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Wednesday, June 29, 2011

Yesterday's Blessings, That Flowed Into Today!

Yesterday was a day with overflowing Blessings. 

I started yesterday with the news that, even though I applied for Regular EI benefits with an explanation of why I was at this point and not disputing my employers dismissal, I had been accepted into EI with Sickness benefits with no need for the needed Dr.’s note. I was facing the impossible but God made it possible.

 I went to see my Counselor yesterday morning. She had suggested I needed a week sevatical, I told her that even if I could that would be scary, I have never spent time by myself before and I really don’t know who that person is anymore. I lost that person in my childhood and have never had to face that person since. I know this is would be part of the heeling.

We also set up some sinario's of boundaries that I could set up with the people I love and  before I left the counselor she suggested approaching the local art community with my photography & the Art Counsel. I took her suggestion and looked up their website and it is only $15. a year to join the Art Counsel & this opens up allot of opportunities to get my photography out there and the Testimony behind it. The Art Counsel also has a festival coming up at Mill Lake at the end of August and it is $50. for a spot for the three days. I have been speaking with Abbotsford Printing and they suggested starting off with notepads & Greeting Cards & I still have some framed photography & Prints. I am waiting for the pricing to produce these items & praying that they won’t be to expensive.

I feel this will be the start of being able to do the iblong2the3in1 Ministry while supporting my family, I am feeling convicted to use the Testimony of God’s Mercy, Grace, Hope & Comfort he has shown me through everything he has brought me too & through. I am now thinking this is why he gave me the gift of photography & the story behind it as it is opening up doors to share my multitude of testimonies in different areas depending on who he brings into my path. I think I know the Ministry he has brought me to is to let people know that they can have a sense of belonging, through the Gospel of Jesus, no matter what they are facing belief in what Jesus has done for them is the way.

I went to the Dr.’s later on that day and received the results from my Mammogram, Blood Labs and my physical and other than my weight, my Arthritis & the apparent stress I am under I received a perfect bill of health. We are still waiting for the results of the CT. scan I received on Sat., I will cont. to pray for God’s hand in this as well.

Today I had spoken to the Canadian Cancer society as I am planning on donating my hair for wigs for cancer patients and I had already thought of doing it on Aug 20 and I had found out yesterday this would also be one of the days of the Abbotsford Art Counsels Festival. I don't think this was by chance. I told the lady from the C Cancer Society and asked if this would be a problem and she said she didn't see it as a problem as long as I got the Art Counsels permission and that they could supply me with a table wrap and donation boxes and all the stuff needed to help make it an event. She also suggested once I had all of the proposal details and they approved them that I should get in touch with the local radio stations & media centers and let them know what I was doing and they could do a build up to the event, She also said the Art Counsel might even set a time to do the hair cutting on the stage and advertise it for the festival. Ok is God taking me out of my comfort zone and pass my shyness and being in the public eye, this is what my daughter thinks.

Everything is moving so fast and the opportunity to support Cancer and get the gift God gave me out all rapped into one, another example of God taking my prayers & dreams way past my expectations.

I also spoke with a women from a program called Community Futures and she told me because I was on sick benefits I would not qualify for their program to help me start up my business, I know this might sound strange but this was so an answer to prayers as if I cont. with the program agreement that would have me state it would be free of religion and that was making me so uncomfortable as I felt I was being made to choose between what I believe and their help. God delivered me from making that decision and I thank him for that as how could I keep him out of this as this wouldn't be possible with out God.

Thank you Jesus for keeping me humble and when I start getting carried away bringing me back to remembering that I need you and that it is you that gets me through this world to one day be in your court, one day in your house because it is better than being anywhere else. I know Jesus that as I share in your sufferings I also share in your comfort, so that I may comfort those with the comfort you have given me. In Jesus Christ Name Amen.

Sunday, June 26, 2011

Wisdom from the Young and Reminders from the Past

Today when my Son and I drove to Church, my Son said to me " We have gone a month already with no income and it really isn't noticeable, our needs are all being met and we aren't going hungry." We can only come to one conclusion God is taking care of our needs. We have only received one handout since I lost my Job and that was by a dear friends husband who fixed my Mom's cracked shower and wouldn't except payment for it. We have not received any other charity. We though did get the call from the bank saying that we wouldn't have to worry about our mortgage payments until Dec. 22, 2011 and they had over half the money towards the roof, I don't know about you but this doesn't strike me as something a bank generally does. I do believe that God is taking care of our needs. Mathew 6:25-26 

My Son also told me that he had been concerned because before everything we went through I could put most guys to shame with what I could do because I was so strong, but now I was unable to do some of the simple things, by the way if you think you are putting anything past the children in your life your probably not.

We started talking about the fact that I never really slowed down allowing myself to be renewed. I had told him that I didn't stop because it had been drilled into me that if I was idle I was being lazy. My son's response " Mom there is a difference between being lazy and taking a break!" Wisdom of the Young.

While listening to the sermon today at Church, my past thoughts were revisited, on Mark 10:46-52 I was brought back to the moment when God delivered me from the trial that changed my life.

Our Pastor spoke on how Bartimaeus, a blind man was most likely hearing about Jesus healing many and most likely was praying diligently for this healer to come near where he sat to beg for money to survive and when he heard the large crowd and was eventually found out it was Jesus he made a ruckus and the more he was told to shush the louder he got until he was called over to Jesus. The Pastor also mentioned that in Bartimaeus going to Jesus he through off to the side the blanket full of the money on it. How he had called for Jesus with the calling for God. He was healed and left every thing to follow Jesus, who was going to be crucified.

