12/09/2013

Dear Father,

Thank you for the hope in knowing that you are sovereign in the good times and in the bad times. Thank you for never leaving me even when I wonder a stray.

Father forgive me as I loose site of you sometimes and focus in on all that I am going through and fall from the peace you have for me as I wonder from your security and arms.

Father I know you came to me in the beginning when I first injured my arm and assured me not to worry that this is all part of your plan for my life as you were going to move me and this was part of that. I fell from that yesterday as I processed all that the Specialist in New Westminster had told me and my mind was getting stuck on two pieces of information he gave me that were free of any grey area. One, My injury to my arm was irreversible, there was no surgery or magic cure as he put it that would make it better. Two, I would never be able to go back to the field of work in which I  was hired for at my job. I know you reassured me on the way home to trust you and reminded me of your words to me in the beginning, that you had purpose in this.

Father when I told my work yesterday of the final definitive answer from the specialist, my boss asked whats next to the HR person and he said well most likely the will deem me permanently disabled, Father my mind hadn't put that thought into reality till that moment and it hit hard.

I was now faced with the reality that I would never get the full function of my arm back and this would always be with me. I walked away from that meeting processing the reality and during coffee I told two of my coworkers that I would not be returning to my job, and the anger stage of grieving my arm not ever being the same again started creeping out.

 I had noticed that I had missed a call on my cell phone so I called it back, it was my Aunt from Maple Ridge, she is such a close family friend we call her our Aunt. She gave me my mom as she was at the hospital. My mom informed me that she was coming home, three days after her Hip replacement surgery.

I started to crack under all that I was needing to process, as I knew there was no way I could assist my Mom with my arm in the condition it is in and my left arm, the uninjured arm was feeling very week. I knew my Son, the only other person in the house, was limited on the help he could give her, as his patience can be low and frustration high do to his Autism/ADHD. I was processing all the info that my Mom wouldn't have the level of care she needed if they sent her home and I had already from the day of her surgery on voiced my concerns with the hospital and felt no one was listening.  Father I had started loosing sight of you and your sovereignty over all things and that no matter what was to happen you are in control.

I left work early Wednesday, as from all the driving I had done the day before while I got lost going to my specialist appointment meant allot of turning around and this took the use of two arms, and my arm is in intense pain from it.

Well today I woke up in intense pain as on the way back walking home from the hospital, my arm popped again. I had to make the decision whether I was going to go to work or stay home and as the pain radiated up my arm I chose to stay home. I tried sleeping it off but that wasn't happening as my mind would not shut down.

I knew I had till 5 pm to pick up Mom, as that is the arrangement I had made with the hospital the day before, as I thought I would be at work.

Just before 11 am I decided I had to try to get what we needed from Walmart before I had to get Mom, so off I went. While I was driving back I could not shut my mind down as it was trying to process everything that was happening in the last couple of days and how this was going to work bringing Mom home, where I was unable to care for her. I decided not to delay it because with the pain I was in and my mind going on tangents, I would be way past dealing with it, so I headed to the hospital to pick her up.

I went to find someone to let them know I was early and was there to pick her up. I spoke to a lady and when I looked down it was the social worker I had tried to connect with the day before.

She started talking to me and asking me questions that lead to my miss trust of the Medical System and how I was concerned that once we left we would once again be on our own without any support if anything went wrong. She ended up getting me to dump the baggage I thought I had already let go of on the table as she asked questions and I was made to relive our nightmare as the PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder) started to take over , as I felt all the emotions come flooding back in and I was already fighting the effects of the depression I was starting to feel, as I grieved from the news that my arm was not going to heal. I was feeling like I was drowning as the water rose and I lost sight of you  Jesus. Mathew 14:27-33  I was loosing my ability to focus and remember things, to the point I left my purse in the social workers office and she had locked her door and went for lunch and I was told it could take up to an hour for her to come back. I was now feeling trapped in a place I did not want to be and I started feeling agitated. Thank fully some one had the spare key  and we could go......

Father help me win the war in my mind as I fight the lies that want to tare me down and destroy me as we walk through this valley........ A Sister in Christ told me I might be dealing with a Jezebel spirit......

