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Wednesday, August 31, 2011

Going through the Grieving Process

I had gone to a clinic doctor on Friday after seeing my sister in the hospital, as it was to late to see our new family doctor. I knew after seeing my sister it was more of a good bye visit and I had no idea how I would be able to handle it if she passed away on the weekend. I asked the doctor for a low dose of Atavan, a sedative. I remembered how I had handle the dream of her passing and I knew I had to be there for my children if my sister passed away, I knew I might need help as all the loss & trauma started piling up and I feared I may break.

Mom & I went to see my sister on Saturday and I didn't know my mom was praying at the same time I was for God to take her from her suffering. We finally left and got home, when not to long after we received the call she was gone. I became numb. I gathered my children to give them the news of the passing of their Aunt. My daughters first response was "Who is next?" How do you answer that question as you know where it is coming from as every year for the last several resulted in us loosing someone, last year it was my nana & our dog of 12yrs.

We cried & we hugged, and talked about her not suffering anymore. My mom came and apologized to me and the kids as she had said a prayer and God had answered. I told her I was praying to & my daughter piped up that she had been praying up at camp as well, so no apology needed.

My ex's parents arrived at our house moments after we were told about my sister, I told my daughter and son you need to meet them outside as I really couldn't handle seeing them right now.

My daughters friend asked if she would like to go talk and she did. My son graffled with his Autism & how it effects his way of processing emotion & feelings.

My head was so full of emotions across the board. I was sad that she was gone, but happy that she wasn't suffering anymore and relieved I wouldn't have to see her in pain anymore. I was also angry with myself for being relieved as how selfish could I be.

My daughter had arrived back at home & we all had decided we needed to go to Mill Lake for a walk with our two dogs so we could process & keep busy. We started driving to find out the jet airplane sound was coming from the mini van, we had no front brakes, this day just couldn't get any better..not.

My mom was intending to go to church until this happened, this would have been her first time voluntarily going,  I knew I needed to go to church no matter what. I Googled the routes I could take and quickly came to the realization that Google gives you walking directions and a approx time it will take. I found out the estimated time to walk was 2 hrs. & 26 min. I had emailed my friend late at night, really to late to get a response. I not surprisingly didn't hear from her before I would have to leave to walk. I left home minutes after 6 am and started my Journey to church. My mind started thinking that in some countries this is a normal practice to walk for miles to go to church and this wouldn't be as much of a big deal as we make it hear.

With Camera in hand I started walking, snapping pictures along the way, they will be posted when I get time to edit them & post them, might take a bit as I have to filter through 212 pictures. I realized on that walk how much I take for granted driving to church & how much of God's creation I really don't notice, there is so much  beauty out there I have missed everyday.

I have to go for now but I will be back to continue writing soon.

Saturday, August 27, 2011

I don't know a Title for this

I took my Mom to see my sister today, neither of us realized that the other was praying for God to release her from her suffering as she was laying there gasping for air to breath. We left her and not long after we got home we received a call from my Brother-in-Law. My sister had another massive heart attach and she was gone now. I Pray that one day I will be able to dance with her in Heaven. I thank you all for your prayers for my family. I can feel God giving me strength & a peace beyond understanding so I can be there for my Children & My Mother. May God be with you what ever you are facing!

Mitch I Love You!!! You will be missed!!!

Friday, August 26, 2011

Surviving Another Day

There was no news this morning, I am understanding the statement no news is good news. Every time the phone rang today I jumped. I was starting to form a rage towards telemarketing calls. My Brother-in Law came to the door and my heart sunk. He asked me where my Mom was and I told him she was down stairs. He told me to get her as he needed to talk to us.

He had just come from speaking with the Doctors, they were now discussing how she was going to die. My sisters wishes were for them to stop everything and let her go, this would mean removing the dialysis, insulin & epinephrine that was keeping her heart going. My Brother-in Law told us he would have to respect her wishes and was told he would meet with palliative care tomorrow and she would be removed from everything that was keeping her alive. She would last no more than 2 days.

I sat my children down and gave them the news and asked if they wanted to see her before she passed. Both my children said they couldn't see her like that, but wanted us to let her know that they loved her. My daughter ran out of the room screaming who's next as the last several years we have lost someone we have cared dearly for at this same time every year. How do you assure her that no one else will pass, when I don't know that answer myself. I can't lie to her or my son as they have had to face so much broken trust already and they need to be able to trust me.

