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Wednesday, September 14, 2011

Going back to where I left off.

Continuing from "What Lies Around the Corner....."

My friend asked me to call the person that had got me the Job detailing RV's, who now worked at another employer. She had forwarded him my resume. I had called and he wasn't available, so I left him a message. I waited several hours and tried again. I was able to connect with him. He asked why I was not at the RV place anymore and I had explained to him the truth that after the trauma we went through my health was effected and I had become an unreliable. He asked if I was ready to go back to work and without hesitation I gave the automatic response yes, my heart started growing heavy after that yes. How could I say yes as I am still fighting the physical & emotional stuff from the trauma. I contacted them both and gave my apologies for wasting their time as I don't think I am passed what lost me my job of five years yet and all I would be doing is setting it up to happen all over again.

I find I am psycho annualizing everything now since the trauma. I always am having to ask myself is this true feelings are these ones created by the trauma and all that results from this is more confusion in my thoughts.

My son & I went to the fall kick off for our church, it was held outside at a stadium so that all five services can finally meet in one place. After the service, the Church had a old fashioned family picnic. My son and I sat like the social out casts we are looking out to the large groups of people spread out on their picnic blankets not feeling like we had any where to fit in. We left shortly after we finished the lunch we brought as it was not feeling ok just sitting there.

I was talking with the counselor today about us being social outcasts and thinking maybe I was autistic to, but I was thinking in my case it was more of a learned thing as I had learned over the years how to live in isolation. I am fine in social situations that are structured but  as soon as you put me in social free time I become isolated & frozen not knowing what to do. I am ok when people approach me, but I never can find away to walk into another group situation.

Ok it became way to late for me to finish tonight as my eyes close, I will try to finish as soon as I can. Goodnight!

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