Over this last few days I was faced with making a decision. I was encouraged that I could contest my dismissal from work as I would be able to collect 6 weeks of severance pay. I would have to challenge my employer, something deep inside me didn't feel comfortable with this, apart of me also didn't feel comfortable not to fight for everything I would need to support my family as needs were definitely there.
I felt this need to sit and wait and not hastily rush into anything. I kept praying for direction and finally asked God yesterday to make the doors that were opening to be as obvious as the one closed.
I woke this morning and was playing on the computer and a thought came to mind to Google severance pay, I came across the government sight on this and it was written clearly that if an employer has grounds for dismissal, such as absenteeism, no severance pay need to be paid. God had given me the evidence to back the feelings I had deep inside that it was not the right thing to go after my employer. How could it be right to go after an employer who stretched as far as they could to support me during one of the most horrific times in my family & my lives. I need to do the right thing by letting this go even though it isn't the most beneficial thing for my family, but it is the right thing to do.
I went to counselling today and she noticed how tired I looked, I had to explain & face what I was telling her, that my body was finally fighting back & that I am weak. I also had to face that I was afraid, I wasn't afraid of being sick I was afraid of what it meant. I would have to find some way to find some way of trusting a medical community I had absolutely no trust left in, I would have to trust them with the fear that unlike my daughter who I fought for I had no one I could trust to fight for me if I found myself in a similar situation.
We prayed over this and for healing and as the counselor was praying for God to remove me from these concerns & fears, as my eyes were closed, I could see this bright yellow glow and I could feel it one by one take something and get farther & farther away and when the bright yellow glow was out of sight it would start over and over again until it finally stopped & I felt lighter. The Counselor started praying for healing on the areas of concern. She reached the point of the pressure on my head and put her hand over it and started praying with her fingers circling over the area and as she did this the pressure became more intense as time past until her hand left then it evened out. I was left with th Question was this a physical ailment or could this be spiritual warfare as heaviness accompanied the pressure. She asked him to speak to me and I heard a voice telling me I can trust in him. I knew God was telling me to trust him over it all including the Dr.'s.
I told the Counselor that I know this must sound strange but I know my Job is done with my Kids as the last one graduates, I love them but I know it was time to put them back in God's hands and that is where they are. I know it shouldn't be that easy as people keep on telling me but I am at total peace with it because where is a better place for my kids to be but in God's hands.
I also told her that I really want to go back to school and go to seminary. I want to know everything about my Father. I also told her if it was only me I wouldn't care if I lived in a car or a tent if it meant I could spend the rest of my life seeking out who my God was & following him, nothing else matters anymore.
I left her office as she told me I could call her if I needed to. I got into the vehicle and I felt my chest in pain and I prayed God what are you wanting me to do am I suppose to detail because of all this health issues I just don't know, because yesterday I spoke with a gentlemen I know who owns a company that he suggested could maybe work together with my detailing.
Later today we waited for a gentleman from the Auction house who was going to pick up some of the stuff we were purging from the house that could be auctioned off to get money towards the roof & furnace. We ended up talking and he thought he might know someone that could use my services as he really didn't like detailing up the vehicles & I had the impression these were the vehicles possibly for auction. I don't know is this God opening up a door he wants me to go through even though I am fighting medical stuff or is this satin trying to lead me away with the temptation of this worlds need for money.
How do I know Father how come everything always seems complicated. Father help me to understand what you are calling me to do, all I want is to follow you. All I want is for your will to be done. I feel like there is a battle raging inside me Father. Search me from the inside out Father & remove anything that is not of you. I give you my body as a living sacrifice Father, let your will be done. In Jesus Christ Name Amen.
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