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Monday, November 3, 2014

Facing the Week

The week began with preparing for a job interview and learning that Craigslist is full of snares when it comes to job posts, it ended with questions.

I was contacted by a lady from one of the jobs I had applied for, that I had found on our churches bulletin board. I would need to go out to Langley for the interview on Tuesday, with a day’s notice. I was panicking a bit because I always like to take a dry run to make sure there are no kinks and timing is right. I would not have the opportunity this time. I had never gone off the trait line of the buses I knew to the sky train. I would have to venture off that path to get to my appointment in Langley.

I found myself, after speaking with my mom and having Work Safe BC tell me that my not driving was my choice, contemplating whether I should try driving again. I was thinking that the moment when I lost control of the van in our underground parking I was not expecting to and was caught off guard. I would though now be expecting it causing me to adapt my driving.

I put it out on FB, as I struggled with the contemplation of driving again. I was deeply afraid of driving after the last time I drove, over a year ago. A friend suggested it might not be a good idea to show up frazzled from driving to a job interview. I thought they had a good point.

I would go to the internet to try to plot a route by bus to my interview. I would find out it was quite easy to get to the appointment, as I only had to switch onto one bus that looked like it had a stop very close to the place.

I woke up Tuesday morning trying to make sure everything was going to run like clockwork. I had messaged my ride to pastorate letting them know my interview was at 4:30 pm and I did not know if I would be back in time to connect. I was so hoping though as I look so forward to time in community with my pastorate. I researched the company, prepared my resume package with references, diploma and transcripts. I grabbed a shower quickly got dressed and left with everything in hand, at least so I thought.  I would need to catch the 1:40 pm bus, connecting me to Aldergrove.

I would start my journey and make my connection to the second bus. When meeting my third and last connection I would end up connecting to the bus one before the one expected and would arrive at my destination an hour early. I would also leave the bus with another abdominal attack, thinking this time it would be the nerves setting it off. I would look around for a restaurant, corner store or gas station as I was buckling over in pain and needed to find a washroom. I would find I was in an industrial park and I would have to walk for blocks with no sidewalks but muddy edges of the road and I would have to cross a railroad track before I would find a little industrial park diner. I was so thankful I was early, it gave me time to get my weak but back to a place where I wasn't suffering.

I would wonder around until it was about quarter to my appointment time and then would go in. I would find out that the position was being hired with the intent to evolve into taking over for the Lady who was interviewing me as she had intentions of retiring in the next couple of years. I felt the interview went well as it as everything I was looking for a place to grow with the company. I would be told that it was between me and one other lady, who just happened to be the mother of the girl I would possibly replacing. She told me that it was between my skill that was greater than the other lady she was interviewing and her experience that was greater than mine. I was also told that she would be interviewing her the next day, Wednesday, and then giving all the information to the owner who would make the final decision. We would say our closing social comments and we would part ways as I left, thankful there was no question about whether I drive or not.

While walking around when I first arrived I had spotted a bus stop and a bus that just happened to be the same one that I had gotten off earlier and had looped around to a road a block from drop off. I waited there and eventually the bus would arrive at just after 5 pm.

I would make the connection with 10 min to spare. I would get to Aldergrove and find out I had a 40 minute lay over before the bus that would need to get home would arrive. My brain started working over-time as I left Langley at the same time I would be leaving Monday to Friday if I got the job. I started questioning could I do that every day? We were entering winter, the temperatures would start falling and the rain and snow fall as the daylight gets less and shelter limited. Could I do it, really? How was I going to do this, I needed to find a job, but there was very limited opportunities within the city I lived.

My thoughts would be broken by my cell phone ringing, it was my ride to pastorate. I had so hoped to be back in time. I had even taken ten chicken breasts out of the freezer and my mom had said if I wouldn't make it back in time she would make the butter chicken with rice, which I had planned to make myself. I was humbled as my brother in Christ had asked if it was too late for him and his wife to pick me up from Aldergrove, unfortunately it was for two reasons, one we wouldn't be back in time for the start of Pastorate and he was leading it, second the bus would be there before he could get there. I would have to miss the Pastorate, this made me as sad as it was something that I so looked forward too.

I would end the call and no sooner would my phone would shut off as the battery was done. I would realize I had not remembered I had not picked up my portable charger for my phone, I was now cut off from communicating with anyone, while I waited. We never use to think of this before cell phones were around as it was normal.

I would finally get on the last bus home hoping that there was some way I could even make it to Pastorate late. I was hoping Mom was feeling better to drive, but she had been in pain with her leg and new hip for the last few days. I had no way of calling her, I could only hope.

I made it to the bus exchange and would walk as fast as I could home, thankful I had brought a change of shoes for walking, taking off my heals. I would get home and there was no way she could drive me. I would have to come to resolve that I could not get there. I was saddened,

I needed to focus on the good, knowing that come morning I would be meeting for coffee with my dear friend who had been away for a while.

I had received an email from the lady who had interviewed me earlier. She had forgot to ask me what my wage expectation was and to tell me the benefits. I always disliked that question about expected wage because how do you really answer that question?

I thought I have to go to someone who would know what answer an employer wants, as she herself was a business owner. I felt she would have insight and was a dear sister in Christ, so I would Facebook her the question.

She would reply with some helpful questions and answers. We would then end up on the subject of me and driving. I would be encouraged by her and my mom to take steps to driving again. I said I would try but it was overcoming the fear that I felt when I had lost control of the minivan, but they agreed that I was aware now and it will make a difference.

My Mom said she would receive her pension check tomorrow and I could drive her to Costco. I was thinking Costco on pension day, of all the first places to drive for the first time in over a year. I have to admit I had reservations or you could call fears about doing that.

I have to say if life has taught me anything it is to reach past your fears as they are only an emotion. Fears are those emotion that is most likely to make mountains out of mole hills and likes to keep you a prisoner.

Morning would come and my girlfriend would pick me up and we would have a great talk. I would come home and off we would head out to Costco, with all my nervousness. I would find driving was much like riding a bike once you do it you never forget how. We would get to our destination and back safely. I would feel it though as my arm would be in pain for the rest of the night. 

My dad's sister would call my mom that night. She would let my mom know that my dad was taken to hospital by ambulance and he was not lucid. I still don't know why she was contacted and not us and most likely will never know.  Mom would leave a message for the home on their voice mail questioning why, but would not hear back from them. 

Mom would get a hold of the hospital. They told her that my dad had pneumonia, he was dehydrated and his sugar levels were high. He was not lucid and was being admitted. Mom would let her know that she had a mammogram in the morning and we would come by.

Morning would come, I would go to Theology Class.  I would get home around 7:30 am and go back to sleep for a bit as the night had been free of sleep. Mom would called to find out where he was in the hospital and how he was doing. We would find out he was marginally better and was still in the emergency department. I heard those words "Emergency Department" a chill went down my spine. My dad was in the place that brought back allot of horrific memories for me and triggers the PTSD. 

Mom would go for her mammogram appointment, then we would head down to emerge. We were told to go through the door and hang a left. We did this and dad would be in the room strait in front of us, the curtains were drawn. I would go to open the curtains as my mom figured out where to park her scooter, As I opened the curtain, I saw my dad laying there in his fragile looking frame, his elbow appeared to have a spider like bruise on it and his head was slouched over. He appeared to be asleep. His bed was tilted so his feet end was raised and although his head end was raised as well not as much. The nurse came to talk to us and she told us, as she adjusted my dad on the bed, that he had been on oral antibiotics but they were not working She said when he came in he was in really rough shape and looked really bad. He looked better, although unless we saw him yesterday would not tell. 

