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Wednesday, September 28, 2011

Life Going Back to My Normal

After working for my old job for the last seven days strait I am back to not working until they need me again.

I soon realized today our lives would quickly get back to its normal. I woke up this morning and started working on the RV in the driveway again. While outside the bank phoned and informed my Mom that we would most likely have to sell the house unless we could figure out how to pay the mortgage payments in two months. Mom told her it was cheaper to pay the mortgage than rent and we would be no better off. Bank I know is only looking after their interest.

My daughter had to go for the results from her sleep test and I needed to take my son to finish filling out his funding forms at the university. I made an appointment for me to see someone in student services.

I have decided to go back to school as long as I can get past the kayos of life and my fear of not being able to follow through and get over the hurdles and obstacles I face. I want to go back to school to take law & psychology to become a child advocacy lawyer. Prayers please.

My daughter reminded me that she wants to move to Alberta to live with her Dad so she can finally get to know him and for him to get to know her, I understand her want & need to spend time with her Dad. She wanted to know what I thought and I refused to way in as this was a decision she needed to make, no one else.

I was breaking inside as I realized I had just lost my sister and now I would be loosing my daughter as she moved to far away for me to see her.

We finished at the university and headed off to my daughters appointment. My Mom was visibly upset that I couldn't just dump her off and go do what she wanted to get done. My daughter had asked me to come with her as she still doesn't feel comfortable with Doctors. I felt torn & angry that my Mom would make me have to choose. I stayed with my daughter and I am glad I did as she was diagnosed with severe sleep apnea, she had worn a monitor the night before and the results showed she stopped breathing at least 29 times in an hour and her oxygen levels dropped 74%. The Doctor said if she had been in hospital and these results happened they would of had to intubate her. I was sitting in chock. I know this means a very expensive piece of medical equipment that wasn't a want but a necessity for her health. Poverty just slapped me in the face again.

I have to admit my anger started rearing its head as I blame the medical system for renovating our lives as they turned it upside down and I would have still had my job and my extended medical if I hadn't lost my job do to the Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. I know I am suppose to be able to forgive and I want to but I can't seem to as it keeps slapping me in the face, Father forgive me, for my unforgiveness.

My Mom showed no care or concern for what my daughter was now facing as she talked over my daughter about something completely different from my daughters concerns.

My Mom continued talking to us as she normally does leaving each statement with a put down or dig to the person she is interacting with, the sad point is she doesn't hear herself doing it and feels there is nothing wrong and when I confront her on it she tells me I am abusing her. I finally told her that if she feels like I am abusing her we need to part ways as it must not be good for her for us to stay living together, as I type this my Mom reconfirms the dogs hold more value than us as she speaks to them with kindness and care something we haven't heard our direction since we went through the trauma.

She told me I better figure out my housing or I would find myself living on the street. I told her I didn't want anything and that living on the street would be better than the prison I am living in now. Right now, I need my Mom's acceptance in everything I do for fear of her getting mad and her becoming extremely cold towards me or doing her famous huffing behind me thinking I can't hear her or her doing it to get to me. I am tired of being made to feel guilty for things I want to do with my life and feeling my life removes around her wants and needs. I told her I guess this means we need to sell the house and she can keep everything from it because I wasn't being accused of using her.

I thought my day couldn't get any worse when I came home to a letter from Employment Insurance letting me know that I had reached my 15 weeks worth of benefits and that I should notify my employer in regards to disability benefits if this applies. Well being I was let go and have no medical I know the answer to this one, we are about to go back to no income, no medical, and about to have no place to live. Life couldn't get any better than this.

The Medical system goes on with its life while mine crumbles beneath my feat. I will keep up the blogs until I have no access to a computer or internet. I don't know how long it will take until we have to leave our home and figure out if we can find a place that needs no money down and no monthly payment as I don't have either.

I am looking for a miracle God!! I know if you are bringing us to it you will get us through it even if it isn't how we would like it. I know it is for your greater plan that I can only see one peace of. In Jesus Name Amen.

Friday, September 23, 2011

Since the time before Last.

Since the time before the last post we went to the audition and the next day I went back to my old work for the first time in three months. I realized I had done allot of changing since then. I was no longer ashamed or fearful of what others would think of me & who I was. I was no longer a prisoner trapped inside me or was I. I was free for the most part as what we went through I can now openly talk about without fear, I can admit to myself and others that I still have my struggles that I face from what we went through. I was ok for the first two days back at work but the third day was a challenge as I still have the video tape of moments we experienced that bring me back to that moment and time and that day was difficult. I know I have to fight them and I for the first time while working found it difficult to fight them and experienced what I would call tremors as I found myself getting shaky during the video tape. I was at the tradex the opening morning of the show helping finish with set up, when my mind started replaying the moment from the RV show in 2009 when I was about to head home and got the dreaded call saying my daughter was going into one and my mom & son didn't have the strength to keep her safe when she was like this. I knew it was at least a 20min. drive home before I could get there. I was overwhelmed with terror of all the possibilities of what I would face when I got there. They had called 911 but how long would it be before they arrived, would I get there before them.

