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Wednesday, August 31, 2011

Going through the Grieving Process

I had gone to a clinic doctor on Friday after seeing my sister in the hospital, as it was to late to see our new family doctor. I knew after seeing my sister it was more of a good bye visit and I had no idea how I would be able to handle it if she passed away on the weekend. I asked the doctor for a low dose of Atavan, a sedative. I remembered how I had handle the dream of her passing and I knew I had to be there for my children if my sister passed away, I knew I might need help as all the loss & trauma started piling up and I feared I may break.

Mom & I went to see my sister on Saturday and I didn't know my mom was praying at the same time I was for God to take her from her suffering. We finally left and got home, when not to long after we received the call she was gone. I became numb. I gathered my children to give them the news of the passing of their Aunt. My daughters first response was "Who is next?" How do you answer that question as you know where it is coming from as every year for the last several resulted in us loosing someone, last year it was my nana & our dog of 12yrs.

We cried & we hugged, and talked about her not suffering anymore. My mom came and apologized to me and the kids as she had said a prayer and God had answered. I told her I was praying to & my daughter piped up that she had been praying up at camp as well, so no apology needed.

My ex's parents arrived at our house moments after we were told about my sister, I told my daughter and son you need to meet them outside as I really couldn't handle seeing them right now.

My daughters friend asked if she would like to go talk and she did. My son graffled with his Autism & how it effects his way of processing emotion & feelings.

My head was so full of emotions across the board. I was sad that she was gone, but happy that she wasn't suffering anymore and relieved I wouldn't have to see her in pain anymore. I was also angry with myself for being relieved as how selfish could I be.

My daughter had arrived back at home & we all had decided we needed to go to Mill Lake for a walk with our two dogs so we could process & keep busy. We started driving to find out the jet airplane sound was coming from the mini van, we had no front brakes, this day just couldn't get any better..not.

My mom was intending to go to church until this happened, this would have been her first time voluntarily going,  I knew I needed to go to church no matter what. I Googled the routes I could take and quickly came to the realization that Google gives you walking directions and a approx time it will take. I found out the estimated time to walk was 2 hrs. & 26 min. I had emailed my friend late at night, really to late to get a response. I not surprisingly didn't hear from her before I would have to leave to walk. I left home minutes after 6 am and started my Journey to church. My mind started thinking that in some countries this is a normal practice to walk for miles to go to church and this wouldn't be as much of a big deal as we make it hear.

With Camera in hand I started walking, snapping pictures along the way, they will be posted when I get time to edit them & post them, might take a bit as I have to filter through 212 pictures. I realized on that walk how much I take for granted driving to church & how much of God's creation I really don't notice, there is so much  beauty out there I have missed everyday.

I have to go for now but I will be back to continue writing soon.

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