Struggling To Right But Wanting To Share What God's Been Doing

Hello it has been a while. God had laid on my heart not to write for a bit but study and read his word.

I was blessed by a lovely lady who sponsored me to go to the Secret Church: The Cross and Suffering, on Good Friday I was so blessed by going. We started at 6:30 pm and we finished at 1 am, the time flew by. The Speaker was very fast paced, engaging and humorous, but still serious.

God reiterated all that he has already been teaching me and calling me to do, through that 6 1/2 hours of studying God's word through the whole bible on suffering.

I am finding as time goes by the call to follow grows stronger, the ache in my heart grows deeper with every resistance to taking up my cross and following God where he wants me to go. I know where I am suppose to go, to the Horne of Africa. God has been preparing me since the day he put Kenya on my heart and mind. Many ask how do you know this is what God is calling you too? I know because before he placed Kenya on my heart and mind I had no idea what Kenya was, since then I can't count the number of times I have heard Kenya and the ache in my heart to go that keeps on growing. I know one day through prayer and petition and confidence God will complete the good work he has started in me I will be free of all that holds me back from what my heart desires.

My Hearts desire that keeps growing in my heart is to take up my cross and follow Jesus. I want to be able to do like Mathew when Jesus called  him to follow. I am finding my spirit is willing but my flesh is week. I want so much just to go but I can't seem to get past my not wanting to hurt my mom, my children understand but my mom will not. I know what Jesus has spoken on this but I still struggle. I have a war raging inside of me between who I was and who God has created me to be. I know though in Gods perfect timing his will for my life will be no matter how much my sinful nature gets in the way because God is sovereign over all things and my Savior.

I have witnessed many miracles my Savior has preformed in my life and this last little while has not been any different. We had received a call from the church asking if we had any financial needs they could help us with. I asked them to prayerfully consider where God wanted them to help us. I shared with them what our prayers were right then "some house repairs, vehicle repairs( I was having problems with the steering), and for me not to even miss an hour of work as it means eating becomes an option as we are already at the bare minimum, oh and because my mom will be upset if I don't mention it we were also praying if it is God's will that I would be blessed with teeth."

The church decided after speaking with my mom that helping us with our vehicle would most likely be the best as without it I can not get to work and we would be worse off. They asked us to make an appointment to find out what repairs the vehicle would need. I took our vehicle in and they drove me to work so I wouldn't be late. I noticed at lunch that my mom had called, I keep my phone on silent at work. I called her back and she asked if I was sitting down? I said yes. She proceeded to tell me that there was a problem with the steering rod and the transmission and we were lucky we had taken it in when we had. I knew luck had nothing to do with it. She told me that the cost was $2,800. and the church was able to cover $2,000. of it but we would need to come up with $800. and I knew that was impossible as our bare minimum budget was already running $14. something in the negative and we have no savings.

I started praying for a miracle and posted that prayer up on Facebook. I knew it was impossible for us but nothing was impossible for God and if it was in his will if he could please give us this miracle. I called mom back at last coffee and we still couldn't come up with any ideas of how to come up with the rest and mom had told the repair shop that we would have to not do some of the work. While I was talking to her over the phone she was checking the bank to see if a bill had come out of her account, when she said your not going to believe this, as our accounts were joint and she could also see mine as well as hers. I said what? She said your income tax return was deposited today. I was thinking that is awesome, it is normally around $1,500. no more, so I thought great it is covered. She then told me it was $2,800. Thank you Jesus for that quick answer to prayer in the form of a miracle, not only was the $800. covered but the whole amount my mom said it was.

You might think this is where the blessing ended, but not. I told the church about the miracle via email and said I guess this wasn't where God wanted them to help as he covered it. I found out after that email that the amount didn't include the tax, so mom called the church to let them know that we would still be short the tax and if they could please help us with that amount instead. I called mom on one of my breaks and she let me know that the church told her that they would pay what they originally agreed to the $2,000. and for us to put the rest of the money towards our property taxes.

God has blessed us so much as he blesses us monthly with his provision to make our monthly bills. He has now provided us with a reliable vehicle to get to work and medical appointments and the money towards our property taxes so we will not loose our home. As I right these blessings I realize he has answered many prayers this last few weeks, not just the above. I have been needing to go for several medical appointments this last little bit as well as upcoming and in all those appointments my wages are covered by either holiday pay, last of day appointments that not taking my last break covers or being aloud to work Saturday in place of, answering the prayer of not even missing an hour of work. I am brought back to Mathew 6:25-34

God has so shown me that it is not what this world has taught me that I need, it is what he is teaching me that contradicts what the world has told me.