I find that the triggers to these video tapes could be just in things that happen in my daily schedule or they can be as simple as a sentence like " I don't feel well mom" as I catch the terror that runs through me when these words are said together.  I have had people out of care try to compare what we went through to a trauma they went through and I am screaming inside as most of the times the cause of their trauma lasted a moment, I understand maybe someone died but it was done and completed in that moment. Ours lasted every minute of every hour of every day of every week of every month for 8 months. We lived through watching something horrific with no way of stopping it from playing out, we could only do what we could do to survive the moment to know it wasn't going to end there, that we would be back to relive it any moment. We had the people you would turn to to help you figure it out say don't come back, you are on your own. We were blessed by many first responders that  tried everything to brain storm with us to figure it out, they became like family as they tried to comfort us. We were also faced with some that thought it was all in our heads.

My hardest moment to get past is the night when I felt totally helpless and alone as I tried to hold my daughter safe as she kept on getting loose as she fought the terror the prescription had created in her mind of us being tortured and murdered before her eyes & her being raped. Have you ever experienced the raw emotion of someone watching their love ones being murdered one at a time. I can't get it out of my mind as I watched and listened to my daughter going through that very thing over and over again and there was nothing I could do about it, I was completely helpless.

I remember one night after the Doctor at the hospital had told me not to bring her back and when I told him it was 911 protocol, he told me not to call 911. We had ended up back there several times after and we knew that we were being left to wait for hours upon hours at a time for them to think eventually we would n't come back to see the nurse to be told we could go now or the Doctor to see her for 5 min after we waited for hours to say we could go now. I knew going there was a waist of our time as they had turned their backs on us. I was faced with a moment my daughter ended up getting into my mom's room and onto her bed and I was trying to restrain her as it was dangerous when she was loose as she was litterly fighting for her life and going through the motions & actions. I knew if I let her go she would be seriously hurt, I needed to hold on but she was getting to strong even for me as the adrenalin pumped through her body. I would find myself fighting with my own thoughts as I looked at the pillow next to her, could I just hold it long enough she would pass out so I could get a moment to be able to get the strength back to holder. Yelling at myself in my thoughts for even being able to think that for a moment I could use a pillow to do this as I could end up killing my own baby girl, God is who kept the right in a wrong situation. Only by the strength of God did I make it through that moment, the pillow was never touched. I had hit breaking point and this is why I ended up broken laying in my bed balling my eyes out soaking my pillow, the reason why when I screamed out to God that I can't do this anymore. He showed me why his son died for me, a sinner. God gave me his love and his forgiveness that night he dried my tears. I am haunted with the thought that me who is appalled by violence could even be pushed to the point of thoughts that are so wrong, thoughts I pray one day I can be freed from. How could a mother be pushed to this point to have these thoughts, I use to wonder, but I now know what thoughts you can be faced with when you are feeling totally helpless and pushed to breaking point to desperation. I thank God for being there that night.

I hope one day I don't have to continue to relive these horrific moments in my life, that we experienced in 2009

 to be continued.

The Journey of the Audition for Canada's Got Talent

Well since the last time I stopped by we went out to Vancouver Sunday night after my daughter went out and tried to fund-raise her way out to her audition to Canada's Got Talent. She walked around our neighborhood trying to sell my photography & doing a bottle drive, bottle drive seem to be the way. She came back in tears saying she couldn't do it anymore as she was being faced with humility as kids she graduated with answered the door. She was facing the feeling of shame for not having enough money to go to the audition and people she knew finding out how financially poor she was. She couldn't do it any more, the humility was to much. She took out the credit card her dad had signed her up for the last time she was out to visit him. She tried booking a hotel room in th Sandman in Vancouver for the night before the audition as that was the only way for her to get out there, she had never used her credit card before and found out for some reason it didn't work.

I gave her my Master Card with every expectation of it being rejected as I was sure it was maxed out between the house repairs, vehicle repairs and trying to get the photography off the ground. Well I was wrong it was excepted $137. later. She continued to work out the transportation to get out there and found out we could take transit on Sunday strait in from Aldergrove, BC. She also found out that if you went to Safeway you could get a $9. day pass each and it would cover all the transit for the day we needed, so to get in on Sunday and back on Monday it was $18. each.

Sunday came along and my son & I headed to our church & my daughter headed to her new church. We met up later and we went to get the passes for transit. My mom & son came with us and I drove us out to our first transit stop that would start us on our journey. My mom and son dropped us off and headed home.

