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Saturday, December 31, 2011

Happy New Year! and My New Years Resolution..

Happy New Year, may 2012 be filled with blessings for you all!!

 My New Years Resolution is to walk in trust of the plans my savior has for me, learn to forgive myself more, and learn to be true to myself without being shaped by what the world would rather I be. I know that I'm an outcast in this world and you know 2011 has taught me that this is Ok, because I am not an Outcast where it matters, with Jesus Christ!

Outcast by Kerrie Roberts

Father thank you for all the lessons taught & learned in 2011 and for showering me with your grace when I did not deserve it. I ask that as we all journey into 2012 that you guide and protect us and Father I know only through you can I fulfill any of my resolutions help me Father . In Jesus Christ Name Amen.

Saturday, December 24, 2011

Merry Christmas! What a Christmas!

Merry Christmas to you all, may you be filled with peace, love and joy!

I can say this has been a very different Christmas for us this year, it has had it's sadness and it's joy.

We will be starting new traditions this year as we have three empty seats at our table this year, the three seats were held by what you could say were the glue that held our family together. My Papa has been gone now for his third Christmas, this will also be the second Christmas without my Nana and my Sister joined them in heaven this year and she is the newly empty seat at the table. We aren't sure who will show up for Christmas this year as my Brother is working this Christmas and we are not sure if his other half and their three girls will be coming to join us or will be staying home with him.

My brother-in- law will be spending his first Christmas without his wife of 26 years and is trying to avoid Christmas all together as this was my Sisters favorite time of year and would always go hog wild over it. I haven't talk to my nephew except for in brief passing since my sister passed, his mom. I don't know if any of them will be coming. I know that we have been told by the nursing home my Dad is in that we can't pick him up until after 4:30pm as they need to administer his insulin and other medications before he can come with us.

We might be having a quiet Christmas this year with just the five of us, no need for the plywood on the table this year. Leading up to Christmas this year the memories of those we have lost have been alive in our hearts as we remember all the traditions of old, bringing back happy memories and tears of missing them dearly.

I can say thought this Christmas hasn't been all sad as this Christmas became a Christmas filled with Blessings as God showered us with his gifts for us. We went into this season with the real possibility of us loosing our home, and no possibility of paying for my children's medical needs, never mind Christmas presents, many prayed for my family and God started by giving me back my full-time job that in all rights was gone and not only that my medical being reinstated in full alleviating my inability to support my children's needs.

I remember after getting my job back having to sit down with my children and breaking the news to them that there would be no presents under the tree as there was no way we could afford them as our mortgage payments were needing paid again and we would be starting the loan payment for the money that was put aside for paying our mortgage. I was so blessed by my children's response. My children told me that it was ok because that wasn't the true reason for Christmas anyways and God had already given us so much. My daughter asked "Mom since we aren't doing presents can we go to my church on Christmas day for a 11 am as they will be having a service and that is the reason for Christmas anyways. God blessed me by that response as my children humbled me.

God gave us one more present, My mom was talking to lady at the bank about the exact figures of our first loan payment that was suppose to be Dec. 22, when the Lady at the bank told her not to worry about it and have a Merry Christmas and they would talk about our first loan payment in the new year. We had put aside the money for the payment and now it was opened up to purchase the family some presents and be able to allow the blessing to flow outwards.

We sometimes get wrapped up in the need to buy gifts for those we love, to find that just perfect gift, at least I know I do. We have all the lights and glitter and need them to look just right. We join the crowds of people shopping in the stores. My children reminded me that the real meaning of Christmas did not come with all this, it came in a stable with the birth of a baby boy, a Savior/a Lord who was laid in a manger as their was no room for them in the inn. I type this and I think is there still no room in the inn, is it filled to full with lights, glitter, and presents that there has been no room left for the birth of a Savior in our lives.

The Real reason for Christmas:
Luke 1:26-45
Luke 2:1-21

Once again, Merry Christmas to You!! May your Christmas be filled with Hope, Peace, Love and Joy!!

Tuesday, December 20, 2011

Giving, A Hand Out or A Hand Up

I have been trying for the last while to figure out how to word what I am trying to say and hopefully now the words will come.

I know in the past when I have tried to explain it I most likely have come across as ungrateful and this has never been my intent. I realize I have lost most of my social edicate and mannerism over the years being isolated as a single parent of a special needs child, so I hope the heart and soul of what I am trying to say comes through.

I think I have found the difference between a hand out and a hand up, after speaking with a dear friend about it.

A hand out is when someone generously gives of the material needs of a person, example if some one is hungry you give food, someone can't afford a bill you pay that bill, someone is in need of a service such as counselling you purchase the service. These are all admiral acts of kindness and generosity, but could something be missing.

When I was diagnosed with cervical cancer and was forced to have a hysterectomy, I was laid up for weeks. I was a new christian and I had been attending a coffee connection at a local church. I didn't know anyone real well. While I was at home recovering, I was surprised by a visit at the door from one of the ladies from the church with a gift of a meal and company. I have to say even though the meal was appreciated the company of the lady was far more valued. I was given the gift of the knowledge that someone cared enough to take time out of their lives to say that I was not alone and someone actually cared about me as a person and gave me a sense of belonging.

I never really understood the impact those ladies had on my healing until we went through the trial of 2009 and the time that followed, they had given me a more than a handout, they gave me a hand up.

In the beginning of that time I was blessed by four people, in the christian community, that offered to my family that sense of care and  belonging as they sacrificed their time to be there when we needed them, even if we didn't always take them up on their offer, just knowing they were there and that they offered, made the world of difference. They searched past the "How are you doing?"" I am ok...I'm surviving..." They took the time to look behind the answer.

Season's changed and two of the four do to their own trials moved away. I was thankful though to a friendship that grew with the third person and she always knew when to say hey it's time to go for coffee and she would sit their with an open ear, filled with heart.

I would start to feel bad that I was always venting my stuff on her alone and even though we had a great God given friendship I was starting to feel alone and isolated. I would still get the assistance from the church for the counselling my family needed and I was grateful for that, but I was loosing my sense of belonging and the isolation would start growing. I was so blessed by my counselor and my dear friend, but feeling abandoned by the community I had just started feeling a part of. I had nothing of me left to reach out as my body and mind were breaking and the lack of personal human contact was feeding that brokenness of being. I was feeling like no one really cared, I was becoming a sense of obligation to those in the community to help support  my material needs, as this is the christian thing to do.

When we see someone in need do we search their hearts needs or do we not go pass their material needs? Sometimes the material needs are just the scratch on the surface, with a much deeper cut below the surface.

