used by Paul to describe them in Scripture. For
example, some scholars combine Discernment with Prophecy, Knowledge with Teaching,
Wisdom with Exhortation, and Hospitality with Serving. CATEGORY THREE: the Team Gifts,
which are service-, ministry-, task-oriented or are activities performed such as teaching. The
Team Gifts are functional and involve speaking or ministering. Chances are, you have several
of these gifts that vary in degrees and intensity. In many cases, spiritual gifts may complement
your secular employment. The Spiritual Gifts Analysis you took identified your dominant TEAM
GIFTS, which will help find your place on God's team in your church. Prayer and serving God
will also help you see where God wants you to serve in ministry in your church and daily life.
This profile gives you a simple bar graph showing your strengths (higher scores, longer bars)
and weaknesses (lower scores, shorter bars) as related to spiritual gifts, and analyzes in-depth
your dominant and secondary team gifts which are the ones that will have greater influence in
your life. These are the areas where you are gifted to be most effective and efficient and in
which you will find it easiest to excel.
Your dominant gifts are Administration, Serving
The results of your Spiritual Gifts Inventory indicate that
your number one dominant gift is ADMINISTRATION’ The
Greek word “kubernesis” means one who steers a ship.
This expert had the responsibility to bring a ship into the
harbor through the rocks and shoals, under all types of
pressures. As an administrator you have the Spirit-given
capacity and desire to serve God by organizing,
administering, promoting, and leading the various affairs
of the church. The administrator is not a glorified file clerk.
As an administrator you are a take-charge person who
jumps in and starts giving orders when no one is in
charge. You will put a plan on paper and start delegating
responsibility. You may lean toward organizing things,
events or programs, OR toward organizing people,
emphasizing personal relationships and leadership
responsibilities. In the first case, you usually organize
details and have people carry them out. In the second
case, you tend to organize people and rely on others to
take care of the little things.
You don’t often admit to mistakes and do not like to take
time to explain why you are doing things; you just expect the job to get done. If things in the
church, office, club, etc. become fragmented, you can harmonize the whole program if given a
chance. You are a person with a dream and are not afraid to attempt the impossible. You are
goal-oriented, well-disciplined, and work best under heavy pressure. You are often a good
motivator and not a procrastinator. You are serious minded, highly motivated, intense, and
have an accurate self-image. You tend to be more interested in the welfare of the group than
your own desire. You are probably a perfectionist.

Well back to packing only 5 days to go!

Saturday, October 13, 2012

Excited, New beginings

Psalm 32

God is the great deliverer and provider, not a day goes by that I am not in awe of what he has been doing in my life as we walk forward together. He continues to poor out his grace over me as I stumble, he continues to teach me and show me things I would never have known if it wasn't for him.

God is bringing me to a new season in my life as our house was sold, delivering us from living in the house where most of the trauma we experienced was. He is also freeing up me as the house will no longer consume me with all the memories, the debt and the work it takes to keep it maintained, as we move into a condo.

I am excited to not have to wonder if I will have enough money for gas to get to work till the next payday and I have been told once we get moved I will get teeth. Teeth that I have not had for over a year. I will be able to eat apples again and even corn on the cob. I will be able to sit down and enjoy a meal with out worrying that I am going to not be able to eat it or that I might choke on it. Thank you God for being my deliver and provider.

I also look forward to being able to save up so I can go see my daughter that I haven't seen for months, as she moved out of province, because I couldn't afford to drive out to see her.

I am also excited to be able to spend more time with God as my life is not overwhelmed and keeping me from him.

God has already brought me to a place that if I can get the support by votes,  that my dream of a iblong Community Centre, Therapy Life Skills Centre will become a reality as this would help fund it. I know though that it is in God's hands, and those are hands I trust with my life.
 I know that if this is what he wants for me or the walk across Canada, he will open the door that no man can shut.

We have less than three weeks to pack a house that has been in the making for 10 yrs. and definitely needs some down sizing as it won't all fit in the condo. I leave it in God's hands as come Oct 25 it will happen no matter what.

Psalm 40

I don't know if I will be able to post again before we move, so I Pray that God touches your life in a special way, so you know beyond a shadow of a doubt that if God is for you who can be against you. Please pray for my family as we travel towards our new beginning. Thank you!

Saturday, October 6, 2012

Journey of the House

Where to start? Well if you have been reading along with my over the last while you know what a burden our home had become since we went through 2009. We had to take on a second mortgage during that time just to survive, then refinance it again when I was fired from my job, before we found out I was suffering from PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder) from what we went through making our payments at the end $750. every two weeks falling on the day after each of my paydays and with my take home pay pay only being $843. not leaving us much as my gas to get to work for those two weeks to the next check was approx. $100. leaving us always short.

I know the only reason why we have made it to this point has been by the grace of God as by Miracle we always made it, not doing without our needs.

My last post about the house on here was when we had a very weird experience with a building inspector, as our house was sols with only the subject to an inspection. The inspector they hired was gauging our house to today's building codes and for a 30 yr old home that doesn't work in translation and we lost the sale. Our Realtor, Maureen Holtsbaum was as shocked as we were and hired an inspector herself and was told there was nothing wrong with our home, it was built to code for it's day.

Well the battle was on as we slowly came to the realization that there was something at work here beyond the normal. We had several viewings booked for a day after that the same day a house around the corner from us would decide to put up humungus pieces of card board that would state that three days prior they had been robbed, the signs were up for more than a week. We would have several viewings and everyone would love the house,showed well but nobody would buy it. I knew that we were facing spiritual warfare as nobody could understand the weird things happening. I started praying against the spiritual warfare and reached out continually to all for prayer. On Sept 22 a dear friend from my Pastorate posted under one of my status updates on FB that she would be praying for answers, that same day our Realtor gave us the news that the people we had the offer on the condo for with only the subject of the sale of our home would reduce our purchase price by $10,000, so that we could put our asking price down by the same amount. I feel this is the equivalent of a stranger walking up to you and handing you $10,000., they had no reason they had to but they did, what an answer and answer to prayer. We would have an offer on our home by the end of that weekend, subject to the sale of there home,which they had an offer they were just waiting for the subjects to be removed and that wouldn't even be a week and then the subject to the dreaded inspection, they were from out of town and not far from the people that made the first offer could they possibly get the same guy that did the first, but we knew what ever the answer God was in control.