We began the Journey with the $17. from the bottles for food & a prepaid hotel room,  1:36pm on the Bus, 2:45pm on the Sky train, 3:30pm we made it to Vancouver.

We got to the Sandman hotel as a tour bus arrived, so we waited in line to check in to our room. We finally got to the front of the line with our room prepaid we figured this would be quick, we should no by now that nothing is that easy. We heard the clerk at the other side of the counter say, "that will be a $50. deposit for the room." We looked at each other knowing we had no money to pay it. We went through the debit cards first with the same message coming back at us insufficient funds. We tried my Master Card, just maybe it will work, declined. Tried my daughters, declined, by this point my daughter was feeling defeated. She was so close to following her dream and now we were being faced with sleeping on the streets or heading home and giving up. We started going through all the options and everyone my daughter said she couldn't do. Finally she got me to phone home and ask Nana to look up her info for her Visa, as I was on the phone with Nana she called Visa. She at the end of it all got her Visa activated, but she had no password. With Visa in hand, She stood back in line as we both prayed it would work without her password. She handed the Visa to the clerk, the clerk gave it a shot and it worked, thank you God for providing us with shelter and a bed to sleep in.

We dropped off all our stuff in the room and at this point we were beyond starving, as the shakes kicked in. We arrived at the hotel just before 4pm & got in our room just after 6pm. We asked the clerk where an inexpensive restaurant was so we could get dinner, she pointed us in that direction. We walked to Subway that was a couple of blocks away. We saw the took Visa so in we went and ordered our sandwiches in a meal we got to the cashier and my brain clicked in, she didn't have a pin for her card. Oh no! She tried her debit card for the amount as it was less than the hotel and she was sure she had a little money in it, declined. We put back the drinks and chips and I was praying the $17. bottle money would cover it. She gave us the new total and it was $19 something, the digging and brain scrambling to problem solve one more time and we did it, we were finally able to eat something. My daughter phoned up Visa and they told her how to get a new pin and they would monitor her card well we were in Vancouver.  We were now back on being able to breath. We walked around Vancouver and were tourists in our own Province as I hadn't been to Vancouver since my kids were in Elementary school.

I recognized some of the areas as the areas that were faced by the Stanley Cup Riots, I am so sure the emotional wounds are still there but the physical damage appeared to be all gone. We decided to see how long it would take to get to the Westin Bayshore Hotel, where the Auditions would be held, from our hotel so we started walking. My daughter pointed out to me the street that lead down to the Olympic torch and as we looked down the street we noticed the torch was lit, so we started walking to it. I was surprised by how many people were down there, we would soon realize there was a conference in town and a private party at Canada Place. We ended up speaking with a gentleman from the conference, as he made a comment on how he couldn't figure out how they fit everyone you saw in this little area during the Olympics, I said I didn't know either and then my brain clued in and I explained that there was more than one torch and the one he saw on tv was the one in BC Place Stadium and it was a football stadium as he mentioned as he thought it was as big as one. He asked us what brought us to town and we told him. He said he was hoping the conference would give him a chance to check it out as he would like to. We said good bye and proceeded on, oh and yes I brought my camera, but sadly found out it doesn't take really good pictures at night, but I did get a few.

 We found out that it would take us 24 min to get to the Westin Bayshore, we also found out that 6am was the earliest for lining up. We headed back to the Sandman.
 We got back to the hotel and watched a movie on my daughters laptop and then 12pm came to quick, we set the alarm for 4am so that we would have time to get ready and walk back to the audition.

We got to the audition at 10min to 6am, we were pretty close to the front of the line when they called for all those who didn't receive an email confirming an audition for 8 am that day to step forward out of line and follow to a secondary line which moved us up in line quite a bit. They then did some live feeds from the line up outside to City TV Breakfast Television. 

We were taken into a maze of taped off lines and at the beginning of the line we were each given a bracelet, one for guests of the person with the talent and one for the person with the talent.
 We waited in this line till 8am. I can say this was the least boring line I have ever been in, we met some wonderful people. Right behind us in line was two guys, one who was in the navy and stationed in Victoria and his friend a new daddy who was now out of service. What a voice and ability to throw songs together in the heat of the moment as they kept throwing a camera in his face. Behind them was a girl me and my daughter recognized from some where and she was the same age as my daughter, she came with two friends she had a great voice to. We spent most of the time in the line singing together, even though I was definitely out of my league as my daughter and them could sing and I was not gifted in this area. At one point someone in the group mentioned, I think it was my daughter, that we should sing Oh Canada and know one could get the nerve to start, so I did and they joined in with a few people around us then as soon as we finished the people a little further down in line started it again and then the whole room joined in and the taping started.