 When he had finished washing their feet, he put on his clothes and returned to his place. “Do you understand what I have done for you?” he asked them.  “You call me ‘Teacher’ and ‘Lord,’ and rightly so, for that is what I am.  Now that I, your Lord and Teacher, have washed your feet, you also should wash one another’s feet.  I have set you an example that you should do as I have done for you.  Very truly I tell you, no servant is greater than his master, nor is a messenger greater than the one who sent him.  Now that you know these things, you will be blessed if you do them. John 13:12-17

Sunday, December 4, 2011

Fast Forward to Now

 I left you just before the Testimony of 2009 with me planning for the inevitable , I had worked out a budget with a template online and was faced with the impossible reality that there was no way it could be done. I prayed to my Heavenly Father
"Father you are the great provider, you tell us why do you worry if I can take care of the birds, why not you?

Father I lay this in your hands. In Jesus Christ Name Amen."

I have to tell you now that God is the great restorer!! I can't believe how much has changed since that post just over a month ago. God has healed my mind from the trauma we went through. he has transformed me from the inside out. I have witnessed so many answered prayers to things I thought were impossible. 

I had been let go of my job because of my attendance do to the trauma, I guess you could say I was fired because of it. I had come to the end of my rope thinking that I had lost a job that was more like a family to me and how on earth would I ever get it back because in all rights it was gone for good, once someone fires you they don't generally hire you back. I have to say with God all things are possible as my job I lost gave me a second chance, as they rehired me last Thursday Permanent Full-time, with my benefits starting right away. What an answer to so many prayers, what a miracle, as we would no longer be at risk for loosing our house. I was going to be facing  this Friday coming up with a bill for $2,500. for my daughter sleep apnea machine, prayer was answered as because my medical was reinstated and I found out as long as my children live at home they are covered by my medical till they are 21, so my daughters machine will be covered under my medical. I received special Authority for a year for my son's medication for his Autism/ADHD, but found out that this only came into effect after I reached the deductible amount for the year and because it was not retroactive and only started in October it would not be covered for this calendar year or the beginning of the next as the deductible amount started over again in January and it would be  while before it was met for next year, another words it looks really good on paper but not in reality, but because my medical is reinstated his prescriptions are now covered again. Praising God so much for all that he is doing in my life!!! I may not always understand somethings but he is taking care of me no matter what!!

God has restored life back to the way it was before the trauma, with the new and improved version.

  "And the God of all grace, who called you to his eternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a little while, will himself restore you and make you strong, firm and steadfast." 1Peter 5:10

God does all that he promises to do!

He has written scriptures on my heart through this journey. You may ask how has he done this, I say it is a miracle! I am not a devout bible reader, no matter how much I try. I am finding though through the Holy Spirit God is bringing me to certain scriptures at certain times, in perfect timing.

The scriptures he has brought me to in the order he brought me to them:

God brought me to in the beginning to let me know I was about to experience something but I would not be walking it alone.

He brought me to this one when we were in the midst of it and I was loosing hope, to let me know that he was working with in me and refining my faith

God brought me to this one when the healing started to take place to show me that there was a purpose.

He is showing me that he is keeping his promise as he restores me, as he makes me strong, firm and steadfast in my faith, removing the fear and anxiety that was standing in the way of his purpose for my life.

Thank you Father for being true to your word, thank you for who you have made me to day a free child of God. Father I lift the people of this world up to you. I pray for their salvation Lord may they be set free to be who you purposed them to be, if they don't know you Father soften the walls to their hearts so they may see you the way you have aloud me to see you. In Jesus Precious name Amen.

