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Monday, March 10, 2014

Where to Unscramble

I sit here trying to think where to start, what to write. I know you are sitting here on the other side of this screen and for a moment are stepping into my life and my journey.

My Journey depends allot on the mercy and grace of my Heavenly Father. He has taught me so much and is still teaching me.

I trust God with all that I am faced with because he is Sovereign over it all and I have a history with God that tells me I can trust him because people may let me down, like I let them down, but God has never ever let me down.

I will take you through each part of my journey separately as I write and hope fully I will leave you with an understanding of each.

My Son is taking me on a journey with his health issues, as we try to figure out where the pieces fit together, this part of the journey with him started  when he blacked out walking our two dogs. He has been sent for several medical tests, that we wait on the results.

We so far know that his hearts beats per minute are higher than they should be, but were not the cause of his black out, but have resulted in further tests. His last test we wait on the results for is an ECO, an Ultra Sound of the Heart.

We also know that his first EEG came back abnormal and he was sent for a sleep deprived EEG & a Cat-scan which we wait for the results.

I also asked the doctor if he could be tested with diabetes, as he is showing some of the symptoms of, so the doctor sent him for a fasting blood sugar and any other blood test he could think of that could be linked. The doctor did this because getting my son to have a blood test in the past has resulted in him being band from all the labs in our community and some in others, as his adrenalin spikes and he becomes too strong to make him.

 One thing you quickly find out with Autism is when it comes to health issues you definitely feel challenged as you face sensory issues and the person with Autism verbalizing what they are experiencing, as well as whether they feel like it is something they think you need to know or if they have categorized it into you are not the person I need to tell, so they wait till they deem someone is the right person.

 I can remember times in the past when I took him to the doctors and he was bouncing everywhere but I just knew he wasn't well, so the doctor sent him for an x-ray and I later received a call from the doctor apologizing because he had full blown pneumonia, by all appearances there was nothing wrong but because of the Autism he does not react in the expected way when he is sick. I also remember sitting in a doctors office and he blurted out something that was not right with him and had been happening for a while but because I was mom not Doctor he had categorized  that this was something you told doctors not mom, so he didn't tell me.

My son though has returned to Culinary School and although he is exhausted he is pushing through and taking more and more responsibility for doing it on his own without needing us to remind him of things, he is making it his own. I pray for God to be the Father to the Fatherless in my sons life as I trust my son in the hands of the Father.

My daughter even though she is miles away in a different province is taking me on the journey of her first boyfriend, long distance from mom/me. I never imagined my daughters first date to be this way.

I am happy though that so far he is making her happy and from what I am hearing cares for her. She has even passed meeting his parents. I find myself trusting her in God's hands, as I fall to my knees in morning prayer and I pray for her, her boyfriend and his parents and restoration in her relationship with her dad.

My mom takes me on a journey of her own, as she continually fights health and pain issues, as well as  the bondage of past experiences and feels her life has no meaning she just makes it through the dun drum of everyday. She also can't understand and sometimes resents the time I spend with God and my relationship with him.

I struggle as I can only feel free to be me, who hungers and thirsts to be close to my Savior and learning all I can about him and spend time in prayer with him, either on the computer or outside my home. I find I am one person around my mom and another person away from my mom.

Now for the journey of my own, I am no longer employed and am working with Worksafe BC to be retrained. I have received an amazing letter of reference from my last employer. I know that God is in control because he prepared the way, as he told me before it all started that he was moving me and to be still and know he is God and most of all to trust him in this.

I spent the last couple of weeks, as I looked for appropriate classes, that the math was not adding up with Worksafe BC, so as God has taught me not to let things fester and grow, I didn't. I had an appointment with my rehab worker last Thursday and I had made it to discuss the training and my concerns. I also asked for the Body of Christ to cover me and this appointment in prayer.