I have to say I have been faced with this spirit a few times and I fought the battle as I don't tolerate it's lies and destruction. I submerge myself in God's Truth for my life through his living word. 

I am exhaust now from fighting the war inside my head and I must say goodnight, as my eyes try to force themselves closed. Ok I just nodded off, I hope what I have written is not as scrambled as my brain feels like right now..... 

07/09/2013

Dear Father,

Thank you for your sovereignty over all things and for refining my faith. I would not be here if it wasn't for your continued grace in my life. Thank you for the ups and the downs in my life as they shape me.

Father I ask for your forgiveness, as I continue to stumble into the ways of this world.

Father, as this week is to begin, my mother goes for hip surgery and life as we know it changes for a while. My mother has always made sure that she has cared for our daily needs as this was what she needed to do for herself. We had all stepped back and let her take control of that part of her life she could since she had breast cancer and lost the ability to do allot of the things she took as her independence, and none of us could do as well as she could. We come to facing the next weeks and month's as my mom becomes dependent on us to care for her and do many of the things she once did, please help us to do this to the best we are able and help my mom extend grace where needed, as we know we can't do it as good as she likes, also help us extend grace with her as she faces the frustrations that are bound to come.

Father I come to you as this week's past I have been faced with thoughts that I have not had for so long. I found end of the week before last and this past weekend, thinking about relationships as for some reason my mom and I started talking about them. I had mentioned to her that one thing I missed from being in a relationship was being touched and as I said to her I am not talking sex. I am talking that feeling you get when some one holds you in their arms, a simple act but means so much. Well that started off a world wind of thoughts as I started thinking about guys again and what I would like in a guy, as I ask myself what's up with this as I have been single for 20 yrs. and these thoughts I thought were gone years ago. I thought I would love to be in a relationship with a Guy who is Christ centered and is visibly showing the fruits of the spirit Galatians 5:22-23.

I ask myself is it biblical for me to get into a relationship again, as I am divorced? I know God released me from the soul ties (Genesis 2:24) of my past relationships, but is it biblical for me to think about dating? These are questions I do not have the answers to. I know that when my husband left me and moved to Alberta, when I called him a woman answered, and I know he told me that he had been in a relationship, does that make a difference? I find I at this point have more questions then I have answers Father, I ask for your wisdom in this and if it is your will for me to walk down this path that you light it up so I know it is your will!!

Father I keep on hearing your call for my life but I can't believe that someone like me can fill that role. Father please send me someone like Timothy had in Paul ( Timothy ), someone to help teach me and guide me in your ways. Father help me to listen to the Holy Spirit that you left to guide me ( John 16:1-12 )

Thank you Father for our Pastorate BQ at the home of a wonderful couple, with a group of people who are so caring! Thank you for seeing Kat again and the connection I have made with her, a connection that I feel I can talk freely about what you have shown me,  and she so understands what I am speaking about and contributes such insight.

Father I lift the ministry of Global Shore up to you and those with in the ministry, guide them protect them and fill them with your truths for their lives and the Holy Spirit. Father they accepted the thought of starting a second school in Guatemala 4 hrs. away from the one in El Tizate , Father if it is your will allow all the pieces to fall into place, they also looking forward would like to start a career college for Teachers, they can't as the rules state now, but we know this isn't an impossible  task for you, let your will be done.

Father I ask for your covering of the blood of Jesus for little Brayan and all the students at the school and their families. Father heal the brokenness in this community and cut away with the sword of the spirit anything that is not of you and return it to the pit of hell to never return, but in all things let your will be done.

Father I lift my family and friends up to you, Father you know what each one of them are facing, flood them with your peace beyond understanding and comfort them in their time of need, fill them with your Holy Spirit on a daily bases. Cut away with the sword of the spirit anything that is not of you and give them a great hunger for your word and truth in their lives.

Father,  I lift the people of this world up to you in prayer, you know what they are facing, you know each one of them by name. Father let your will be done in our lives, flood us with your love, mercy, peace, hope, joy, & grace. Fill us with your holy spirit on a daily basis. Place a hedge of protection around us & cover us with the blood of Jesus. Father if they do not know you draw them close so they can see you. Remove all barriers that would stand in their way to knowing you. Father transform us & help our eyes stay fixed on Jesus.