We stayed for a little, but it was apparent he was not going to know if we were hear or not, as he was so out of it. I was not doing well either as the emotions from the PTSD were strong and I knew it would not be long before I became lost in the video tapes of the trauma.  I made sure the nurse had my contact information as next of kin. We wouldn't be able to leave the hospital yet, as my mom was running out of sugar, so I would need to get her something so we could leave. We then would head home.

Friday I would need to get to the bank to take care of some things and then to Work Safe to put in my by-weekly job search forms. I had applied to many jobs in this last couple of weeks, as I regularly going through my job search resources seeking out where I could apply.  

I arrived at Work Safe and handed in my forms. I needed to talk to my worker so I could update him on my progress and let him know I was taking baby steps to driving again. We talked for a bit and he told me that he had applied for the 6 week extension, but had not heard anything yet, but didn't figure it would be an issue as I had gone above and beyond the expected. 

I am finding as I try to write this the day after I went back to the hospital with my mom, brother and his three girls, I am really struggling as the PTSD was triggered again and I was faced with the nurse asking me if I knew my dad had a DNR (do not resesitate) order and that all they would be doing was keeping him comfortable and trying to feed him but would not force him to eat.  I am finding it hard to access my memories of what has happened over the last few days as patches are missing. My head is feeling the pressure and every thought takes on pain in place of thought. I get frustrated as I try to recall specifics of the last few days. The PTSD can be quite debilitating at times and words cannot describe what it feels like when one is trying to fight through it as it alters where you are and intertwines the past into the present. I am thankful though that my triggers are isolated, although that place is a place I cannot avoid, but at least I know it is a trigger giving me the opportunity to have warning that it will possibly come. 

I spent the day fighting off the negative mood, this becomes difficult when you are faced with the reality that your dad may be in his final days and you are feeling emotionally numb. My dad was someone I grew up to fear, as he fought alcoholism and mental illness. I am now faced with the man I feared being frail and weak and my heart has no idea what to do with it. My dad had not been a big part of my life growing up, but he still was my father and I use to be daddies little girl. I hated what my dad was but I love him just the same, creating turmoil.  

Among the turmoil of the reality of my dad not being indestructible and facing the place that was the center of the PTSD, I face the weight of trying to find employment, so that I can continue supporting my family. I fight an internal battle that forces me to choose daily whether I will put another foot forward or just lay down. I am weak and some days are easier than others. 

I am thankful I have a God who is my strength in my weakness, my possible in the impossible, who loved me when I did not love myself, who is forgiving when I am unforgivable, who is my peace in my chaos, He gives me the ability to face the unfaceable.  

I walk daily in the shelter of my Savior, as I know this too shall pass and through it I will be molded and shaped into the person I was created to be for the purpose God has for me.  

My continued prayer for my life is for God to continue to consume me, break me and transform me, so I may become more Christ like. I know that through the trials I learn to keep my eyes on Jesus and all my idols of this world lose their grip. I ask God to keep me on my knees. I heard a song on my iPod that speaks to this it is called "Keep Me on My Knees" by All Things New.

Father I thank you for your sovereignty. Hallow be your name. I ask for your forgiveness for those things in my life that are not pleasing to you. Father my heart breaks for those who do not know you and I watch them choose to reject you are live life thinking there are no consequences to rejecting you. I sit hear not knowing whether or not my dad is saved and I fear the consequences if he is not as he faces these days/ I pray for the salvation of my friends family and those who do not know you. I pray that they are your elect. Father help me to lean on you when I do not understand why or how come I have to walk this journey and forgive me. Thank you for continuing to bringing me back to your promise and bringing your truth to drown out the lies. You are the God of all comfort, help me to use the comfort you give me to comfort those around me.  In Jesus Name Amen.

Saturday, October 25, 2014

Updates and Valleys Part 2

I had asked God to help me on the way to the doctors in my quiet thoughts, among the depressive thoughts. I had been caught off guard as I had become complacent in my faith. I just expected it rather than practicing it. I had fallen from the days where the first thing I would run to was my Bible and to my knees in prayer. I had let my complacency allow my guard to be down. I had convinced myself that I could run to my praise music and that would be enough, my morning prayers were being missed on occasion. I was allowing the world around me to define me rather than my faith and in that was being dragged deeper in to despair. I was needing to ask God to fill my thoughts with his truths, replacing the lies.

I had told the doctor that my CT scan was that Friday, so I thought. One thing that becomes a struggle in depression is an inability to keep dates and times strait. I had got home and looked at the calendar and the appointment was for the 16 which was Thursday. I had picked up the prep for the CT scan earlier and realized it was Wednesday night that my appointment would be tomorrow and I would need to drink the prep quickly or I would mess up the CT scan, so I mixed it and struggling, as it was disgusting, would drink the 2 cups of prep. I also needed to fast so I would not eat anymore that night.

I awoke that morning early as it was theology morning. I would not eat just get dressed and wait for my ride, as she would pick me up around 5:30 am. She would arrive and I would have a conversation with her that would open my mind to the mistake I had made a mistake that was so stupid. My brain had told me it was the 16th but when logic kicked in, as I realized Thanksgiving Day was Monday and it was on the 13th. Oh, how could I make such a dumb mistake, I was a week early on my appointment and I had already taken the prep. I would come home from class and rush to call the hospital to see if they had a cancellation, but unfortunately they were only running one CT scanner and had no cancellations. I would have to wait till my scheduled appointment, in a week and drink that horrific drink one more time. 

My family was invited to my Aunts, a long-time family friend, to come to Thanksgiving dinner, on Sunday. The morning of Sunday, my son and I would follow through on our routine. He would take us for breakfast at McD's, we would continue our walk to the bus stop, the bus would drop us a 30 min walk from church and then we would attend the early service at church. On our last leg of the walk to church I would remind my son that we would be going to our Aunt's for Thanksgiving. I could see the wheels turn in my son's mind as he remembered the last time when we went there for Easter dinner. We had left dinner after my son had become overloaded with the social environment and melted down all the way home. My son with his Autism finds holiday get togethers overwhelming and would prefer not to be involved in them at all and this holiday gathering would be no different. He would ask if he could stay home. I was not going to say no as I know the stress it puts him under.

My mom was going to pick us up from church and head straight out, as we had to stop by at my dad's sisters, but my son would not be coming with so him and me would walk back to the bus and hop it home. My son we be on his own for the day, as we left to my see my two Aunts. 

Mom would drive us first drive us to my dad's sisters, as she had called. My Aunt had taken over when my dad was found after two weeks of missing. He was found by the New Westminster Police in Royal Columbian Hospital with a subdural hematoma (bleeding in the brain), after we went searching for him, we all suspected he had been mugged. I had repeatedly tried to do my duty as his daughter, but every time I thought I had it set up to be the contact I would find my Aunt had stepped in and she was now the emergency contact and no effort on my part would change that. She had taken over all of his finances. When she was on the phone with my mom she had asked for us to pick up all of my dad's stuff as she couldn't do it all. She had let it slip that a public trusty had told her she had no rights as his sister when he had children. 

I was anxious to get there as I remembered dad's photo albums that had a historical significance as he worked on the building of the Fraser Canyon and the Bennett Dam in BC, Canada and he had photographs of it. I feel those should be preserved and shared as BC history and did not want to see them lost.

This is a picture of my dad with the other volunteers of the Hudson Hope Fire Dept.
He is the seventh from the right.