My brother called me after my Brother- in-Law had called him and left. His other half was taking my sister's son to say good bye to his Mom. My Brother had broken the news to him and he fell into pieces.

My Mom & I went to the hospital to see my Sister. We went into her room at the Cardiac Care Unit, the room was full of machines as they had brought her dialysis to her. I noticed they were also giving her a blood transfusion as well as the other IV bags they were pumping into her.

My Mom took hold of her hand and gave it a gentle squeeze to let my Sister know we were there. I rubbed the top of her arm gently. We both noticed that my Sisters skin was very cold to the touch. She was also puffy like a balloon. My Sister asked my Mom if we knew about the appointment with the person from palliative care. My mom said yes and you could feel the emotions swell in the room even though no more was said.

My Brothers other half came walking in the room followed by my Sister's son who broke into wailing cries  and collapsed to the ground as he cried. I thought it was hard to except that my Sister would soon be gone but I felt a feeling in that room far worse as my heart broke for my nephew's suffering. He had managed to compose himself for a little bit and told his Mom he loved her, but my Sister couldn't hear him and had to ask him to speak up, as he yelled out I love you the tears returned. He gave her a hug and there was no more holding back the tears. My Sisters eye's started to water into tears as she couldn't bare the pain her son was in.

My whole body now felt like Jell-O, I had to repeatedly excuse myself from the room as I couldn't fight back the tears. I had several caring nurses ask if I would be ok, I couldn't answer because all I had to give were tears. I finally was getting to the point if we didn't leave soon I knew I would be in no shape to drive my Mom home so we said our good-byes and as we were leaving my Brother-in-law entered. I know he is breaking inside right now, but is being so strong for my Sister as he has been for the last 26 yrs. of their marriage.

We did some errands and bounced back and forth what we would do for dinner as my mom & I din't feel like eating never mind cooking. We struggled with many ideas but we kept coming back to it is to expensive to eat out. We finally said deheck with it we knew we all needed to eat and there was no way we could cook it so we went to A&W for their Teen Burgers for MS(Multiple Sclerosis) and then headed home to the kids.

My Brother-in-law phoned to tell us my Sister had a change of heart after seeing her son. She changed the no resuscitation order and would try for the surgery. The Doctor said they would have to see if they could get her strong enough to be able to do the surgery but it didn't look good and the chances of her making it through the surgery were slim. We all know this is only prolonging the inevitable & her suffering, it still is only a matter of days as they can't keep her blood pressure stable it keeps dropping and her sugar levels keep spiking.

We all now jump when the phone rings as we don't know what the next call will bring.

Father thank you for being my rock & my salvation. Although I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I will fear no evil. Father hold my sister, her husband & son up right now, please show them your presence in their weakness. Guard our hearts & our minds as we journey through this season. Fill us with your holly spirit on a daily bases. Fill us with your peace beyond understanding. In Jesus Christ Name Amen.

Thursday, August 25, 2011

Time Is Near..

My sister had a rough night last night. My mom & I went to visit her in the Cardiac Care Unit(CCU) in a large room by her self hitched up to three IV bags, and a computer that constantly monitored her vitals. She was sleeping with her iPod touch headphones in. we sat there for about a half an hour before my mom asked the nurse if they were sedating her or if we should wake her. Mom came back and put her hand on my sisters arm to wake her gently. My sister woke but she was not looking or doing well. We eventually asked her if she would rather just go back to sleep if that made her more comfortable, she agreed. I asked her if I could give her a gentle hug, she agreed. I leaned over the bed to hug her and give her a kiss on her forehead and I told her I loved her and said good bye. I have said good bye to my sister loads of times but this time it felt different. I had to fight back the tears as I said good-bye as it felt like this would be the last time I would be telling her this. How do you say good bye to your big sister when she is only 47 yrs. old? I don't know how I am going to handle this as I am still reeling from the emotions of the trauma we experienced with my daughter.