Oct 2nd was the inspection, we would here nothing until the afternoon of the next day, felt like torture, as this was the day they had to remove the subjects. They would remove all the subjects and our home would be finally sold firmly. We would have a moving date of Oct 25, just over three weeks. We would have to throw all procrastination out.

I went to work early one day to help get a customers Rv ready for them on time, allowing me to get off early that day. I wouldn't realize that God had it planned, as I would need to go to the bank with my Mom to borrow the deposit for the new place. I was driving to meet my Mom at the bank, as our Realtor would drive her there. I was looking at the gas gauge not knowing how I was going to make it to work the next day.

When we were done at the bank my Mom handed me a plastic courier envelope and in it was two $50. gas cards for Esso. I can say that God's timing was so visible that day.

I have to say that these are more examples why I have no reservation or fear of walking in Faith with Jesus across Canada because I know if he has called me too it he will provide.

Father thank you for teaching me to trust your promises as your word is much alive today as it was in the past. Light my path father to walk in your will always. Thank you for the burning desire you have placed in my heart to walk with you in complete dependency as you are the almighty, sovereign over all things and it doesn't matter how big or how small you are in control and you promise to deliver us from all we face, we just need to trust in you and have patience in waiting for your timing, not ours. In Jesus Name Amen!

Sunday, September 30, 2012

Love, Fear and the Fruit from it.

What would you do for Love. The word love is found approx. 684 times in the Bible and Jesus answered  when asked:

“Which commandment is the most important of all?”  Jesus answered, “The most important is, ‘Hear, O Israel: The Lord our God, the Lord is one.  And you shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength.’ The second is this: ‘You shall love your neighbor as yourself.’ There is no other commandment greater than these.” Mark 12:28-31 ESV

Love is one of the most important aspects of life. I found though over time we build a protective wall around our hearts from all the painful experiences that we have endured over the years, making it harder to share the pure love of our hearts, in fear of allowing our hearts to be hurt again. We do let some in, like the new born child full of innocence, those parents that have shown what unconditional love is and if the scars aren't to thick we let someone special in that we want to share our lives with.

The people we have aloud into our hearts we love dearly and I don't know about you, but I know I would do almost anything for them, a bond like the bond of love a mother or father have for their child, a bond of love so great that they would sacrifice their lives to protect them.   A love far greater than the boundaries of this world.

I had locked my heart over the years only allowing my children in, as I lived in great fear of being hurt again, as my life had a great history of being hurt and rejected, but when God brought me through the trial of 2009 and delivered me from my past removing all the fear and shame that kept me captive he freed my heart to love again. God broke down the wall I had formed around my heart taking away one brick at a time till there was no more and I was set free.

God showed me a love that I had never experienced before but was always with me as it was his love for me. I was just blind before as I had formed a wall of protection, at least so I thought, but it was a wall of my destruction.  Like Eve had deceived herself by thinking that the best thing was to take fruit from the tree of life and share it with Adam leaving them both hiding from God. I had found a wall to hide behind, much like Adam and Eve a wall of fear and shame separating myself from the love God had for me all the time. I like Eve not knowing what I was doing shared the fruit of fear and shame with those close to me, as they ate from what I was living. I spent many years doing this until God brought me to a place where I could die to myself and become alive in Jesus Christ. God brought me to a place of resurrection, as once I was dead and he has brought me back to life. He has brought me back to love.

I have a love for Jesus now as he resides in my heart through the Holy Spirit a love greater than even the love I have for my own children. Like, I would suffer or die for my children if put in that position, I would also do for Jesus, as my love for him is far greater than life itself.

I want to walk for Jesus, much like what the disciples did in the bible. I pray that the doors are opened that no man can close, that will allow me to walk across Canada in the name of my Lord and Savior, sharing what God has shown me and taught me. Spreading the Good News of what Jesus did for us and that this is not just part of the past put part of the here and now. We do not know what tomorrow brings and I don't want to sit on the sidelines while watching others do what God has called me to do.

I ask for your prayers as to walk with him would be a complete reliance on him, as on my strength I would completely fail. I fund raise for this walk while part of me hopes it fails, not so that I don't walk, but so that God can show the world that this walk is not of man but completely to his glory and will, but I know that also raising the money to go will be a miracle in itself as I will be dependent on God laying it on strangers hearts to trust my walk and help support it. God is sovereign over all things and if it is his will he will put everything into place. I would like to also raise money for Missions to help the Body of Christ stretch out its arms to reach every nation and people group of this world, so that no one has not heard what Jesus has done for us.

 Father thank you for the promise you gave us through your son Jesus Christ. Father I lift up my prayer to you help me do what you have called me to do. I lift the people of this world up to you in prayer, you know what they are facing, you know each one of them by name. Father let your will be done in their lives, flood them with your peace, hope, joy, & grace. Fill them with your holy spirit on a daily basis. Place a hedge of protection around them & cover them with the blood of Jesus. Father if they do not know you draw them close so they can see you. Remove all barriers that would stand in their way to knowing you. Father transform us & help our eyes stay fixed on Jesus. Jesus if we ever needed you its now! Lord Jesus Christ please come.....In Jesus Christ Name Amen.


Monday, September 3, 2012

How Do You Explain?

How do you explain the passion and desires of your heart? When once before these would have been greatly foreign to yourself and strange.

I can't seam to explain to those around me the hunger that grows with in me, a hunger that is getting really hard to ignore. I am starting to understand stand, as I am living it, 2 Corinthians 5:11-21. Who I once was is no more, as the new creation that is with in has come.

What use to hold my attention does not anymore. I only have one desire now, a desire to shout to the world what God has told me and I have witnessed through his Word, as God is teaching me. How does one stay complacent when they have witnessed what I have witnessed.

I was baptized in Nov. '08, as I thought it was time after asking Jesus for forgiveness of my sins and invited him into my heart over 10 yrs. earlier.

 I had asked him in as I was at a low in my life, raising two babies on my own after my husband left, and my youngest was not developing language and other developmental steps at expected times and forever having violent self injures behaviors that I knew weren't normal but wasn't getting any answers and I was tired of doing it alone and I was told Jesus was the answer so I invited him in, but not really, as I really didn't understand and I had major doubts that kept creeping up. 

