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Friday, September 23, 2011

Since the time before Last.

Since the time before the last post we went to the audition and the next day I went back to my old work for the first time in three months. I realized I had done allot of changing since then. I was no longer ashamed or fearful of what others would think of me & who I was. I was no longer a prisoner trapped inside me or was I. I was free for the most part as what we went through I can now openly talk about without fear, I can admit to myself and others that I still have my struggles that I face from what we went through. I was ok for the first two days back at work but the third day was a challenge as I still have the video tape of moments we experienced that bring me back to that moment and time and that day was difficult. I know I have to fight them and I for the first time while working found it difficult to fight them and experienced what I would call tremors as I found myself getting shaky during the video tape. I was at the tradex the opening morning of the show helping finish with set up, when my mind started replaying the moment from the RV show in 2009 when I was about to head home and got the dreaded call saying my daughter was going into one and my mom & son didn't have the strength to keep her safe when she was like this. I knew it was at least a 20min. drive home before I could get there. I was overwhelmed with terror of all the possibilities of what I would face when I got there. They had called 911 but how long would it be before they arrived, would I get there before them.

I find that the triggers to these video tapes could be just in things that happen in my daily schedule or they can be as simple as a sentence like " I don't feel well mom" as I catch the terror that runs through me when these words are said together.  I have had people out of care try to compare what we went through to a trauma they went through and I am screaming inside as most of the times the cause of their trauma lasted a moment, I understand maybe someone died but it was done and completed in that moment. Ours lasted every minute of every hour of every day of every week of every month for 8 months. We lived through watching something horrific with no way of stopping it from playing out, we could only do what we could do to survive the moment to know it wasn't going to end there, that we would be back to relive it any moment. We had the people you would turn to to help you figure it out say don't come back, you are on your own. We were blessed by many first responders that  tried everything to brain storm with us to figure it out, they became like family as they tried to comfort us. We were also faced with some that thought it was all in our heads.

My hardest moment to get past is the night when I felt totally helpless and alone as I tried to hold my daughter safe as she kept on getting loose as she fought the terror the prescription had created in her mind of us being tortured and murdered before her eyes & her being raped. Have you ever experienced the raw emotion of someone watching their love ones being murdered one at a time. I can't get it out of my mind as I watched and listened to my daughter going through that very thing over and over again and there was nothing I could do about it, I was completely helpless.

I remember one night after the Doctor at the hospital had told me not to bring her back and when I told him it was 911 protocol, he told me not to call 911. We had ended up back there several times after and we knew that we were being left to wait for hours upon hours at a time for them to think eventually we would n't come back to see the nurse to be told we could go now or the Doctor to see her for 5 min after we waited for hours to say we could go now. I knew going there was a waist of our time as they had turned their backs on us. I was faced with a moment my daughter ended up getting into my mom's room and onto her bed and I was trying to restrain her as it was dangerous when she was loose as she was litterly fighting for her life and going through the motions & actions. I knew if I let her go she would be seriously hurt, I needed to hold on but she was getting to strong even for me as the adrenalin pumped through her body. I would find myself fighting with my own thoughts as I looked at the pillow next to her, could I just hold it long enough she would pass out so I could get a moment to be able to get the strength back to holder. Yelling at myself in my thoughts for even being able to think that for a moment I could use a pillow to do this as I could end up killing my own baby girl, God is who kept the right in a wrong situation. Only by the strength of God did I make it through that moment, the pillow was never touched. I had hit breaking point and this is why I ended up broken laying in my bed balling my eyes out soaking my pillow, the reason why when I screamed out to God that I can't do this anymore. He showed me why his son died for me, a sinner. God gave me his love and his forgiveness that night he dried my tears. I am haunted with the thought that me who is appalled by violence could even be pushed to the point of thoughts that are so wrong, thoughts I pray one day I can be freed from. How could a mother be pushed to this point to have these thoughts, I use to wonder, but I now know what thoughts you can be faced with when you are feeling totally helpless and pushed to breaking point to desperation. I thank God for being there that night.

I hope one day I don't have to continue to relive these horrific moments in my life, that we experienced in 2009

 to be continued.

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