Psalm 9

I now come to you for prayer, as through prayer God will deliver us. A week ago this last Saturday we were told that my Aunt has been diagnosed with Breast Cancer, she is a child of God. Please pray for her and her family. We were also told that day that my daughters best friends mom was also diagnosed with Breast Cancer, not a child of God. Please pray for her and her family. I also come to you for my mom who feels she has lost all sense of purpose and value. She has told me that she doesn't need or want any ones help as she has made it this far on her own.

Also, my daughter text me in a panic " I know this is going to sound weird but u need the elders to look at the house. I can't explain why but I was looking at the photo u sent me and a creepy feeling came over me. I love u and I need u to do this for me <3" I told her I would try but her Nana might not allow it. She messaged me back"I can't explain the feeling that came over me it was almost like something is wrong with that house and that it needs to be dealt with ASAP or something bad is going to happen. I love you all so much and I am going to pray for u guys" I tell you this as I have wanted to have the Elders come and pray over our house before as this is where the heart of the demonic attack happened and I like my daughter feel there is something with this house. My daughter in the past before she moved to Alberta told me that all this talk about Elders praying over the house just made her uncomfortable, but now that she is out of the house she is now seeing what I have been for a while, so please pray for our house and my family and as you pray for us pray protection over those close to you, future marriages and ministries and yourself, this is important.

God thank you for all that you have done in my life, help me to be strong enough through your strength to do what you have willed for my life, allowing me to go where you would have me go and stay where you would have me stay. Father protect those who read this from attack from the enemy as well as their friends and families, marriage of present or future and all ministries present or future. In Jesus Name Amen.

March 25 to April 1, 2012

Sunday we listen to a service at Church that I so had hoped my daughter could have heard as it said everything she has been trying to say and the reason why she quit kids town and allot of the ministries because she didn't agree with their teaching that when you become a Christian your life will be free of problems, we all know that isn't the truth as when you become a Christian you are signing up to become a soldier in God's army and will face many battles. One difference in this war is we already know who has one. God one the war when his son died on the cross for us and took the keys from Death and Hades, giving them no power over us. Northview's  service for last Sunday.

Monday I went to see the Doctor after work as I was still feeling the symptoms of the concussion. He said it might take a bit for them to go away and that I will live. I have never hit my head where three weeks later I still felt like I would pass out. As normal, I forgot to tell him something. I was going to ask him if I really needed to take these low dose aspirins as I am bruising very easily and I am wondering if they are why. I don't know about you but I always forget something.

Tuesday I got home from work and shortly after dinner I walked my daughter to her last pastorate before she moved. We took the dog with us and a roller cart. My mom and daughter had the brilliant idea of on the way home after my daughter took the cake she made out of the bag to the roller cart the dog could ride in it on the way home, she is a Karen Terrier(Toto from the Wizard of 0z Movie kind of dog) this lasted about 5 min. until she had enough.

Wednesday I went to my last counseling appointment the Church provided. I like all the other last appointment I was in a very good place. I think it is because I can be me and say what I want without being rejected for it. I can tell her that I know what we are going through, all of it, is a testimony to others of God's love and provision. Again God has aloud my Gas to stretch beyond it's means to get me to work.

Thursday after work I went to call my mom to let her know I was on my way to pick her up from getting the community volunteer to do our taxes and straighten out the mess from the other gentleman, when I realized I had several missed calls from my daughter who was with her. I called to find out our company had arrived a week earlier than expected. I was also informed that my son forgot to take his morning pills till around 2 pm and was having an Autistic meltdown already and then we added a surprise visit, that was the end of trying to calm him down and time to try to give him space as best as we can. I have to say it was a stark reminder that he has Autism as we haven't had that kind of meltdown in a long time. I have to say it doesn't just ware him out but me as well as I try to find a balance between meltdown and behaviors that can't happen meltdown or not. I think it was more overwhelming for me that day as I was dealing with getting my daughter ready to leave, my son's meltdown and my mom's stress of wanting everything perfect for when our guests arrived and not having it done.

