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Monday, November 3, 2014

Facing the Week

The week began with preparing for a job interview and learning that Craigslist is full of snares when it comes to job posts, it ended with questions.

I was contacted by a lady from one of the jobs I had applied for, that I had found on our churches bulletin board. I would need to go out to Langley for the interview on Tuesday, with a day’s notice. I was panicking a bit because I always like to take a dry run to make sure there are no kinks and timing is right. I would not have the opportunity this time. I had never gone off the trait line of the buses I knew to the sky train. I would have to venture off that path to get to my appointment in Langley.

I found myself, after speaking with my mom and having Work Safe BC tell me that my not driving was my choice, contemplating whether I should try driving again. I was thinking that the moment when I lost control of the van in our underground parking I was not expecting to and was caught off guard. I would though now be expecting it causing me to adapt my driving.

I put it out on FB, as I struggled with the contemplation of driving again. I was deeply afraid of driving after the last time I drove, over a year ago. A friend suggested it might not be a good idea to show up frazzled from driving to a job interview. I thought they had a good point.

I would go to the internet to try to plot a route by bus to my interview. I would find out it was quite easy to get to the appointment, as I only had to switch onto one bus that looked like it had a stop very close to the place.

I woke up Tuesday morning trying to make sure everything was going to run like clockwork. I had messaged my ride to pastorate letting them know my interview was at 4:30 pm and I did not know if I would be back in time to connect. I was so hoping though as I look so forward to time in community with my pastorate. I researched the company, prepared my resume package with references, diploma and transcripts. I grabbed a shower quickly got dressed and left with everything in hand, at least so I thought.  I would need to catch the 1:40 pm bus, connecting me to Aldergrove.

I would start my journey and make my connection to the second bus. When meeting my third and last connection I would end up connecting to the bus one before the one expected and would arrive at my destination an hour early. I would also leave the bus with another abdominal attack, thinking this time it would be the nerves setting it off. I would look around for a restaurant, corner store or gas station as I was buckling over in pain and needed to find a washroom. I would find I was in an industrial park and I would have to walk for blocks with no sidewalks but muddy edges of the road and I would have to cross a railroad track before I would find a little industrial park diner. I was so thankful I was early, it gave me time to get my weak but back to a place where I wasn't suffering.

I would wonder around until it was about quarter to my appointment time and then would go in. I would find out that the position was being hired with the intent to evolve into taking over for the Lady who was interviewing me as she had intentions of retiring in the next couple of years. I felt the interview went well as it as everything I was looking for a place to grow with the company. I would be told that it was between me and one other lady, who just happened to be the mother of the girl I would possibly replacing. She told me that it was between my skill that was greater than the other lady she was interviewing and her experience that was greater than mine. I was also told that she would be interviewing her the next day, Wednesday, and then giving all the information to the owner who would make the final decision. We would say our closing social comments and we would part ways as I left, thankful there was no question about whether I drive or not.

While walking around when I first arrived I had spotted a bus stop and a bus that just happened to be the same one that I had gotten off earlier and had looped around to a road a block from drop off. I waited there and eventually the bus would arrive at just after 5 pm.

I would make the connection with 10 min to spare. I would get to Aldergrove and find out I had a 40 minute lay over before the bus that would need to get home would arrive. My brain started working over-time as I left Langley at the same time I would be leaving Monday to Friday if I got the job. I started questioning could I do that every day? We were entering winter, the temperatures would start falling and the rain and snow fall as the daylight gets less and shelter limited. Could I do it, really? How was I going to do this, I needed to find a job, but there was very limited opportunities within the city I lived.

My thoughts would be broken by my cell phone ringing, it was my ride to pastorate. I had so hoped to be back in time. I had even taken ten chicken breasts out of the freezer and my mom had said if I wouldn't make it back in time she would make the butter chicken with rice, which I had planned to make myself. I was humbled as my brother in Christ had asked if it was too late for him and his wife to pick me up from Aldergrove, unfortunately it was for two reasons, one we wouldn't be back in time for the start of Pastorate and he was leading it, second the bus would be there before he could get there. I would have to miss the Pastorate, this made me as sad as it was something that I so looked forward too.

I would end the call and no sooner would my phone would shut off as the battery was done. I would realize I had not remembered I had not picked up my portable charger for my phone, I was now cut off from communicating with anyone, while I waited. We never use to think of this before cell phones were around as it was normal.

I would finally get on the last bus home hoping that there was some way I could even make it to Pastorate late. I was hoping Mom was feeling better to drive, but she had been in pain with her leg and new hip for the last few days. I had no way of calling her, I could only hope.

I made it to the bus exchange and would walk as fast as I could home, thankful I had brought a change of shoes for walking, taking off my heals. I would get home and there was no way she could drive me. I would have to come to resolve that I could not get there. I was saddened,

I needed to focus on the good, knowing that come morning I would be meeting for coffee with my dear friend who had been away for a while.

I had received an email from the lady who had interviewed me earlier. She had forgot to ask me what my wage expectation was and to tell me the benefits. I always disliked that question about expected wage because how do you really answer that question?

I thought I have to go to someone who would know what answer an employer wants, as she herself was a business owner. I felt she would have insight and was a dear sister in Christ, so I would Facebook her the question.

She would reply with some helpful questions and answers. We would then end up on the subject of me and driving. I would be encouraged by her and my mom to take steps to driving again. I said I would try but it was overcoming the fear that I felt when I had lost control of the minivan, but they agreed that I was aware now and it will make a difference.

My Mom said she would receive her pension check tomorrow and I could drive her to Costco. I was thinking Costco on pension day, of all the first places to drive for the first time in over a year. I have to admit I had reservations or you could call fears about doing that.