We arrived at her place to find a small pile of boxes outside against their garage that was separate from the house. I could see my dad's name on the side of the boxes, so mom pulled up alongside. Before we could get out my uncle would exit the house shutting the door behind him. We both were given the impression that this was not an invite you in visit, but a pick up and go. 

My Uncle would help us load the boxes into the back of the minivan. While we were loading my Aunt and a man would come out, she was hunched over and looking very aged. I looked at the man that came out with her, he looked allot like my dad, but I did not know him. 

I never knew my dad's family accept my Aunt, because we use to pick my dad up there at Christmas time. My dad's family wouldn't have anything to do with us after my mom and dad split. I would not be introduced to this man standing there, no one would say a word, I hugged my aunt good bye after some social back and forth. When we were driving again, I mentioned to my mom how nice it was nobody introduced us. Oh she said I thought you knew your uncle,

We would arrive at my other Aunts house early so we could socialize before the rest came. I had called my son before we went in to remind him that he was calling his Aunt to explain that he wasn't coming. She let us know he had called her. Shortly after we arrived my Aunts friend and her son arrived. A bit later her daughter and grandson would arrive.

I wouldn't find it long before my Aunts daughter would be apparently in a mood, a mood that would be directed at me. She asked me what I had been doing, as we had not seen each other since the last dinner. I had told her I had been in school and was looking for a job. Her reply was, I wouldn't take any course that didn't put me strait in a job, her voice and mannerisms were in a condescending tone. I was set back but took it from the source. She would spend the night poking jabs at me and my mom all night, as we became her source of entertainment. Her son has High Functioning Autism like my son, but he is in the early grades of elementary school and my son is an adult.

She started asking about my son, after dinner. I had mentioned that he was struggling right now and has gotten lost in the gaming world, this is common for persons with Autism because it is one thing they can control in their uncontrollable world. She started speaking in a raised voice how she wouldn't allow her child to do that and if they did she would kick them out and proceeded to belittle my parenting, without the facts behind what she was saying. I was getting angry as she told me I should just kick my son out. I was shaking in anger and my mom noticed and directed that it was time we head home as it was a long drive.

We left and on the way home I vented to my mom. My Aunts daughter was suggesting I throw my son out, Yeah, I am going to kick out my child, and all be it adult. A child that has told me the world doesn't want him and he feels already rejected by the world who do not understand him and I am going to reject him too, NOT! I rather stick it out and find ways to support his needs to help him grow, find his purpose that he has lost and his independence.

I had already had plans to take my son to Bethesda, after having three different people direct me to their service. Bethesda, when we went, informed us that their services were funded through CLBC ( Community Living BC) and after talking a while about my son's needs and my concerns, she informed us that CLBC had new funding to support Adults who have Autism Spectrum Disorder. I was told if we came across any road blocks to contact them again. 

I would call CLBC and it was refreshing to talk to someone who truly understood the challenges we faced, as they had a relative with similar challenges. We would need to take in his documentation of his diagnoses and any other supporting documents. I rushed them over before they closed, this was a Friday. After they reviewed what I had for them, I was told he would need to go through an assessment to determine if he qualified. The people who did the assessments would call us.

We would receive a call and the assessment would be set up. I had told my son what the process would be, so he could be prepared. We went to the appointment and were met with a very nice lady, who was very good and understanding, I would need to fill out a questionnaire, while she ran some tests with my son, one being an IQ test. I knew this part would most likely be the make it or break it for him, as it used to be if you were above the 70th percentile you would not qualify for services. I always thought of this being a part of the misunderstanding of Autism. My son has always had a far higher intellect than his social and functioning skills. One can have a high intellect, but not know what to do with it, while faced with other aspects of life that limit its usefulness. We were told the results would be ready in a couple of days and would be sent to CLBC in that time. We have now been waiting almost two weeks, not surprised. 

Thursday I would go for my CT scan. I was concerned about my PTSD and visiting the hospital, as I so dislike re living all the bad moments of 2009 that come with it. I asked my Church family for prayer. I was now thinking the CT scan was a little late and pointless now, as most symptoms had subsided after that last painful day that landed me in emerge. I was so thankful though for the prayer of my church, as I went for my appointment free of the haunting memories of the past.  

I would continue through all of this to seek out employment. I continue search through job postings and apply for all the jobs I have relative skills for and my injury to my arm would not interfere in preforming my duties. I would also go through the online directory, searching out potential employers. I made a list of all the accounting firms, property management and real estates agencies, in town. I found it very hard to connect with retail administration positions as most retailers I approach sent their paperwork and bookkeeping to their head offices that were not local. I would find not being able to drive anymore do to my injury would become a challenge to finding employment. I would make up personalized cover letters for all the potential employers I found and map out a route to systematically walk or better known as pound the pavement handing out those cover lettered resumes.

Every two weeks, I need to hand in a job search forms for Work Safe BC, with the expectation of three application/resumes delivered per day. I was finishing this up the Friday before last when I received a call from Work Safe BC. My worker would ask how the job search was going and encouraged me that I was meeting if not exceeding the requirements for job search. I told him that it is a challenge as we are in a labour market for employment and the jobs that I could find either need several years of experience or an ability to drive. He then told the driving was my choice. I said what choice if I had lost control of our vehicle the way I did in the underground on the street I could have killed someone, I do not call that a choice but a responsibility not to drive under those circumstances.  He then proceeded to tell me that my benefits would end on Nov. 2 but I could possibly qualify for a 6 week extension that would end on Dec 14. I asked does that mean I am SOL and on my own after that and apologized for putting it that way, but I needed to know, as I help support the housing of my disabled son and mother. He said yes my benefits would come to an end. 

I got off the phone, still fighting the depression that had set in earlier. My mind started racing through all the consequences to what he had told me. I would have no income just in time for my son's birthday and Christmas. We would not have my income anymore to keep a roof over our head, as it was my income that paid our mortgage. I had let down my family and there was nothing more than I was already doing to change that. I broke the news to my mom and son. I told them to take it as notice that they needed to figure out what they were going to do about their housing because if they continued to follow me they may become homeless. My mom's response was we needed to empty the storage unit we had. I knew this already and all that did was put more pressure on me and in that moment I did not need any more placed on my plate, so I sarcastically thanked her and told her I needed time to process what I was dealing with before she through more on top of me. We got into a fight and I stormed out. 

I walked to the Work Safe BC office and delivered my job search forms. On the way I was fighting every negative thought you could imagine, as I fell into focusing on the world around me and how I failed my family one more time. How I was so tired of every part of my life being such a battle and why for once could something happen without a fight to get through it.

I returned home and apologized to my mom out of trying to make peace, even though I did not feel I had reason to apologize. I though new it was something I needed to do to bring peace back to my family. 

Sunday my son and I would start on our normal journey to church which consisted walking with my son to McDonald's where he would buy me breakfast, then we would walk to the bus stop for 8:01 am when the bus would be scheduled to arrive and then a ride to Emanuel Church where we would start our walk to Northview Community Church. Unfortunately this morning my son would only make it to breakfast before he would not feel well enough to continue to church. I did not want him to walk home alone because he didn't look good, so I called my mom to see if she could pick him up. She doesn't like driving as she found it would become painful, but will drive when no other choice. She came and then told me she would drive me to church this morning, what a blessing. 

I would get to the service really early for the second service, we normally would go to the morning service but sleep was non-existent the night before so we decided to go to second service. I would wait in the foyer until it was time. When I was seated waiting in the sanctuary, one of the gentleman from a pastorate I attend though the church. We would talk. His wife would join during the worship, as she volunteers in the church. I would feel her hand on my shoulder, a small act but the feelings of connection and care were strong in that simple act. The   service  would start, A Sharp Disagreement, Part 7 of Mission, The Book of Acts Part 3 , a service I found was very impact full.  