At 8 am the doors were opened and the ones who were there for auditions were put into another line and us guests were able to sit down in the center of the room. My daughter was able to stay and chat with our new found friends.

City TV, Breakfast Television co-host Riaz Meghji, you can see him in the picture below.

 They were brought forward to register and hand in their contracts signed and receive their number that was to be worn on the front for their Audition. 

 They continued to record Breakfast television and the lady in the picture below is Dawn Chubai, co host, with the film crew.

 They started calling groups of twenty up at a time to go into several rooms with in the hotel that were set up with for the Auditions, I would need to stay behind and wait.

 She would return over an hour later, she said there was a total of 5 people in the room. She was nervous at the start but she said it was almost like she was listening in as she lost herself in the song. She noticed people swaying to the song and then at the end she was applauded.
She was told that the audition tape would go forward to the producers and they would find out by Oct 15 if they would move on to the next stage of the auditions. I so pray she gets an opportunity to follow her dream further through this and gain her self confidence as I know it will come as she experiences doing it over and over again.  

Friday, September 16, 2011

Breaking News Answered Prayer!

On Tuesday when I went to the prayer counselor, we were renouncing and confessing and rejecting many things in my that seem to still have a hold on me. When we were praying the counselor prayed for the demons that were oppressing our fiances that they would return to the pit of hell to never return. When we were finished praying she shared with me what she had experienced.  She heard heckling after asking what she had said about our finances and the heckling said it is already done and then she heard God say what is done can be undone. I have to say I was a little spooked, but also very hopeful that this was the end of the financial struggles.

Wednesday I went to a ministry training program and all I heard was money mandatory for Hosts & Helpers. My heart became overly burdened with the thought I couldn't afford to serve God in the Church and how wrong this felt. We were broken into small groups to discuss what we got out of the night & pray. The question was asked and before I knew what was happening, I blurted out what I got out of the night is I can't afford to serve God. We discussed this to be told that wasn't the intent. Prayer was said and it was prayed for my finances.

Thursday I phoned Service Canada to find out about my Employment Insurance (EI) and explain one more time about my dilemma of a Doctors note and not being able to provide one because of the hornets nest created in the medical system over the care of my daughter. The lady persistently encouraged me to speak with my new Doctor. I was finally convinced after the second call with a lady at EI.

I made an appointment to see the Doctor for this morning and he said he didn't need to go through the history but he could write me a note. He wrote me a medical certificate stating I was dealing with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. After a few issues I got the form into EI with the new expectation of soon receiving the last 3 months of checks. While in the Service Canada office my mom phoned, she received a call from my old boss wanting  to speak with me. I called her back and I ended up going over there. She asked me if I would like to come back part time. Praise God for answered prayer!!! I start back to work Tuesday, just in time for the RV show, I already have been given 6 shifts.

I have so much to do between then and now. I have a friends RV to finish detailing that is sitting in the driveway. Our so kind neighbor is going to put our new toilet in that will hopefully stop the need for CPRing the toilet on Saturday. Sunday morning My daughter is going to go to her new Church for the first time by herself, but she found out after she planned this that one of the past pastors at our church will be preaching. Thank you God!! I will go to Church with my son and then My daughter and I will get ready for our adventure, as we head out to spend the night on the streets of Vancouver so she can get in front of the line for her audition to Canada's Got Talent at 8 am on Monday, as she has to be back home for her University class for 4:30pm. Hmm will we be able to do it, God only knows. Praying I can come up with a memory card for my camera before then.

Father thank you for bringing me where I need to be at the cross and the knowledge that if I lean on you and your timing anything is possible and everything is possible. Thank you for removing the demonic in my life and help me to put your Armour on everyday. Father draw those close to you who don't know you yet. Help open our eyes to the path you want for us and help us walk it in obedience. In Jesus Christs name Amen

Wednesday, September 14, 2011

Going back to where I left off.

Continuing from "What Lies Around the Corner....."

My friend asked me to call the person that had got me the Job detailing RV's, who now worked at another employer. She had forwarded him my resume. I had called and he wasn't available, so I left him a message. I waited several hours and tried again. I was able to connect with him. He asked why I was not at the RV place anymore and I had explained to him the truth that after the trauma we went through my health was effected and I had become an unreliable. He asked if I was ready to go back to work and without hesitation I gave the automatic response yes, my heart started growing heavy after that yes. How could I say yes as I am still fighting the physical & emotional stuff from the trauma. I contacted them both and gave my apologies for wasting their time as I don't think I am passed what lost me my job of five years yet and all I would be doing is setting it up to happen all over again.

I find I am psycho annualizing everything now since the trauma. I always am having to ask myself is this true feelings are these ones created by the trauma and all that results from this is more confusion in my thoughts.