After I had been baptized was when the I started hearing from the Holy Spirit in a way I had never heard before and through 2009 God taught me to listen to the Holy Spirit. God brought me to a place where the world closed its doors and it was Father/Son/Holy Spirit and me. I found my strength to walk through every moment through the Trinity and I know that I would not have made it if it wasn't through the Trinity.

I know Jesus was stepping between me and the bites, the punches and the slaps as I felt nothing allowing me to do what I needed to do to protect my child. Only a few saw the black bruises and bite marks that covered my body, but I never felt the pain that should have come with them. I know when I walked through that year I never walked it alone.

The Holy Spirit kept bringing me Gods Word to help me get through and enough to understand that everything had its purpose. Many would never understand unless they had experienced it themselves. You see I am dyslexic, I have a very difficult time reading my Bible do to it and the majority of the scriptures I  have learnt are not because of me purposely sitting down and memorizing scripture so I have them etched in my brain, I would lie to you if I said this was the case.  

God is using his living Word to speak to my heart and he has been bringing them alive in my heart and my life.

He started at the beginning of our journey in 2009 when the Bible was brought out by my son and then all of a sudden my son, my mom and I in unison started reciting Psalm 23 He brought that verse alive in 2009, as he gave me everything I needed to make it through. He gave me the strength, perseverance and his Word I needed. He gave me a lens of a camera that aloud me to rest if only for a moment to focus on the beauty that surrounded me. He guided my footsteps for his names sake giving me a testimony of his love. Even though we walked through the darkest of valleys. I did not fear the evil as God taught me that I had authority through Jesus Christ to rebuke and command what was evil to go back to where they belong. God was and is my comfort. He prepared a table for me in the presence of my enemies as he gave me the opportunity to sit with those who had been against us. He anointed my head with oil as he dried my tears: my cup  overflows. He has taught me that no matter what that his goodness and love will follow me all the days of my life and I will dwell in the house of the Lord. I will never question that again.

In the middle of what we went through he brought me 1 Peter 1:6-7. I know it was only through the Strength God gave me I was still able to rejoice in his name through every moment of everyday of what we went through. I had no doubts of his presence. I had to suffer grief in all kinds of trials through that time as what we went through was not just what I shared in the Testimony of 2009, I was also dealing with my sister who was diagnosed terminal and was on dialysis as her kidneys had shut down and because of her diabetes and bad heart didn't qualify for a transplant and because of this we watched her suffer greatly as we faced the grief of knowing she wasn't suppose to make it past Christmas. If that wasn't enough in the middle of 2009 my Grandmother was diagnosed terminal as well as her Kidneys were shutting down as well and because of her age and her health and watching my sister go through dialysis she  chose not to have any treatments, so it was a matter of time for her as well. Through that time my faith grew as it was refined by every time we would face another moment and at the end it did result in praise, glory and honor when Jesus was revealed to me as I was broken and died to myself the night my tears were dried.

at the end of that time he gave me 2 Corinthians 1:3-11 I am seeing this now more than I saw it when we first came through it as I witness many go through pieces of what I have already went through, what God had already comforted me through. I now am able to understand what they are going through as, I try now to comfort them with the comfort I received from God. I am also seeing the fruit of what I went through and that is a tremendous blessing to go through what I have if it brings comfort and salvation to those around me.

God also showed me the importance of putting on the full armor of God(Ephesians 6:10-18). I have a much better understanding of what we are up against, a war that is not of the flesh. I have witnessed the spiritual forces of evil, as I have been faced with it many times over, since God gave me the gift to see it,  but through God teaching me how to wear his armor I have learned to be ready for battle. My first experience was when God gave me his truths all that was needed to free someone I love I love from demonic possession. I learnt then that we need all parts of God's Armour, as the evil one fights with using fear, threats & lies that you would not recognize like a wolf in sheep's clothing unless  you are fully suited up. He is really good at twisting the truth to try to convince you of his lies.

We in the develop world don't really see the battle that goes on around us like many are aware in other parts of the world, but I am here to tell you it is very real and we are not immune. You see the spiritual forces of evil surround us through our complacency, you see we are not much of a threat as long as he can keep us wrapped up in the wants and desires of this world and keep us complacent to fighting what really matters getting God's word out there and spreading the Good News of the Gospel of Jesus Christ. I ask you when was the last time you stepped out and shared what Jesus has done for you? Do you know anyone that does not have a personal relationship with Jesus Christ?  Do you know what your or their tomorrow will bring? Have you shared with them what you know? or Have you fallen into the trap of complacency?

We all are given the choice to walk with Jesus or walk with the spiritual forces of evil. Who do you choose to walk with? God has shown me that there are only two sides and if I am not on one side I am on the other. I have witnessed the horror of the side against God and I will choose to walk with God and when I mess up ask for his forgiveness.

God has also showed me what Mathew 6:25-34 means. When the world had closed its doors and I was left without a healthcare system or a job because of what we went through God brought this verse to life as he brought me to an understanding of how much more valuable life is than what we think we need to sustain it in this world. For over 6 months, I would realize this as we went through only focusing on how we would make it through the days with our lives; food & clothing became unimportant. I went those months without being able to eat as those moments became impossible to have. I still manged to walk through it as God became the only bread I needed.

Then as time went by God taught me that he was our provider as were we not more valuable than the birds and he feeds them. God showed us that he indeed would care for our needs as he took care of our housing by having the bank tell us, after I lost my job, that we wouldn't need to pay our mortgage till next year and that they would cover the new roof we would need. I don't know about you but to me that was unheard of. We would not have money to buy groceries but God would bring his living word alive again in my life as he showed me first hand the story of the five loaves and 2 fishes (Luke9:12-17), as he took what we had and made every days meals satisfy our hunger and there would be more for the next day.

I could go on and on about what God has been teaching me and I most likely will continue in the future.

I just have a desire to walk with Jesus in full dependency of him. I want to go out into this world and tell everyone this isn't just something to believe in it is very much alive and real!!