Tuesday, November 8, 2011

Testimony of 2009

I would like to take you back to one sunny afternoon on April 13 of 2009. My mom, two children and I were returning from a lunch date with my dad in New Westminster. We had just gotten on the Freeway when my daughter had started experiencing hallucinations of spiders.
        She had been in emergency at the local hospital the night before where they had given her meds and she had experienced this hallucination of spiders for a few moments that night, this was after a 12 day stay in hospital do to breathing problems, they had put her on some medication as they thought the continued issue was her fear of stopping breathing causing panic attacks.
       I was driving us home on the Freeway doing the speed limit of 100km/h. We had hit around the Surrey/Langley border when things started to escalate as she became non coherent to us being with her and she started saying something about “DON’T HURT THEM, LEAVE THEM ALONE!!” She started ripping her necklace earrings and purity bracelets off as she was fighting what ever she was witnessing in her mind.
       My son grabbed the bible from the back seat and started reciting scriptures, my mom who was sitting next to me and had not been attending church except for special occasions since my dad lived with us when I was seven started recalling scriptures. We started reciting Psalm 23:
The LORD is my shepherd; I shall not want.
 He makes me lie down in green pastures.
He leads me beside still waters.
 He restores my soul.
He leads me in paths of righteousness
   for his name’s sake.
Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death,
   I will fear no evil,
for you are with me;
   your rod and your staff,
   they comfort me.
You prepare a table before me
   in the presence of my enemies;
you anoint my head with oil;
   my cup overflows.
Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me
   all the days of my life,
and I shall dwell in the house of the LORD
. We were just about at Abbotsford when she took her seatbelt off and started to try exiting our mini van while I was still driving at 100km/h. I managed to get onto the edge of the Freeway. I slowed our mini van down hoping to be able to get off the Freeway; my mom had already called 911. We got to the Clearbrook Rd exit when we were faced with a dilemma, we would have to go back onto the Freeway lane to get around the support for the over pass and my daughter was still trying to exit the mini van. We heard the sirens; help was on its way. The Firemen had come to our assistance. All I can remember is they got my mom and my son out of our vehicle. Where my son was sitting now sat a fireman named Terri trying to calm my daughter down. I was asked to move over to where my mom was in the passenger’s seat and another fireman climbed into the driver’s seat and asked if it was ok if he drove our vehicle, I said “Yes”. He gunned it around the support post to the over pass onto the grass center of the off ramp. All I could see was the fire trucks and ambulances, with the attendants waiting to take my daughter to the hospital.
I know now that when the Bible came out and God’s word was being recited, God was telling us we were not alone.
Over the next 8 months our lives were drastically altered as my daughter would go through episodes of going back into these hallucination states where she would live through in her mind us being murdered one by one, over and over again and she would be raped in her mind not coherent to us being there. We would be witness to the real live emotions that she would show in her face & actions as she experienced fighting for our lives and the grief that would come over her as she thought each of us were killed. We would find ourselves calling over 60 times to 911 in that time. 911 wouldn’t even ask for our information anymore they would answer with “they are on there way Mrs. Bennett” as my mom called. I would find myself having to physically restrain her, for her own safety, until help came. I in her mind from restraining her would become the attacker in her mind. I would get the full wait of her trying to get away as I would be bitten and beaten black and blue from head to toe. I have to tell you though I know God was standing between me and her. I felt nothing as her teeth bear down and she was hitting me trying to escape the people that were murdering her family.
           I was asked once by a Police officer if I wanted to charge my daughter and I responded by saying “I would be the first one to charge her if she was attacking me, but how could I charge her for doing everything she should be doing, as in her mind she was protecting her family.
          I have seen my daughter handcuffed on way to many counts, to restrain her for her safety. I witnessed my daughter as the Police officer was removing the handcuffs begging him on her hands and knees to lock her up because she was becoming a monster and she did not want to hurt anyone.  I still remember one time my daughter was just released from the Emergency at the hospital and we didn’t even make it home when she started in one again and we were surrounded by Police Cars in the Save-On-Foods parking lot and they removed her from our vehicle, handcuffed her and took her back to the hospital one more time. She had such adrenalin running through her body at one point she had me, at 240 lbs, two feet off the ground.
               God gave me a verse over that period of time that helped me get through what we were going through and what we would be yet to face. He was letting me know we weren’t walking this alone. 1 Peter 1:6, 7:
-In this you greatly rejoice, though for a little while you may have had to suffer grief in all kinds of trials. These have come so that your faith- of greater value than gold, which perishes even though refined by fire-may be proved genuine and may result in praise, glory and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed.
            My daughter would be admitted to the APU( Adolescent Psychiatric Unit) as I didn’t know what was going on. I only had my suspicions and this voice that kept on having me request she be weaned off all the medications from the beginning, with no success. I felt admitting her was the best way to keep her safe.
            I was so terribly wrong, I wouldn’t realize till after her second admission.  I would be faced with asking the Psychiatrist in charge if I could share what I was seeing and before I could get two words out would be faced with his hysterical laughter. I waited for him to calm down and requested if I could finish and was met with a yes and before I could get the next two words out he was in hysterical laughter one more time. I had earlier noticed the lack of respect from this Doctor towards the patients and their families and had voiced this to the social worker and the nurses, so when I received this reaction I just looked at the social worker.
              We would soon face the reality that the health care system had no idea what was happening to my daughter, as they insisted it was all in her head and that she was a temper tan trimming teenager. I was taken aside by one of the Doctor on September 14 of 2009 to a room away from my daughter where he proceeded to tell me there was nothing they could do for her and for me not to bring her back and when I told the doctor it was 911 protocols, he told me not to call 911.  I was devastated, feeling abandoned and alone by the people I relied on and trusted for help.
            We also were faced with the reality of spiritual warfare over that time as every time God’s truth would try to enter my daughters mind or prayer she would either become out cold or scream in massive pain. We got to the point when we sat down for meals we would put pillows around my daughters chair because as grace started she would become out cold and on the floor. I would drive towards the church and she would scream in pain and beg me to turn around and the closer we got the worse it would get until we would be on church property she would become out cold.
            I would take my daughter to a Pastorate I went to up on the Mountain. I started to see the pastorate was starting to speak truth into my daughter’s questions and doubts and I could see the change starting in her. She told me we needed to go as she could feel it coming on. I asked her when we got to our vehicle if she could hold it off till we got off the mountain as it was a foggy dark night and it was a windy road with steep drop off’s. She assured me she could, half way down it became apparent she wouldn’t but this time it was different she would stay coherent but I would soon find out why it was different as it wasn’t what she normally went through. I wasn’t just driving my daughter and me off that mountain; I was also driving with Satin. I was so terrified as I had never in my life experienced this before and truly didn’t believe in it at least until that moment as I witnessed my daughter fighting for her soul as I tried helping.
         She would be done by the time we got home, at least so I thought. I would soon realize as I drove from home to pick up my son at youth that the closer we got to the church the more the fight was on. I finally got to the church and parked at the very back away from where everyone else parked. I was terrified and freaked out by this point. I tried phoning the Youth Pastor but there was no answer. I phoned my son and asked him to bring me either to Youth Pastor or Care Coordinator. I explained to the Care Coordinator what had just taken place at she told me someone would be right out. Pastor of Youth, the Executive Pastor and another lady who was a prayer warrior came out to the van and I was told we needed to pray for her and that I needed to lead the prayer. I explained I had never prayed out loud. The Lady took me a side and encouraged me that I could do this and that I needed to do this for my daughter. I prayed out loud for the very first time.
  Not long after, The Youth Pastor gave me a copy of the freedom verses and I am in Christ statements and told me that I had the authority through Christ over the demonic, I didn’t need to be a Pastor to do this, I never knew that, I should declare these verses for my Daughter.
       We would soon be faced with a night none of us will forget as my daughter started into one of her episodes and it would soon change as we all witnesses a deep male voice come out of my daughters mouth  that told us that she was his and we wouldn’t get her back, the battle was on. We started declaring the verses putting my daughters name in them, the fight escaladed to finally she was set free as I demanded Satin to leave by the power and authority I was given in the name of Jesus Christ.
       My daughter would return back to her normal episode where she would come up to me and say mommy I’m not feeling well and before I could put my arms out to catch her you could watch every muscle in her body relax. She would drop to the ground and then moments later the non coherent hallucinations would begin. She got to near the end where she would cycle in and out for 2 three hour sessions in a day.
    I had spent many days & nights begging God to just take me home and set my daughter free. I was asked many times over that period if I had ever thought of taking my own life and my answer always stays the same “no” I feared being separated from God more, because how can you ask God to forgive your sin if your last sin was murdering yourself, you wouldn’t be around to ask for forgiveness.
        I finally became broken and found myself curled in the fatal position in my bed balling my eyes out, soaking my pillow as I river of tears flowed. I screamed out to God “I CAN’T DO THIS ANYMORE!!!!!!” before the last words would finish leaving my lips I could feel God drying my tears, there was not a tear to be found as my face and pillow became bone dry. I was flooded with a peace beyond understanding and I could feel the love of my heavenly father wrapped around me. I had died to myself and was reborn. I was still faced with what we were going through but it was now in my Heavenly Fathers arms.
        Shortly after that night doors started opening up, wisdom started flowing in and God gave me the strength to wean my daughter off all the prescriptions as he assured me I knew how as I had learned with my son’s Autism medications. As the medication weaned out of her body the symptoms she was experiencing would leave as well, we were finally being able to breath. My daughter would be reconnected with her birth Doctor from Maple Ridge who had semi come out of retirement and he referred her to VGH Epilepsy Clinic where it was confirmed that my daughter was having medication induced status seizures and was assured once the medication had totally left her system life should return back to normal. I praise God for what he has done for my family. I would never sign up for what we went through but I would never give up the relationship I have with Jesus Christ now because of what we went through.    
God has now brought me to the verses in 2 Corinthians 1:3-11:
Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our affliction, so that we may be able to comfort those who are in any affliction, with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God. For as we share abundantly in Christ’s sufferings, so through Christ we share abundantly in comfort too. If we are afflicted, it is for your comfort and salvation; and if we are comforted, it is for your comfort, which you experience when you patiently endure the same sufferings that we suffer. Our hope for you is unshaken, for we know that as you share in our sufferings, you will also share in our comfort.
For we do not want you to be ignorant, brothers, of the affliction we experienced in Asia. For we were so utterly burdened beyond our strength that we despaired of life itself. Indeed, we felt that we had received the sentence of death. But that was to make us rely not on ourselves but on God who raises the dead. He delivered us from such a deadly peril, and he will deliver us. On him we have set our hope that he will deliver us again. You also must help us by prayer, so that many will give thanks on our behalf for the blessing granted us through the prayers of many.
Please if you have any questions contact me at:
God is calling me to publicly share the testimony he has given me, if you have a place you would like me to share the comfort I was blessed with please let me know.