My son & I went to the fall kick off for our church, it was held outside at a stadium so that all five services can finally meet in one place. After the service, the Church had a old fashioned family picnic. My son and I sat like the social out casts we are looking out to the large groups of people spread out on their picnic blankets not feeling like we had any where to fit in. We left shortly after we finished the lunch we brought as it was not feeling ok just sitting there.

I was talking with the counselor today about us being social outcasts and thinking maybe I was autistic to, but I was thinking in my case it was more of a learned thing as I had learned over the years how to live in isolation. I am fine in social situations that are structured but  as soon as you put me in social free time I become isolated & frozen not knowing what to do. I am ok when people approach me, but I never can find away to walk into another group situation.

Ok it became way to late for me to finish tonight as my eyes close, I will try to finish as soon as I can. Goodnight!

Sunday, September 11, 2011

We Interrupt My Blog Post

10 yrs ago today the world was changed for ever as some lived through the nightmare many of us were frozen in front of the TV.

I remember where I was moments after the first tower was struck as the picture is etched in my memory. I was getting my kids ready for school like usual, when I went to walk past the tv that had the news on and I found myself frozen unable to turn away as the second plane hit the twin towers in New York, a feeling of horror and disbelief ran through me.

My heart & prayers go out to all the family & friends that were left behind that day to grieve the ones who died that horrible day in History. Many as well that ask why me even 10 yrs. later, how come I survived when the people around me died.

May we never forget that day in history and the people that were lost.

Live every day as if it were your last, but not in fear. May you never be left with regret of things not said or done.

I never go out without hugging my children & telling them I love them, because you never know.

I just heard the news that the first res-ponders will not be included today in the Anniversary and I have to say I am appalled!

What Lies Around the Corner.....

I am finding these days that many things lie around the corner some bad, some good, some surprising and some take you on a journey.

My daughter & son were being faced with the reality of school tuition fees, a reality I was powerless to help them with as we have no money. My son is able to possibly get special funding for post secondary education due to his Autism/ADHD, if he can get someone qualified to sign his form, this might be difficult as it is from the medical community he needs it and not just a family Doctor. My daughter struggled the first semester do to all the effects of the seizures she had from the prescription medication she reacted too, so she didn't qualify for student loans this semester. She though managed to come up with 2/3 of her tuition and the cost of her text books. I had a dear and wonderful friend offer to pay the balance for her. Praise God for answered prayer!!!

I started thinking on the way to my counselors appointment about how to solve the problem of tuition for post secondary when you have the ability to do University but no financial way of attending. My brain started working in hyper drive as I felt God pressing something on my heart. What if a ministry was started where people needing a post secondary education and couldn't afford one as all avenues were closed would come too.

Outline of Ministry:

-Qualifying Candidates would show that there is need that can’t be filled for them to support being educated.
- Candidates would commit to a set amount of hour’s of volunteer work, through individual or organization needs.
Examples :
-Seniors, the sick, the disabled or Single Parents needing yard work, house maintenance, painting or house cleaning, ext.
- Organizations such as Food Bank, Cyrus Centre, Mentoring Programs and so on.
-Ministry would reach out to the body of Christ and would also approach corporate & business sponsorship. Fund-raise.  Not wavering from our Christian values & sharing of the Gospel as well as through words.
-Looking to be operational for the next school year, 2012.

I emailed the Church telling them, " I'm wondering (2) things:

1) is it possible to be connected to a mentor at the Church who can educate me on starting up a Ministry.
2) would it be possible to run donations & sponsorships through the church until the Ministry can establish an independent system.

I also said,"I feel if I can open up this Ministry it would suite to purposes to do outreach to the community and I have been told that a not for profit can hold one paid employee which would create employment for me to support my family, as we could survive on $15.00 hr. to support our living needs."

received an email back saying that it would be looked into further next week and they would be praying about it. God willing.

I received an email from from a past coworker, wanting to know if I would be up to detailing his fifth wheel he was doing up to sell. I said sure I would love to and it would help our financial situation. He would drop it off Thursday night around 8pm.

I have turned many corners lately that have ran me right into memories & sorrow for my big sister who passed away two weeks ago now.  I was asked by a dear friend on Thursday if I was still looking for a job and I gave her the I want to happen answer yes!! I pulled out my resume, around 7:30pm, to paste it into an email and was going over it to make sure everything was right and up to date when I was struck by the corner I was about to hit with the smallest of details. I came to the part of references as I read to myself my sisters name was brought into my thoughts as I read it. I would be faced now with deleting her from my resume and be faced with having to admit to myself one more time she was gone. :'o(

I could feel the swell of tears about to escape and I hated it, I couldn't cry my past coworker was about to bring me a job to do and the last thing he wanted to face after a day of work was a babbling brook.  I had some help from some friends on Facebook to help get my mind some where else and it worked. He came and dropped of the fifth wheel. I was so excited to be doing something again that had meaning to me, as I like to take things that look old and make them look as new as possible again.