I was brought back to the moment Jesus delivered my family and the healing began, all I wanted then was to give up everything and follow him, I had lost all the desire for the things that once I had thought were necessities in life. I though still had a barrier to following Jesus my families need of me to support them as they weren't with my trust of God's provision for our lives. I felt like Bartimaeus did to through away the things of the past and come follow Jesus what ever that meant. Today listening to the sermon this again has become a very strong feeling a feeling that tears at my heart because I am torn for my love for Jesus and want to leave everything to follow him, but I am faced with the love for my family and not wanting to hurt them and make them feel like I have abandon them.

I prayed back then for God to show me a way that I can follow him with out hurting my family. I know the things that are happening in my life are for a reason and I need to lean not on my understanding and lean on the hope, mercy & grace my Savoir has for me. I know he is working on freeing me from what stands between me and him but it is in his perfect timing. He has a reason for all that he does. God is never changing he is the same today as he was yesterday and will be the same tomorrow, all knowing and all powerful. 

I was brought back tonight to God's note back to me and this is where I need to keep going back to be reminded. I need to keep my focus on Christ Jesus, not how we are going to survive or what I need to do or what others think I just need to keep my eyes on Jesus through that alone I will be delivered from all that I am brought to.

Thank Jesus for everything you have done, thank you for my Sisters & Brothers in Christ that Pray for me as you here their prayers. Thank you for the trials that shape and mold me to who you want me to be. Thank you for your comfort in all my troubles so that I can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort I have received from you. Help me to cont. daily to lean not on my understanding, fill me with the Holy Spirit daily, carry me when I can't carry myself. Use me to show the world your Mercy & Grace, Use me to draw your children home to you. In Jesus Christ Name Amen!

I have a link to the sermon's from my church down the left side, new sermons are posted on the church site usually the following Tuesday. Gospel of Mark is the study we are on right now.

Saturday, June 25, 2011

Today is a New Day

I still struggle with choices & demands in my life, but I am back in my Heavenly Father's arms. The day before my last post I struggled with the constant of being told all the barriers that were possible on any choice I made by my Mom and became very overwhelmed with the feeling that there was no hope. I was dealing with this when I tried to glue my partial of teeth back in my mouth that I was successful in doing the day before as long as I didn't eat with them. I was not successful as they crumbled the rest of the way leaving me no option but go with no top teeth except three back teeth. I felt completely defeated, how would I start a business & approach people with no top teeth as it gives me a lisp and distracts away from what I am trying to say. My being was reduced adding to the poverty of being.

I found as the day proceeded most of my concerns & fears were addressed and the music that played on the radio helped encourage me to press on. I still don't know what direction to go and I don't know if I ever will but I need to force myself to rest in my Father's arms and wait & listen to where he wants me to go.

Ecclesiastes 7:8
Galatians 5:22

after reading Galatians 5:22 I am left with the question is the Holy Spirit teaching me the Fruit of Patience, something I lack dearly.

Thank you Father for your love! Help me not to take so long to learn, please give me the wisdom to stay on the path you have for me, instead of me constantly trying to go on my understanding. In Jesus Christ Name Amen.

Friday, June 24, 2011

Lying to Myself

I sit here typing as tears run down my face as I lie to myself saying I am Ok, because I am not. My physical and emotional body is collapsing against what I am telling it to do, I can't make even the simplistic decision anymore without becoming physically ill...God help me!!

I'm on a round about in my life with many roads that I can turn on to support my family and all I want to do is find the one that said escape & I can't find it. The one that say's the way to a quiet place free of lives demands, the place I found sitting on the floor of the church, at night, in a quiet corner where it was just God and me. I can no longer live up to everyone's expectations, including my own. 

I know in a few minutes I will leave my room back into the world and put back on my mask that said here I am facing the next day the way I'm expected to, while I fight the thoughts in my head that tell me you are a failure, you are lazy, you are good for nothing. You have all these big dreams and ideas but look you have never been able to do anything with them.

I don't know where to go from here except turn on my auto pilot and cont. to put the next foot in front of the next. God carry me please as even my steps become to hard to make. In Jesus Name.

Prayer postponed for house til July 8.

Songs being played on Praise 106.5 as I typed this blog:
Mandisa "Stronger"
Laura Story "Blessings"
Newsboy's "Who"
Tenth Ave North " You are More"

Wednesday, June 22, 2011

Dreamer, Moth and Quick Sand

I have determined that I am a Dreamer with Ideas that grow like the beans stock in Jack and the Bean Stock, because of this I can get carried away really quickly. Growing up I had always had big dreams, my mom can contest to that. I remember as I child asking Santa for what we know as a song by Amy Grant "Grown-Up Christmas List" this song represents that list I wrote to Santa as a child. I have always dreamed of a perfect world with no more pain & suffering, where every child never went hungry, where love never dies.

I have never stopped being a dreamer. I hurt & I am in pain when I see some one suffering or hurting. I can't walk by when there is a need I can help fill. I need to look for ways to serve people no matter where I am. I suffer when I hear people speak down about others.