Saturday, November 5, 2011

Being Renewed

I was this last few weeks feeling very week and overwhelmed by my circumstances as the trials of this life continue. I had been distracted and consumed by them taking my eyes off of what was important. I was letting Satin to distract me from focusing on God's promise.

I had started back to my job part time on a regular bases but instead of seeing the blessing I was given I was distracted by still not having enough for the mortgage. Satin was successfully distracting me from God, as he used fear and anxiety.

I went to my Pastorate ( "Pastorates are a congregation-sized gathering of between 20 and 35 people who meet bi-weekly on a mid-week evening to connect with others through sharing a meal and worshiping in song, prayer and study together.") on Tuesday and at the end of the Pastorate we broke into small groups to pray for each other. I promised myself I would not go into detail. I would only ask for God's strength and peace as the trials cont. and I was going to leave it at that. I have to say the Holly Spirit had something else to say about that, as I found myself blurting out, with no stopping it that we were facing loosing our home. I did managed to hold back that this mean we were facing becoming homeless. They prayed for my family and I. I had dropped my daughter off earlier to her Pastorate and she found herself faced with the same situation. 

Wednesday, I had gone to Alpha and was soon to find out that this was the healing & prayer night. I filled out a prayer card asking for God's strength and peace as the trials continue coming. 

God gave me a gift that night. He gave me a moment to pray for someone else by laying my hand on them. I had never done this before. I found myself being lead by the Holy Spirit as I spoke out loud. I could feel that feeling that is really hard to put into words, except for the power of God's mercy and love in that moment. I found out later the person I had been praying for had also experienced a feeling they had never experienced before. I went home from that night excited about what I had witnessed.

I woke up the next morning feeling renewed, full of God's peace, joy and strength for the day. I went off to work with my IPod Nano in hand filled with my praise music.  I was detailing the Exterior of a Class A motor home in the wash bay at work in the beautiful sunshine that was poring down on me.  I all of a sudden realized I had been caught doing something I had never done before in the years I had worked previously, as I heard this voice ask "Was that you I heard singing?" I think my face went three sheets of red as I came to the realization the answer was "Yes". I had been carried away with the song that had come on my IPod "Jesus Take The Wheel" by Carrie Underwood I had left where I was for a moment as I sang this song with the same passion I had one lonely night in 2009, as I followed the ambulance like I had many times before. I remember that song coming on Praise 106.5 and I was singing it with all my heart and sole as I plead with God to take the wheel as my life was slipping out of control. 

I was pleading with him one more time, as I had wondered so far again and took the wheel back and I was so ready for him to take the wheel again. 

I have been so filled with his peace & joy beyond understanding since. I have come to realize no matter what I loose, I will never loose his love he has for me and that is far greater than anything I can receive in this world.

God has flooded me with his truth as he brings me back to the scriptures he has taught me, in the order he has taught me:
Psalm 23
1 Peter 1:6-7
2 Corinthians 1:3-11

Father, hallowed be your name.Your kingdom come. Give us each day our daily bread, ad forgive us our sins,(I need your help here father) for we ourselves forgive everyone who is indebted to us. And lead us not into temptation." In Jesus Christ Name Amen.
Luke 11:1-13  

Sunday, October 30, 2011

Planning For The Inevitable

I have been trying to work out possibilities and options if we have to sell the house. I have told my Mom that if we have to sell the house after all the bills are paid the equity in the house that is left is hers, as she is so afraid of loosing all that she worked for over the years and can't get another mortgage that will hopefully get her a home that will sustain her in the future.

I found a web site that tells you a budget with what percentage of your income should go to what expenses in your life. I was faced with a reality that only God can help me with. I have taken what my income will be after November, taking the pay from the three days of work I get a week from work, $1134.28 a month. Using their list & percentages this is what it breaks down to a month:

Food:                                                          $148.59
Housing:                                                      $373.18
Apparel & Services:                                      $45.37
Transportation:                                            $216.75
Healthcare:                                                    $66.92
Entertainment                                               $56.71
Personal care products and services:          $14.75
Reading:                                                        $3.40
Education:                                                   $21.75
Misc.:                                                          $17.01
Cash Contributions:                                     $38.57
Personal Insurance and Pensions:             $112.29
Tithing:                                                       $19.29

Now place this budget with the reality of life:
-needing a minimum of a 3 bdrm place,
-enough for son's prescriptions that are over $100.00 a month
-feed three people, while my children get educated so they can support themselves.

Father you are the great provider, you tell us why do you worry if I can take care of the birds, why not you?
Father I lay this in your hands. In Jesus Christ Name Amen.

Saturday, October 29, 2011

Halloween Transformed or Has It Always Been

I use to think "What harm is there in dressing up and participating in Halloween?" I didn't see any problem with it when my kids were little I use to get them all dressed up and we would head out the door with their plastic buckets and me holding their pillow cases for them to dump their candy in. We would walk around our quite large town house complex as we went door to door. We use to live where everyone far and wide wood drop off their kids for trick or treating as we would see a good 300 kids in that night.

The funny thing about me taking the kids out was one was suspected to be borderline diabetic and was not able to eat candy and the other was allergic to dairy, so they couldn't really eat what they were collecting and they knew it. They both though had fun doing it.

I can say since our experience in 2009 our thoughts on Halloween have been transformed. Where once we saw innocent fun we now see darkness. We are now sensitive to all that Halloween has to show. We drive or walk by a display and we are creeped right out as the darkness and heaviness that it brings. Where once innocence stood now stands evil. Like a Trojan in the night with no one aware the darkness creeps in.