I was walking down the hall to the CCU when we past one of the wards they had my daughter in to assess her, a ward that I was told I couldn't stay after it being the agreement that I could. The Ward where the hospital called security on me because I wouldn't leave my child after all the stuff we had already been put through. I walked by and all the video tapes started playing in my head on top of saying good bye to my sister. I feel like I am stuck in a part of my past that everyone else involved has moved on from and has forgotten and I can't, for some reason I am not being permitted to escape from those memories.

My Brother in law called my mom this evening to let her know that they have designated my sister palliative care now and that there is no more they can do. My cell phone rang it was my daughter phoning to say she was on her way home from her birthday party she had planned with her friends the day after her birthday.

I was now faced with telling my two children the news, I had hoped I wouldn't have to share especially this close to my daughters birthday. I tried holding it in until her friend left but all it took was my mom saying that we would have to get use to the fact my sisters dog was ours now, the tears were triggered I couldn't hold them back. My daughter asked me after her friend left "What is wrong mom?" I had to be honest with her. My daughter bald for the next two hours. My son came up to ask what was wrong and I told him, you could see the sadness but you could quickly see him stuff it down as he figures he is the man of the house and he needs to be strong for the rest of us. I wish guys could just show their emotions so I can see they are dealing with them instead of stuffing them. We are facing the next grieve we need to deal with but I am not sure we are finished dealing with the past grief as in the last two years we have gone through the trauma of the over 60 911 calls, my Nana passing among-st the end of that and putting down our dog Casey, Black Lab/King Shepard who trained herself to be a service dog & parent, of 15 yrs. and through all that knowing my sister wasn't suppose to make it till last Christmas and we have been living on borrowed time, not knowing what the next call will be, now we know the time is near. I will wake tomorrow not knowing if I will be waking to the news my sister has passed or not.

I am also coming to the realization that there are two forms of grief, the grief when you know that someone you care for is dying or already passed but you know where they are going to a much better place to be with Jesus and one day you will see them again. Then their is the grief for those you care for that you do not know if they have asked Jesus into their lives and have had their names written in the book of life. I find this is the hardest grief as you know that if they haven't their suffering will never end and you will never see them again, this is the grief I am experiencing with my sister.

Psalm 23

A psalm of David.
 1 The LORD is my shepherd, I lack nothing.
 2 He makes me lie down in green pastures,
he leads me beside quiet waters,
 3 he refreshes my soul.
He guides me along the right paths
   for his name’s sake.
4 Even though I walk
   through the darkest valley,
I will fear no evil,
   for you are with me;
your rod and your staff,
   they comfort me.
 5 You prepare a table before me
   in the presence of my enemies.
You anoint my head with oil;
   my cup overflows.
6 Surely your goodness and love will follow me
   all the days of my life,
and I will dwell in the house of the LORD

Mathew 6:9-13

“‘Our Father in heaven,
hallowed be your name,
 your kingdom come,
your will be done,
   on earth as it is in heaven.
Give us today our daily bread.
 And forgive us our debts,
   as we also have forgiven our debtors.
And lead us not into temptation,
   but deliver us from the evil one.
Father I thank you for being my strength & my rock in times of trouble. Help me to keep my eyes fixed on you no matter how bad it gets. I petition on behalf of my sisters family for a miracle & their salvation. In Jesus Christ Name Amen

Wednesday, August 24, 2011

What Has Been Happening

I am stopping by to let you know what has been happening.

I will start with here and now and work my way back. I guess being it is an hour into the next day I will have to say yesterday morning my sister phoned she was not doing well and was in massive pain. She had taken some pain pills and wanted us to call her in a bit to make sure she was Ok. My Sister called not so long after that and asked if I could sit with her until her husband came. I felt so bad as I already was on my way out the doors for my appointment with my counselor and I had a meeting set up with Columbia Bible College shortly after. I know I should have cancelled them but deep in my heart I couldn't face the possibility of watching my sister take her last breath. I had been there when my Papa past away a few years back. i remember telling him it was ok as he was struggling to hold on. I remember him gasping out his last breath and then he was gone, I couldn't face that again with my sister. My mom went to sit with her till her husband got home. My mom tried to get her to the hospital but my sister wouldn't go. I have my suspicions it was because the last time she went to emerge they told her they couldn't asses her in their designated 6hr window to do that. Her husband arrived home and mom returned home. Her husband was able to finally convince her to go. She was having a heart attach, the Doctor said a minor heart attach through blood test registers at .5 & she was registering at 25. She had a major heart attach. We don't know yet of what effects this has had on her, but this is her second major heart attach in a week. The Heart specialist has told them there is no more that anyone can do.