I have to say if life has taught me anything it is to reach past your fears as they are only an emotion. Fears are those emotion that is most likely to make mountains out of mole hills and likes to keep you a prisoner.

Morning would come and my girlfriend would pick me up and we would have a great talk. I would come home and off we would head out to Costco, with all my nervousness. I would find driving was much like riding a bike once you do it you never forget how. We would get to our destination and back safely. I would feel it though as my arm would be in pain for the rest of the night. 

My dad's sister would call my mom that night. She would let my mom know that my dad was taken to hospital by ambulance and he was not lucid. I still don't know why she was contacted and not us and most likely will never know.  Mom would leave a message for the home on their voice mail questioning why, but would not hear back from them. 

Mom would get a hold of the hospital. They told her that my dad had pneumonia, he was dehydrated and his sugar levels were high. He was not lucid and was being admitted. Mom would let her know that she had a mammogram in the morning and we would come by.

Morning would come, I would go to Theology Class.  I would get home around 7:30 am and go back to sleep for a bit as the night had been free of sleep. Mom would called to find out where he was in the hospital and how he was doing. We would find out he was marginally better and was still in the emergency department. I heard those words "Emergency Department" a chill went down my spine. My dad was in the place that brought back allot of horrific memories for me and triggers the PTSD. 

Mom would go for her mammogram appointment, then we would head down to emerge. We were told to go through the door and hang a left. We did this and dad would be in the room strait in front of us, the curtains were drawn. I would go to open the curtains as my mom figured out where to park her scooter, As I opened the curtain, I saw my dad laying there in his fragile looking frame, his elbow appeared to have a spider like bruise on it and his head was slouched over. He appeared to be asleep. His bed was tilted so his feet end was raised and although his head end was raised as well not as much. The nurse came to talk to us and she told us, as she adjusted my dad on the bed, that he had been on oral antibiotics but they were not working She said when he came in he was in really rough shape and looked really bad. He looked better, although unless we saw him yesterday would not tell. 

We stayed for a little, but it was apparent he was not going to know if we were hear or not, as he was so out of it. I was not doing well either as the emotions from the PTSD were strong and I knew it would not be long before I became lost in the video tapes of the trauma.  I made sure the nurse had my contact information as next of kin. We wouldn't be able to leave the hospital yet, as my mom was running out of sugar, so I would need to get her something so we could leave. We then would head home.

Friday I would need to get to the bank to take care of some things and then to Work Safe to put in my by-weekly job search forms. I had applied to many jobs in this last couple of weeks, as I regularly going through my job search resources seeking out where I could apply.  

I arrived at Work Safe and handed in my forms. I needed to talk to my worker so I could update him on my progress and let him know I was taking baby steps to driving again. We talked for a bit and he told me that he had applied for the 6 week extension, but had not heard anything yet, but didn't figure it would be an issue as I had gone above and beyond the expected. 

I am finding as I try to write this the day after I went back to the hospital with my mom, brother and his three girls, I am really struggling as the PTSD was triggered again and I was faced with the nurse asking me if I knew my dad had a DNR (do not resesitate) order and that all they would be doing was keeping him comfortable and trying to feed him but would not force him to eat.  I am finding it hard to access my memories of what has happened over the last few days as patches are missing. My head is feeling the pressure and every thought takes on pain in place of thought. I get frustrated as I try to recall specifics of the last few days. The PTSD can be quite debilitating at times and words cannot describe what it feels like when one is trying to fight through it as it alters where you are and intertwines the past into the present. I am thankful though that my triggers are isolated, although that place is a place I cannot avoid, but at least I know it is a trigger giving me the opportunity to have warning that it will possibly come. 

I spent the day fighting off the negative mood, this becomes difficult when you are faced with the reality that your dad may be in his final days and you are feeling emotionally numb. My dad was someone I grew up to fear, as he fought alcoholism and mental illness. I am now faced with the man I feared being frail and weak and my heart has no idea what to do with it. My dad had not been a big part of my life growing up, but he still was my father and I use to be daddies little girl. I hated what my dad was but I love him just the same, creating turmoil.  

Among the turmoil of the reality of my dad not being indestructible and facing the place that was the center of the PTSD, I face the weight of trying to find employment, so that I can continue supporting my family. I fight an internal battle that forces me to choose daily whether I will put another foot forward or just lay down. I am weak and some days are easier than others. 

I am thankful I have a God who is my strength in my weakness, my possible in the impossible, who loved me when I did not love myself, who is forgiving when I am unforgivable, who is my peace in my chaos, He gives me the ability to face the unfaceable.  

I walk daily in the shelter of my Savior, as I know this too shall pass and through it I will be molded and shaped into the person I was created to be for the purpose God has for me.  

My continued prayer for my life is for God to continue to consume me, break me and transform me, so I may become more Christ like. I know that through the trials I learn to keep my eyes on Jesus and all my idols of this world lose their grip. I ask God to keep me on my knees. I heard a song on my iPod that speaks to this it is called "Keep Me on My Knees" by All Things New.

Father I thank you for your sovereignty. Hallow be your name. I ask for your forgiveness for those things in my life that are not pleasing to you. Father my heart breaks for those who do not know you and I watch them choose to reject you are live life thinking there are no consequences to rejecting you. I sit hear not knowing whether or not my dad is saved and I fear the consequences if he is not as he faces these days/ I pray for the salvation of my friends family and those who do not know you. I pray that they are your elect. Father help me to lean on you when I do not understand why or how come I have to walk this journey and forgive me. Thank you for continuing to bringing me back to your promise and bringing your truth to drown out the lies. You are the God of all comfort, help me to use the comfort you give me to comfort those around me.  In Jesus Name Amen.

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