You may say to me  "Have finally lost your crackers?", but if this is so how is it that I am not the only one feeling this change and awareness?

We are told in scripture that we don't battle against flesh and blood, but against spiritual forces of evil. Ephesians 6:10-20

So I ask you to guard yourselves and those you love this Halloween from that you can not see, because of what we witnessed in 2009 I can tell you this is not folklore. I ask you to remember the truth when faced with darkness. Jesus died on the cross and rose again to save us and pay the price for our sins and he alone holds the keys. Revelation 1:17-19

Father thank you for all that you have done for us and the things you can continue to do in our lives. I ask for an extra measure of protection over everyone this Halloween. Open our eyes to the unseen  and the Trojan Horses of this world. Help us stand strong in you and your truths. In Jesus Christ Name Amen.

Thursday, October 27, 2011

Coming to the Realization and the Answer to Going or Not

I went last night to the volunteer position. We start the night with a meeting including a devotional & prayer. I came to the realization after a long time of experiencing things that since the trauma we experienced I am more sensitive to the presence of the Trinity & of the Demonic being present. We were praying last night and I was flooded with the presence of God in that prayer as my whole body could feel it, this wasn't the first time. I had been prayed for by the leader and other helper at my table last week and I was overtaken by the presence of God to the point I was fighting to stay standing as they prayed. I find now whether it be at Sunday service or any large group I can tell what presence is stronger, the Trinity or the Demonic and I can say I do not like the heaviness and darkness that comes over me when the demonic is present, but when the Trinity is present it is very light and loving and a place you never want to leave. I don't know why God has given me this sensitivity to the light and the darkness. My daughter & son as well can feel it now as well.

I had really know God was calling me to share this weekend away of his love and how through extreme trials he is walking with us and let us know we are not alone but unfortunately, I was told the cost could not be justified for them to pay as no one at our table was going. I saw God's plan unfold. He took me to volunteer, he told me the position he wanted me to take, helper, he fulfilled that after I left the position blank. He told me from the beginning he wanted me to testify at the weekend away to his love even through the difficult times when we don't understand what is happening. I sat at the meeting last night and they called for people to share their Holly Spirit and God moments this weekend, I was the first one with my hand up as I knew this is what he had called me to do. I spoke with the gentleman who had made the request later and gave him a part of our experience I had witnessed God through the trauma and he even made the joke maybee we could call me up a couple of times. I sat and went through till there was an opening to talk to the assistant and that is when I was told they could not justify paying for me to go on the weekend. 

I leave it in Gods hands now, I have done all that I can do. I would have paid for the weekend away if I had the money to do so, but i don't. Oh and for all those who watched the show I was in the only things you saw in the show that were mine was the paper work I was going through, my bed, my dresser, my clothes and the upright freezer down stairs. I do not own anything else, I some times wonder if that has been an assumption when people look at me that she has all that so she must just be hiding her money. I have to say "No my wealth does not come from money it comes from my faith in God and his son Jesus Christ."

Monday, October 24, 2011

Confused and Conflicted

I am feeling confused and conflicted in my walk. God I believe is showing me one thing and I am hearing something different in my interactions with my siblings in Christ.

I hear God say leave the things of value to this world and come follow me.
 "Mathew 16:23-25"
 "Mathew 19:20-22

I have been brought to a place of trust in God for our provision as I no longer have a full time job or any of the benefits that comes with in this world.

 I use to be this self reliant person who depended on only one person myself to provide all my needs, never leaning on others for help because it was a sign of weakness and could set you up for being hurt. God has brought me to a place free of pride, full of humility, humbleness & trust in him, as he teaches me it is ok to ask for help and that I do not have to do it alone.

God is teaching me to walk by faith alone. I finding though that I am also being taught that it isn't just the world that will challenge this but those who I thought would understand this walk are surprising me by their reactions.

I felt God leading me to a volunteer position that was well out of my comfort zone but I left the door open with my hand in is as he lead me. I felt his prompting to go on the weekend away that this volunteer position would lead to. I have no money and this weekend would cost, but for the position I would need to commit to going so at the beginning I made it very clear that I didn't feel I could serve Jesus in this way as I could not afford it to those running it. I filled out the volunteer form leaving the area blank to what position I would be volunteering as and put where God leads. I knew there were many other choices that would not need me to go on the weekend and I would leave it open with the disclosure there was no way I could afford any part of the weekend away.

I was selected as a helper,the position I had felt God leading me too, this meant I would need to register for the weekend away and ask for a subsidy, something I have to say when you live with the gift of poverty you are constantly taught humility every time as you hate to have your hand stretched out for help one more time. I had faith that this was what God wanted so I registered.

When I registered and said that I would need to be subsidized I was told that they would like to know how much I could afford to pay. I swallowed my pride and confessed I was on God's income assistance program and wouldn't be able to afford anything as I didn't have the income to do so. I was told I would receive contact from the person in charge about the subsidy.

I was bad I assumed being my last communication stating I didn't feel I could afford to serve Jesus in this place that when I was put as a helper it had already been settled. My fault there for assuming.

I was in a really bad place last week as the Post Traumatic Stress Disorder was in high gear and I was feeling  like I was in a very heavy dark place, all I did was go to my scheduled things
i was committed to and came home and slept I barely ate. I dragged myself to go to my commitment of working in the kitchen at this volunteer position that I was asked if I could help because they were short of volunteers so I would go there before I needed to switch over to a helper at a table. I really didn't have the strength to be there but I had made a commitment and I don't desert my commitments. I was barely holding myself  together but I was making it through without loosing the mask I was wearing that said I am Ok!

I was approached by the person in charge and was told when I had a free moment if we could meet, so when I had time I went to meet him. I was concerned the whole time I was waiting to meet with him, I knew it was about the subsidy for the weekend away and I knew it wasn't going to be good especially the state of mind I was in.

I waited for him to finish his call then we sat to the side on one of the couches in the foyer. He started talking about my request for subsidy and he asked how much I would be willing to contribute towards the cost and I blurted out I had nothing as we were in the process of possibly loosing our house, by this point the tears started to flow and he started to explain that this was one of the rules because they needed to make sure that if they subsidized me to go that I would show up after them paying for me. I have to say at this point all my sense of value that I had left was leaving quickly at the judgement by someone who has no idea who I really am by that statement, a person that was and is a sibling in Christ who's words just cut me like a knife. All the stereo types I had been fighting my whole life came into this moment as I could feel the weight of judgement come upon me. I am a poverty stricken single parent  that by alright should mean I am unreliable to keep a commitment because those kind of people are just like that. I kept nodding my head in understanding of the rules as I was being torn up inside as I had all the scriptures from above and "Mathew 25:35-40"come flooding in my head.

