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Monday, March 10, 2014

Where to Unscramble

I sit here trying to think where to start, what to write. I know you are sitting here on the other side of this screen and for a moment are stepping into my life and my journey.

My Journey depends allot on the mercy and grace of my Heavenly Father. He has taught me so much and is still teaching me.

I trust God with all that I am faced with because he is Sovereign over it all and I have a history with God that tells me I can trust him because people may let me down, like I let them down, but God has never ever let me down.

I will take you through each part of my journey separately as I write and hope fully I will leave you with an understanding of each.

My Son is taking me on a journey with his health issues, as we try to figure out where the pieces fit together, this part of the journey with him started  when he blacked out walking our two dogs. He has been sent for several medical tests, that we wait on the results.

We so far know that his hearts beats per minute are higher than they should be, but were not the cause of his black out, but have resulted in further tests. His last test we wait on the results for is an ECO, an Ultra Sound of the Heart.

We also know that his first EEG came back abnormal and he was sent for a sleep deprived EEG & a Cat-scan which we wait for the results.

I also asked the doctor if he could be tested with diabetes, as he is showing some of the symptoms of, so the doctor sent him for a fasting blood sugar and any other blood test he could think of that could be linked. The doctor did this because getting my son to have a blood test in the past has resulted in him being band from all the labs in our community and some in others, as his adrenalin spikes and he becomes too strong to make him.

 One thing you quickly find out with Autism is when it comes to health issues you definitely feel challenged as you face sensory issues and the person with Autism verbalizing what they are experiencing, as well as whether they feel like it is something they think you need to know or if they have categorized it into you are not the person I need to tell, so they wait till they deem someone is the right person.

 I can remember times in the past when I took him to the doctors and he was bouncing everywhere but I just knew he wasn't well, so the doctor sent him for an x-ray and I later received a call from the doctor apologizing because he had full blown pneumonia, by all appearances there was nothing wrong but because of the Autism he does not react in the expected way when he is sick. I also remember sitting in a doctors office and he blurted out something that was not right with him and had been happening for a while but because I was mom not Doctor he had categorized  that this was something you told doctors not mom, so he didn't tell me.

My son though has returned to Culinary School and although he is exhausted he is pushing through and taking more and more responsibility for doing it on his own without needing us to remind him of things, he is making it his own. I pray for God to be the Father to the Fatherless in my sons life as I trust my son in the hands of the Father.

My daughter even though she is miles away in a different province is taking me on the journey of her first boyfriend, long distance from mom/me. I never imagined my daughters first date to be this way.

I am happy though that so far he is making her happy and from what I am hearing cares for her. She has even passed meeting his parents. I find myself trusting her in God's hands, as I fall to my knees in morning prayer and I pray for her, her boyfriend and his parents and restoration in her relationship with her dad.

My mom takes me on a journey of her own, as she continually fights health and pain issues, as well as  the bondage of past experiences and feels her life has no meaning she just makes it through the dun drum of everyday. She also can't understand and sometimes resents the time I spend with God and my relationship with him.

I struggle as I can only feel free to be me, who hungers and thirsts to be close to my Savior and learning all I can about him and spend time in prayer with him, either on the computer or outside my home. I find I am one person around my mom and another person away from my mom.

Now for the journey of my own, I am no longer employed and am working with Worksafe BC to be retrained. I have received an amazing letter of reference from my last employer. I know that God is in control because he prepared the way, as he told me before it all started that he was moving me and to be still and know he is God and most of all to trust him in this.

I spent the last couple of weeks, as I looked for appropriate classes, that the math was not adding up with Worksafe BC, so as God has taught me not to let things fester and grow, I didn't. I had an appointment with my rehab worker last Thursday and I had made it to discuss the training and my concerns. I also asked for the Body of Christ to cover me and this appointment in prayer.

 I took a copy of my T4 slip(employment slip for taxes), my tax slip for Worksafe BC and photocopied them onto one piece of paper and then added them up and wrote it on the paper. Worksafe had originally said they could only train me up to a $20,000. a year job, which I found out was a job making $4. an hour less than I was making when I was let go do to my injury and when I did the math on my tax slips that $ amount per year was just over $8,000 dollars a year short. I confronted the rehab worker and he could not remember saying the $20,000. a year and looked it up and now it is now was over $27,000. a year job they could train me too. I was also told originally 22 wks of training and now they are holding strong to 12 wks of training and all the courses I could find were at least 5 wks longer. I was told to go back and see what the schools can do to bring that down closer to the 12 wks. I  spent the time I had on Thursday and Friday talking with the schools and will call my worker on Monday to pass the info on.

I also have some health issues that appear to be settling down, as I wait for a Colonoscopy, as they try to figure out why I was bleeding. Bleeding has stopped now and I am feeling fine. I though am gaining weight now that I am not detailing rv's. I walk 2 hr walks and I am still gaining weight and I have to say it is really starting to bug me, that this is happening, heck I'm not even eating potato chips anymore or snacking as my mouth won't let me eat the snack food I like and I am still gaining weight.... ok that was my wining about my weight session over.