 I took a copy of my T4 slip(employment slip for taxes), my tax slip for Worksafe BC and photocopied them onto one piece of paper and then added them up and wrote it on the paper. Worksafe had originally said they could only train me up to a $20,000. a year job, which I found out was a job making $4. an hour less than I was making when I was let go do to my injury and when I did the math on my tax slips that $ amount per year was just over $8,000 dollars a year short. I confronted the rehab worker and he could not remember saying the $20,000. a year and looked it up and now it is now was over $27,000. a year job they could train me too. I was also told originally 22 wks of training and now they are holding strong to 12 wks of training and all the courses I could find were at least 5 wks longer. I was told to go back and see what the schools can do to bring that down closer to the 12 wks. I  spent the time I had on Thursday and Friday talking with the schools and will call my worker on Monday to pass the info on.

I also have some health issues that appear to be settling down, as I wait for a Colonoscopy, as they try to figure out why I was bleeding. Bleeding has stopped now and I am feeling fine. I though am gaining weight now that I am not detailing rv's. I walk 2 hr walks and I am still gaining weight and I have to say it is really starting to bug me, that this is happening, heck I'm not even eating potato chips anymore or snacking as my mouth won't let me eat the snack food I like and I am still gaining weight.... ok that was my wining about my weight session over.

I have an exciting time ahead, as well. I have been sitting in awe, as God puts together my new smile that will soon be filled with teeth. God has so provided every aspect of this in his perfect timing. I have just completed all the dentistry work and wait for my gums to heal for the impressions to be made, for the dentures that are being donated along with all the other services to make it possible. I can't wait to share the before and after photo's with you all!!

Ok, now onto the part I enjoy most right now and especially this week. I had my Pastorate this last Tuesday and I so look forward to it as it is a place I can discuss freely my faith in a two way conversation of acceptance and understanding. A brother in Christ shared with me www.dailyaudiobible.com, I have to admit I have not found alone time to listen to it yet, but I did try. Supposedly, Daily Audio Bible will take you through the Bible in a year. We enjoyed breaking bread together, as we enjoyed an amazing meal and community, as well as time in the scriptures.

I was so blessed with being able to go to the "TobyMac Hits Deep Tour," in Abbotsford, through the blessing of a sister in Christ! What an amazing concert and after I was able to speak with Matt Maher & Brandon Heath. I finally was able to share with Brandon Heath that his song Give Me Your Eyes has so been a prayer of mine!!

The Concert broke the attendance record for the Abbotsford Sports & Entertainment Centre.

I was then blessed by another sister in Christ, who blessed me with being able to attend the Apologetics Canada 2014 Conference. What an amazing 2 days that was, this last Friday & Saturday. I learned much and walked away changed. They had some amazing speakers. 

After the Conference I decided to wait and stay for the Saturday night service, at the my Church where the Conference was being held. I would use the hour and a half wait to steal some time to read my Systematic Theology by Wayne Grudem text book for my theology class. I had been falling behind on reading it as I never could find uninterrupted time to read and now that I am not working the weeks are flying by quickly with no definition of time. I was able to read quite of Ch 52.

I went into the worship centre as it came time for Pastor Jeff's Message, as we start a new series. I have to say his message was an amazing end to an amazing day, as he spoke on:

1 Peter, an apostle of Jesus Christ,

To those who are elect exiles of the Dispersion in Pontus, Galatia, Cappadocia, Asia, and Bithynia, 2 according to the foreknowledge of God the Father, in the sanctification of the Spirit, for obedience to Jesus Christ and for sprinkling with his blood:

May grace and peace be multiplied to you.

1 Peter 1:1-2

If you are ever interested in listening to the Messages  I mention, they always post them the around the Tuesday after the service http://northview.org/message-series/, you can also listen to past messages as well.

I had noticed earlier on the Bulletin for the church that there was an opportunity for a 10 to 12 month paid internship, my heart started raising at the thought of how perfect of timing this was!! I also felt the peace that this would be something that would work with Worksafe BC, as it would give me experience. I so want to enter full time ministry as that is my hearts desire and God willing this would be the open door to do that. Good sign, my mom even thinks it is a good idea. I have to say that blew me out of the water.