Friday was a very long day, I felt like I should have never gotten up because I did not feel rested at all. I explained to someone that the day before just wore me out as I was reminded that my son has Autism, as we experienced a meltdown like I have not seen in a long time. I was proceeded to be told about how he would have to learn self control and at his age should learn. I was starting to be educated on Autism, like raising a child of 18 yrs. wouldn't have already taught me all about it. I had my button pushed and I could feel the anger raging inside me. I knew I couldn't do anything because my job would have been at stake. I walked away fuming, as I couldn't believe what I was hearing. I talked to my Mom at last coffee and explained to her all I wanted was out of there, I was already exhausted and this just drained me of anything I had left. I was so thankful for the end of the day.

Saturday, my last day with my daughter. We had one more bag to pack for her and she needed to finish her laundry so she had all her clothes she wanted to take with her. I could hear a fight breaking out of the laundry between my mom and my daughter and then the fight was on and I can say I lost it as I wanted my daughters last day here not to be remembered for fighting. Like really, what is more important being right, the clothes or their relationship being intact before she left. I have to say I lost it and found myself screaming " One day that is all I ask one day to use self control and make the relationship more important then the crap!!" I have to say I screamed allot as I had enough of the stuff being more important. I was tired of every time my mom speaks it is "My House, My Living Room, My Kitchen, My, My, My or I don't need it so it isn't necessary." I really don't know where we fit in this equation. I don't even think she realizes it. My daughter said later that we see it but Nana doesn't and in her eyes we are the ones abusing her because she doesn't see how she is treating us. She did get a glimpse when she watched our episode of Consumed, but then she chalked it up to editing. My mom went off to her room to pout and my daughter tried apologizing to her and she wouldn't speak to her. My mom was doing what she would normally do, give us the silent treatment. My daughter was crushed and blaming herself. I got even madder at my mom. I started screaming so she could hear as I was talking to my daughter that this was normal my mom would always withdraw from us any once of her. I was tired of her always responding out of anger, resentment and bitterness." I found every thought I had bottled up inside came flowing out as the pressure blew the plug on my emotions. Yes I am a bottler still in my own home, not so much outside  of home now unless it risks my job. I have learned to be free to be me everywhere except at home. I'm finding it is getting harder and harder to play the two rolls of the new me God is creating and the old me that I want to be so free of but am trapped to stay in at home. I posted on Facebook and some dear friends prayed for peace to return to our home and it did.

The day went to fast as time approached and we had to head to the airport so we wouldn't miss my daughters flight to Alberta. We loaded up the car with her three check in bags and her two carry on bags, she had difficulty deciding what she would take and what she would have to leave behind. She was getting flash backs to when she was stripped of everything she had by the Doctor in the hospital, including her clothes and was left with only a hospital gown. She was scared even though she knew it wouldn't happen that she would loose what she left. She said it is like if you lost everything in a fire and then were faced later on with being separated from your stuff and the fear of loosing it again.

We got her to the airport and her flight would be delayed a 1/2 hour, but she would need to clear security first. We gave her our last physical hugs before the glass would separate us. Time went by as we text back and forth. She would now be called to board the plane and the tears started to flow on both sides of the glass. Boy it is hard to type this as the tears swell in my eyes. My Baby Girls plane would leave and my heart sank as I had no assurance that I would ever be able to give her a hug in my arms again, not knowing if this would be the last time I saw her.

My baby girl phoned me when she arrived safe and sound, she said they weren't aloud to take their seat belts off the whole flight as there was bad turbulence.

Sunday morning I awoke to my alarm wondering why I hadn't shut it off. I slowly came alive enough to realize it was Sunday and it was going off for church. We were blessed with enough gas to drive us to church. I was going to re watch the service but will have to wait, as I type this and my mind draws a blank, I am just exhausted. After Church, My son and I went home to pick up my mom as we were invited to an Easter brunch at the seniors home my dad is living and it also was his 83rd Birthday. I had taken my daughter by there the day before to say good bye to her Papa. At the end of the brunch I took my dad's hand to walk him back to the elevator and then to his room. He held on to my hand as if it was for dear life. We left my son and mom in the lobby, my mom was having a hard enough time walking on her own, as her mobility lessons. I got my dad to his room and asked him if I could give him a birthday hug and he agreed. He hugged me as I hugged him and then he wished me a Happy Birthday, I told the Happy Birthday was to him. We said our good byes.

We got home and I could barely keep my eyes open. I did something I have not done since my kids were little, I took a Sunday afternoon nap.

Well I must go for now till the next time I have to write, so Bye for now.