I woke Friday morning bright and early and started working on the fifth wheel to soon find out that I am going to have to do this a bit at a time as I no longer had the ability to do this for long length of time like I use too.

I had been cleaning it for a couple of hours when my Aunt showed up to take us out to lunch. She took us to ABC Restaurant, mom phoned a head. The Manager at the restaurant sat us down, she is a nice lady we have known for a while from going in there. She had this look on her face that made me concerned. I turned to my Mom and asked if she had noticed because I said she looks like she is grieving. She came back with coffee for my Aunt and my Mom asked her if she was ok? She said " Yes, but I don't know how to ask you this....I was...." Mom put her out of her suffering of trying to find the right words. She said "about my daughter, yes it was her in the paper, she passed away." My Mom went into explaining to her all the details as my daughter and I tried very hard to stay composed. The poor waitress that would be serving us had to ask a question and felt very awful cutting in.

We ate our lunch and was about to leave when the manager came to give my Mom a hug and then came towards me to give me a hug, a hug I was terrified to receive,  fearing the flood gates would open and I would be unable to stop them. She hugged me and told me she was sorry about my sister, the swell of tears I could feel coming to the surface. She walked away and I quickly excused myself to outside where I could cry to myself. Everyone came out soon after and by the time we got back to my Aunt's car I was able to stuff the tears back in.

A dear friend told me about the grieving we face around corners is so we can face it a little at a time.

I got home from lunch to find a message from my friend that asked about me looking for work.......

to be continued......

Monday, September 5, 2011

Steps to Grieving and Reminding Myself About My Sister.

Today and to be honest the last couple of days I have been fighting the denial part of grieving. I have been told by the counselor and with the amount of loss I have experienced in the last few years I should know already, that these are the steps of grieving:

1st step- Loss- I am finding this doesn't just apply to human life, it can also apply to life as we know it facing a traumatic or an instant change.

2nd step- Numb, Shock, Denial- I am also finding this can mean two things (1) that it even happened, (2) the effects it has had on you. I this last couple of days have been fighting with myself as my brain starts denying the truth that my sister is gone, I find myself catching the denial and having to constantly remind myself of the reality.

3rd step- Bargaining- I am not sure what this one looks like quite yet, unless this is where when we went through the trauma I tried bargaining with God to take my life and spare my daughters.

4th step- Hopeless- I know this one far to well as we cycled through the trauma and I felt there was no hope of it ever ending, I have experienced some dark moments since my sister passed, but they were more to do with this limbo I have been put in and my Mom's fear of loosing the house and all that she has worked so hard for and feeling responsible after loosing my job.

5th step- Anger- Anger is the one I still get stuck in periodically as Satan uses it in my darkest moments to keep me down as he reminds me of all that was done to my family in 2009. I have felt some anger in my loss for my sister, directed at my family as my sister's stuff is disposed from her & her husbands house not even 24 hrs. after she has passed and it is like she is being erased from existence. Today also didn't help when my Mom showed me my sisters obit in the paper and it was all business void of any thing that represented who my sister was just full of all the necessary details.

6th step- Depression- this one I also no to well as when my husband left me when our children were 4 months & 15 months old I was diagnosed with what they call situation depression, caused by high levels of stress. I have learned over the years to recognize what depression looks like to me. First stage- getting the thoughts that tell me I am a failure, I can't do anything right, I have let everyone down. Second stage- is when my brain starts hearing what people are saying to me and it gets internalized too reinforce the thoughts in my head. Third stage- becoming overly tired and all my body wants to do is go to sleep. Forth stage- I start to withdraw from everything and avoid all social contact. Fifth stage- I start having suicidal thoughts run through my head, like driving down a road and fighting with myself as the lies in my head tell me just drive the vehicle strait of the road, look there is a cement wall that will do it and it will be all over you won't let anyone down anymore and the pain will stop. I call this stage the pack of lies that become far to real.

I have been blessed to not go past the first stage in a very long time as I have learned to go to who I am in Christ and when I feel myself slipping to stage 2 I start venting and asking for prayer as I know I don't want to go to the next stages. I am learning that depression is Satan's way of putting up a road block in your life and making you oppressed under his power. Satan is the great teller of lies & God is the great speaker of truths and when the lies come I don't want to follow Satan, so I declare the truths in Christ and he sets me free.

7th step- Helplessness- I experienced this through the trauma and I started experiencing this with my sister long before she passed away as there was nothing I could do to take away her pain. I truly believe that the grieving that comes with a terminal diagnoses for the living is far worse than the grieving of one who has already passed.