I was mowing the lawn tonight, on one of our rare sunny day's we have gotten, I was mowing along when I came across a moth, it wouldn't move out of the path of the lawn mower it appeared to be getting caught in the long grass with no way of escape. I thought of this as a representation of life. When I came near to help it, it would show me it's dark plain coloured surface, not willing to show me anymore. I'm much like this when I am out in public and not hiding behind a computer screen. I can see God working on this part of me as I am put more and more into the public eye. I finally with a little time I was able to get the moth to let me pick it up and as I did this I saw what it was hiding a beautiful vibrant with full of colour & beauty.  My Dreams are much like the moth I keep them hidden away to protect myself from failure. I know this is why I live in a life filled with sinking sand as I allow the world around to pull me deeper and deeper as I try to fight my way out and every time I think I'm there I get pulled right back down.

I am going to share with you some of my dreams I haven't been willing to let go of the hope that one day they would no longer be dreams, but reality.

I was given a vision of a Community Therapy Centre in 2008 for the community of Special Needs that would access all of the resources needed & so much more in one place, reachable by anyone no matter what their income. A full Circle of life Therapy Centre.  Everyone was put into place that got this Dream to a complete Business Plan, the only thing missing was the start up money.

I was given a passion to go to Kenya on a Missions trip to eventually go long term and work with children with any challenge they face and give them Hope! The only thing missing is the money to support my family I will leave behind & the money to go over. I still am passionate about doing this one day.

I have a dream that one day there will be a law to protect our health care workers & the patients they serve, by creating mandatory down time that already exists for our commercial truck & bus drivers as well as some rail employees.

These three are my main Dreams in life, I though have to get past reality that I live in poverty and currently don't have a means of income.

I am a dreamer in this area as well as I had this big plan on how to do detailing at home and how perfect it would be until the reality that I am fighting something that has totally zapped my ability to sustain doing detailing full time. I had let this dream grow with all the big ideas to promote it, but now this was a dream of expectations that were not realistic.

I am now working on getting my photography off the ground as this is something that I can do even with the roller coaster of energy and pressure on my head. I have big ideas to produce a line of canvas photo's, Limited Prints, Greeting cards, note pads & books, mugs t-shirts the options are unlimited, but now if I wasn't living in poverty I could just go out and do it. I will have to wait and see how tomorrow goes as I meet with a group called Community Futures that help unemployed people become self employed, we'll see. I'm hoping I can arrange to keep a portion of my sales to Missions as I try to grow this new company.

I'm about to make one dream happen as I prepare to donate my hair for wigs that will be given to cancer patients. I have already grown this into a fundraiser as well. I will be taking a vote: to only take the necessary 12in. to donate off or to donate all my hair and have it all shaved off. Each vote would be a minimum donation of $5. I still have to name this fundraiser to register it with the Canadian Cancer Society & determine a date. I am doing this in memory of a dear friends mother who lost her battle with Cancer last Aug.

My head is already reeling with the possibility of growing this into a larger event, by arranging for the community stage & putting a call out to all the local musicians to donate their time to preform in an open air concert for cancer. I also had the idea of inviting all the local artisans to sell their wares with a donation for doing so going to the Canadian Cancer Society. I would also like to approach local grocers and restraunts to set up a community BQ with donations going to the Cancer society. Making this a Community event I know is a dream because my shyness and my lack of confidence would probably stand in the way but I will still be a dreamer with hope that all things are possible to those who believe.

My biggest dream in my life is to follow Jesus with nothing that would stand in the way of doing this, I believe one day!!!

Father thank you for allowing me to be a dreamer, please father help me to not waist the dreams you have put on my heart. Help me to make them a reality but most of all let your will be done.

Monday, June 20, 2011

Confusion, Spilling It, Thoughts

After my last post, I was driving around with my Mom and my children in our van. I don't remember what started the conversation, I am pretty sure it was about our finances. I had mentioned that maybe once we got the house fixed we should sell it as we seem to be stretched to the max and that stress probably is what is wearing on the stress in the house. My Mom lost it, She yelled that she wasn't to blame and fine we could sell the house and we could go out and rent two shacks one for her to live in one for me. How she had rescued us all those years ago and now this, I was left with the impression that the hand she held out to the kids & I all those years ago came at a life cost. Me and the kids really didn't know what had just happened as I wasn't attacking her I was just looking for a solution to our situation (My Mom's stress level I seem to feed on and it stresses me out).

My kids tried to explain that this was not what I was saying and then I Spilled it. I told her the only place I actually feel my space to live in is my room, in the house. I also told her that the desires I have to live conflict with hers. I also told her I wasn't ready to retire, I was only in my 40's and that I still wanted to live. She kept coming back that she was in her sixties and she wasn't interested in it and I could do what ever I wanted outside the house and I had no need to bring it home. I told her that I didn't feel like I had a home, my home consisted of the four walls of my bedroom and that was it. The van became dead silent, no other word was said. We arrived home and she went strait in her room and shut the door. I know this stage of our disagreements really well I call it the silent treatment when she acts like we don't even exist.

My kids went down stairs to go play my son's new PS3 his Dad bought him for Grad. I went to my room for a bit to work on my son's Grad pictures. The silence got louder and louder until I needed to go for a walk so I took my camera and I told my kids I was going for a walk and I would be back later. I figured it was time to spend with Jesus and I guess he figured this was a good thing and after 2 pictures being taken my batteries died in my camera and I now was alone with no distractions to spend time with Jesus. I asked if there was any way to restore peace to our house. I started thinking about Grad and how the questions were fuel and a light bulb went off, was my Mom running through all the doubts, questions and fears in her head, were they fueling a seed of fear and insecurity could this be the cause of the out burst. I felt like I was being given wisdom into what was going on.