I ended the night by walking to catch the bus, it is about a 30 min walk to the bus stop from church. Our dry weather had ended and we were under a rain warning. I had almost made it to the bus stop, as I spoke with God and came to the realize it was Saturday night and the buses were limited. I ended up walking the whole way home in the rain, one and half more hours. I enjoyed the quiet time with God as it had been to long to be able to have that time. I finally made it home and even though I was wearing a heavy winter coat I was soaked right through to my skin. I grabbed a tall mug of Chia Tea Latte and my PJ's and curled up in my recliner until it was time to curl into bed.

Revelations of this last bit:

During the Conference it was brought up about some of the atrocities that have happened such as the holocaust and genocide. We also listen to a brother in Christ who witnessed his family being slaughtered and was left for dead in a mass grave under many bodies and managed to escape by the grace of God. He also spoke on how he met the men who killed his parents and siblings and forgave them and hugged them. His story was incredible and made me think could I forgive those who harmed my family if I was face to face with them, I think the only way that could happen was by through Jesus Christ.

 I was brought back to that last night before I became broken, in 2009, and cried out to God. The night, I had to make a life or death choice. I was left restraining my child on my mothers bed, as she was in a state of non-coherent hallucination where in her mind I was the enemy killing her family. I was loosing my ability to restrain her and keeping her safe from hurting herself. I heard a voice say " Look there is a pillow, all you have to do is hold it over her head till she is just unconscious, then she won't fight you for a bit and you can gain control again and keep her safe!!" I also heard another voice in my head that said do not do it you will kill her and the scripture where Jesus was tempted by Satin came into my thoughts." I felt like this went on for hours, even though it was more likely minutes. God was telling me to trust him, even if it wasn't the easiest thing to do and not to fall for satin's lies.  

I came to the realization after the first night of the Conference, that we take for granted the mercy and grace of God's hand allows us to live our lives this way, because we are all capable with in our hearts without Christ to commit the acts we deplore in others, when placed in the right circumstances.

Father thank you for your mercy and grace in our lives that allows us to go to sleep at night and wake in the morning, that allows us to choose the righteous path verses an evil one. Father thank you for being sovereign over all things that may come our way, help us to rest in that as we walk each day and if we forget remind us Father. I lay my burdens at the foot of the cross as I trust you are in control. In Jesus Name Amen.

May the Holy Spirit Guide and protect you and those you love, as we journey towards home!

Sunday, March 9, 2014


I hope you have had a good week!

Well we went to see the doctors on Monday to get the results of my son's EEG and the results of a CT scan he had over a month ago, to only find out the results of the CT scan were still not in, the Doctor said they were finding that the CT scans appeared to be back logged when it came to examining  them for the results.

I have to say my brain went to, I should call them and make sure they haven't lost them......once an advocate, always an advocate!

At the end of last week, I had spoke with my Worksafe BC rehab worker. I was asked to look into schooling for training in Microsoft Office & Simply Accounting and get back to him by around Monday. He also told me that I was looking at a maximum training of 12 wks. I started shaking my head, good thing he couldn't see through the phone. When we started this discussion on rehab. I was told I was looking at around 22 wks of training and they could train me up to a $20,000 dollar a year job.

I started to find out that their math wasn't adding up, as I started looking at job posts, trying to find the skills I would need to get a job, I started noticing the job posts and the #'s. I was finding that a $20,000 dollar a year job was only a $10.25 an hour job and I was being paid $14.00 an hour when I was let go from my job, do to my injury. I now was being told that I would be aloud 10 wks less training then I started out being offered. My back was now starting to be put up and I was feeling that wall of armor coming up and that fight or flight feeling coming up, but this is not what God has taught me, but what the abuse and rejection in my life had taught me. I was left with the question: "God how am I to handle this?". I was left with taking one step at a time and not running ahead to plot out the beginning, the middle and the end of this argument and in doing so in sighting anger and defensiveness that comes with that. I would just need to get all the facts about what was needed and then go from there.

 I found 3 local Colleges with in walking distance of home, one was mentioned to me by my rehab worker. I looked at their websites, but the information given was very vague. I put my information in to request contact from the schools. I first heard back from Academy of Learning and set up an appointment to meet them in their first available spot Thursday.