I have an exciting time ahead, as well. I have been sitting in awe, as God puts together my new smile that will soon be filled with teeth. God has so provided every aspect of this in his perfect timing. I have just completed all the dentistry work and wait for my gums to heal for the impressions to be made, for the dentures that are being donated along with all the other services to make it possible. I can't wait to share the before and after photo's with you all!!

Ok, now onto the part I enjoy most right now and especially this week. I had my Pastorate this last Tuesday and I so look forward to it as it is a place I can discuss freely my faith in a two way conversation of acceptance and understanding. A brother in Christ shared with me www.dailyaudiobible.com, I have to admit I have not found alone time to listen to it yet, but I did try. Supposedly, Daily Audio Bible will take you through the Bible in a year. We enjoyed breaking bread together, as we enjoyed an amazing meal and community, as well as time in the scriptures.

I was so blessed with being able to go to the "TobyMac Hits Deep Tour," in Abbotsford, through the blessing of a sister in Christ! What an amazing concert and after I was able to speak with Matt Maher & Brandon Heath. I finally was able to share with Brandon Heath that his song Give Me Your Eyes has so been a prayer of mine!!

The Concert broke the attendance record for the Abbotsford Sports & Entertainment Centre.

I was then blessed by another sister in Christ, who blessed me with being able to attend the Apologetics Canada 2014 Conference. What an amazing 2 days that was, this last Friday & Saturday. I learned much and walked away changed. They had some amazing speakers. 

After the Conference I decided to wait and stay for the Saturday night service, at the my Church where the Conference was being held. I would use the hour and a half wait to steal some time to read my Systematic Theology by Wayne Grudem text book for my theology class. I had been falling behind on reading it as I never could find uninterrupted time to read and now that I am not working the weeks are flying by quickly with no definition of time. I was able to read quite of Ch 52.

I went into the worship centre as it came time for Pastor Jeff's Message, as we start a new series. I have to say his message was an amazing end to an amazing day, as he spoke on:

1 Peter, an apostle of Jesus Christ,

To those who are elect exiles of the Dispersion in Pontus, Galatia, Cappadocia, Asia, and Bithynia, 2 according to the foreknowledge of God the Father, in the sanctification of the Spirit, for obedience to Jesus Christ and for sprinkling with his blood:

May grace and peace be multiplied to you.

1 Peter 1:1-2

If you are ever interested in listening to the Messages  I mention, they always post them the around the Tuesday after the service http://northview.org/message-series/, you can also listen to past messages as well.

I had noticed earlier on the Bulletin for the church that there was an opportunity for a 10 to 12 month paid internship, my heart started raising at the thought of how perfect of timing this was!! I also felt the peace that this would be something that would work with Worksafe BC, as it would give me experience. I so want to enter full time ministry as that is my hearts desire and God willing this would be the open door to do that. Good sign, my mom even thinks it is a good idea. I have to say that blew me out of the water.

I ended the night by walking to catch the bus, it is about a 30 min walk to the bus stop from church. Our dry weather had ended and we were under a rain warning. I had almost made it to the bus stop, as I spoke with God and came to the realize it was Saturday night and the buses were limited. I ended up walking the whole way home in the rain, one and half more hours. I enjoyed the quiet time with God as it had been to long to be able to have that time. I finally made it home and even though I was wearing a heavy winter coat I was soaked right through to my skin. I grabbed a tall mug of Chia Tea Latte and my PJ's and curled up in my recliner until it was time to curl into bed.

Revelations of this last bit:

During the Conference it was brought up about some of the atrocities that have happened such as the holocaust and genocide. We also listen to a brother in Christ who witnessed his family being slaughtered and was left for dead in a mass grave under many bodies and managed to escape by the grace of God. He also spoke on how he met the men who killed his parents and siblings and forgave them and hugged them. His story was incredible and made me think could I forgive those who harmed my family if I was face to face with them, I think the only way that could happen was by through Jesus Christ.

 I was brought back to that last night before I became broken, in 2009, and cried out to God. The night, I had to make a life or death choice. I was left restraining my child on my mothers bed, as she was in a state of non-coherent hallucination where in her mind I was the enemy killing her family. I was loosing my ability to restrain her and keeping her safe from hurting herself. I heard a voice say " Look there is a pillow, all you have to do is hold it over her head till she is just unconscious, then she won't fight you for a bit and you can gain control again and keep her safe!!" I also heard another voice in my head that said do not do it you will kill her and the scripture where Jesus was tempted by Satin came into my thoughts." I felt like this went on for hours, even though it was more likely minutes. God was telling me to trust him, even if it wasn't the easiest thing to do and not to fall for satin's lies.  

I came to the realization after the first night of the Conference, that we take for granted the mercy and grace of God's hand allows us to live our lives this way, because we are all capable with in our hearts without Christ to commit the acts we deplore in others, when placed in the right circumstances.

Father thank you for your mercy and grace in our lives that allows us to go to sleep at night and wake in the morning, that allows us to choose the righteous path verses an evil one. Father thank you for being sovereign over all things that may come our way, help us to rest in that as we walk each day and if we forget remind us Father. I lay my burdens at the foot of the cross as I trust you are in control. In Jesus Name Amen.

May the Holy Spirit Guide and protect you and those you love, as we journey towards home!

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