The service would come to an end and we would walk into the foyer, I would walk towards the washroom, which was also past the coffee station where people would connect in community after service. My sister in Christ from the pastorate would walk with me in the same direction. She would ask if I would like to come for lunch, I said yes I would love to and then my thoughts would tell me why did you say yes you have no money? I would then say to her, " But I unfortunately I don't have any money. She assured me, she would buy me lunch. I felt very humble but thankful. We met up with another couple in our pastorate. We would all go to lunch together. I would be asked where I would like to go. I did not feel comfortable making a choice as I had no money to purchase and it was a gift enough that I was being asked and included.

We would enjoy some wonderful conversation and eat. I would tell them I could walk home as it was beautiful and sunny and we were only a couple of block's form home. We parted ways but I have to say they were such a blessing!! I never usually get many opportunities to hold conversations with people other than my family. 

Thursday Morning Theology class would arrive, I had finally been in a place where I could read the chapter, instead of just listening to it at the last minute. I find when the depression is a hold my dyslexia is a challenge to read pages of information, such as my theology book, as retention is non-existent. I was so thankful that was not a challenge this week. I was waiting outside, on the sidewalk for my ride to theology, at 5:30 am. I had put my iPod on to listen to my music till she came, as now that I am not driving and working it is hard to steal time for my music. I hit play the song started playing and in the middle of it my iPod would hiccup and throw me out and come to the menu page. I would push the music and song button to play the now playing but it was gone. I hit shuffle and I can tell you God meets you where you are!! The first song playing was Constant by Francesca Battistelli Listening to the words and the connection to where I was and God's reminder that He is a constant in my life, history reminds me of this. Then Redeemed by Big Daddy Weave, such another connection to what I was going through and needed to hear, as God was meeting me where I was to remind me I was redeemed and the battle has already been one. I could feel a great weight leave my shoulders and my perspective being realigned to what was important and that was to stay focused on Jesus Christ as the rest is already done.

Father I thank you for always being a constant in my life, reminding me that I have been redeemed through the Crucifixion and Resurrection of Jesus Christ, and that the battle has already been one. Help me to never forget this, engrave it in my mind so that it will always be there in good times and bad. You are Holy, Holy, Holy God almighty has goes behind, in front and beside. We have nothing to fear as long as we trust you. We may go through valleys but will not be crushed as you will not forsake us. In Jesus Precious Name Amen.


Saturday, October 18, 2014

Updates and Valleys

My mom went for her transfusions. Her first one made her body go into shock. When she went to the next one she explained what she had gone through so they slowed down the transfusion, injecting the same amount over a longer period of time, this seem to work. She would finish her transfusions and the blood test would come back fine, her levels would be back up.

I have picked up my diploma and to my shock I had not just graduated from the Business Administration Program with a Diploma, but with an Honours Diploma. I thank God for that, as He told me to rest in Him and trust Him. I went into that course resting in God's plan for my life and knowing no matter what I did I could not mess that up because who was I to hinder God's plans. I showed up and did what was put before me, no more, no less. I promised myself I would not going to obsess on it I was going to let what happened happen and trust in God's outcome.

I am finding that when I let go and just trust in God's sovereignty and plan for my life, mountains are moved. I also find as time passes revelations come into how everything is connected and the purpose for what has happened revealed.  

I have to say though sometimes in the moment of pain it is a job and a half to hold onto that truth, but if I don't I become consumed and dragged deeper into a place that holds no peace.

I am still seeking employment at this time, as I try to stay focused on it is in God's perfect timing. I do not know where God will take me next but I know when I get there I will know. I am not though saying that stating that truth is easy, as time goes by and I struggle fighting off the rejections as I hand out resumes, have interviews, find out I do not have enough experience or am missing a qualification or two, find out an ability to drive is mandatory and facing new forms of interviewing that were not around eight years ago when I last sought a job. I find myself struggling with depression.

I also have been fighting health issues and was just diagnosed with Diabetes and had another medical issue that had landed me in emerge a couple of times, as the doctor tries to figure it out. On one of the emerge visits, while buckled over in pain from my abdomen, I was placed in a private room in emerge and the nurse shut the door. I had remembered this room. it was the room I remembered from 2009. I was guided to this room by a doctor in 2009, away from my daughter. The doctor would proceed to inform me that I was not to bring my daughter back to emerge. I had told him that it was 911 protocol to bring her to emerge. I then heard those words that would seal the reality that we were on our own in the nightmare we were experiencing, as the doctor proceeded to tell me not to call 911 and then I was directed to take my daughter home.  

I would have the video tape and the emotions from that time and the rest of that trauma come flooding back as if I was living it in that moment. I was overwhelmed. I was trying so hard to stay in control in that moment when the doctor walked in the room and it would be a doctor from the trauma of 2009, not the doctor that told be not to come back but another who had told me to take her home and I got in a fight with and said I was not leaving till we had some answers and I would be forced to leave with no resolve. His walking in the door was the final trigger to send me over.

 I was visibly shaking as I could not hold it in anymore. Before he looked up he told me that he didn't like the fact of having to deal with the situation I was in and was tired of it being put on the shoulders of emerge, then he looked up. The doctor remembered the time with my daughter and I spilled what I had shared with you above. He stood thrown back by what I had to say and kept saying he had no idea that I had been put through that and was apologizing profusely. He asked if I would like him to find me another place to wait.

I ask if it could be my pancreas causing the pain as I had just recently been diagnosed with diabetes, so he ordered a blood test, it came back normal. I had a CT scan I was waiting on an appointment for and he said he would expedite it and then he would send me home still buckled over in pain. I have it on my file that pain medications are a no go for me with my history with medications. I would be in pain for hours, before it would subside. I would still not know what was causing it.

I would go to Theology Class and the lovely lady who drives me offered me two tickets to "Panic Squad" a family friendly comedy improve group, she thought it might give me a much needed night of fun. She had season tickets and wouldn't be able to use them that night. I was thankful and accepted them, hoping I could find someone to go with me. 

I would ask my mom and son if either of them would go with me and received the response I always received, no thank you. I would email my pastorate and tell those I knew that I was looking for company to go with me to see Panic Squad. I received one response, via email, from the lady of my pastorate that has gone to concerts with me in the past. She was sick. I also received a text from my friend, but she already had plans.

My depression was enjoying this as it directed my thoughts to tell me look this is no different from any of the other times you have had to do things on your own, remember that Tupperware party when you invited everyone from your work, church and Facebook friends, the day came, the Tupperware lady arrived, my sister arrived, mom lived with me so she was there, but no one else came, the story of my life. My depression told me look no one cares history states you are a loner, who doesn't matter to anyone. 

I walked to the Panic Squad performance. I arrived and saw a couple of people from church, who were volunteering. I went in and found my seat. I would watch all these families and large groups of friends gather in their seats. I would watch all their joyous interactions as they had fun together. 

My depression would remind me that I was sitting their alone with nobody, as it dug in the fact that I was alone, I had no one, I knew allot of people, but none that you go out and do things with, but one who had a family and a husband who had an already busy life. I had no purpose I would not be missed. I had no job, no one in my life that had time for me. I was fighting back the tears, as the reality of grasping at these being lies my thoughts were telling me became hard to believe as they were starting to feel like truths. I was hearing everyone around me laugh as the show went on but I was numb, I had no laughter left in me. I could not shake the negative thoughts that consumed my mind.