I headed in the direction of home as I couldn't wander any longer. I got home to my Mom still in her room with her door shut. I went on Facebook and when the window opened, right in front of me was a friend asking if anyone needed a TV. Wow talk about bringing peace back in the house quickly, my Mom had been angry since her TV broke and now I was being offered to come get a TV and only had to pay what I could afford and if that was nothing that was ok. Thank you Jesus! We went straight over and picked it up and thanked her profusely. My Mom came out of her room and no more has been mentioned about what was said in the car and my Mom is speaking to us again and watching her TV.

Father's day came and my children wanted to go see Papa as they weren't here for the dark memories of the past and only remember the sweet old man they call Papa. We took them to see their Papa and we all wished him a Happy Father's Day. I faced my fear of seeing him in the setting he is in and it was not bad.

Drove my daughter to the camp she volunteers at all summer. We left early so we could stop at the Provincial Park's on the way so we could spend time together and take pictures. We got a chuckle at one of the parks as we looked for a place we could take the dog with us.
My daughter calls this an Epicly failed sign.

I dropped my daughter off at camp and then drove home stopping by another park on the way. I am so happy that our BC, Canada removed the parking fee from their parks I can actually afford to stop now.

I learned a lesson today on how to motivate you to not procrastinate on the things that need to be finished in the house from what the film crew left us. Invite the Church into your home to pray over it, house gets finished much faster. Amazing what company can do.

Ok some of you might be asking "Prayer over the house?" I have been feeling the need to have our house prayed over after all the weird stuff that had gone on in our house with Spiritual Warfare and then the designer flipping the paint fan deck out and telling me think of it as if I was fanning out my taro cards, that just creped me out after what we had experienced. I know it is out of the realm of norm for most, as well as me but at this point I look at it as I rather have the prayer done and nothing happen than not have it done and wondering if I should have.

I had a talk with my daughter about inviting the Church, in in this matter. She told me she is not there yet in her faith. She also told me that she had been speaking to a friend and they use to be on a team that prayed over houses and some really weird stuff can happen, as if there is a demonic presence a battle can ensue, slamming doors ext. ok I never thought about the reaction to pushing out demonic stuff I was only getting use to the reality that it truly exists. We will see what happens when they come on Friday, I am not sure if it is except-able to open the door to anyone from the Church body who would like to come and pray, but if you are interested you can email me and I can ask as this is all part of a learning curve for me.

I'm finding there are allot of things I still have to learn about the Church as I went to only the second congregational meeting I have attended at the church and I really don't know how these meetings work or what the elders rolls are in the Church, this weighed on filling out ballots excepting or rejecting new elder nominees as how can you vote for something you don't understand.

Well at this meeting a member of the congregation spoke on a subject and I felt the same conviction to speak that the Holy Spirit gives me that is not relieved until I do, so I went to the front to speak on what was said. I spoke, the applauded and I can tell you I don't remember anything I said, this always happens when I am convicted to speak, I can't figure that one out either.

Tonight I am looking into plan B of employment as I love Photography & I love designing. I was told I should go for it and become a Graphic Designer and now that I think about it, this would be something I could do that my health would not put a road block on. Please Pray for me, for discernment, something I think God is still trying to teach me that I don't seem to get.

I am being reassured by my prayer counselor and the body of Christ that God brings us to a resting spot where we just wait because he has something coming for my life he has planned. I believe this as other than the not knowing how to have idle hands, I am at total piece with where I'm at.

Thank you Father for this day, please keep us safe in your arms. In Jesus Christ Name Amen.

Saturday, June 18, 2011

I Write This the Day after Grad

Yesterday was a day full of busyness, frustration anger, sadness tears excitement & joy.

The night before yesterday my sister phoned and my mom and her made arrangements. I was very frustrated over this as the arrangements were made that on the day of my son's grad, a day I had planned to do stuff for my son, my mom and I would run around taking my sister to get her lunch out, take her to dialysis, run to the auction house that we sent a bunch of stuff to to pick up a cheque, then we would (do the only thing I needed to go out for) pick up my son's grad present. I became frustrated and angry over this as like any time they make plans that involve me I'm never consulted and there is no respect in the fact I may have already had plans, the assumption is that it doesn't matter I would just have to drop it all. I don't know if I am being selfish but I wanted my son's grad day to be a focus on him.

I grew up with my sisters needs always being number one on my families priority list. My brother came in second, me I'm just me. My sister was always my Grandparents favorite child and they made no bones of expressing that. My brother was my Mom's favorite child and she as well never made bones of expressing it. I was always the loner, I can remember wanting to be ill because I thought in my warped child's mind that this was how you got noticed in my family.

The night before Grad I finally told my Mom how I felt. I told her I was tired of my sister being put first in everything (not my sisters fault she was raised to be this way) and as long as she was taken care of nobody else mattered. Yes I was angry & hurt when I was saying these things. She mentioned in one part of the conversation that I couldn't say the same about my brother and I turned it around to say that was by choice as he has removed himself from the family.

Grad day we were driving around full filling my mom & sisters arrangements. My sister we had already dropped off at the dialysis unit and I was driving. I was telling my mom how bad the pressure was on my head and how I was feeling really sick and before I finished what I was saying she started talking. She asked if we had decided where and if we could get a new lamp for her TV. I turned around and told her my point of last night was made.