I have a desire to walk from one coast to the other of Canada declaring God's truth as I follow Jesus and his lead, serving those who I come in contact with the love and comfort my Savior has given me. I have been told I am crazy, I have been told I should be happy where I am and that this is the ministry God has placed me in, but I ask why does my heart break to leave the things of this world that hold me in bondage and walk free with the one who has saved me spreading his Good News. I feel that I have spoke to all that I know about what God has done for us through his Son Jesus Christ and I need to reach the unreached. I know that I am probably being a dreamer but I pray not, I pray God will set me free to follow what my heart breaks to do go out and share what he has done for us.

God I can not praise you enough as you are the almighty, all sovereign, King of Kings Creator of all. I come to you asking to be free of the bondage's of this world that hold me back from walking with you in your complete will. I want to shout out to all that do not know you and share what you have done for us all. In Jesus Name Amen.

Thursday, August 23, 2012

Where do the Poor and Disadvantage Belong in the Church Today?

God keeps putting this question on my heart, "Where do the Poor and Disadvantaged belong in the  Church today?" God has given me insight into two worlds.

 I grew up with money. My mom learned to drive on a 450SL Mercedes convertible. My Parents built a custom home on Larch Ave in Maple Ridge with a sauna and a pool .  My dad was one of the original Teamsters of the Teamsters Union. He had to always have three years worth of money, that would cover all expenses sitting in the bank. I remember not having a want for anything, when it came to material things.  I took allot for granted.

I never wondered where my next meal was coming from and ate in some of the finest restaurants, including the rotating restaurant in Vancouver, the Bedford House Restaurant. We had every toy you ever wanted. We traveled to Britain every year without a second thought.

I have also lived without. I know what it is like to live on government assistance, government housing. I have stood in the food bank lines, I know what it is like also to be turned away from the food bank. I have had to reach out to the church for assistance on numerous occasions. I know what it is like to struggle with your pride when you are in need and have no other choice but to humble yourself and ask for help. I know what it is to go long periods without food. I have lived with the guilt that my children have had to do without and the repeated no we can't afford it. I have lived in dread over school letters requesting money for another field trip.

I have to say I use to go to Church without a thought of what the simplest things at Church could be a wall someone else can't climb. God has given me wisdom through experience now to something I was once blind too, I am walking through.

I go to Church every Sunday morning. I sit there as the screen flashes another event, but with every event comes with a dollar figure or a needed cost. I get this image in my head of this very long glass window that I am standing on the outside looking in at all these beautiful people enjoying community while I wait on the other side of the glass waiting for an invite I can afford and except. Every once in a while someone will poke their head out the door and ask if I would like to share in what is happening and I graciously decline knowing there is no way I can afford to come in, but a few times the door has opened and someone tells me that they have purchased my way in so no worries, those are the times I feel blessed as I experience community in the presence of God. While standing outside I realize I am not standing alone as there are many that can't make it past the glass window.

I know that there is one door open to the church, it is the back, the door is labelled helpline that is always open in the time of need of daily living.

I have to be honest I have been leaning on the window for a very long time now, only going in on Sunday mornings and to the helpline as a very last resort, as I felt this was the only time I have been welcome. I have emailed pastors trying to figure out how I can participate outside of the help line with no response. I have thought repeatedly of switching churches, but God keeps on saying no. I get told the easy road is just that easy, but what is right is not always easy and takes time, my time. I am trusting that God has a reason and a plan and I will stay when he tells me to stay and walk when he tells me to walk.

I only know that I need & hunger to serve, learn and be in community as I walk with my Savior.

I ask you " Where do the poor and disadvantage belong in the church?

I have another image of a race. Every one is trying to get to the finish line, one of the runners falls and can't stand on their own, you are about to pass them do you stop and help them walk to the finish line or do you continue by either running as you scream "I hope you will be ok!" or say nothing at all.

What would Jesus do? What kind of race are you running?

Father help us to do what you would do. Help us walk the way you would have us walk. Give us your eyes to see what we need to see, break our hearts for what breaks your heart. In Jesus Name Amen.

Wow just found this devotional speaking on this, a day after I posted this: http://www.biblegateway.com/devotionals-new/tabletalk-coram/2012/08/24

Sunday, August 19, 2012

God Reminding Me

I have to say I have been really stressing over everything that has been happening with the house and life in general as I found myself making the choice between buying Toilet paper or groceries as we negotiated the little bit left of my paycheck after paying the mortgage, the mortgage loan and a tank of gas that I hope will stretch another two weeks to get me to work..

We knew there was no way we could come up with the $162. for the mortgage insurance, we would just have to pay the fee and let it go. Yes, I have to say this is our very first bill we have had to be delinquent on since my mom and I moved in together over 12 yrs. ago. We decided because of this we would take what was left and get some of the things we needed with what was left.

I woke up Sat. morning with the walls spinning, I barely made it to the bathroom when I wasn't just seeing the room spinning I could physically feel myself fighting the motion as I felt the pressure on my head and the nausea was starting. I crawled my way back to bed until the rest of the house woke up. I would fight this feeling all day and I found myself crashed on the couch instead of getting the long list of stuff I needed to do on my two days off.

While I laid on the couch watching a show with my mom, in between snoozing. I could hear God speaking to me as he said do you not remember we have been here before. You trying to rescue yourself as everything around you was falling apart (2009)  and only when you became broken were you willing to let go and let me take care of it and allow my will to be done. I have to say that was a very humbling moment, to learn that I was doing it again trying to control everything and forgetting what God had already taught me to trust him when I can't understand what is happening as it appears my life is falling apart but it isn't because God has my life in his hands and he is sovereign over it all and that he knows where we need to be and where he sees the completed puzzle, I can't see past the piece that I hold and I need to stop trying all the different things and let God place me where my piece fits.  

God sealed what he was telling me when I had woke up Sunday morning minus the vertigo, allowing me to drive us to church. Every worship song spoke to what he was telling me and then the sermon was on Philippians 4:8-9  , but the pastor also spoke on Mathew 6

God is so telling me to let go again!

Father I ask for your forgiveness one more time as my eyes and mind were loosing there focus on what you have already taught me, too only seek out you and you will sustain me and that you are all I need. I praise you my Lord for all that you are doing and that you do not let us walk this life alone, you walk it with us and don't just sit on the side lines well we mess up. Help me to stay in your will at all times and give me your peace you have promised that surpasses all understanding, so that I don't drift in my fears and anxieties...In Jesus Name Amen.

