Thank you for allowing me to be alive this week and for being my strength, when I am week!
You know every moment that will come my way and you know my needs. Father thank you for loving me in my weakness.
Father the lies started creeping back into my head again this week, since the set back with my arm, I do though in the back of mind I know you have a purpose in this.
I found out last week I would be going to get a bone scan at the hospital on July 6, that would mean spending a whole day at the hospital that is where I spent most of my time during the refining fire of 2009. I started to feel the anxiety and flashbacks from the PTSD(Post traumatic stress disorder) come back and it had bean a very long time since I had been brought back here.
Light Bulb Moment
Father I am finding every time I pray against the enemy, I fall under attack. I had prayed for friends who left for a missions trip to an orphanage in Mexico, as my girlfriend and her husband were falling under spiritual warfare. You stopped me in my tracks one day to pray against the garasens, gate keepers and principalities that were coming against them, I knew it was you because I don't normally pray against those when praying for my friends and family, even though maybe I should.
I also started feeling ugly and fat, a couple of weeks ago,(after I prayed) something I don't normally feel or think about, but this time it was becoming overwhelming as felt even uglier to the point of thinking who would even want to look at me or even consider me for anything more than what I am now, an ugly fat cow with no way out of the life I was stuck in now, everyday. My heart though was telling me that these were the lies of Satin trying to oppress me one more time and rob me of my hope and my future, but that hope and future God has promised me! (Jeremiah 29:11, Psalm 139:13-18)
Father I thought if I aloud my mom to die my hair, last weekend and then go strait for a haircut, as you blessed me with the funds to do so, that it would make me feel better, and I wouldn't feel so ugly, but as this week continued even with the new hair due I was feeling uglier and uglier.
I went to physio on Tuesday and as I waited in the waiting room I was faced by one of the Dr.'s from the hospital that was part of the refining fire of 2009 , I don't know if he recognized me. He was only about 6 ft away from me.
I sat there as the video tape of the moment in 2009 played in my mind, as I felt the emotions of that time come flooding back. He was the 1st. Doctor I had gotten enough courage to say I was not leaving, after only being there a total of 5 minutes with the Dr. and being told to go home without any answers or help. I wasn't leaving!! I have to say that was one of those many futile moments. I was filled with such frustration, helplessness, pain and anger back then, and all those emotions came crashing like a wave in a storm against the shore. I thank you Father for giving me your strength to get through that moment and through my appointment, as the anxiety raged through me, knowing Sat bone scan was coming.
The feelings I was feeling from everything were starting to drown me, I wasn't sleeping and by Friday I finally did what I should have done in the beginning Father I prayed asking for your help and ran to my brothers and sisters in the church for prayer:
I could really use your prayers as it has been a week of Spiritual Warfare, Depression and PTSD, as I run into people, spend time at places and see things that trigger flashbacks to what we went through in 2009. I thought they were gone but this week they are back like a vengeance. I go on Sat at 8:00 am to the hospital to spend a full day there well I get my bone scan and really need your covering in prayer as it is one of the biggest triggers to the PTSD. I don't know why I am being brought back to these painful memories that I thought were long gone, but I know through your prayers God will carry me through this valley as well.....Thank you for your prayers!
I posted this on the Churches Facebook Prayer Group and I emailed it to my pastorate. Father I had received a response that convicted me that I may have been coming across ungrateful for all that you have done for my family and I. Father that is not the case at all!!! I am very grateful for everything because without you I would not have endured what we had gone through.
I wrote a response to that convicting response trying to clear up that miss understanding and sent it via email and Church prayer group on FB:
I might have come across as ungrateful in an earlier post, Please understand that I am very great full for all that God has done in my families and my lives as there are far to many to count. I also know he will send me many trials as he refines my faith. I know God will deliver me through this as he has many times before.
God has also called me to remove the mask I once war and be real and not allow what I experience to be a blanket of shame to be hidden and to be a weapon of the enemy against me, like he has used in my past. I am finding the more I am open about everything the less power it holds over me and instead of becoming Skeletons in my closet, God turns them into Testimonies of his love to all who are witnessing the trials I go through and the comfort God gives me in my weakness, as he brings it all back to Glorify Him!