I would find the video tapes and emotions would not leave me either, the ones that were triggered after in the emergency. I had thought I was finally free of them, but obviously I was wrong. I would sink into a deeper depression. I had an appointment to discuss the recent diagnoses of Diabetes. I would walk to that doctor’s appointment and soon realize how deep the depression had become. 

I would ask my churches prayer group on FB to pray for me that, I would be able to speak freely to the doctor about what was going on in my head, as this was a boundary the doctor had taken on when I came to be his patient after what we went through in 2009. He did not want to talk about that time, as it was a hornet’s nest and he didn't want stung.

I leave home heading to the doctors and would come across my first intersection. I pushed the button for the crosswalk, as I walk across the road I would find my self-talk had changed. I was no longer concerned about the car turning across my path possibly hitting me. My thoughts were hoping the car would hit me. I would start battling with my thoughts as I knew they were wrong. I would then cut through the park that in the recent past has had some violent attacks. I would find my thoughts going in the direction of hoping I would be attacked and killed, so I would no longer have to live this nightmare over and over again. My heart was assuring me that these were lies, this would not solve anything. I would continue on my walk to the doctors and at every crossing I would fight the same lies, hoping to be hit, as I walked not caring what harm I could experiencing just hoping it would and I would meet my end, without committing suicide, but to an accident.

I would make it to the doctor’s office emotionally drained. When my doctor walked into the examining room. He knew there was something wrong and he asked me to talk about it. I told him that at the hospital emerge the video tapes and emotions were triggered and I was fighting depression and didn't realize how bad until I had walked to his office and then I explained. I told him there was no worry about suicide as I feared being separated from God more. He would give me a prescription for a medication that I had used before for the depression when my husband walked out of our lives years ago. He said it will not deal with the PTSD, but would hopefully help with the depression. He looked at me Glucose levels and said yes they were still very high, but he did not prescribe anything for it, I was thinking he was waiting till after the CT scan.

I walked home still fighting the negative thoughts but thankful for answered prayer. I had finally been able to open up to the doctor and let it all out.

To be continued, soon as time permits...

Tuesday, September 2, 2014

Wow Time Flies, Been to Long

          School kept me very busy, as I took the accelerated, accelerated program. I am happy to say that I have completed my Business Administration Diploma, Graduating on August 22, 2014, also the date of my baby girls 22nd birthday.

          I can't hardly believe all that has happened over this last several months. I went into school determined to let go of everything and trust that God was sovereign over all things and no matter what the outcome was I could not ruin the plans He has for my life. I spent my school days doing what was asked of me but not letting it consume me or let fear and anxiety control me, by the grace and mercy of God.

         One class came after another and to my surprise they were coming easy, so easy that I thought I must be missing something. I had great peace while doing my assignments, as it came quickly. I was starting to feel like I had found my niche in life, as I started to enjoy the accounting courses. I started gaining great confidence through my education, as I came to realize I was not that dumb bunny I grew up to believe.

         I wait now for my transcripts from school, with my grades their is a real possibly that I graduated with honours, what a gift of Gods mercy as He moves me.

         I attended the Summit in Vancouver, to discuss the White Paper Document that I had taken part in, on June 16, 2014 . I was blessed to here from so many who share the same passion for the disability and special needs community. My ride on transit to get there ran ahead of schedule so I arrived early and while waiting I found a seat and was joined by a wonderful lady who works for the Rick Hansen Foundation. I was able to share my dream with her and several others. I so could
feel God's presence with me that day.

        I reflect back to the person who started writing this blog in the beginning and I hardly recognize her. She was a very angry hurt girl full of bitterness towards the world for all the broken pieces and valleys she went through as a child and as an adult. I speak of her in away of a person I once knew, because she is not the person I am today. My lens I see the world through now is completely different. I know that we all walk a journey unique to ourselves and have a reason we act the way we do and say the things we do. We are all in need of God's mercy and grace. I now know what it feels like to be the recipient of God's grace and have been moved by his mercy and through that have learned it is my responsibility to share that mercy and grace with all of those who cross my path. God is the one to transform my life and it is Him who will transform the lives of those who are around me. God has given me the job to forgive, love and share the comfort He has given me with those who He brings across my path.

      I now wait to see where God takes me now as I have started the journey of looking for a job to support the ones I love, while serving Him who created me.

      I do come to you with a prayer request as my mom battles low blood counts and is in the process of receiving iron transfusions, as they are concerned that it will start effecting her bone marrow. My son also ask for prayer for my son and daughter as they fight some of life's challenges. Please also pray for God's will in my job search. Thank you all for your prayers!

    Father I lift these above prayers to you and also ask that you hear the cries of the hearts of those who read this and meet them where they are. You know them by name, you know all and nothing surprises or shocks you. We can come to you with open arms, remind us of this.  Fill us with your peace beyond understanding and with your Holy Spirit on a daily basis. Thank you for being sovereign over all things and for the gift of salvation through your son Jesus Christ. In Jesus Christ's Name Amen.

Saturday, June 14, 2014

Yeah Blogger is Working Again!

               I hope you are all doing well? I feel like it has been forever since my last post. I was unable to access my blag for a bit do to some unknown reason, but it appears to be fixed.
               Where to begin as so much has happened since I last wrote. I guess I should start by saying I received my new smile and have been adapting to them, not as easy as I first thought. Mom took me for an Ice Cap from Timmies directly after getting my new smile, I was soon to learn that I would have to relearn how to drink out of a straw and eat again. I have to say there have been some extremely comical moments. I have one more adjustment to go, as one of the medal clips for the bottom are connecting with a medal filling and occasionally causing an electric charge but it will be an easy fix as they replace the filling with a white one. I have to say it has been an amazing blessing and the time could not have been more perfect!

               I am attending my Business Administration Diploma Course. I thought it would be a struggle as I struggled all through high school with my Dyslexia, but boy have I been surprised. I have received two of my course marks already for Spreadsheet Applications, using Excel and Word Processing Applications,  using MS Word and I received an A+ in both courses and I sit at a 4.33 GPA. I have to say there is way more behind the surface of those programs than I had been using.

               God is so moving in all aspects of my life. He started in the inside healing all the wounds of my past restoring His foundation in my life. He is now working on building the walls of knowledge and confidence, as He prepares me to do what He created me to do. I speak now on the iBlong Community Centre and I speak with confidence of what I am saying and what the centre stands for and can do for the community.

                I have had one of my teachers approach me, who is in international business, and ask if I would be interested in presenting the centre to some business professionals he knows that may be interested in funding the centre. Praise God!

                I, after attending in person a public consultation on removing barriers and creating accessibility for those with disabilities, have been invited invited to attend the Summit that will discuss the White Paper Document from the public consultation, the document that contains the plan for iBlong Community Centre. Praise God!! Taking place Monday, June 16, 2014 and Canada Place in Vancouver, BC.

               I have been watching and waiting for God to direct my path as I watch him open doors and possibilities that I could never of imagined.  I can barely recognize where He has brought me from, as it is so far away from where I am now. None of this, I could ever of imagined if it wasn't for God's mercy and grace in my life.