8th step- Regaining Hope- this one is fuzzy to me as I had felt hopelessness from this world but I have never lost my hope in Jesus Christ and that hope is what has gotten me through this last several years knowing that no matter how bad it got God had a purpose and he would get us through, even if it didn't feel like it.

9th step- Re-organizing Around Loss-this is the step I believe my brother-in-law from advice given by others has jumped straight to skipping over many of the other steps. I have not gotten hear with my sister yet, but I have with the trauma. I re-organized my priorities in life after the trauma. What use to drive me no longer did, as the material things became less important and my loved ones and relationships took its place. My drive now is to get to know God & the people around me better. My relationship with Christ has taken a priority seat in my life not how much I can advance in this world.

I was given a list of tasks for grieving and they are well appreciated advice as some of them I have found difficult in the past.

1. Cry when you need to cry, this one is difficult for me as my Nana and My Mom would always tell me not to cry, I know now as a parent it was because it hurt them to see me cry, but as a child I learned to oppress my tears. I actually stun a lady when my husband left. The same day he left are bunny had snapped it's back and I had to take it to the vet. Her husband stayed with the kids as well as his own and she drove me to the vet. I became overwhelmed in tears when the vet said we would have to put the rabbit down, the lady had explained to the vet that my husband had just left me and he told me to take all the time I needed. Still crying we headed back to my apartment minus a rabbit. I unlocked the door and turned the handle to open it and the lady with me said it was like watching a switch be flicked as I turned the handle and opened the door my emotions were shut right off, you could have never known my grief.

2.Embrace the loss & emotions, not so good with emotions, learning.

3. Talk about the person, this one I am finding difficult as I catch my self talking as if she was still here.

4. Journal about it, hmm, this is what I am using the blog for, as I share it all, as God has called me to do.

5. Spend time in Prayer. I find my prayer is a all day open dialogue with my Savior, as I journey through the day.

6. Don't feel guilty for feeling peace & joy in your life, hard one.

7. Allow your body to rejuvenate- grieving is hard work! I am going to have to learn this one as I keep on typing in this blog till 1am, oops just looked at the clock, & then am up before 7am. I know at some point I will Crash.

Time for me to turn in for the night, I pray God showers you with his peace, mercy, grace & joy as you journey on your path into the future. In Jesus Christ Name Amen.

P.S. ALPHA will be staring up soon for this fall, if you are looking for a safe place to ask explore the meaning of life, check out the second set of tabs at the top of the page for links to the Alpha websites.

Sunday, September 4, 2011

Continuing the Journey of Loss part 2

I finished at the counselors appointment, knowing I needed to find away to deal with the message I was given, trying not to let the emotions of grieving take over my response, being I had taken the bus to my appointment I decided since I was across town from where I lived I would wonder for a bit and give myself time to think. I wondered over to get something small to eat at McDonald's as it was already just past lunch time and I knew I wouldn't make it if I didn't eat or drink anything. I sat and continued to think of how I would handle this problem I was facing. I had a verse in the bible that was read at church, Mark 8:33, where Jesus told Peter "Get behind me Satan." I wondered in and out the second hand stores thinking & half looking for a stand for my photography. I kept on being brought back to that verse. I felt that the comment made to me in the message fit a similar response because as of what Jesus had told Peter “You(she did) do not have in mind the concerns of God, but merely human concerns.” I was unable to shake this verse every time I thought about the message it would pop up. I wrote back to her simply put "Satan be gone!" this did not end the discussion as it cont. on Facebook and on the phone, as my grief applified as I wasn't just now grieving my sister but also what I thought was a sister in Christ and how hurtful this whole back and forth was. I finally unfriended this person on Facebook and contacted the Church we both go to to request some assistance in mediating to resolve the problem. 
My mind kept on going back to communion and how we are not suppose to take it when we have any unresolved issues with another sister or brother in Christ and I knew we would be having communion the first Sunday of the month and I wanted this resolved. I was so glad when I had received an email back from the Church saying they would be willing to help in this matter.

Tuesday I ended up stopping by our new Doctors office to make an appointment as I was finding it very difficult to breath, they had just had a cancellation so I was taken right in, turns out the bug my daughter had brought home had planted itself in my respiratory system and was causing the labored breathing, so the Doctor gave me what I would call horse pills as they are huge.Also Tuesday the first episode of the show we were filmed for aired, we watched it and it was really good. We don't know when ours will air yet as they are not playing them in sequence. We are quite nervous on how they will  portray us in our episode. Thursday I went with my Mom to help my Aunt move out of her house, her first move on her own since my Uncle past away from brain cancer. We had already had committed to helping her months before my sister passed away and even though she told us we didn't have to I didn't feel right abandoning her. The Move took us the majority of the day, my children had to fend for themselves for dinner that night as my Aunt lived several towns away, to my Mom's pleasure they did not burn the house down.