I am finding myself feeling trapped in my families wants and desires for the future. I don't feel that these are plans to live, they are plans to get up in the morning do your day as normal to go to bed and start all over. I have much bigger desires in my heart, desires to go out into the world and make change, standing up for what is right, advocating for those in need, researching facts to base arguments on to fight for just causes. Being  
able to create fair and just laws and policies. Searching peoples gifts not their flaws. Being able to openly practice the faith God has given me.I don't just want to exist, I want to live. My son had written something on his words as he crossed the stage something that I feel is true beyond our need for God. "The secret to life is to live." Have any of us found this, I pray we do.

Well the hours of the day went by and we came to the hour where my Ex had arranged with my son to take him and his sister to dinner and that he would take him to Grad. I was so hurt by this as he ad done this with my daughter as well, no thought of what it means. Taking your child to grad is what you work towards all their school years a symbol of the end of an era in your child's life, this was what I had so looked forward to all these years, this was what I fought for them. I was hurt when I couldn't take my daughter and her Dad monopolized her time. He came in at the very last moment of her life before she started the new chapter in it and stole the show.

 History was being repeated again this year, a year that had even more to it than just the Graduation. We were to celebrate the fact that my son like the bumble be that by all science should not to be able to fly, our son had done the same. 

I started getting into resentment and anger towards my Ex husband. I started asking questions that would only add fuel to the fire inside of me, was I letting the devils schemes get a hold of me as he grew the seed of anger inside of me. I asked ok where was he when they wouldn't allow our son to go to school, was he there fighting for him, No. Where was he when I had the fight to figure out why our son was different than other kids and that he wasn't doing these behaviors just to pick people off. Where was he when our son was needing the extra time to learn things that came easy to everyone else. Where was he when our son came home from being bullied or the school was saying it wasn't it was just his prospective because of his Autism. I don't know how a kid could say to your son, who was to young to understand what it meant, "You and your mom get naked between the sheets" would be nothing but an Autistic prospective. Where was he to fight for his son's rights. 

I prayed to God to take my thoughts captive and give me peace so that I wouldn't be the one to ruin my son's big day. God started replacing the thoughts in my head. I started thinking no matter how today turned out with my Ex, no one could take away the last 18yrs of watching my children grow into the adults they are turning into today. All the memories started flooding back of all the things my children had overcome in these 18yrs., their accomplishments, how they are able to be free thinkers & individuals and nothing would ever take that away.

I watched my son yesterday walk a stage I was told when he was nine I would grieve, yesterday instead of grieving we were celebrating the perseverance and hard work my son had done to get this far, with the support of all the people God had placed in his path to help grow his life.

Father I thank you for the gift you gave me the day you blessed me with my son, he has taught me so much over the years. I know that we are reaching the moment in time where you ask for him to be placed back in your arms so you may shape him to the plans you have for his life. I ask you Father to put a hedge of protection around him & keep him safe. Guide his footsteps & help him to make the right choices as he moves forward in his live. In Jesus Precious Name Amen. 

Thursday, June 16, 2011

Today, June 16/11

Where shall I start?

Yesterday I found out my dad was moved into a local care home from New West. I am now having to admit to myself that I liked the distance I once had from where my dad & I lived. I use to have the excuse of distance & time as a reason not to see him. I know this sounds horrible but you see my dad really hasn't been a real part of my life for a very long time.

Fathers Day is coming up and all the greeting cards come out like they always do with the wonderful verses saying thank you dad for being there for me growing up or I remember tossing the ball with you or some other verse. Growing up finding a Father's day card was always the hardest thing, next to going to Church on Father's day and seeing all the tributes to these dad's I wished were mine. My memories of my Dad consist of remembering being scared. I can remember my Dad taking the metal buckle of his belt down my brothers spine. I also can remember after he was removed from our home the court ordering my Mom to take us to visit my Dad in River View ( a mental institution). I remember at the age of seven walking through the ward to my Dad and saying hi to him, to having him scream at the nurses to get us out of there because he didn't know who we were. I can remember my brother moving out & my Sister Getting married and the wedding being the last time I saw my Dad for years.

I don't know about going to see my Dad now. I feel torn between the love I have for my Dad & the memories of my Dad growing up.

Today my Ex-husband arrived in town for our Son's Graduation tomorrow, this will be the first time our Son has seen him since his Sister Graduated last year. I hope all goes well tomorrow and I don't get shoved out of the way this year like last and that we can berry the hatched for one day, because I have gone from a person that lets everything go by to one that speaks up and I am trying to find the balance. I talked to my Ex on the phone tonight and I could feel an anger build up in me, an anger that is based on a couple of things. One, I hate that he doesn't know his own kids what their likes are and that he doesn't think they have a mind of their own. He figures I am the puppet master when it comes to our kids and doesn't acknowledge their Independence and ability to think for themselves. He doesn't realize when he tells the kids I have messed up their lives that he is indirectly telling the kids he doesn't like how they turned out and I have heard the tears of my child.  Second thing, I am a bit selfish in this one as I resent the fact that he has done nothing to help raise these kids but he rides in like a black knight riding in to steal the day, he did it with our daughters Grad and I can see him trying with this one and it makes me angry.

My Son brought home his Cap & Gown yesterday. Today was the mad rush before he has to return it tomorrow to take his portrait as like his Sisters Grad Pictures I can not afford to purchase them from the photographer so I attempt to do my best to take the myself. This is where I pray for a better camera to take these kind of pictures.