               Father I thank you for being sovereign over all things and giving me the ability to let go and trust that no matter what I am faced with you are walking by my side and will work out for the best in the long run. I could have never imagined being where I am today, but I know it is only because of your mercy and grace in my life. Father I continue to ask for your forgiveness in the things that I do that do not please you or bring you the glory.  I continue to come to your and ask for your favor for the iBlong Community Centre. I ask you to continue to consume me, break me, and transform me so that I may be Christ like. Father I lift those reading this up to you, I pray that you bring healing and reconciliation to them in mind, body and spirit. Father fill them with your Holy Spirit, guide and protect them and those they love, as we wait for the return of your son, Jesus Christ. In Jesus precious name Amen.



Friday, April 11, 2014


Where to start.

I have been trying so hard to just let go and have faith that God is Sovereign in everything.

I have to say I have had my weak moments, but in them God brings me back to:

Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort,  who comforts us in all our affliction, so that we may be able to comfort those who are in any affliction, with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God.  For as we share abundantly in Christ's sufferings, so through Christ we share abundantly in comfort too. If we are afflicted, it is for your comfort and salvation; and if we are comforted, it is for your comfort, which you experience when you patiently endure the same sufferings that we suffer.  Our hope for you is unshaken, for we know that as you share in our sufferings, you will also share in our comfort.

 For we do not want you to be unaware, brothers, of the affliction we experienced in Asia. For we were so utterly burdened beyond our strength that we despaired of life itself. Indeed, we felt that we had received the sentence of death. But that was to make us rely not on ourselves but on God who raises the dead. He delivered us from such a deadly peril, and he will deliver us. On him we have set our hope that he will deliver us again. You also must help us by prayer, so that many will give thanks on our behalf for the blessing granted us through the prayers of many.

*2 Corinthians 1:3-11

God is truly the comforter, He is walking me through this journey one step at a time.

I have witness His hand move in my life in more ways than I can count. I am no ware near the person I was when I first excepted Jesus as my Savior. My Life was full of many broken pieces, full of hurt, anger, hate, resentment, anxiety and fear. God has been putting all the broken pieces back together, as He brings a new into my life, freeing me from the bondage my past had kept me prisoner in.

I would have never imagined that I would be able to go out free of fear by myself on adventures without the safety net of family, next to me and approving the safety of doing it. I missed out on stretching past my comfort zone and growing because I was under the bondage of fear and anxiety, but now! I have learned to live in the moment and let go of control and trust God in everything. I never thought I would be able to stretch out of my comfort zone and go to Guatemala on a missions trip, but God knew I could and used it as a catalysis to show me that I can walk in His freedom and trust that He takes care of me and loves me and that I can go past me comfort zone with the assurance I am not going there alone.

I have since then gone on Transit adventure into the big city of Vancouver on my own, free of fear and anxiety. I know that in all these milestones of change in me, are only because God is creating a new in me and preparing me for the plans He has for my life.

   For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope.

*Jeremiah 29:11

I have to say after witnessing all the things that are happening right now I would love to be a fly on the wall of my future.

Over the last little while I have stretched out of my comfort zone and started inviting professionals over Linkedin that I thought would be a good fit for the iblong Community Centre. I have to confess that I never imagined they would actually accept. Well God had a different thought, as I received one except after the other. I went from a few connections to now at this moment 160. as I said I could never imagined. I also out of that connected to a beautiful lady from the United Nations who had cardinally invited me to a panel discussion "Autism Awareness to Action" at the United Nations, unfortunately circumstances prevented me from attending and after letting her know she shared with me a live link to the 2 day event.

Last week, I was told by Worksafe BC that they had decided to pay for me to take the Business Administrative Diploma Course at Sprott Shaw. Praise God!!

 I would need to do an entrance exam, last Monday, but felt ready after looking up the areas I was challenged with on an entrance exam for another school, boy was I wrong. I would find this entrance exam was more intense and was timed. The exam came in two parts, one English and the second Math. I thought the Math would be easy as it is my strong suite and with my Dyslexia I have always struggled with English. I found it was the opposite, as unlike the other exam I took this one was filled with more complex fraction equations and algebra!  Algebra! I haven't done algebra since 1987, the pressure was on! Could I remember, I use to get A and B in algebra in high school, could I remember?

I drew a blank. I started looking at the questions and I started noticing a pattern and started using the information I was seeing from each of the questions to form a pattern and when I tested it, it appeared to work and then it became easy to answer the questions. I then found it a struggle to use my right arm to right down the steps for breaking down the complex fraction questions and the clock to the right of the screen counting down, causing my brain to go into panic and scrambled mode not allowing me to complete anymore before the time ran out. I had completed the English on time but not the Math, that shocked me.

I stepped into the office of the admissions, she went to get the results. I had passed! Praise God!! I would register before I left and I was told I started Monday morning.

Yesterday, I had my wax fitting for my new smile and was told that I would have one more fitting, after that then one more appointment and I would have my new smile filled with teeth.

I am witnessing God put every piece into place, as I do absolutely nothing. I have had to let go of control and everything I was use to doing, like fighting for what I wanted to happen, all the tools of advocating and let God be my advocate. I write this as I have thoughts saying " Don't you remember saying and praying that for once couldn't someone fight for me and be the advocate, because I just don't have it in me
right now with all that is happening!" Praise God for answered Prayer and being my Advocate!!

I have no idea where God is taking me but I know it will be beyond what ever I can imagine!!

I have to say though the trials are still here, as we face challenges, but we do not walk through them alone!

Challenge right now is the escalation of my son's Autism and not knowing what he is thinking and feeling, as the meltdowns come more frequently and greater in intensity. I don't think it helps that my mom is in a place of taking them personally and internalizing them, something I had to learn not to do along time ago.

The Lord is my shepherd; I shall not want.
     He makes me lie down in green pastures.
He leads me beside still waters.
     He restores my soul.
He leads me in paths of righteousness
    for his name's sake.
 Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death,
    I will fear no evil,
for you are with me;
    your rod and your staff,
    they comfort me.
 You prepare a table before me
    in the presence of my enemies;
you anoint my head with oil;
    my cup overflows.
 Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me
    all the days of my life,
and I shall dwell in the house of the Lord
*Psalm 23

I have to say it is difficult balancing my Son's needs with my Mom's needs, but I have asked and will ask you for a covering of prayer over this and a reconciliation of my Son and Mom's relationship.

I also have been facing a brain with the attention span of a pea, as I try to balance home with the beginning of school, which is doubled up courses to meet the time requirement of Worksafe BC.

I had applied to a job working for a missions organization, but it was already taken.

Father I lift all of those who are reading this blog post. You know them by name, You know what they are facing. Father meet them where they are at.  Father please comfort them in their circumstance, fill them with your peace beyond understanding.
I pray this in Jesus precious name Amen.


Monday, March 10, 2014

Where to Unscramble

I sit here trying to think where to start, what to write. I know you are sitting here on the other side of this screen and for a moment are stepping into my life and my journey.

My Journey depends allot on the mercy and grace of my Heavenly Father. He has taught me so much and is still teaching me.

I trust God with all that I am faced with because he is Sovereign over it all and I have a history with God that tells me I can trust him because people may let me down, like I let them down, but God has never ever let me down.

I will take you through each part of my journey separately as I write and hope fully I will leave you with an understanding of each.

My Son is taking me on a journey with his health issues, as we try to figure out where the pieces fit together, this part of the journey with him started  when he blacked out walking our two dogs. He has been sent for several medical tests, that we wait on the results.

We so far know that his hearts beats per minute are higher than they should be, but were not the cause of his black out, but have resulted in further tests. His last test we wait on the results for is an ECO, an Ultra Sound of the Heart.

We also know that his first EEG came back abnormal and he was sent for a sleep deprived EEG & a Cat-scan which we wait for the results.

