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Friday, June 24, 2011

Lying to Myself

I sit here typing as tears run down my face as I lie to myself saying I am Ok, because I am not. My physical and emotional body is collapsing against what I am telling it to do, I can't make even the simplistic decision anymore without becoming physically ill...God help me!!

I'm on a round about in my life with many roads that I can turn on to support my family and all I want to do is find the one that said escape & I can't find it. The one that say's the way to a quiet place free of lives demands, the place I found sitting on the floor of the church, at night, in a quiet corner where it was just God and me. I can no longer live up to everyone's expectations, including my own. 

I know in a few minutes I will leave my room back into the world and put back on my mask that said here I am facing the next day the way I'm expected to, while I fight the thoughts in my head that tell me you are a failure, you are lazy, you are good for nothing. You have all these big dreams and ideas but look you have never been able to do anything with them.

I don't know where to go from here except turn on my auto pilot and cont. to put the next foot in front of the next. God carry me please as even my steps become to hard to make. In Jesus Name.

Prayer postponed for house til July 8.

Songs being played on Praise 106.5 as I typed this blog:
Mandisa "Stronger"
Laura Story "Blessings"
Newsboy's "Who"
Tenth Ave North " You are More"

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