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Sunday, June 5, 2011

Admitting to Myself

I sit here with a chance to get to know who I am, not the person who I want to be.

 I have to admit to myself that I am weak and only through Jesus Christ do I have the strength to stand.

 I have to admit I am not the most patient person when it comes to waiting, as God asks me to wait upon him. I have to admit I don't have all the answers even though I so want to have them, as God ask me to not live my life through my understanding but through trust & faith in him. I have to admit I am scared of the unknown & I try to put names on things to make it easier, rather than wait. I have to admit that I am drawn to the social guidelines and expectations of this world because they are easy and expected & I am afraid to let go of control.

I am finding that I love to detail because of what I get out of it. I get the self gratification of the before & after effect. When I detail for someone, I make it look as good as it can, but the motivation I am finding is to get the positive feedback that makes me feel good inside, am I still searching for acceptance. I finding I need that positive feedback, I almost starve for it. Why??

I have to admit that I am broken and in need of deliverance from all of this by my Saviour.

I am having to admit to myself that there is something going on in my body right now as I am fighting with limitations that were never an issue before. I need to press on I can't let my family down they are depending on me to support them.

I have to admit I really want to learn more about the bible on a deeper level, I am still being drawn to seminary but I know my family won't except this and there is no way I could afford to do this. Why can't I just get this out of my head, as it will take a miracle to happen.

I have to admit could this be another battle of spiritual warfare.

God I asked you when I needed direction to slam the doors that needed slammed, God please make the open door as obvious. God please forgive me. God give me the strength to press on as my body is fighting me. God thank you for the communication that is being opened up with the appropriate officials to advocate for mandatory down time for our health care workers, as I witness you open doors I never thought possible. Father please put a hedge of protection around me and all those around me. God if nothing else let your will be done in my life. In Jesus Name Amen.

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