I was getting mixed messages as God was telling me come follow me & trust in my provision through scripture and I was feeling like I was being told you aren't trust worthy or reliable enough to go unless you can provide a deposit of security. I was also confused as isn't our security suppose to rest on our Savior not on each others, what happened to compassion & love, is it all now about business and man made rules and less about faith.

I ended up breaking down. I dumped what we went through, how it caused where we were now and what I was facing now do to the trauma we experienced  as I turned into a babbling brook. I was asked if I was seeing any one at the church and I said I had been referred to a counselor through the church. He eventually, after me apologizing for not being able to keep my mask on and dumping on him, he reconnected the conversation back on how we would have to figure out if anyone in our group would have need for me to be there for the weekend away and we would have to look for away that would guaranty that if they paid for me that I would show up for the weekend. My merit alone and history with them and always following through wasn't good enough, yes I guess I am heading a bit of resentment of being judged in this way. I will hopefully hear what his assistant has decided as he goes away for a bit.

My heart is telling me the message is where once humanity, love and compassion once sat in this place, now lies the need for cheque's, balances, numbers and more of a growing business, this breaks my heart.

I am confused and conflicted because I am hearing the message that is being preached but the actions are not following and they are speaking loud and clear and I feel that there is no room at there for those who don't meet a certain standard of living and criteria, I am one of those who doesn't fit anymore.

I have thought of moving on from this place but every time I do I hear God say be still, I am not done with you here yet. I have witnessed Godless moments in this place that my son and me witnessed as a cloud of heaviness and darkness a rose over this place but I don't think God has given up on this place completely yet. I know he asked me to deliver a message of concern over the direction it was taking and I am starting to see why.

 I am hoping God realizes I'm not strong enough for what he is asking and it will only be done through his strength as my plate is so full already. On top of all this my daughter has healed enough that what she couldn't remember before her mind is starting to let her remember and I know that what she is remembering is horrific as it is the stuff I hoped she would never have to remember as we all want to be able to find a way to forget and be free of what we witnessed, as the tapes play on, curtain memories and emotions are triggered with no off switch to stop them from flooding in. We press on not knowing what the next moment brings.

Father thank you for the multitude of blessings, including those we sometimes take advantage of. I pray Father  for your wisdom and guidance as you ask me to walk in faith, totally dependent on you. I pray for you to guard the mind, body & soul of my family and friends and those reading this from the advances towards them by the enemy, as he tries to tear us down. Please place your healing hand upon us Oh Lord, free us from the cup you have given us, but over all this let your will be done. I pray this in Jesus Christ Name Amen.

Saturday, October 22, 2011

God is Leading Me

I have been wanting to write here for days now but God is the one who prompts me to write and he has been prompting me to not write for now, I do not know why but it is of his understanding not mine. I will trust that he has a purpose for this and will wait until he allows me to write again.

I will share though the link to the show that was filmed in our home this last spring as they have now posted it on line. "Consumed" we are episode 7, just click on the name and it will take you there.

I wait with great anticipation for God to allow me to speak again.

Tuesday, October 11, 2011


Happy Thanksgiving Day to all my Canadian friends and Happy Columbus Day to all our neighbors to the south!

Wow this has been a weekend to be thankful for! My weekend started with the blessing of a makeover and a removing of a dishwasher and the installing of another all by myself for the first time. We also were able to pick up red bark mulch that the last time cost us over $7. a bag for $3.99 cents a bag so we purchased their last 43 bags. You are probably wondering how I can purchase these with no money and no steady job, while at a risk of loosing the house. I will explain.

I feel if we are going to be forced to sell the house I want us to be able to get the most out of it we can, so I pulled out the MasterCard when I found the dishwasher almost 50% off as I didn't think it would look good to sell a house with a bungy cord holding the dishwasher closed, not to attractive if I do say myself. I also pulled out the M/C to pay for the bark mulch as I felt it was important for curb appeal to buyers if we have to sell and if we don't it will help with maintaining the garden that we never seem to be able to control the weeds in and with my arthritis can be extremely painful sometimes to do.

Explanation over now back to the good stuff, we managed to edge the grass along all the gardens, sidewalks and driveway in the front of the house. I managed to weed and trim all the gardens and move or thin out some of the plants. I also laid 37 bags of bark mulch down in the front gardens that made a dramatic impact on how our house looks from the street. We did this in the three days of the Thanksgiving weekend and I am so thankful the front has been finished. I never realized the emotional impact all this has had as we feel like we are starting a new beginning as we slowly get our lives back.

I feel like I have turned a chapter in my life and this one is revealing all the changes God has made in my life and the new beginning he is blessing me with as doors are opening. I am so thankful that God has given me a voice free of fear and shame to speak out and be who he created me to be. He has given me a voice to stand up to the unjust practices in this world. He has given me a voice to speak out in humanity, as it breaks my heart that humanity in this world is dying as I witness more and more people say it is not my problem so they pass it by.

I remember a world where common practice was to look out for your neighbors and help where you can and everyone new everyone around them and looked out for each other and their kids. I am blessed to be living in one of these neighborhoods that are becoming extincted. We have aloud technology to stand in the place where once relationships stood. When was the last time you called someone rather than email, text them or use social media? How much more time is spent with a screen standing between you and your friends & loved ones? I feel society has become very impersonal and we at risk of teaching the next generation how to have the traits of Autism that so many parents are trying to change in their children with Autism.

When are we as individuals going to stand up and say "I am the one that is going to make the change!" I can tell you as an individual you do have that power to make that change! Next time you go to message someone through a screen pick up the phone and call someone and hear their voice, make that human contact, make people matter!

I am thankful for the provision God has given me in my life and for the transformation I am witnessing in my life and most of all for the people in my life!!

What are you thankful for?

 What change are you going to make to make people matter?
 Remember it can be as simple as picking up the phone or going out for coffee.

Please share if you would like.

Father thank you for your ability to transform our lives! I pray Father that you give us the strength and wisdom to know that we can be that change in humanity. Please touch the people in this world in a special way so they know you have a plan and a purpose for them in this world. In Jesus Christ Name Amen.

Friday, October 7, 2011

Start to a New Beginning Along Side the Trials.

Today with all that I face, God gave me a day of pampering. I was given a gift of a new look today to go with the new beginnings that are starting. I thought it was a blessing enough that I applied to University, taking a leap of faith. I am feeling guided to take the life experience God has given me through advocating for my own children to go back to school to become a child advocacy lawyer. I have absolutely no idea if this is even going to work as we face loosing our house but I am at total peace with the path I am on now and it is being filled with light as the doors are opening.

