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Thursday, June 16, 2011

Today, June 16/11

Where shall I start?

Yesterday I found out my dad was moved into a local care home from New West. I am now having to admit to myself that I liked the distance I once had from where my dad & I lived. I use to have the excuse of distance & time as a reason not to see him. I know this sounds horrible but you see my dad really hasn't been a real part of my life for a very long time.

Fathers Day is coming up and all the greeting cards come out like they always do with the wonderful verses saying thank you dad for being there for me growing up or I remember tossing the ball with you or some other verse. Growing up finding a Father's day card was always the hardest thing, next to going to Church on Father's day and seeing all the tributes to these dad's I wished were mine. My memories of my Dad consist of remembering being scared. I can remember my Dad taking the metal buckle of his belt down my brothers spine. I also can remember after he was removed from our home the court ordering my Mom to take us to visit my Dad in River View ( a mental institution). I remember at the age of seven walking through the ward to my Dad and saying hi to him, to having him scream at the nurses to get us out of there because he didn't know who we were. I can remember my brother moving out & my Sister Getting married and the wedding being the last time I saw my Dad for years.

I don't know about going to see my Dad now. I feel torn between the love I have for my Dad & the memories of my Dad growing up.

Today my Ex-husband arrived in town for our Son's Graduation tomorrow, this will be the first time our Son has seen him since his Sister Graduated last year. I hope all goes well tomorrow and I don't get shoved out of the way this year like last and that we can berry the hatched for one day, because I have gone from a person that lets everything go by to one that speaks up and I am trying to find the balance. I talked to my Ex on the phone tonight and I could feel an anger build up in me, an anger that is based on a couple of things. One, I hate that he doesn't know his own kids what their likes are and that he doesn't think they have a mind of their own. He figures I am the puppet master when it comes to our kids and doesn't acknowledge their Independence and ability to think for themselves. He doesn't realize when he tells the kids I have messed up their lives that he is indirectly telling the kids he doesn't like how they turned out and I have heard the tears of my child.  Second thing, I am a bit selfish in this one as I resent the fact that he has done nothing to help raise these kids but he rides in like a black knight riding in to steal the day, he did it with our daughters Grad and I can see him trying with this one and it makes me angry.

My Son brought home his Cap & Gown yesterday. Today was the mad rush before he has to return it tomorrow to take his portrait as like his Sisters Grad Pictures I can not afford to purchase them from the photographer so I attempt to do my best to take the myself. This is where I pray for a better camera to take these kind of pictures.

This is my camera that I use to take all of my pictures. My Mom was kind enough to give it to me when she bought a new one a few years back.
Here are a few of the Portraits I have taken of my Son in his cap & gown.

Today  I also started with the pressure on my head and it has been so intense, the vertigo & subsequent  nausea becomes unbearable. I find when it is like this my patients level is nil and void. I find myself short tempered and I don't like it. I become a person I don't like. I pray the Dr. finds out what is going on in my head. He is sending me for a CT scan of the back of my head  in just over a week and hopefully it comes with answers.

I have to admit the head pressure mixed with my Mom's TV breaking down & her subsequent frustration & anger about loosing as she calls it her only sense of entertainment & then talking with my Ex made for a stress filled night, but it ended with a story of a city showing its support & love to clean up a city that a few had put a blanket of shame over, Vancouver. I felt great Joy knowing that the community that was pulled together by a tragedy.

Father I thank you for being that Father I always dreamed of, showing me your unconditional Love. Please Father help me to be slow to temper & quick to Love. Please take captive my thoughts and guide my footsteps. In Jesus Christ Name Amen.

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