Monday, August 13, 2012

Where to begin it has been a while....

I never realized how much of your time selling your home can take.

Last time I left you I had just fallen over the dishwasher. I was having bruising and swelling still showing up weeks later, most of it is gone now except some swelling on the edge of my left ribs. I had an x-ray and no news back from it so I am assuming there was nothing broken.

We have had several viewings on our home since I last stopped by and even had an offer on our home, with only the subject to inspection. We thought no problem as everything that needed fixed when we had a building inspection when we purchased the home had been fixed.

We were all excited as finally we were seeing an end to struggling from paycheck to paycheck, as we would be able to pay down the mortgage considerably and our monthly payments in many areas would be less.

We had started weeding down all the stuff we have, getting rid of the stuff we wouldn't need in a condo.

They had their building inspector come in the day before they had to remove the subject, last Thursday. The gentlemen against his Realtor's advice spoke with my mom for a bit and he was telling her how much they loved the house and how his wife loved the gardens. We all thought it was a done deal. They did their inspection and then stood in the driveway for a long period of time, the inspector, the Realtor and the Gentleman.

They left and then several hours later our Realtor called and she said the dreaded words "It is not good." Their inspector said that there was a lot of moisture in the basement, that the baring wall had been moved and that the foundation was sinking in the middle. He told them there would be $10,000.-$15,000. to lift the foundation.

We were dumb founded, confused and scared, could there have been something we didn't see, nobody has moved the baring wall, could our building inspector miss it. Would this mean our house is unsaleable, this couldn't be as we can't afford to stay and what will we do if we can't sell it.  I then went down stairs and the Realtor came over wanting to see if she could see what they were talking about. I had lifted bake the rubber flooring in our laundry room to reveal a piece of lino that had apparently become a dogs toilet unannounced to us,

at that moment I could have rung a dogs neck, no I wouldn't for real and no animal was abused in this frustration. I'm thinking this was his moisture reading, as you could see a strait line on the back side of the rubber matting

and when the lino was washed there was no water stains in it that would be apparent if the concrete was damp. We all looked all over and couldn't find anything he had stated. I even pulled out Mom's long level and a ball to see if there was any signs of the foundation sinking in the basement 

  and again could not find anything. Our Realtor called back thursday and told us that she would pay for a building inspection from a very reputably inspector in town to get a second opinion, being she knew we couldn't afford it and we knew if we couldn't disprove the first inspection our house was basically unsaleable.

Her inspector came on Friday while I was at work, and he was wondering if this person was a newbie as he could see how he could even see what he was seeing. My mom said this guy even moved stuff to check. He said there was nothing of concern and that this is how they were built for the age of the house. He had told the Realtor the same as my mom did that there was a support beam so that the basement could be opened up to an L shape like many of these homes were designed for. 

The couple who had the offer on the house only had till midnight Friday and nothing was heard, but our Realtor knew of some people that were just waiting to see what happened with the offer on the table and wanted to view our house if it fell through. 

Friday came and went and now it was Saturday morning, the offer expired and our house was no long sold. We had decided we needed to tare up the rubber mat, at least the side the baring wall was on and we would need to empty out that side of the basement that was full of Rubbermaid bins, book shelves and a cupboard. But before we could do that I would need to completely empty out the carport of everything and re organize it as there was no room to move in it.

I was busy emptying the carport when the phone rang, it was my Uncle Dick from Scotland. He was calling to let us know that my great Aunt had been found dead this morning by her nurse. My mom told me and all the times my great Aunt and I spent together started flooding through my brain as the tears started to flow, but I couldn't break down I had to keep going, I had to get the job done.  

Not long after, our Realtor phoned telling us that the couple that had been waiting wanted to view the house at 3pm Sunday now that the offer was dead. She also said the people that put the offer in were still interested but very cautious and were thinking of hiring a foundation expert.

I managed to finish pulling the stuff out of the basement and cleaning the floor, as the previous people I swear used latex paint on the floor, the reason why we put down the rubber flooring. I checked out the beam in question that made the first inspector think it had been moved compromising the structure. I started laughing as the only way it could have been moved was if we had moved it inside the exterior wall and this would be noticeable and it wasn't, the first inspector was full of crap and really needs to get his facts straight before stating fact rather than his opinion. Pictures below:

I f you can tell the first inspector hit a nerve and through me back in to fighting mode, as I have a big pat peeve and that big pat peeve is people spooning at words without the facts to back them up, especially when they can completely destroy someones life. 

I had all these plans going through my head of how I would force him to retract his statement. I also though had the image of scripture running through my head as well. When they came to get Jesus and one of the those who stood by  had cut the ear off one of the servants of the high priest. I know God is telling me no more of this and I need to let happen what is going to happen. I am weak though and over the years I have found myself having to fight for everything a habit God is now asking me to stop.

Well we showed our house yesterday after we rushed around to finish putting everything away out of the backyard and mowing the front and back lawns. Our neighbor next door was kind enough to invite us into their home so we didn't have to wonder around in the hot vehicle till they were done, this was an answer to prayer as I have no gas in our vehicle and once again it is going to take a miracle for me to get to work for the next week until payday.

While we were sitting at their home we found out that the people around the corner from us, right in the path to showing our home, had been robbed Friday night. I was dumb founded as we live in a low crime area and this doesn't happen hear. They found out about it as the people who were robbed had their vehicle at the end of their driveway with two large cardboard signs on either side stating this and that they were looking to find anyone who saw anything. My heart goes out to them, but what is going on every where we turn something is blocking the sale of our home, in a bizarre way. I have to ask is this part of God's plan. 

I had told our neighbors when we put the house up that we tried everything to keep the house we even contacted Ty Pennington, as my daughter was sure ABC's Extreme Home Makeover show could get us out of this mess and as I suspected, they can't cross the border into Canada with their bus.

Wouldn't that be a dream, someone coming in and taring down our home and replacing it with a accessibility home where I wouldn't have to worry as much about my mom falling, as her mobility lessons and would pay off our mortgage freeing me up from the bondage of debt so I could freely serve my Lord and spread the good news.

I know but once and a while it is nice to live in a fantasy world.