God didn't stop there as one of my family in Christ told me to call and set up an appointment and go to Ambience Salon and get done to my hair what ever I wanted done even coloured if I wanted. this would be the third time I have been offered to have my hair cut as a gift, I ended up not doing it the first two times but for some reason this time I needed to go as I felt total peace as I was being lead to it. 

I made and appointment for this morning. I thought my Mom would come with me because she liked going to Langley and it was out that way but she said no as I had told her I would be a couple of hours and she didn't want to wander that long. I headed out a lone to be at my appointment for 11:30 am. 

I was asked by Sue, the hairdresser, what I would like just a cut, colour or foils. I said I don't know as I really didn't no what she meant by foils. I really never paid to much care about my hair before as I never could really afford much past the basic hair cut. I told her, she was the artist and my hair was a blank canvas that she could do what she wanted with. 

I figure she has all the experience more than I do, I would let her decide and leave it in God's hands as obviously he had a plan. I though did have one request to have it donated, I needed it to be tied at   both ends of the pieces cut off and they needed to be 12 in. long. 

Well here we go, time to do it.

I can't believe it, 
a new beginning 
cutting off the old me,
 looking forward to getting to know
 the new me. 
Wow that is short and I love it!

I looked in the mirror.
 I didn't recognize the person I was looking at in the mirror, 
this person looked way younger and prettier. 
I had never thought of myself this way before. 
I have always just been mom.
I was feeling good about myself for the first time in a very long time.
I am going to have to get to know this new me.

I decided to go to Sears and be a bad girl and get one new outfit, something I don't normally do and go to the make up counter and get my face done up to complete the make over.

I walked into the store and headed to the ladies department, but wandered for a little before i asked a lady that worked there where their plus sizes were. She said to follow her. She asked me what I was looking for and I told her I really didn't know. I told her when I left the house this morning I had long hair, but I was starting a new beginning and showed her the picture of my long hair. She got really excited as I told her I was looking for an inexpensive outfit to go with the new me.
She stayed with me and helped me with some suggestions of pants and tops. I was able to share with her my testimony and I had mentioned my son who had Autism while we were talking. She told me that she had a son with Autism as well, he was 17, I told her so was mine. 
She told me jeans are what is needed for going back to school. I found one pair I liked that fit when I tried them on. She took me to the counter and they had a scratch sale on so she had me scratch to find out how much I would save. I scratched and revealed 50% off. We both got excited as that was one of the larger amounts off. She went to ring it in, when I reminded her I was looking for a complete outfit. She put the scratch aside and then I tried on more. I ended up buying two out fits for the price of one. I was feeling a little guilt for buying myself something for me but it felt right and needed.
I went over two the make up counter and explained what I was trying to do and she did my makeup for me, completing the makeover and another God given conversation as we talked intensely about how great our God is through the trials she has faced and I have faced.
She kept on bugging me to smile, I said to her it is strange because I feel like I am smiling but I am not. She told me to keep the smile inside and it will come out in my eyes, it is just because I have spent way to long sad, but now it was time for a new beginning and the smile will come too.

I honestly feel like I am smiling in this picture, one day it will reach the surface for all to see the smile that is hiding. 
I had such a happy day where I for the first time felt I was worth something.

Thank you God for this day of pampering and letting me know that it is ok to take care of myself as well without feeling guilty!!

Sunday, October 2, 2011

My Mom And Me Talked

After going out in the back yard today, before it rained, to clean up the neglected gardens and find out that one of the riser to our back steps was rotten, as a friends husband came to replace a rotten step, my mom and I went out just the two of us.

We went out for groceries as I received some pay from working part-time for a job. We stopped for a bit of lunch as my mom had a coupon for 50% off. While we were waiting on our food my Mom asked me if I really wanted to go our separate ways. I said if she feels I am abusing her I don't think it is healthy for either of us to stay living together. She told me that I had one week that I was so depressed she was scared for me. We started talking and my concerns I have for the way she is acting she has for the way she said I am acting.  I told her I was feeling like I had lost all my responsibilities as an adult because she didn't trust me as an adult. She brought up when she went on cruises when my Dad use to take her and she would leave me responsible and I had to remind her that everything was always payed on time and there was no problems, she agreed. I told her I had absolutely lost any ounce of privacy and I since the filming in our house don't even really have any space except for my bedroom that I feel I belong and I don't even have that space to myself anymore. I told her I only felt my value was what I could bring home as an income. I told her I have lost my identity, what makes me independent from everyone else. I don't have privacy in anything I do from my bank account, my income, where I go or want to go, I always feel like I have to have permission to move or do anything.

I don't know how we did it but we ended up talking about how the medical system abused us & abandoned us and how unlike an abuser, rapist, cancer I went through, this was far worse than any of those as those I could leave in the past but I am faced every time I turn with the medical system and there is no leaving it behind never to halve to face again. She asked if the counselor was helping me with the post traumatic stress disorder, I said yes because without her it would be far worse.

I still get angry on how one prescription medication & one failed system could tear a families life apart and then walk away or pass you  continually on to the next person

I now have no clue what to do as the problems keep piling up and one day can be totally different from the other when it comes to my mom. I feel like I am on a roller coaster screaming and no one can hear me or choose not to listen.

Jesus please grant me a voice and the wisdom and strength to persevere. In Jesus Christ Name Amen.

Wednesday, September 28, 2011

Life Going Back to My Normal

After working for my old job for the last seven days strait I am back to not working until they need me again.

I soon realized today our lives would quickly get back to its normal. I woke up this morning and started working on the RV in the driveway again. While outside the bank phoned and informed my Mom that we would most likely have to sell the house unless we could figure out how to pay the mortgage payments in two months. Mom told her it was cheaper to pay the mortgage than rent and we would be no better off. Bank I know is only looking after their interest.

My daughter had to go for the results from her sleep test and I needed to take my son to finish filling out his funding forms at the university. I made an appointment for me to see someone in student services.

I have decided to go back to school as long as I can get past the kayos of life and my fear of not being able to follow through and get over the hurdles and obstacles I face. I want to go back to school to take law & psychology to become a child advocacy lawyer. Prayers please.

My daughter reminded me that she wants to move to Alberta to live with her Dad so she can finally get to know him and for him to get to know her, I understand her want & need to spend time with her Dad. She wanted to know what I thought and I refused to way in as this was a decision she needed to make, no one else.

I was breaking inside as I realized I had just lost my sister and now I would be loosing my daughter as she moved to far away for me to see her.

