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Thursday, September 12, 2013


Dear Father,

Thank you for the hope in knowing that you are sovereign in the good times and in the bad times. Thank you for never leaving me even when I wonder a stray.

Father forgive me as I loose site of you sometimes and focus in on all that I am going through and fall from the peace you have for me as I wonder from your security and arms.

Father I know you came to me in the beginning when I first injured my arm and assured me not to worry that this is all part of your plan for my life as you were going to move me and this was part of that. I fell from that yesterday as I processed all that the Specialist in New Westminster had told me and my mind was getting stuck on two pieces of information he gave me that were free of any grey area. One, My injury to my arm was irreversible, there was no surgery or magic cure as he put it that would make it better. Two, I would never be able to go back to the field of work in which I  was hired for at my job. I know you reassured me on the way home to trust you and reminded me of your words to me in the beginning, that you had purpose in this.

Father when I told my work yesterday of the final definitive answer from the specialist, my boss asked whats next to the HR person and he said well most likely the will deem me permanently disabled, Father my mind hadn't put that thought into reality till that moment and it hit hard.

I was now faced with the reality that I would never get the full function of my arm back and this would always be with me. I walked away from that meeting processing the reality and during coffee I told two of my coworkers that I would not be returning to my job, and the anger stage of grieving my arm not ever being the same again started creeping out.

 I had noticed that I had missed a call on my cell phone so I called it back, it was my Aunt from Maple Ridge, she is such a close family friend we call her our Aunt. She gave me my mom as she was at the hospital. My mom informed me that she was coming home, three days after her Hip replacement surgery.

I started to crack under all that I was needing to process, as I knew there was no way I could assist my Mom with my arm in the condition it is in and my left arm, the uninjured arm was feeling very week. I knew my Son, the only other person in the house, was limited on the help he could give her, as his patience can be low and frustration high do to his Autism/ADHD. I was processing all the info that my Mom wouldn't have the level of care she needed if they sent her home and I had already from the day of her surgery on voiced my concerns with the hospital and felt no one was listening.  Father I had started loosing sight of you and your sovereignty over all things and that no matter what was to happen you are in control.

I left work early Wednesday, as from all the driving I had done the day before while I got lost going to my specialist appointment meant allot of turning around and this took the use of two arms, and my arm is in intense pain from it.

Well today I woke up in intense pain as on the way back walking home from the hospital, my arm popped again. I had to make the decision whether I was going to go to work or stay home and as the pain radiated up my arm I chose to stay home. I tried sleeping it off but that wasn't happening as my mind would not shut down.

I knew I had till 5 pm to pick up Mom, as that is the arrangement I had made with the hospital the day before, as I thought I would be at work.

Just before 11 am I decided I had to try to get what we needed from Walmart before I had to get Mom, so off I went. While I was driving back I could not shut my mind down as it was trying to process everything that was happening in the last couple of days and how this was going to work bringing Mom home, where I was unable to care for her. I decided not to delay it because with the pain I was in and my mind going on tangents, I would be way past dealing with it, so I headed to the hospital to pick her up.

I went to find someone to let them know I was early and was there to pick her up. I spoke to a lady and when I looked down it was the social worker I had tried to connect with the day before.

She started talking to me and asking me questions that lead to my miss trust of the Medical System and how I was concerned that once we left we would once again be on our own without any support if anything went wrong. She ended up getting me to dump the baggage I thought I had already let go of on the table as she asked questions and I was made to relive our nightmare as the PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder) started to take over , as I felt all the emotions come flooding back in and I was already fighting the effects of the depression I was starting to feel, as I grieved from the news that my arm was not going to heal. I was feeling like I was drowning as the water rose and I lost sight of you  Jesus. Mathew 14:27-33  I was loosing my ability to focus and remember things, to the point I left my purse in the social workers office and she had locked her door and went for lunch and I was told it could take up to an hour for her to come back. I was now feeling trapped in a place I did not want to be and I started feeling agitated. Thank fully some one had the spare key  and we could go......

Father help me win the war in my mind as I fight the lies that want to tare me down and destroy me as we walk through this valley........ A Sister in Christ told me I might be dealing with a Jezebel spirit......

I have to say I have been faced with this spirit a few times and I fought the battle as I don't tolerate it's lies and destruction. I submerge myself in God's Truth for my life through his living word. 

I am exhaust now from fighting the war inside my head and I must say goodnight, as my eyes try to force themselves closed. Ok I just nodded off, I hope what I have written is not as scrambled as my brain feels like right now..... 

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