God I am trusting you know what you are doing as the waters rise, I am holding on to the breathe you have given me to walk through what always seems impossible but with you there is always possible even if its not what we are expecting....I lay my life in your hands..In Jesus Name Amen

Sunday, July 15, 2012

When One Doors Close...

We went on Tuesday to take a second look at the place that was so perfect, I was still a little hesitant as if we got this place I was concerned that I still wouldn't be in a place I could have people over, hold a bible study or pastorate something I have always wanted since we moved in together as I have never been able too with out shoving my mom aside.

I am a very social person and have always  needed to be around people, even though I can find myself sociably awkward I am happiest in large group settings. My place before we moved in together was always full of people. When my Mom and us moved in together it became very apparent my Mom prefers her own company and guests stress her out allot as she needs to have everything perfect.  We eventually stopped inviting people over as it became to stressful.

I was pleasantly surprised when the Realtor took us to the amenities room right next door. She opened the door and it was this very large beautiful room with a full kitchen and just past that was a fireplace flanked with two leather couches and there was a very large area you could set up tables, with a very large deck, perfect for everything I thought I would not be able to do.

I felt God was ticking of every need and want we had, this was too perfect. We went back to the office to write an offer on the place and sign the listing papers for our house so that upon an excepted offer we would list. We were told if she heard something before 10 pm she would call us.

Not long after, we received a call. Our Realtor informed us before she could present our offer, someone from Vancouver had put in an offer that we could not compete with....sad face..My mom was heart broken as she so thought it was the one and she felt so at home there.

We would soon find out that this was only the beginning of our Journey and we would soon know why. Before our second look at the condo we lost we had gone to the floor before to view a condo that was the same floor plan but in reverse. My Mom could not get past the odor from the 4 cats living in the condo and being a dog person and a germ a phoebe she could not get past the food and water dishes set out for the cats on the kitchen counter, as well as the multiple litter boxes. I had stopped looking at the condo because it was apparent by my Mom's facial expressions there was no way, even though this condo was priced $25,000. less than the one we were about to lose.

I went to work the next day thinking how I could convince my Mom to go for it if we could get it at a low enough price we could replace all the carpets and I am a detailer with all the commercial cleaners, I would have no problem cleaning the place. My Mom came up with one excuse after another, until I told her that all the other places out there were much older and nothing she would even consider, why not get this one as an investment and use to be able to step up the ladder to the type of place she would be happy with. We went for a second viewing so that we could see what we would really have to do. When we got there the lady was still there and she was explaining that she was just wanting to move into a smaller condo that was for sale just down the hall, as her Mom had passed away and she just needed a place just for her and her cats now. She eventually left and when we were looking around we noticed in one of the bedrooms was the memorial card for her Mom and her Mom was a Bennett too. So now our Realtor is related to the Bennett's and now the condo owner, what's up with that?

We went back to the office and wrote the offer, her Realtor would not present our offer to her till morning and had asked if we could go higher as she couldn't afford to take it for the offer we had presented...we had to think about it as my mom is allergic to cats and there was no way we could do anything but rip out all the carpets and we were not much better off than her.

I started playing on the computer when we got home looking for pictures so I could see it again, when I stumbled across the unit I had found before and had assumed it was the cat ladies, but when I found the pictures I soon realized I was wrong it was a different place all together. I emailed our Realtor with a I'm confused email.

The next day while I was at work the Realtor picked up Mom to look at it and it was the exact floor plan as the one my Mom had fallen in love with but right under the one we had lost, so she pulled the offer and the cat ladies place and after work we wrote an offer on this place that was move in ready, immaculate. They countered our offer and it was just under the price of the cat ladies place when they excepted the offer.

We understand why God said no at the first place now, as this place is the same and just perfect but for double digits less than the one we wanted in the first place when that God said no.

We have now put or place up for sale and are praying for it to sell fast so that we can move into it before my son is done with volunteering at summer camp, so it will have the least impact on him with his Autism.

We have been working hard on getting everything we need to get done to make our place look its best, like painting brown doors white.

I have to say though rushing around doesn't come without its consequences. After dinner tonight, My Mom asked me to take our large convection toaster oven off our deck to the downstairs. I would need to cut through the kitchen for the direct route to down stairs. I lifted up the toaster oven and started coming through the kitchen when I was abruptly stopped by the door that had been left open on the dishwasher. I ended up falling over the door with oven still in hand, trying not to break the dishwasher door ( can't afford to replace it) I knocked the bottom drawer that had also been left open I landed still holding the oven, I was in so much pain as I had twisted my body and had some how by the looks of it pulled a tendon in my left arm and bruised the inside part of my elbow pretty good. My mom and son were freaking and not till I got up and mom started showing me that I was less than an inch from being stabbed by the sharp knives in the dishwasher. My Mom had thought I possibly had been, until she made sure.

I was suppose to drive my son back up to camp tonight but he was so upset because he had left the dishwasher open that he started melting down from the stress and was becoming physically ill. I started driving him but he asked me to take him home. He texted camp and let them know he wouldn't be there till tomorrow. I am so hoping I am going to be able to drive him tomorrow night as my body starts to object to my acrobatics earlier.

Well it is time for me to call it a night and say my prayers.

Father thank you for giving us "no's" sometimes as you know what is a far better "yes". Thank you for teaching me to listen to you and have the peace to follow you, even when nothing makes sense. Father I ask a favor of you, could you please find a buyer for our house fast so that the stress of all this doesn't become to much for my mom and son. Father I also ask for your healing hand on my body so that my stumble doesn't effect my ability to do my job this week and on. I know you can step between the pain if quick healing is not in your plans and I ask for you to walk me through this as you always do. Father I lift those who are reading this post or any other post I have written, allow what you want them to hear take root and anything that is not of you fall to the waist side and discarded. Father many are facing challenges in their lives please help them to not walk it alone and realize if they invite you into what they are going through you will be there as you love them more than they could ever imagine. In all things let your will be done. In Jesus Precious Name through the Spirit Amen.

Sunday, July 8, 2012

Wow!! Thank you God!!

Where do I start, I was so upset in my last post but did what God asked me to do (Matthew 18:21-35), make a way to forgive the debt of sin against me, as he made a way to forgive mine through his son Jesus Christ. 