I also asked the doctor if he could be tested with diabetes, as he is showing some of the symptoms of, so the doctor sent him for a fasting blood sugar and any other blood test he could think of that could be linked. The doctor did this because getting my son to have a blood test in the past has resulted in him being band from all the labs in our community and some in others, as his adrenalin spikes and he becomes too strong to make him.

 One thing you quickly find out with Autism is when it comes to health issues you definitely feel challenged as you face sensory issues and the person with Autism verbalizing what they are experiencing, as well as whether they feel like it is something they think you need to know or if they have categorized it into you are not the person I need to tell, so they wait till they deem someone is the right person.

 I can remember times in the past when I took him to the doctors and he was bouncing everywhere but I just knew he wasn't well, so the doctor sent him for an x-ray and I later received a call from the doctor apologizing because he had full blown pneumonia, by all appearances there was nothing wrong but because of the Autism he does not react in the expected way when he is sick. I also remember sitting in a doctors office and he blurted out something that was not right with him and had been happening for a while but because I was mom not Doctor he had categorized  that this was something you told doctors not mom, so he didn't tell me.

My son though has returned to Culinary School and although he is exhausted he is pushing through and taking more and more responsibility for doing it on his own without needing us to remind him of things, he is making it his own. I pray for God to be the Father to the Fatherless in my sons life as I trust my son in the hands of the Father.

My daughter even though she is miles away in a different province is taking me on the journey of her first boyfriend, long distance from mom/me. I never imagined my daughters first date to be this way.

I am happy though that so far he is making her happy and from what I am hearing cares for her. She has even passed meeting his parents. I find myself trusting her in God's hands, as I fall to my knees in morning prayer and I pray for her, her boyfriend and his parents and restoration in her relationship with her dad.

My mom takes me on a journey of her own, as she continually fights health and pain issues, as well as  the bondage of past experiences and feels her life has no meaning she just makes it through the dun drum of everyday. She also can't understand and sometimes resents the time I spend with God and my relationship with him.

I struggle as I can only feel free to be me, who hungers and thirsts to be close to my Savior and learning all I can about him and spend time in prayer with him, either on the computer or outside my home. I find I am one person around my mom and another person away from my mom.

Now for the journey of my own, I am no longer employed and am working with Worksafe BC to be retrained. I have received an amazing letter of reference from my last employer. I know that God is in control because he prepared the way, as he told me before it all started that he was moving me and to be still and know he is God and most of all to trust him in this.

I spent the last couple of weeks, as I looked for appropriate classes, that the math was not adding up with Worksafe BC, so as God has taught me not to let things fester and grow, I didn't. I had an appointment with my rehab worker last Thursday and I had made it to discuss the training and my concerns. I also asked for the Body of Christ to cover me and this appointment in prayer.

 I took a copy of my T4 slip(employment slip for taxes), my tax slip for Worksafe BC and photocopied them onto one piece of paper and then added them up and wrote it on the paper. Worksafe had originally said they could only train me up to a $20,000. a year job, which I found out was a job making $4. an hour less than I was making when I was let go do to my injury and when I did the math on my tax slips that $ amount per year was just over $8,000 dollars a year short. I confronted the rehab worker and he could not remember saying the $20,000. a year and looked it up and now it is now was over $27,000. a year job they could train me too. I was also told originally 22 wks of training and now they are holding strong to 12 wks of training and all the courses I could find were at least 5 wks longer. I was told to go back and see what the schools can do to bring that down closer to the 12 wks. I  spent the time I had on Thursday and Friday talking with the schools and will call my worker on Monday to pass the info on.

I also have some health issues that appear to be settling down, as I wait for a Colonoscopy, as they try to figure out why I was bleeding. Bleeding has stopped now and I am feeling fine. I though am gaining weight now that I am not detailing rv's. I walk 2 hr walks and I am still gaining weight and I have to say it is really starting to bug me, that this is happening, heck I'm not even eating potato chips anymore or snacking as my mouth won't let me eat the snack food I like and I am still gaining weight.... ok that was my wining about my weight session over.

I have an exciting time ahead, as well. I have been sitting in awe, as God puts together my new smile that will soon be filled with teeth. God has so provided every aspect of this in his perfect timing. I have just completed all the dentistry work and wait for my gums to heal for the impressions to be made, for the dentures that are being donated along with all the other services to make it possible. I can't wait to share the before and after photo's with you all!!

Ok, now onto the part I enjoy most right now and especially this week. I had my Pastorate this last Tuesday and I so look forward to it as it is a place I can discuss freely my faith in a two way conversation of acceptance and understanding. A brother in Christ shared with me www.dailyaudiobible.com, I have to admit I have not found alone time to listen to it yet, but I did try. Supposedly, Daily Audio Bible will take you through the Bible in a year. We enjoyed breaking bread together, as we enjoyed an amazing meal and community, as well as time in the scriptures.

I was so blessed with being able to go to the "TobyMac Hits Deep Tour," in Abbotsford, through the blessing of a sister in Christ! What an amazing concert and after I was able to speak with Matt Maher & Brandon Heath. I finally was able to share with Brandon Heath that his song Give Me Your Eyes has so been a prayer of mine!!

The Concert broke the attendance record for the Abbotsford Sports & Entertainment Centre.

I was then blessed by another sister in Christ, who blessed me with being able to attend the Apologetics Canada 2014 Conference. What an amazing 2 days that was, this last Friday & Saturday. I learned much and walked away changed. They had some amazing speakers. 

After the Conference I decided to wait and stay for the Saturday night service, at the my Church where the Conference was being held. I would use the hour and a half wait to steal some time to read my Systematic Theology by Wayne Grudem text book for my theology class. I had been falling behind on reading it as I never could find uninterrupted time to read and now that I am not working the weeks are flying by quickly with no definition of time. I was able to read quite of Ch 52.

I went into the worship centre as it came time for Pastor Jeff's Message, as we start a new series. I have to say his message was an amazing end to an amazing day, as he spoke on:

1 Peter, an apostle of Jesus Christ,

To those who are elect exiles of the Dispersion in Pontus, Galatia, Cappadocia, Asia, and Bithynia, 2 according to the foreknowledge of God the Father, in the sanctification of the Spirit, for obedience to Jesus Christ and for sprinkling with his blood:

May grace and peace be multiplied to you.

1 Peter 1:1-2

If you are ever interested in listening to the Messages  I mention, they always post them the around the Tuesday after the service http://northview.org/message-series/, you can also listen to past messages as well.

I had noticed earlier on the Bulletin for the church that there was an opportunity for a 10 to 12 month paid internship, my heart started raising at the thought of how perfect of timing this was!! I also felt the peace that this would be something that would work with Worksafe BC, as it would give me experience. I so want to enter full time ministry as that is my hearts desire and God willing this would be the open door to do that. Good sign, my mom even thinks it is a good idea. I have to say that blew me out of the water.

I ended the night by walking to catch the bus, it is about a 30 min walk to the bus stop from church. Our dry weather had ended and we were under a rain warning. I had almost made it to the bus stop, as I spoke with God and came to the realize it was Saturday night and the buses were limited. I ended up walking the whole way home in the rain, one and half more hours. I enjoyed the quiet time with God as it had been to long to be able to have that time. I finally made it home and even though I was wearing a heavy winter coat I was soaked right through to my skin. I grabbed a tall mug of Chia Tea Latte and my PJ's and curled up in my recliner until it was time to curl into bed.

