I have to say I have been really stressing over everything that has been happening with the house and life in general as I found myself making the choice between buying Toilet paper or groceries as we negotiated the little bit left of my paycheck after paying the mortgage, the mortgage loan and a tank of gas that I hope will stretch another two weeks to get me to work..
We knew there was no way we could come up with the $162. for the mortgage insurance, we would just have to pay the fee and let it go. Yes, I have to say this is our very first bill we have had to be delinquent on since my mom and I moved in together over 12 yrs. ago. We decided because of this we would take what was left and get some of the things we needed with what was left.
I woke up Sat. morning with the walls spinning, I barely made it to the bathroom when I wasn't just seeing the room spinning I could physically feel myself fighting the motion as I felt the pressure on my head and the nausea was starting. I crawled my way back to bed until the rest of the house woke up. I would fight this feeling all day and I found myself crashed on the couch instead of getting the long list of stuff I needed to do on my two days off.
While I laid on the couch watching a show with my mom, in between snoozing. I could hear God speaking to me as he said do you not remember we have been here before. You trying to rescue yourself as everything around you was falling apart (2009) and only when you became broken were you willing to let go and let me take care of it and allow my will to be done. I have to say that was a very humbling moment, to learn that I was doing it again trying to control everything and forgetting what God had already taught me to trust him when I can't understand what is happening as it appears my life is falling apart but it isn't because God has my life in his hands and he is sovereign over it all and that he knows where we need to be and where he sees the completed puzzle, I can't see past the piece that I hold and I need to stop trying all the different things and let God place me where my piece fits.
God sealed what he was telling me when I had woke up Sunday morning minus the vertigo, allowing me to drive us to church. Every worship song spoke to what he was telling me and then the sermon was on Philippians 4:8-9 , but the pastor also spoke on Mathew 6
God is so telling me to let go again!
Father I ask for your forgiveness one more time as my eyes and mind were loosing there focus on what you have already taught me, too only seek out you and you will sustain me and that you are all I need. I praise you my Lord for all that you are doing and that you do not let us walk this life alone, you walk it with us and don't just sit on the side lines well we mess up. Help me to stay in your will at all times and give me your peace you have promised that surpasses all understanding, so that I don't drift in my fears and anxieties...In Jesus Name Amen.
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