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Saturday, June 18, 2011

I Write This the Day after Grad

Yesterday was a day full of busyness, frustration anger, sadness tears excitement & joy.

The night before yesterday my sister phoned and my mom and her made arrangements. I was very frustrated over this as the arrangements were made that on the day of my son's grad, a day I had planned to do stuff for my son, my mom and I would run around taking my sister to get her lunch out, take her to dialysis, run to the auction house that we sent a bunch of stuff to to pick up a cheque, then we would (do the only thing I needed to go out for) pick up my son's grad present. I became frustrated and angry over this as like any time they make plans that involve me I'm never consulted and there is no respect in the fact I may have already had plans, the assumption is that it doesn't matter I would just have to drop it all. I don't know if I am being selfish but I wanted my son's grad day to be a focus on him.

I grew up with my sisters needs always being number one on my families priority list. My brother came in second, me I'm just me. My sister was always my Grandparents favorite child and they made no bones of expressing that. My brother was my Mom's favorite child and she as well never made bones of expressing it. I was always the loner, I can remember wanting to be ill because I thought in my warped child's mind that this was how you got noticed in my family.

The night before Grad I finally told my Mom how I felt. I told her I was tired of my sister being put first in everything (not my sisters fault she was raised to be this way) and as long as she was taken care of nobody else mattered. Yes I was angry & hurt when I was saying these things. She mentioned in one part of the conversation that I couldn't say the same about my brother and I turned it around to say that was by choice as he has removed himself from the family.

Grad day we were driving around full filling my mom & sisters arrangements. My sister we had already dropped off at the dialysis unit and I was driving. I was telling my mom how bad the pressure was on my head and how I was feeling really sick and before I finished what I was saying she started talking. She asked if we had decided where and if we could get a new lamp for her TV. I turned around and told her my point of last night was made.

I am finding myself feeling trapped in my families wants and desires for the future. I don't feel that these are plans to live, they are plans to get up in the morning do your day as normal to go to bed and start all over. I have much bigger desires in my heart, desires to go out into the world and make change, standing up for what is right, advocating for those in need, researching facts to base arguments on to fight for just causes. Being  
able to create fair and just laws and policies. Searching peoples gifts not their flaws. Being able to openly practice the faith God has given me.I don't just want to exist, I want to live. My son had written something on his words as he crossed the stage something that I feel is true beyond our need for God. "The secret to life is to live." Have any of us found this, I pray we do.

Well the hours of the day went by and we came to the hour where my Ex had arranged with my son to take him and his sister to dinner and that he would take him to Grad. I was so hurt by this as he ad done this with my daughter as well, no thought of what it means. Taking your child to grad is what you work towards all their school years a symbol of the end of an era in your child's life, this was what I had so looked forward to all these years, this was what I fought for them. I was hurt when I couldn't take my daughter and her Dad monopolized her time. He came in at the very last moment of her life before she started the new chapter in it and stole the show.

 History was being repeated again this year, a year that had even more to it than just the Graduation. We were to celebrate the fact that my son like the bumble be that by all science should not to be able to fly, our son had done the same. 

I started getting into resentment and anger towards my Ex husband. I started asking questions that would only add fuel to the fire inside of me, was I letting the devils schemes get a hold of me as he grew the seed of anger inside of me. I asked ok where was he when they wouldn't allow our son to go to school, was he there fighting for him, No. Where was he when I had the fight to figure out why our son was different than other kids and that he wasn't doing these behaviors just to pick people off. Where was he when our son was needing the extra time to learn things that came easy to everyone else. Where was he when our son came home from being bullied or the school was saying it wasn't it was just his prospective because of his Autism. I don't know how a kid could say to your son, who was to young to understand what it meant, "You and your mom get naked between the sheets" would be nothing but an Autistic prospective. Where was he to fight for his son's rights. 

I prayed to God to take my thoughts captive and give me peace so that I wouldn't be the one to ruin my son's big day. God started replacing the thoughts in my head. I started thinking no matter how today turned out with my Ex, no one could take away the last 18yrs of watching my children grow into the adults they are turning into today. All the memories started flooding back of all the things my children had overcome in these 18yrs., their accomplishments, how they are able to be free thinkers & individuals and nothing would ever take that away.

I watched my son yesterday walk a stage I was told when he was nine I would grieve, yesterday instead of grieving we were celebrating the perseverance and hard work my son had done to get this far, with the support of all the people God had placed in his path to help grow his life.

Father I thank you for the gift you gave me the day you blessed me with my son, he has taught me so much over the years. I know that we are reaching the moment in time where you ask for him to be placed back in your arms so you may shape him to the plans you have for his life. I ask you Father to put a hedge of protection around him & keep him safe. Guide his footsteps & help him to make the right choices as he moves forward in his live. In Jesus Precious Name Amen. 

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