This is my camera that I use to take all of my pictures. My Mom was kind enough to give it to me when she bought a new one a few years back.
Here are a few of the Portraits I have taken of my Son in his cap & gown.

Today  I also started with the pressure on my head and it has been so intense, the vertigo & subsequent  nausea becomes unbearable. I find when it is like this my patients level is nil and void. I find myself short tempered and I don't like it. I become a person I don't like. I pray the Dr. finds out what is going on in my head. He is sending me for a CT scan of the back of my head  in just over a week and hopefully it comes with answers.

I have to admit the head pressure mixed with my Mom's TV breaking down & her subsequent frustration & anger about loosing as she calls it her only sense of entertainment & then talking with my Ex made for a stress filled night, but it ended with a story of a city showing its support & love to clean up a city that a few had put a blanket of shame over, Vancouver. I felt great Joy knowing that the community that was pulled together by a tragedy.

Father I thank you for being that Father I always dreamed of, showing me your unconditional Love. Please Father help me to be slow to temper & quick to Love. Please take captive my thoughts and guide my footsteps. In Jesus Christ Name Amen.

Sunday, June 12, 2011

The Big Call, Graduation, and God's Truths, We Do not Always Want to Here.

Friday morning I woke early as normal, this left plenty of time before the MP would phone me. I would also have plenty of time for my nerves to get the best of me, oh did I get a stomach ache. I went on Facebook and put a call out for prayer: "Prayers please as I have a call set up this morning to speak with an MP back east in 50 min. about our health care and I so want God to take over the conversation and for his will to be done through it."

9 am finally arrived & the phone rang. I answered it and this voice came over the phone that sounded just as nerves as I was, she had not had the chance to prepare for the call as she usually did. We started talking and it came very apparent by how easily the conversation flowed that this was definitely a 100% God steered conversation. I was shocked as the MP kept on thanking me for taking the time and doing the leg work, this felt very strange as I really didn't make any effort as everything had just fallen into place. The MP was enthusiastic and told me that she wanted to now approach this internationally to get their feed back to see if anyone had approached this before. Wow talk about God taking my Prayer and taking it way past my expectations, Wow. The Mp also mentioned that she would register it into the library of parliament & discuss it with her colleges and so much more. During our conversation when the Mp brought up that back where she lives some of the Health Care workers would have to drive more than an hour after working those long shifts & she wondered if it was the same out here. God used that moment to bring up a memory, a memory of long ago, as I told her it was the same out here. I told her I can remember back when I was much younger having to stop after watching a car go into the ditch. A gentleman & I had to pull a lady out of the ditch. The lady was a nurse she had just finished a long shift and had fallen asleep at the wheel. I also told her the sad part about that is that nothing really has changed over the years. The MP I was talking to was also a doctor, who use to be a family practitioner that use to deliver babies and when her husband put together a slide for her 50th there was pictures of her holding the new babies with the new parents and she said she could see the exhaustion in her face. You see babies don't have a schedule when they are going to come and she would deliver them at all hours and then would get up the next morning as usual and start the days of appointments. God so ruled that conversation.

Graduation is such a time of Celebration, but this one was a little extra special as my baby boy that I was told when he was diagnosed at the age of 9 I would grieve the milestones that he wouldn't share with his peers when He was diagnosed with HFA/ADHD, is about to graduate with his peers. My son has overcome many challenges to get to this point. He was not aloud to attend more than 2.5 hrs of school a day until Grade 6, do to his Autism. During grade 9, he managed to get on the honour roll at school and by grade 11 he was on the foot ball team. I look back at this journey he has been on and so see God's hand in it, with all the supports & people God has brought into his life, even if just for a brief moment, to nurture the seed inside of my son to let 
it grow into the man he is today. I Praise God for my son's life!

Today at Church our Pastor had to preach on the next part of Mark (Mark 10:1-12), we have been going through the book of  Mark from the beginning, this is a subject that can be very controversial Divorce. I was so glad he didn't shy away from this subject like most do. I have bee n divorced now for around 18yrs and I truly didn't understand the true weight of the verse 7-9, I know have witnessed to this verse as for almost all of those 18 yrs. my soul was hemorrhaging from the separation of our marriage. I had not realized why the great impact, why no matter how hard I tried I could not separate myself from caring and feeling connected to my ex-husband, no time would heal the deep connection. I now know why after attending prayer counseling and now hearing this passage why it was so difficult. When you are married God  takes your two souls & through his holy power makes them united into one and this is why he states in the Bible that "therefore what God joined together, let no one separate." He states this because the only one who can remove the tie of the souls when one man is joined in marriage to one women is God himself. When we commit to marriage we do not really take the time to understand this commitment in its fullest and I think if I had to do it over again with the knowledge God has given me now I would think long and hard before making this commitment and would have to be ready to except any and all of what this commitment to marriage means. 

Our Pastor also mentioned the overview of the whole book of Mark and what it represents and as he mentioned this I felt like I had a light bulb go off in my head, one of those aha moments. Mark 8:34 talks about denying yourself to follow Christ and I think this might have been a light bulb moment of understanding.
What I heard was we must deny ourselves meaning that we are at war fighting a battle with in ourselves on a daily basis between us & our walk to follow Jesus. When Jesus states to deny ourselves I think he is talking about our plans and thoughts that take our focus away from focusing on him and that we need to deny these thoughts and follow his direction for our lives, by taking up our crosses and making ourselves living sacrifices to follow him.