Friday came and I woke under this extremely dark cloud, I felt like a failure and was filled with the overwhelming need for someone to take responsibility for what they had done to my family. I would soon realize why God has taken my forever private life and opened it up for all to read, he did this so if I fell under the darkness of spiritual warfare and I couldn't find the strength to get back up he would use the body of Christ to hold me and carry me back to his truth for me. Through the scriptures, Mathew 11:28-30 & Psalm 91, being posted on line and the prayers I was receiving I could feel God working on me when I received a call from Praise 106.5 Radio Station telling me in God's perfect timing that my songs that I had submitted for the Positive Drive @ 5 was selected, God's way of reminding me of how great he is in my life as the songs I had selected had represented the Journey from falling down to the blessings from teardrops to a great love for Jesus Christ.  I so needed the reminder at that point of how far he has brought me. The darkness had lifted one more time.

I will have to say goodnight for now as it is past 12:30 am and my eye's become heavy, Good night all talk soon.

Saturday, September 3, 2011

Continuing the Journey of Loss

I have posted the photo's of my walk to Church, I am so amazed by what I miss when I am driving. I had made it over half way to Church when a car pulled around in front of me, it was the youth leader from the Church. She asked me if I would like a lift and I said "I would love it"

We arrived at the Church and I made my way to the front seat in the sanctuary. I had a half an hour till church started so I cracked open my bible and started reading. I don't know why but the only part of that service my brain could focus on was two things one being about our fear to publicly hold up what the bible states & the other was the reference that was made about giving & wealth. I don't know if they were lies seeping into my mind as I felt all of a sudden out of place as I felt so alone as I didn't have anything of monetary value as I fall into the deep realization that I am living in poverty and am unable to find away to support my family and have to get past the shame in admitting I can no longer do anything without leaning on others and the horrible pit inside of not wanting to take advantage of people as I should be the one doing all this.

My emotions in church on Sunday were quite scrambled, by the end of the service the grief had started to over come me and after being dismissed they had turned on some music and the first song played had been the song I haven't been able to get away from as it has been playing over and over again "Blessings" by Laura's Story   I Started to feel the uncontrollable swell of tears coming. I focused on walking straight up the isle through the doors into the foyer, continue walking strait out the front door and then on to the street as I just couldn't face the looks or the questions at that point. I started my walk home, I phoned my Mom halfway home and she asked me why I hadn't asked for a ride home and I explained. She told me there was no option of picking me up now as my brother-in-law had picked up my sister's car, that my mom & I had been using to take my sister to dialysis with. She also let me know that my brother-in-law and his mom were removing all my sister's stuff from the house and taking it to the thrift store, not even 24 hrs. after my sister had passed away. I was numb. I cont. walking home taking pictures along the way. My mom said to call when I was getting close so she could make lunch, so I did. My children decided they would meet me half way with some water, what a blessing that was, as I was parched. I eventually made it home now with my children after my 2 1/2 hour walk from church.

My friend convinced me to go to a 65th Birthday party that I was planning on attending before my sister passed. I finally agreed to go after agreeing of not talking about my sister as it wasn't fair to the birthday boy. I found myself at a picnic table with two ladies I knew talking about pets dying, I felt the swell of emotion coming so I excuse myself and went for a walk as I didn't want this to be at the birthday celebration, I was followed. One of the Ladies at the table caught up to me and asked me what was wrong and she wasn't taking nothing for an answer. I broke down & told her about my sister and told her as I didn't want this to be part of the Birthday as it was not appropriate. We talked for a bit and then when I felt I was collected again we walked back and I sat back down at the picnic table, across from a lady who I thought was more than just an acquaintance. She started asking me questions about my sister and many pointed questions and I told her this wasn't the place as we were here for the birthday and she persisted so I made my point quite abruptly as I knew I was going to break down into emotion if I didn't. When the party came to an end my friend and her husband drove my daughter and I home.

Monday morning with still no vehicle to drive my children and I headed of to the University for their appointments and stuff they needed to do and I would eventually part from them to catch my connecting bus that would take me to my counselor. I arrived at my appointment a little early so I waited in the driveway and checked my Facebook to see if I had any messages and I did. I had a message from the lady I had to cut short at the Birthday Party. She was telling me that she was choked at me because I wouldn't talk to her about my sister when she had found out I had been talking with someone else. I was engulfed in pain & anger over this message. I was hurt that I was the subject of two people I thought cared's gossip & angered by the ignorance and lack of care by the person I was receiving the message from. I didn't respond right away as I was so full of emotion and I knew I would say something I would regret. I went into my appointment and we discussed the loss of my sister & the message I received and how I would handle it.

I will have to come back later to continue as my eyes are fighting to stay awake. and it is close to 1 am here. May God bless you in your day & night.