Revelations of this last bit:

During the Conference it was brought up about some of the atrocities that have happened such as the holocaust and genocide. We also listen to a brother in Christ who witnessed his family being slaughtered and was left for dead in a mass grave under many bodies and managed to escape by the grace of God. He also spoke on how he met the men who killed his parents and siblings and forgave them and hugged them. His story was incredible and made me think could I forgive those who harmed my family if I was face to face with them, I think the only way that could happen was by through Jesus Christ.

 I was brought back to that last night before I became broken, in 2009, and cried out to God. The night, I had to make a life or death choice. I was left restraining my child on my mothers bed, as she was in a state of non-coherent hallucination where in her mind I was the enemy killing her family. I was loosing my ability to restrain her and keeping her safe from hurting herself. I heard a voice say " Look there is a pillow, all you have to do is hold it over her head till she is just unconscious, then she won't fight you for a bit and you can gain control again and keep her safe!!" I also heard another voice in my head that said do not do it you will kill her and the scripture where Jesus was tempted by Satin came into my thoughts." I felt like this went on for hours, even though it was more likely minutes. God was telling me to trust him, even if it wasn't the easiest thing to do and not to fall for satin's lies.  

I came to the realization after the first night of the Conference, that we take for granted the mercy and grace of God's hand allows us to live our lives this way, because we are all capable with in our hearts without Christ to commit the acts we deplore in others, when placed in the right circumstances.

Father thank you for your mercy and grace in our lives that allows us to go to sleep at night and wake in the morning, that allows us to choose the righteous path verses an evil one. Father thank you for being sovereign over all things that may come our way, help us to rest in that as we walk each day and if we forget remind us Father. I lay my burdens at the foot of the cross as I trust you are in control. In Jesus Name Amen.

May the Holy Spirit Guide and protect you and those you love, as we journey towards home!

Sunday, March 9, 2014


I hope you have had a good week!

Well we went to see the doctors on Monday to get the results of my son's EEG and the results of a CT scan he had over a month ago, to only find out the results of the CT scan were still not in, the Doctor said they were finding that the CT scans appeared to be back logged when it came to examining  them for the results.

I have to say my brain went to, I should call them and make sure they haven't lost them......once an advocate, always an advocate!

At the end of last week, I had spoke with my Worksafe BC rehab worker. I was asked to look into schooling for training in Microsoft Office & Simply Accounting and get back to him by around Monday. He also told me that I was looking at a maximum training of 12 wks. I started shaking my head, good thing he couldn't see through the phone. When we started this discussion on rehab. I was told I was looking at around 22 wks of training and they could train me up to a $20,000 dollar a year job.

I started to find out that their math wasn't adding up, as I started looking at job posts, trying to find the skills I would need to get a job, I started noticing the job posts and the #'s. I was finding that a $20,000 dollar a year job was only a $10.25 an hour job and I was being paid $14.00 an hour when I was let go from my job, do to my injury. I now was being told that I would be aloud 10 wks less training then I started out being offered. My back was now starting to be put up and I was feeling that wall of armor coming up and that fight or flight feeling coming up, but this is not what God has taught me, but what the abuse and rejection in my life had taught me. I was left with the question: "God how am I to handle this?". I was left with taking one step at a time and not running ahead to plot out the beginning, the middle and the end of this argument and in doing so in sighting anger and defensiveness that comes with that. I would just need to get all the facts about what was needed and then go from there.

 I found 3 local Colleges with in walking distance of home, one was mentioned to me by my rehab worker. I looked at their websites, but the information given was very vague. I put my information in to request contact from the schools. I first heard back from Academy of Learning and set up an appointment to meet them in their first available spot Thursday.

Monday came along and I continued my research for information. I found the day escape me between everything I needed to accomplish that day, including getting the stitches removed from my mouth, and found it to late to call my worker, so I would need to call him on Tuesday.

I called him on Tuesday morning and I received the voice mail, so I left a message letting him know that this week would be spent meeting with the three schools and that I would get back to him after I had all the information.

Tuesday morning I would go to the dentist to get the last part of my dental completed and then I would only be left with three weeks of waiting for the healing process, so the impressions could be done for my new teeth and my new smile filled with teeth. Praise God!!

 On my way to the dentist I stopped by the store to get my Mom a birthday card, as Wednesday she would be turning 70. I got the card and then proceeded to walk to the dentist. I thought I would be smart and take the path from the store up the hill to behind a hotel, because I thought it would be much quicker. I have to say it wasn't one of my brighter ideas, as we had just had a major snowfall and the path was covered in snow and was quite steep. I made it to about 3 ft from the top of the hill when I hit soft mushy ground under the snow and started to slide backwards so I fell forward to stop me from tumbling down. I caught myself with my mom's card in one hand and my wouldn't hold you up if you wanted right hand. My hands and finger nails were covered in mud and I looked down and so was my jeans. I managed to crawl the last bit up to the level and boy what a mess I was in, but it looked like my mom's card was spared. I would now go to the dentist covered in mud, fun, but done!

I had been praying for my Worksafe cheque to come in early, so I could hopefully do more than a card, as I spent my last little bit of money I had on the card. I got home from the dentist and Praise God it was in the post box. I quickly subtracted all of my committed bills that had to come off of my cheque and it left me with very little. I rushed to the bank to deposit the cheque and I made it with only 10 min to spare before they closed, I think it helped that I tried running most of the way from my place to the bank.

I had left my son at the mall, so he could pick up a card for his Nana. I thought he would have waited for me, but I guess the long, early days at culinary school were catching up to him, he was at home by the time I made it to the mall.

I spotted at the grocery store, at the mall, the flower plant mom had been eyeing up the week before and it was only $1. way less than it was before, so I found a nice one and entered the store to pay for it and then thought I would take a boo at the bakery and see if I could afford to get her anything, as I had under $20. total to spend on everything for her 70th birthday. I walked up to the bakery counter and low and behold there was one white birthday cake 50% off, because it was a day old. I was so thankful, because there was no way I could bake her one as my arm was backsliding and in massive pain. I bought the cake and the plant and headed down the mall and saw the Purdy's shop, mom loves their milk covered ginger, so I stopped. I asked the girl how much for 7 pcs of milk covered ginger, I said because it is my mom's 70th Birthday. She asked if I wanted it in a box or a bag and under the circumstances I had to ask what it would cost because I didn't have a lot to spend, do to my circumstances, she told me bag would be $2. less, so I said it would have to be the bag as that was all I had left. She put it in the little paper bag and then said just a minute i can put it in a clear sleeve,  so she did and put a small purple bow on it. She was such a blessing in her care and compassion she graciously extended me. I didn't have a lot for mom but was so thankful for God's provision of making what I had stretch.

I was walking home when the enemy thought he would have a little fun with my thoughts, as I was reminded of a conversation I had with a sister in Christ about celebrating milestone birthdays of her mom and mom-in-law and all the grand things they had done and would be doing, which included s trip. My mind started to compare the two and how feebly I was once again celebrating my mom's milestone birthday and started letting it resonate on how once again I had failed my mom. I have to say it was one of those moments the enemy loves, to play with. I called mom to let her know I was almost home and at the sound of her voice and what my mind I was thinking, the tears started to flow and I found myself apologizing to her for not being able to give her the birthday she deserved, she tried to reassure me it was ok, like mom's do.

I came in the house and quickly hid what I had bought in my room until she went to sleep.

We celebrated Mom's 70 th Birthday, as my Aunt came out and took Mom and I out for lunch at ABC Restaurant and then we spent a quiet evening with Birthday Cake.

I will leave this post here as I was unable to get back to it until today and will start a new post. 2014-03-09