I really feel the Holy Spirit is calling me to quit making plans for my future and to only focus on today as I keep on being brought back to Mathew 6:34, this making plans I think is what God is asking me to deny myself on right now. I am not finding this an easy thing to do as I am a type of person that needs to know the beginning end & middle of everything I do. 

Father thank you for your truths that you give me in your word. Help me to not pass over the parts of your word that make me squirm in my seat with discomfort. Please Father give me the strength & desire to deny myself on a daily basis. Father I am weak and I stumble help me to follow you faithfully. In Jesus Christ Name Amen.

Wednesday, June 8, 2011

Wow, What a Fast Pace Exciting Day!

I went out this morning to my appointment to see a Carrier Counselor and I told him about all the things I was bouncing around in my head about detailing & skills training and all the things that would bring him into what surrounded me leaving my past employer. He was excited about what I had thought about around becoming self employed and thought this was a great idea & the best option and that he was referring me to a program that would walk along side of me and support me to get it started up. He also mentioned do to the new program through EI it can be used to help me towards becoming self employed and the Government has grants and that to help.

I felt like God was taking his foot behind me and pushing me through so no hesitation could stay a hold of me, it looks like self employment here I come..wow talk about an obvious open door.

I called my mom when I was done and she told me that I had received a call while I was out. My heart dropped when she told me it was from the MP's office back east arranging to set up my call with the MP who is trying to put forward a Canadian Health Act. I will be receiving a call from the MP Friday morning my time. Wow everything is moving forward quite quickly. Please pray for God's will in this phone call, please.

I waited till it was time to go to the Dr.'s in the parking lot & read my Bible while I was waiting, Psalm 18, Wow God I so Love you! You are my Strength, you are my fortress, you are my Redeemer, and most of all Jesus you are my Savior!!

I went into my new Dr's office and explained to him all that was going on. He is sending me for a CT. scan for the back of my head & a hole whack of blood tests, some I have had before and a bunch I haven't had, like kidney & liver function & B12 levels and a bunch more, a very long list. I have determined if this Dr. can't figured out its not for the lack of trying. I feel very safe with this Dr. & he gives me the feeling of being able to trust him.

We also heard from the bank. The Lady from the bank has arranged it so we don't have to worry about our mortgage payment for the next 6 months & we almost have enough to almost do the whole roof by taking a small advancement out of the equity in our house. We will have to make a small payment towards it for the first 6 months and after that it will double until it is payed back.

Oh, Father thank you for showing me you were with me all day today and showing me in a very obvious way that you are in control of my life, for the obvious open door & that I can trust in you through all things even when I don't understand. Father forgive me for my doubts. You tell us do not worry, help us Father to believe to the deepest parts of our souls, help us come and lean on you and sing your praises in times of trouble. Please also help us run to you in celebration of your greatness in the times of calm. Thank you for this day! In Jesus Christ Name Amen!

Monday, June 6, 2011

Doing the right thing, Prayer, Warfare, & Answers?

Over this last few days I was faced with making a decision. I was encouraged that I could contest my dismissal from work as I would be able to collect 6 weeks of severance pay. I would have to challenge my employer, something deep inside me didn't feel comfortable with this, apart of me also didn't feel comfortable not to fight for everything I would need to support my family as needs were definitely there.

 I felt this need to sit and wait and not hastily rush into anything. I kept praying for direction and finally asked God yesterday to make the doors that were opening to be as obvious as the one closed.

I woke this morning and was playing on the computer and a thought came to mind to Google severance pay, I came across the government sight on this and it was written clearly that if an employer has grounds for dismissal, such as absenteeism, no severance pay need to be paid. God had given me the evidence to back the feelings I had deep inside that it was not the right thing to go after my employer. How could it be right to go after an employer who stretched as far as they could to support me during one of the most horrific times in my family & my lives. I need to do the right thing by letting this go even though it isn't the most beneficial thing for my family, but it is the right thing to do.

I went to counselling today and she noticed how tired I looked, I had to explain & face what I was telling her, that my body was finally fighting back & that I am weak. I also had to face that I was afraid, I wasn't afraid of being sick I was afraid of what it meant. I would have to find some way to find some way of trusting a medical community I had absolutely no trust left in, I would have to trust them with the fear that unlike my daughter who I fought for I had no one I could trust to fight for me if I found myself in a similar situation.

We prayed over this and for healing and as the counselor was praying for God to remove me from these concerns & fears, as my eyes were closed, I could see this bright yellow glow and I could feel it one by one take something and get farther & farther away and when the bright yellow glow was out of sight it would start over and over again until it finally stopped & I felt lighter. The Counselor started praying for healing on the areas of concern. She reached the point of the pressure on my head and put her hand over it and started praying with her fingers circling over the area and as she did this the pressure became more intense as time past until her hand left then it evened out. I was left with th Question was this a physical ailment or could this be spiritual warfare as heaviness accompanied the pressure. She asked him to speak to me and I heard a voice telling me I can trust in him. I knew God was telling me to trust him over it all including the Dr.'s.

I told the Counselor that I know this must sound strange but I know my Job is done with my Kids as the last one graduates, I love them but I know it was time to put them back in God's hands and that is where they are.   I know it shouldn't be that easy as people keep on telling me but I am at total peace with it because where is a better place for my kids to be but in God's hands.

