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Thursday, August 25, 2011

Time Is Near..

My sister had a rough night last night. My mom & I went to visit her in the Cardiac Care Unit(CCU) in a large room by her self hitched up to three IV bags, and a computer that constantly monitored her vitals. She was sleeping with her iPod touch headphones in. we sat there for about a half an hour before my mom asked the nurse if they were sedating her or if we should wake her. Mom came back and put her hand on my sisters arm to wake her gently. My sister woke but she was not looking or doing well. We eventually asked her if she would rather just go back to sleep if that made her more comfortable, she agreed. I asked her if I could give her a gentle hug, she agreed. I leaned over the bed to hug her and give her a kiss on her forehead and I told her I loved her and said good bye. I have said good bye to my sister loads of times but this time it felt different. I had to fight back the tears as I said good-bye as it felt like this would be the last time I would be telling her this. How do you say good bye to your big sister when she is only 47 yrs. old? I don't know how I am going to handle this as I am still reeling from the emotions of the trauma we experienced with my daughter.

I was walking down the hall to the CCU when we past one of the wards they had my daughter in to assess her, a ward that I was told I couldn't stay after it being the agreement that I could. The Ward where the hospital called security on me because I wouldn't leave my child after all the stuff we had already been put through. I walked by and all the video tapes started playing in my head on top of saying good bye to my sister. I feel like I am stuck in a part of my past that everyone else involved has moved on from and has forgotten and I can't, for some reason I am not being permitted to escape from those memories.

My Brother in law called my mom this evening to let her know that they have designated my sister palliative care now and that there is no more they can do. My cell phone rang it was my daughter phoning to say she was on her way home from her birthday party she had planned with her friends the day after her birthday.

I was now faced with telling my two children the news, I had hoped I wouldn't have to share especially this close to my daughters birthday. I tried holding it in until her friend left but all it took was my mom saying that we would have to get use to the fact my sisters dog was ours now, the tears were triggered I couldn't hold them back. My daughter asked me after her friend left "What is wrong mom?" I had to be honest with her. My daughter bald for the next two hours. My son came up to ask what was wrong and I told him, you could see the sadness but you could quickly see him stuff it down as he figures he is the man of the house and he needs to be strong for the rest of us. I wish guys could just show their emotions so I can see they are dealing with them instead of stuffing them. We are facing the next grieve we need to deal with but I am not sure we are finished dealing with the past grief as in the last two years we have gone through the trauma of the over 60 911 calls, my Nana passing among-st the end of that and putting down our dog Casey, Black Lab/King Shepard who trained herself to be a service dog & parent, of 15 yrs. and through all that knowing my sister wasn't suppose to make it till last Christmas and we have been living on borrowed time, not knowing what the next call will be, now we know the time is near. I will wake tomorrow not knowing if I will be waking to the news my sister has passed or not.

I am also coming to the realization that there are two forms of grief, the grief when you know that someone you care for is dying or already passed but you know where they are going to a much better place to be with Jesus and one day you will see them again. Then their is the grief for those you care for that you do not know if they have asked Jesus into their lives and have had their names written in the book of life. I find this is the hardest grief as you know that if they haven't their suffering will never end and you will never see them again, this is the grief I am experiencing with my sister.

Psalm 23

A psalm of David.
 1 The LORD is my shepherd, I lack nothing.
 2 He makes me lie down in green pastures,
he leads me beside quiet waters,
 3 he refreshes my soul.
He guides me along the right paths
   for his name’s sake.
4 Even though I walk
   through the darkest valley,
I will fear no evil,
   for you are with me;
your rod and your staff,
   they comfort me.
 5 You prepare a table before me
   in the presence of my enemies.
You anoint my head with oil;
   my cup overflows.
6 Surely your goodness and love will follow me
   all the days of my life,
and I will dwell in the house of the LORD

Mathew 6:9-13

“‘Our Father in heaven,
hallowed be your name,
 your kingdom come,
your will be done,
   on earth as it is in heaven.
Give us today our daily bread.
 And forgive us our debts,
   as we also have forgiven our debtors.
And lead us not into temptation,
   but deliver us from the evil one.
Father I thank you for being my strength & my rock in times of trouble. Help me to keep my eyes fixed on you no matter how bad it gets. I petition on behalf of my sisters family for a miracle & their salvation. In Jesus Christ Name Amen

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