My Mom and I went to the bank on Friday with the letter as is from my work, even though I was told by many to question them on it and see if there was anyway they could rewrite it. I was discerning that God wanted me to trust him and leave it as is and he would take care of it.  

We met with a new lady at the bank as the manager that we knew there had been transferred and the lady we normally speak to under her was on maternity. We walked into the office and there was a great sense of peace as we spoke with her. The letter was a non issue and she said we could qualify for anything up to what we had now and that a penalty would be less than first thought. 

I said to her that this was good but I wanted to know what the amount would be that would bring down the monthly fees to a breathable level. We were turning to say good-bye and leave when a light struck my eye and it was reflecting off the silver coloured cross that was hanging around her neck. I truly think that was God letting us know he was there in that meeting with the bank.

Makes you think what was that emotional frenzy except a lapse in faith and energy burnt in stress and fear that is not needed when our God is in charge. 

Before we went to the bank on Friday my mom had contacted the Real Estate  office, on Tuesday, that my mom had dealt with for years, but the Realtor that sold us this house had since past away from cancer and when Mom had found out by inquiring how she was the Manager had given her the news and told her to contact him if we found ourselves needing a Realtor and he would make sure we were taken care of. The manager kept his promise and had a very strait forward Realtor who comes across as real not fake and she sais it how it is.

The Realtor came by Wednesday morning, 4th of July, to come do an appraisal of what she thought we could sell for and what she thought we would need to do to the house to get it ready. She was talking with my mom while I was at work and mom found out there is a strong possibility we are related to this Realtor, we have never met before.

We found out that the value in our house will allow us to down size to something that will be much smaller but way less than what we are having to come up with now and with numbers crunched our expenses will almost cut in half. I showed mom the numbers and she agreed, Thank you God!! You see I only have token 10% interest in the ownership of our home that I was given when we first moved in together, to protect me if anything happened to my mom, so no one could kick us out of our home. Because of this, I really don't have a say on whether we sell or not because my mom always has the controlling say and up till now she was saying no way as we would be worse off. But the reality is, that wasn't true once you actually crunched the numbers.

I have to say I am quite ignorant when it comes to home buying and selling, as well as the financing end of things. I use to always be afraid to step into the world I had no idea about, but I can say God has freed me from that fear.

Saturday we went out and looked at 5 places, originally it was more but Mom vetoed out 8 of them as they were not in areas of town she would not buy in or they as she put it looked like dumps/ghettos, by their listing. We knew it would be difficult for the Realtor to find a suitable place as we would need a townhouse or condo that was level entry, had to have at least the master bedroom and laundry facility on the level entry living area of the place so that mom wouldn't have to be faced with any stairs. We needed to have a place that would except the two dogs, as my mom made a promise to my sister, at my sisters request, less than an hour before she passed away that we would take care of her dogs and would never give them away. Mom also needed to be with in walking distance to town and the park so she wouldn't be home bound. We also needed it to be at least capable of having three bedrooms. We knew we were asking for a miracle, I think this is most likely why we started all this with reaching out for prayer as soon as we knew moving was a thought.

We went to the first place and it was only 5 yrs. old, was walking distance to town and the park and had three decent sized bedrooms and the bonus was the master bedroom was on the opposite side of the apartment from the other two bedrooms. The condo was an open concept one with granite kitchen counters, something I never expected to see on our limited budget.

We continued down the list of places she had to show us.

We went to one place that she told us, before we went in, was a foreclosure. My heart started breaking as I know how easy life can change and put you in that place, we were so close many times over this last three years of not being able to afford our payments through circumstances beyond our control. I could only imagine what this person was facing. My son came with us on Saturday and was very chatty as he had never been old enough to go house shopping before and one of the things he does in new situations is ask allot of questions with out holding back. I needed to tell him to lock up the lips while we were in the condo, as it could hurt the persons feelings as they were not selling by choice, much like us but worse off.

We went up to the suite and the Realtor knocked on the door, I was expecting someone young. The door opened to reveal a very petite frail old man. My heart started breaking even more, all I could do the whole time I was in his place was pray for him as I walked from room to room. We left his home, but he did not leave my heart.

We continued on and the last place we looked at was a beautiful townhouse, the family living in it were very apparently christian as their was no hiding it in there beautifully designed home with beautiful wall phrases. We could all feel the peace in this home and you just knew this was a family that prayed together. I have to say the floor plan was just perfect. The master bedroom was on the main level entry. There was a bedroom and a games room down stairs that would have, the way it was designed, been a perfect for bachelors suite for my son, it even had its own entry door, but it wouldn't be.With further talks with the Realtor the complex was in the middle of deciding how they would be replacing all the roofs in the complex and they had no contingency fund. We took a look on the patio and the unit backed onto the playground and with further look the fences and landscape was very neglected. We knew this meant the complex would have to come to the owners with a special something requesting money to pay for these repairs and we knew no matter how much we liked it we could not handle having top put out the extra they would be coming for. Before we left though my son took me aside and told me that he wouldn't be able to wake up to the carpet in the room that would have been his as it was setting of one of his sensory issues and the feeling of it on his feet was stressing him out, but when he came upstairs the colours of the walls was very calming to him. I have to say I was blown away as this was the very first time my son articulated anything like this.

18 yrs. old and my son is still teaching me new things about his Autism. I walk bare foot all the time and I don't think about what I stand on unless it is pointy gravel or hot black top and I never thought about how the carpet and colours would effect him so much. The things I take for granted can impact him greatly.

I have to say I was sad as this would have been the best place to further my son's independence and there was no way we could do it.

The Realtor dropped us off at home and over the next 24 hrs I would come to the realization of two things, My mom and son liked the first place we saw and my mom said she didn't know why but it felt like home.

I had my reservations. I think though I started realizing my reservations had nothing to do with the place but more about what we were leaving. We would be leaving my daughters room and I would have to face the reality she had moved out and we wouldn't have a room for her to move back in. We would also be leaving the community that we loved and most of all the neighbors that God had blessed us with.

I started getting mad that we were not moving because we wanted to but because we had too, then my mind started returning back to why we were in this mess and it was all because of a trauma we went through that if we were listened too would not have happened.