I am very blessed by what God has done for my children, mom, my family and I through what we experienced in 2009, as we all went through so much then, as my sister was terminal during that time with Kidney failure and my grandmother would be diagnosed terminal with Kidney Failure as well during what we were experiencing and both would pass away not that long after, but through that God’s presence was greatly felt.
I trust God Completely! I though am weak, but through Christ alone do I find my strength, as the Devil plays with my mind and thoughts. God has taught me to run to my family in Christ for prayer, and pray in the Spirit in all occasions. Ephesians 6:10-20
Thank you for your Prayers! A Couple in me Pastorate shared this with me “The bible is a book about suffering, with the greatest suffering of Christ taking our sin on the cross. What are we to do with suffering and trials? Why do we have suffering? The answer is in Romans 5. “ I have also found the answers in 2 Corinthians 1:3-11.
God also brought me to this verse in the Bible tonight: “ During the days of Jesus’ life on earth, he offered up prayers and petitions with fervent cries and tears to the one who could save him from death, and he was heard because of his reverent submission.” Hebrews 5:7
Thank you all for being my family in Christ!
May God continue to Guide and protect you all, as well as those you care for!Light Bulb posted as a comment afterwards:
wow I was just thinking about what I posted and the picture of Adam and Eve right after they ate the forbidden fruit and the fall began, as they covered themselves up with fear and shame, as God came walking through the garden calling them came flooding through my mind.....
Father I never knew that this was how you would deliver me from the darkness I was under and would shine light to drown the darkness out!
I didn't realize as I wrote my response and focused on what you meant to me, how grateful I was for everything you had done, testified to what you have bean doing in my life, what you have been teaching me and all the scriptures you brought to me as I wrote, you were replacing the enemies lies with your living truth. I found the peace and joy return, as well as the beauty. You gave me the strength to start walking again with camera in toe and look back through the lens at the beauty you created helping me find the beauty with in once again.
Father thank you for never forsaking me and always loving me and picking me back up and holding me when I fall. Father I am forever grateful for what you have done in my life and continue to do!!
Father I lift up to you a family from the church that were hit by a drunk driver as they headed home from church on Sat. Father heal the physical and emotional wounds they have experienced from this, cut away with the sword of the spirit anything that has clung to them from the enemy that might created bondage from this incident. Father fill them with forgiving hearts for the one who did this to them, as you forgave us.
Father I also lift up my Best Friend Linda and her husband and the team they went with them to the orphanage in Mexico. Father do great things in them and through them as they serve you! Father I pray against any gate keepers, garrasons or principalities that may be coming against them and cut them away with the sword of the spirit and be returned to the pit of hell where they belong to never return.
Father thank you for the thoughts you brought to me this morning for my daughter about her dilemma as it takes time and giving me the words to pray through it.
Thought or I guess you could call it a parable of a relationship( Father correct me if I am wrong):
A seed that is planted may appear on the surface like nothing is happening, but it is taking time to germinate and in that will need watered and fertilized, so that once it brakes through it can grow into a strong plant that could blossom and bare much fruit, but don't forget as that plant grows it will continue to need water and nutrients to grow or it will shrivel up and wither to nothing and die.
Father You know what my son is facing right now, I ask that you give him the wisdom and the tools Father and deliver him from what is not from you!
Father as my mom faces the bondage of illness and disability please give her the strength and wisdom to break free of all that is not of you!
Father I lift up the people of this world to you in mind, body and soul, may you flood them with your truth. Father remove the scales from their eyes and the hardness that has formed a barrier around their hearts, so they can no longer be blind to your truth and your Holy Spirit can flood their hearts. Father create an unquenchable thirst for your word, your truth and a deeper relationship with you! Father many are searching for something that is missing, help them to see that is you they are searching for and it is only you that can fill the hunger they have for more.
Father I ask you to touch Brayan , his, family and his community in a special way this summer, a way that brings you the honour and the glory!
Father I continue to ask you to consume me, break me and transform me.
Father in all of this let your will be done!!
In Jesus Name Amen!