I also told her that I really want to go back to school and go to seminary. I want to know everything about my Father. I also told her if it was only me I wouldn't care if I lived in a car or a tent if it meant I could spend the rest of my life seeking out who my God was & following him, nothing else matters anymore.

I left her office as she told me I could call her if I needed to. I got into the vehicle and I felt my chest in pain and I prayed God what are you wanting me to do am I suppose to detail because of all this health issues I just don't know, because yesterday I spoke with a gentlemen I know who owns a company that he suggested could maybe work together with my detailing.

Later today we waited for a gentleman from the Auction house who was going to pick up some of the stuff we were purging from the house that could be auctioned off to get money towards the roof & furnace. We ended up talking and he thought he might know someone that could use my services as he really didn't like detailing up the vehicles & I had the impression these were the vehicles possibly for auction. I don't know is this God opening up a door he wants me to go through even though I am fighting medical stuff or is this satin trying to lead me away with the temptation of this worlds need for money.

How do I know Father how come everything always seems complicated. Father help me to understand what you are calling me to do, all I want is to follow you. All I want is for your will to be done. I feel like there is a battle raging inside me Father. Search me from the inside out Father & remove anything that is not of you. I give you my body as a living sacrifice Father, let your will be done. In Jesus Christ Name Amen.

Sunday, June 5, 2011

Admitting to Myself

I sit here with a chance to get to know who I am, not the person who I want to be.

 I have to admit to myself that I am weak and only through Jesus Christ do I have the strength to stand.

 I have to admit I am not the most patient person when it comes to waiting, as God asks me to wait upon him. I have to admit I don't have all the answers even though I so want to have them, as God ask me to not live my life through my understanding but through trust & faith in him. I have to admit I am scared of the unknown & I try to put names on things to make it easier, rather than wait. I have to admit that I am drawn to the social guidelines and expectations of this world because they are easy and expected & I am afraid to let go of control.

I am finding that I love to detail because of what I get out of it. I get the self gratification of the before & after effect. When I detail for someone, I make it look as good as it can, but the motivation I am finding is to get the positive feedback that makes me feel good inside, am I still searching for acceptance. I finding I need that positive feedback, I almost starve for it. Why??

I have to admit that I am broken and in need of deliverance from all of this by my Saviour.

I am having to admit to myself that there is something going on in my body right now as I am fighting with limitations that were never an issue before. I need to press on I can't let my family down they are depending on me to support them.

I have to admit I really want to learn more about the bible on a deeper level, I am still being drawn to seminary but I know my family won't except this and there is no way I could afford to do this. Why can't I just get this out of my head, as it will take a miracle to happen.

I have to admit could this be another battle of spiritual warfare.

God I asked you when I needed direction to slam the doors that needed slammed, God please make the open door as obvious. God please forgive me. God give me the strength to press on as my body is fighting me. God thank you for the communication that is being opened up with the appropriate officials to advocate for mandatory down time for our health care workers, as I witness you open doors I never thought possible. Father please put a hedge of protection around me and all those around me. God if nothing else let your will be done in my life. In Jesus Name Amen.

Wednesday, June 1, 2011

Just About A Week Has Past Since The Door Closed

Well it is almost a week since the door closed at my job of 5 yrs. I have no doubt what so ever that this door was one of the doors God closed, because to be truthfully honest the circumstances behind the termination from my job is not the norm.

When I was terminated I was given two letters when I was terminated. One stating the termination due to absences with a thank you for my contribution to the company and the second letter was congratulations on my 5 yrs. "Nicki, I appreciate your hard work and dedication to the organization, your role in Sales & Service is very important and does not go unnoticed. Thank you and we look forward to many more years together." You starting to notice. I also didn't realize it but I had received a raise less than a month before my termination. In my mind, I have no doubt that this is God at work.

I met this week with a Charter Accountant that volunteers his services through Church referrals to those in need. I explained my termination since we booked the appointment. We were going to him to help form a healthy budget that would stop us from continually be in financial crisis when emergencies come up, like the roof & the furnace we now need to replace. He told as we have no movable income except for our house and we could sell the house and rent, that would be an option, my Mom hit the roof. Renting to condense what she said is not an option.

I explained to him that I have everything at home to detail that I had at work except the building & he liked my idea. He said that he could help me with a business plan, and in the long term I could be better off than I was at my job. He also told me that Employment Insurance has programs that could help me to learn the business end.

I made up some business cards,


to start. I went to Well Spring Counseling as the Church recommended I returned to deal with the next stumbling block and Laurel encouraged me with detailing & took several cards to pass out to all the people her & her husband know with RV's, exciting that the word is getting out about the detailing.

My Hope for this is when it gets going I can reach out to the homeless shelters, Income assistance, and those who don't qualify for assistance and teach them a skill they can use.

God has given me clear direction now and I will be using the detailing to support my family & eventually an out reach to those in need. My Photography God gave me as a gift will cont. to be used to fundraiser for Missions to get the word out of the Love Jesus has for the world.
I have also created a new business card for the ministry and it is two sided.


I am so full of Joy & peace right now that it is unexplainable, except for God's hand in my life right now. God told me I would be Ok because I was with him. I have never felt so safe in my whole entire life.

Father thank you for providing our daily bread, thank you for helping me to forgive those who trespass against me, Father forgive me for my trespasses, Cont. to fill me with your Holy Spirit daily, Father I praise you for all you have done in my life. In Jesus Name Amen.