We finished at the university and headed off to my daughters appointment. My Mom was visibly upset that I couldn't just dump her off and go do what she wanted to get done. My daughter had asked me to come with her as she still doesn't feel comfortable with Doctors. I felt torn & angry that my Mom would make me have to choose. I stayed with my daughter and I am glad I did as she was diagnosed with severe sleep apnea, she had worn a monitor the night before and the results showed she stopped breathing at least 29 times in an hour and her oxygen levels dropped 74%. The Doctor said if she had been in hospital and these results happened they would of had to intubate her. I was sitting in chock. I know this means a very expensive piece of medical equipment that wasn't a want but a necessity for her health. Poverty just slapped me in the face again.

I have to admit my anger started rearing its head as I blame the medical system for renovating our lives as they turned it upside down and I would have still had my job and my extended medical if I hadn't lost my job do to the Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. I know I am suppose to be able to forgive and I want to but I can't seem to as it keeps slapping me in the face, Father forgive me, for my unforgiveness.

My Mom showed no care or concern for what my daughter was now facing as she talked over my daughter about something completely different from my daughters concerns.

My Mom continued talking to us as she normally does leaving each statement with a put down or dig to the person she is interacting with, the sad point is she doesn't hear herself doing it and feels there is nothing wrong and when I confront her on it she tells me I am abusing her. I finally told her that if she feels like I am abusing her we need to part ways as it must not be good for her for us to stay living together, as I type this my Mom reconfirms the dogs hold more value than us as she speaks to them with kindness and care something we haven't heard our direction since we went through the trauma.

She told me I better figure out my housing or I would find myself living on the street. I told her I didn't want anything and that living on the street would be better than the prison I am living in now. Right now, I need my Mom's acceptance in everything I do for fear of her getting mad and her becoming extremely cold towards me or doing her famous huffing behind me thinking I can't hear her or her doing it to get to me. I am tired of being made to feel guilty for things I want to do with my life and feeling my life removes around her wants and needs. I told her I guess this means we need to sell the house and she can keep everything from it because I wasn't being accused of using her.

I thought my day couldn't get any worse when I came home to a letter from Employment Insurance letting me know that I had reached my 15 weeks worth of benefits and that I should notify my employer in regards to disability benefits if this applies. Well being I was let go and have no medical I know the answer to this one, we are about to go back to no income, no medical, and about to have no place to live. Life couldn't get any better than this.

The Medical system goes on with its life while mine crumbles beneath my feat. I will keep up the blogs until I have no access to a computer or internet. I don't know how long it will take until we have to leave our home and figure out if we can find a place that needs no money down and no monthly payment as I don't have either.

I am looking for a miracle God!! I know if you are bringing us to it you will get us through it even if it isn't how we would like it. I know it is for your greater plan that I can only see one peace of. In Jesus Name Amen.

Friday, September 23, 2011

Since the time before Last.

Since the time before the last post we went to the audition and the next day I went back to my old work for the first time in three months. I realized I had done allot of changing since then. I was no longer ashamed or fearful of what others would think of me & who I was. I was no longer a prisoner trapped inside me or was I. I was free for the most part as what we went through I can now openly talk about without fear, I can admit to myself and others that I still have my struggles that I face from what we went through. I was ok for the first two days back at work but the third day was a challenge as I still have the video tape of moments we experienced that bring me back to that moment and time and that day was difficult. I know I have to fight them and I for the first time while working found it difficult to fight them and experienced what I would call tremors as I found myself getting shaky during the video tape. I was at the tradex the opening morning of the show helping finish with set up, when my mind started replaying the moment from the RV show in 2009 when I was about to head home and got the dreaded call saying my daughter was going into one and my mom & son didn't have the strength to keep her safe when she was like this. I knew it was at least a 20min. drive home before I could get there. I was overwhelmed with terror of all the possibilities of what I would face when I got there. They had called 911 but how long would it be before they arrived, would I get there before them.

I find that the triggers to these video tapes could be just in things that happen in my daily schedule or they can be as simple as a sentence like " I don't feel well mom" as I catch the terror that runs through me when these words are said together.  I have had people out of care try to compare what we went through to a trauma they went through and I am screaming inside as most of the times the cause of their trauma lasted a moment, I understand maybe someone died but it was done and completed in that moment. Ours lasted every minute of every hour of every day of every week of every month for 8 months. We lived through watching something horrific with no way of stopping it from playing out, we could only do what we could do to survive the moment to know it wasn't going to end there, that we would be back to relive it any moment. We had the people you would turn to to help you figure it out say don't come back, you are on your own. We were blessed by many first responders that  tried everything to brain storm with us to figure it out, they became like family as they tried to comfort us. We were also faced with some that thought it was all in our heads.

My hardest moment to get past is the night when I felt totally helpless and alone as I tried to hold my daughter safe as she kept on getting loose as she fought the terror the prescription had created in her mind of us being tortured and murdered before her eyes & her being raped. Have you ever experienced the raw emotion of someone watching their love ones being murdered one at a time. I can't get it out of my mind as I watched and listened to my daughter going through that very thing over and over again and there was nothing I could do about it, I was completely helpless.

I remember one night after the Doctor at the hospital had told me not to bring her back and when I told him it was 911 protocol, he told me not to call 911. We had ended up back there several times after and we knew that we were being left to wait for hours upon hours at a time for them to think eventually we would n't come back to see the nurse to be told we could go now or the Doctor to see her for 5 min after we waited for hours to say we could go now. I knew going there was a waist of our time as they had turned their backs on us. I was faced with a moment my daughter ended up getting into my mom's room and onto her bed and I was trying to restrain her as it was dangerous when she was loose as she was litterly fighting for her life and going through the motions & actions. I knew if I let her go she would be seriously hurt, I needed to hold on but she was getting to strong even for me as the adrenalin pumped through her body. I would find myself fighting with my own thoughts as I looked at the pillow next to her, could I just hold it long enough she would pass out so I could get a moment to be able to get the strength back to holder. Yelling at myself in my thoughts for even being able to think that for a moment I could use a pillow to do this as I could end up killing my own baby girl, God is who kept the right in a wrong situation. Only by the strength of God did I make it through that moment, the pillow was never touched. I had hit breaking point and this is why I ended up broken laying in my bed balling my eyes out soaking my pillow, the reason why when I screamed out to God that I can't do this anymore. He showed me why his son died for me, a sinner. God gave me his love and his forgiveness that night he dried my tears. I am haunted with the thought that me who is appalled by violence could even be pushed to the point of thoughts that are so wrong, thoughts I pray one day I can be freed from. How could a mother be pushed to this point to have these thoughts, I use to wonder, but I now know what thoughts you can be faced with when you are feeling totally helpless and pushed to breaking point to desperation. I thank God for being there that night.

I hope one day I don't have to continue to relive these horrific moments in my life, that we experienced in 2009

 to be continued.