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Friday, August 26, 2011

Surviving Another Day

There was no news this morning, I am understanding the statement no news is good news. Every time the phone rang today I jumped. I was starting to form a rage towards telemarketing calls. My Brother-in Law came to the door and my heart sunk. He asked me where my Mom was and I told him she was down stairs. He told me to get her as he needed to talk to us.

He had just come from speaking with the Doctors, they were now discussing how she was going to die. My sisters wishes were for them to stop everything and let her go, this would mean removing the dialysis, insulin & epinephrine that was keeping her heart going. My Brother-in Law told us he would have to respect her wishes and was told he would meet with palliative care tomorrow and she would be removed from everything that was keeping her alive. She would last no more than 2 days.

I sat my children down and gave them the news and asked if they wanted to see her before she passed. Both my children said they couldn't see her like that, but wanted us to let her know that they loved her. My daughter ran out of the room screaming who's next as the last several years we have lost someone we have cared dearly for at this same time every year. How do you assure her that no one else will pass, when I don't know that answer myself. I can't lie to her or my son as they have had to face so much broken trust already and they need to be able to trust me.

My brother called me after my Brother- in-Law had called him and left. His other half was taking my sister's son to say good bye to his Mom. My Brother had broken the news to him and he fell into pieces.

My Mom & I went to the hospital to see my Sister. We went into her room at the Cardiac Care Unit, the room was full of machines as they had brought her dialysis to her. I noticed they were also giving her a blood transfusion as well as the other IV bags they were pumping into her.

My Mom took hold of her hand and gave it a gentle squeeze to let my Sister know we were there. I rubbed the top of her arm gently. We both noticed that my Sisters skin was very cold to the touch. She was also puffy like a balloon. My Sister asked my Mom if we knew about the appointment with the person from palliative care. My mom said yes and you could feel the emotions swell in the room even though no more was said.

My Brothers other half came walking in the room followed by my Sister's son who broke into wailing cries  and collapsed to the ground as he cried. I thought it was hard to except that my Sister would soon be gone but I felt a feeling in that room far worse as my heart broke for my nephew's suffering. He had managed to compose himself for a little bit and told his Mom he loved her, but my Sister couldn't hear him and had to ask him to speak up, as he yelled out I love you the tears returned. He gave her a hug and there was no more holding back the tears. My Sisters eye's started to water into tears as she couldn't bare the pain her son was in.

My whole body now felt like Jell-O, I had to repeatedly excuse myself from the room as I couldn't fight back the tears. I had several caring nurses ask if I would be ok, I couldn't answer because all I had to give were tears. I finally was getting to the point if we didn't leave soon I knew I would be in no shape to drive my Mom home so we said our good-byes and as we were leaving my Brother-in-law entered. I know he is breaking inside right now, but is being so strong for my Sister as he has been for the last 26 yrs. of their marriage.

We did some errands and bounced back and forth what we would do for dinner as my mom & I din't feel like eating never mind cooking. We struggled with many ideas but we kept coming back to it is to expensive to eat out. We finally said deheck with it we knew we all needed to eat and there was no way we could cook it so we went to A&W for their Teen Burgers for MS(Multiple Sclerosis) and then headed home to the kids.

My Brother-in-law phoned to tell us my Sister had a change of heart after seeing her son. She changed the no resuscitation order and would try for the surgery. The Doctor said they would have to see if they could get her strong enough to be able to do the surgery but it didn't look good and the chances of her making it through the surgery were slim. We all know this is only prolonging the inevitable & her suffering, it still is only a matter of days as they can't keep her blood pressure stable it keeps dropping and her sugar levels keep spiking.

We all now jump when the phone rings as we don't know what the next call will bring.

Father thank you for being my rock & my salvation. Although I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I will fear no evil. Father hold my sister, her husband & son up right now, please show them your presence in their weakness. Guard our hearts & our minds as we journey through this season. Fill us with your holly spirit on a daily bases. Fill us with your peace beyond understanding. In Jesus Christ Name Amen.

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