God though started showing me.
You said you would need a place close to town for your mom, I have given you this place,
you asked for a place that would allow the dogs, I have given you this,
you asked for three bedrooms and I gave it to you,
you asked for a place that your mom would be happy with, I gave you that,
you were concerned about taking the dogs up and down an elevator, I gave you a place you would not need to do that,
you were worried about taking the dogs through the halls as one of them barks at every sound, I gave you that as this place is right next to the entry,
you were concerned about neighbors all around you, you only have one above you and no one on any other side, I gave you that,
your mom can access the mail and walk the dogs in very little steps, I gave you that,
you needed something that would reduce your payments, this place will almost cut them in half, I gave you that. 
You asked me for a miracle I gave you that!

On Tuesday we will be seeing this place again and by the looks of it putting in an offer and we will be putting our house up for sale. 

I ask for your continued prayers as God brings this part of his plan together and that in all this his will be done. Thank you!

Thank you God for giving me wisdom into your care and love for me and my family and how you answer our prayers. You are sovereign over all, help remind me in every step you have me walk. I lift up my praise and worship to you my Lord, My God, My Father, My Savior. In Jesus Christ Name Amen. 

Wednesday, July 4, 2012

Feeling Like Being Punched

Wow it feels like it has a bit since I stopped by. The last few weeks have been really busy and allot has changed.  I can't believe I survived working 12 days in a row and 94 hours later. I have to admit the last couple of days were rough but I did it.

I managed to have two days off before working Canada Day, but it was a fair trade working the stat to get the following Friday, this Friday off. I was able to book in some stuff that I can't normally do because my work hours conflict. I have set up an appointment at the church to talk to the special needs ministry about the dream God had given me for a community centre for special needs.

Monday night I had been playing on the computer and was looking up houses for sale online. I found this perfect town home, a rancher style. The town home was close to town making everything walking distance, one level making it easy for my mom's mobility, air conditioned so the heat wouldn't get to my mom as most of her medications make her ill in the heat, would cut the commute to work in half cutting the gas, and best of all I did some # crunching and it would cut the cost of our mortgage in half  freeing us from just existing.

We had only one road block standing in the way and that is the penalty on our mortgage that the bank put on when we had to get the second mortgage in 2009 when I wasn't able to go to work because of the trauma we were going through, but I was stronger now and I was ready to go to the bank and ask them to wave it if they wanted us to keep our mortgage with them.

 I was reinstated back into my position at work a year this September, after getting fired and then finally being told what I was going through was Post Traumatic Stress Disorder from what we went through and I was finally getting control back from the effects of it. I started working for them originally in 2006. I felt this put me in a strong position to qualify again for a smaller mortgage but this time without my mom's income, as I needed to be secure in knowing that if anything happened I could afford to do this on my own. I knew this would be far cheaper than paying rent and our best option allowing us to be able to breathe again.

I went in to work the next day all excited as I had asked for everyone to pray for us, over this as soon as everything started moving. I asked for a letter from my work, for the bank. I called mom at coffee and she had already contacted the bank and set up an appointment on Friday after my morning appointment. She also contacted the Real estate office, she had got the moving bug too as we were seeing a light at the end of the tunnel. I received the letter from work and put it in my purse.

This morning I woke up and was going through the morning ritual and was about to leave for work when I remembered the letter from work that was sealed with my name on it. I opened it up and started reading and as I read I felt so angry and so hurt. I had realized my first 5 yrs had been wiped away like they had never existed. I soon came to the realization that the chance of us being able to get out of living never knowing if we will make it payday to payday had most likely evaporated.

My brother had just called waking my mom so I went to her room. She knew I was angry, or I guess you could say livid. I through the letter at her and told her I was pissed but she could read it for herself.

I was devastated and felt like someone had just punched me. I thought what we had gone through was behind us. I thought my work finally understood that we were the victims in all of this and nothing we went through was by choice. I thought they understood and when I was reinstated, they were showing care and compassion as I had shared candidly about what we had gone through.

I now felt like I was being treated no differently than someone that was skipping work, slacking on the job or steeling something and had been fired. I was hurting knowing that all the times I gave all of me to work in the past was worth nothing as if it had never existed before.

I drove to work with the anger and pain running through my veins. I was talking to God all the way to work, praying for his strength and help. While I was driving God brought the "Parable of the Unmerciful Servant" to my mind and then I heard him say "I have forgiven you of your sins, I need you to forgive them of theirs!" My brain started processing the parable and I realized that my debt was my sin and God made a way to forgive me and he was asking me to make a way to forgive them. I told God that there was no way I could do this on my own, only through him I knew this was possible.

By the time I got to work the anger was gone but the hurt and pain I was feeling was still very much alive. I walk to put my purse and lunch kit down. On the way, I was walking towards a coworker and my face must of screamed something was wrong. He asked me if I was ok. I told him I had stuff I had to deal with on my own, trying so hard to just have time to process everything past the emotional stage. I put my stuff away and I heard him call me again. He said " Nicki we need to pray, do you want to go pray?" that opened up the flood gate of tears. We went into one of the units and he prayed for me, as I fought back the tears.

I headed over to ware all of us meet in the morning and the tears were not cooperating and one of my other coworkers was sitting there and she looked at me as the tears were flowing and I couldn't do anything but spill why I was hurting. I released what I was trying to bottle and then I was able to get control back and put the mask back on that said, I'm ok or as another coworker thought I was just tired, thanking God that was all she said.

I could feel God giving me what I needed to get through the day. He gave me the ability to continue my work just the same as I did before reading the letter, as he kept whispering to me all day "grace, give them the grace I gave you" the same words he gave me when he first brought me back to work.

God has called me where I am and he is who I work for everyday and I will give him my all, by giving my all in all I do.

Well tomorrow is my last day of work for the week, then I will keep the two appointments on Friday, but I do ask for your prayers over both appointments. Saturday we go out with the Realtor to see what our options are if the bank gives us the go ahead.

God I know you are in control of everything and that everything has a purpose. Please God if it is in your will please open the doors to where you want us to go in a way that we know it is you guiding our foot steps. Thank you for being in conversation with me today and helping me get through the day, hopefully in a way pleasing to you! In Jesus Precious Name Amen.

Please Continue to pray for the Klassens and the Kuhns