Monday came along and I continued my research for information. I found the day escape me between everything I needed to accomplish that day, including getting the stitches removed from my mouth, and found it to late to call my worker, so I would need to call him on Tuesday.

I called him on Tuesday morning and I received the voice mail, so I left a message letting him know that this week would be spent meeting with the three schools and that I would get back to him after I had all the information.

Tuesday morning I would go to the dentist to get the last part of my dental completed and then I would only be left with three weeks of waiting for the healing process, so the impressions could be done for my new teeth and my new smile filled with teeth. Praise God!!

 On my way to the dentist I stopped by the store to get my Mom a birthday card, as Wednesday she would be turning 70. I got the card and then proceeded to walk to the dentist. I thought I would be smart and take the path from the store up the hill to behind a hotel, because I thought it would be much quicker. I have to say it wasn't one of my brighter ideas, as we had just had a major snowfall and the path was covered in snow and was quite steep. I made it to about 3 ft from the top of the hill when I hit soft mushy ground under the snow and started to slide backwards so I fell forward to stop me from tumbling down. I caught myself with my mom's card in one hand and my wouldn't hold you up if you wanted right hand. My hands and finger nails were covered in mud and I looked down and so was my jeans. I managed to crawl the last bit up to the level and boy what a mess I was in, but it looked like my mom's card was spared. I would now go to the dentist covered in mud, fun, but done!

I had been praying for my Worksafe cheque to come in early, so I could hopefully do more than a card, as I spent my last little bit of money I had on the card. I got home from the dentist and Praise God it was in the post box. I quickly subtracted all of my committed bills that had to come off of my cheque and it left me with very little. I rushed to the bank to deposit the cheque and I made it with only 10 min to spare before they closed, I think it helped that I tried running most of the way from my place to the bank.

I had left my son at the mall, so he could pick up a card for his Nana. I thought he would have waited for me, but I guess the long, early days at culinary school were catching up to him, he was at home by the time I made it to the mall.

I spotted at the grocery store, at the mall, the flower plant mom had been eyeing up the week before and it was only $1. way less than it was before, so I found a nice one and entered the store to pay for it and then thought I would take a boo at the bakery and see if I could afford to get her anything, as I had under $20. total to spend on everything for her 70th birthday. I walked up to the bakery counter and low and behold there was one white birthday cake 50% off, because it was a day old. I was so thankful, because there was no way I could bake her one as my arm was backsliding and in massive pain. I bought the cake and the plant and headed down the mall and saw the Purdy's shop, mom loves their milk covered ginger, so I stopped. I asked the girl how much for 7 pcs of milk covered ginger, I said because it is my mom's 70th Birthday. She asked if I wanted it in a box or a bag and under the circumstances I had to ask what it would cost because I didn't have a lot to spend, do to my circumstances, she told me bag would be $2. less, so I said it would have to be the bag as that was all I had left. She put it in the little paper bag and then said just a minute i can put it in a clear sleeve,  so she did and put a small purple bow on it. She was such a blessing in her care and compassion she graciously extended me. I didn't have a lot for mom but was so thankful for God's provision of making what I had stretch.

I was walking home when the enemy thought he would have a little fun with my thoughts, as I was reminded of a conversation I had with a sister in Christ about celebrating milestone birthdays of her mom and mom-in-law and all the grand things they had done and would be doing, which included s trip. My mind started to compare the two and how feebly I was once again celebrating my mom's milestone birthday and started letting it resonate on how once again I had failed my mom. I have to say it was one of those moments the enemy loves, to play with. I called mom to let her know I was almost home and at the sound of her voice and what my mind I was thinking, the tears started to flow and I found myself apologizing to her for not being able to give her the birthday she deserved, she tried to reassure me it was ok, like mom's do.

I came in the house and quickly hid what I had bought in my room until she went to sleep.

We celebrated Mom's 70 th Birthday, as my Aunt came out and took Mom and I out for lunch at ABC Restaurant and then we spent a quiet evening with Birthday Cake.

I will leave this post here as I was unable to get back to it until today and will start a new post. 2014-03-09