Father I ask you to consume me , break me and transform me daily, so that all that is left is you in my life. Father forgive me of the things in my life that are not pleasing to you and cut away with the sword of the spirit any branch in my life that doesn't bare fruit. Father if it is your will place your healing hand on my broken body and heal it Father.

I pray this through the Holy Spirit, In the name of Jesus, Amen!

Where Do I Start?

Dear Father,

Where do I start it has been so long since I have written you and much has happened and I have so much to be thankful to you for!!

I went for my bone scan and it showed something, but not a significant cause of what was happening in my arm, as I continue to deal with the injury too it. I am so thankful though that when I was at work a bit a go I heard a loud pop in my arm. I was instantly able to close my hand and hold on to things again and was like a kid with a new toy as the feeling of weakness felt gone.

My arm continues to pop in and out, but I am so thankful for the moments it is in. I am also so thankful for your presence while I went for my bone scan and getting me through the appointment. I say very convenient that the original appointment was cancelled for the Sat, as all their machines broke down at once. I was so blessed the Monday when I received a call to get over to the bone scan immediately as they had rescheduled me, not giving my emotions enough time to run through the worries of how I was going to face the hospital, as I had no time to think before it was already done, over and I was leaving. Thank You Father.

Father I prayed to you that if it was your will I could be able to go see Jars of Clay at the Agrifair in Abbotsford, BC, Canada. I had found out I couldn't enter to win through the radio station, as my work was a sponsor and I thought all chances were gone. I had a coworker at work tell me that she would try to make sure I got tickets. My work ended up getting passes to the Agrifair, Early entry to the concert and meet and greet with Jars of Clay. I was asked to put up a sign in our three buildings, by the time clocks and in the lunch rooms and to be sure to put my name on. I have to say I was so blessed to receive the ability to not just go to the concert but to meet Jars of Clay.

Father, I face many health challenges but always feel your ever presence through them filling me with your peace and comfort. I know I may have been cast a lot of suffering but I also know you are always there to comfort me and get me through, I never walk this alone! 

Father I can see your healing in my life as you take me through these trials, showing me how far you have brought me since I surrendered control to you! I have sat in this last little while in an emergency department that I held so much anger for, with medical issues that in the past I would be sitting in great fear and anxiety, I lay there two days in a row filled with your peace beyond understanding. I have to say though it confuses the medical staff when you are in your arms, filled with your peace, as they think you are faking your medical issues, because that peace is unnatural in their eyes in that circumstance. I rest on the knowledge that you are the great physician.

I see you moving in my life Father as I have experiences things  that I would not have if it wasn't for you opening doors and putting all the pieces into place. Through this injury I have been able to connect and get to know so many more people at work, as I have worked with the receptionists, next to the parts staff, the marketing staff and now with the administrative staff. Giving me the chance to get to know some wonderful people and remind me of all the skills you have aloud me to acquire over the years and re ignite the drive to push forward and at the same time be still and know you are God, as everything that is happening is not of my making, but of yours and I Thank you for that.

I thank you for providing for me to start Theology Classes this Fall, that run for two years and is only the cost of the textbook. Father let this be teaching from you, give me discernment and allow what ever is not of you to not take place in my thoughts or my heart.

Thank you for the opportunity to be invited to take a watercolor course for free, as this is something I always wanted to do again.

 Thank you for providing for the Beth Moore Simulcast coming up, only allow the things that are pleasing to you take root in my heart and soul.

Father I continue to pray for the people of this world, as well as my family,  friends and Brayan and his family, you know what each one of them are facing, you know them by name, you knew them before they were formed in their mothers womb. Father I ask that you soften their hearts, remove the scales from their eyes so that they can see your truth for them and how much you love them. Father fill them with your Holy Spirit on a daily bases and cut away with the sword of the spirit, anything that is not of you! Guard us Father, protect us from the one who would rather see us fall away from you, forgive us Father for the things we do that don't glorify you.

Father I pray for you to comfort me Mom as she prepares for hip surgery a week today.

Father I ask you to take my life as a living sacrifice, consume me, break me and transform me till all that is left is you. Father I ask for your forgiveness and ask that you take me to the river and wash away my sin so that I am white as snow in your sight.

I pray all of this with your will to be done above all, In Jesus Name Amen.