I went to the Counselors and we started praying and as we prayed for God to put me in a safe bubble my body felt like someone was holding me tight, painfully tight, this was not of God. The counselor started praying that the demons that were trying to hold me from going to the safe place in the bubble be removed and as she spoke the words the pressure holding me released. Just a note to those new to my blog, before we experienced some of the things we did in 2009 if you spoke like this I would have called you certifiably loco. I can now testify to you that Spiritual Warfare is real and very active as I witnessed it with my Mom & my Son.

I went from the Counselors to lunch and then to Columbia Bible School to look into the feasibility of taking their counselling & care-giving program. I had been planning on going back to school to be retrained. I am finding though every time I think about going to an institution to learn, God keeps telling me I am your teacher, not the world, follow me.

I had participated in the Arts & heritage Unity Festival in Abbotsford, BC, Canada on the weekend and it felt like more of a ministry than anything else. I was feeling like God was giving me a rehearsal to what he was calling me to, Public Speaking where I would share the testimony he has given me & for the photography to be part of it. I found myself speaking to complete strangers about the testimony behind the photography through the trauma we experienced. I for the first time was feeling relaxed and comfortable doing it. God is taking that little girl that once hid behind her mom in the grocery store and is transforming her to share the hope he has just waiting for everyone.

God has brought me to a verse in the bible that I know he is telling me is my life verse.

 2 Corinthians 1:3-11(NIV) 
Praise to the God of All Comfort
 3 Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, 4 who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves receive from God. 5 For just as we share abundantly in the sufferings of Christ, so also our comfort abounds through Christ. 6 If we are distressed, it is for your comfort and salvation; if we are comforted, it is for your comfort, which produces in you patient endurance of the same sufferings we suffer. 7 And our hope for you is firm, because we know that just as you share in our sufferings, so also you share in our comfort. 8 We do not want you to be uninformed, brothers and sisters, about the troubles we experienced in the province of Asia. We were under great pressure, far beyond our ability to endure, so that we despaired of life itself. 9 Indeed, we felt we had received the sentence of death. But this happened that we might not rely on ourselves but on God, who raises the dead. 10 He has delivered us from such a deadly peril, and he will deliver us again. On him we have set our hope that he will continue to deliver us, 11 as you help us by your prayers. Then many will give thanks on our behalf for the gracious favor granted us in answer to the prayers of many.

I know if it is God's intention for me to speak in a more public way he will bring the meetings & Events to me and I am read to be obedient to what he is asking of me.

Our Father in Heaven, I Praise your name on high! I ask you to please walk with my sister and her family so that they know you are present. Father help me be your obedient servant, let your will for my life reign above all. In Jesus Christ Name Amen.

Sunday, August 21, 2011

Surviving My First Art Festival

Well through all the nerves & shyness I survived my first Arts Festival at the Art & Heritage Unity Festival.

I was blessed in being able to openly share the testimony behind the photography & not change the name because many wanted me to as they figured iblong2the3in1 was not appropriate. My response was it would be more inappropriate to change it because if it wasn't for the Trinity this wouldn't even be happening & God can take it away as quickly as he gave it. I am off now as I am tired from a long day of fresh air and i need to prepare for my daughter becoming an adult tomorrow as she turns 19. I will hopefully God willing be back soon to catch you up on all that has been happening. Talk soon!

Saturday, August 20, 2011

Stopping by for a Quick Moment to Say Hi.

I have been so busy I haven't had much time to stop and visit. I have been taking my big sister to dialysis as each of her days get worse. She can't eat much anymore and the Dr.'s have limited her fluid intake to less than 3 cups a fluid a day, this includes the fluid that gets added to food when you cook in it.

I also have been getting ready for participating in my very first Art Festival, Arts & Heritage Unity Festival, with my photography. I am excited & nervous all rolled up in one as I step out of my comfort zone.

I have so much more to say but I will have to leave it until this weekend is over & the Festival is over. Thank you for your continued prayers.