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Monday, October 7, 2013

A Week Full of Ups, Down's and God

Well this week has been so full of ups, downs, emotions and most of all God's presence, that was so felt.  I just sit in awe when I think of where I began and how far he has brought me.

 I came to him broken into many pieces and he carefully and lovingly picked up every broken piece and placed them in his hands. He has taken those pieces and started to put them back together, one at a time. I am starting to see me for the first time, as he restores me. He has not left any small piece undone. He has been showing me some of those small details this week and has brought me to reflection.

I had been off work for a couple of week's because of my arm as the pain had become intense, to the point of nausea, and my left arm was starting to feel the strain, as it is not yet strong enough to take all that my right could do. I had called Work Safe BC and left several messages. I was trying to ask them if I could get Physio to help me to cont. on my light duties until we figured out the next step. I heard nothing from them.

I received a call, as I was stepping out of the shower, that my Mom said was important. I had asked my Mom to ask them if I could call them  back, but she shoved me the phone. I answered it, it was Work Safe BC. I soon would be treated aggressively well being intimidated and threatened that if I did not return to work tomorrow, last Wednesday, they would be no longer be in the position to cover my wage loss. I was given the impression from the worker that he was accusing me of scamming.

I had already been fighting the lies of depression that were running through my thoughts, like nobody believes me because it isn't a visible injury. I started to break down on the phone and that would only grow. I was begging God to just take me home I didn't want to have to face another battle in my life. I didn't have the strength....

I was faced with the reality that some how I would have to get to work without driving, as that was no longer an option and as far as I knew there was no close bus stop. Would I find myself walking?

I had Pastorate that night, but I really didn't feel I would be good company, as I was a mess and didn't think I would have the strength to put on a good front. I had earlier asked a couple at the Pastorate if I could walk to their place and catch a ride, since after a wake up call I now longer drive as it is not safe do to my arm, they said yes. I emailed them back and apologized for wasting their time and I explained that I wouldn't be going because I wasn't good company. They asked why, was I not feeling well? I explained the call from Work Safe and how I was feeling.

My son told me " You know mom they are going to contact you back and tell you that your going!!" Sure enough moments later came the email, that they would be picking me up in 45 min. I got ready fighting the thoughts in my head all the way. I had been feeling quite isolated and alone in this and wanting someone to fight for me like I had so many times for those I loved, but as always I felt on my own.

They came to pick me up and off to pastorate we went. We arrived and I would soon find out that many of us are fighting battles right now and the support of each other was a well needed time.

God had brought me to a place what I was experiencing inside I was able to put words to and share with those in the pastorate, as well as let some of why I do things and the reason behind why I do them by sharing with them some of my painful memories of my past. God had great purpose in me being there, as I type much about my wounds and brokenness but rarely speak about them. I have to say there is a freeing that happens when you speak, rather then type....

Well the Pastorate was coming to a close and one of my Sisters in Christ came up to me and asked if she could give me a ride to work and moments later another Sister in Christ asked if she could pick me up.

I was soon coming to the realization that it wasn't just Work Safe giving me no option but to go to work, but it was God as he was setting everything up so there was no reason I could not get to work.

I went to work with the advice of a friend and the Pastor of Care at my Church and explained to the HR person that I was reporting to work do to the ultimatum by Work Safe threatening to remove my financial support if I didn't return to work on Wednesday, even though the Dr. agreed there was no way I could.

I went back to working with Accounts Receivable, as that was where I had been doing my light duties at work. I have to say I love working in that department, doing that type of work with a great group of people. I do get accused of being to quiet, as I find myself hyper-focusing on what I am doing.

I would soon feel my left arm elbow tweaking in pain as it is not strong enough to take the work load my right normally would, the reason why I wanted rehab for it to so that it could be strengthened and trained to replace my right.

I knew I needed to get that Specialist Letter to Work Safe and my Doctor, as soon as possible and the day before I had called back and forth between the Specialist and my General Practitioner trying to get the fax through with no success.

I went to the HR person to ask permission to use company time to phone the Specialist to get them to send the letter by snail mail, the HR person suggested to get them to try to fax it again. I had a light bulb go off, this was why I had to be at work, as I could get them to fax it to my work, giving me a copy of the letter. I called they faxed it and I now had a copy of the letter.

I asked the HR person if it would be ok if I came in late Thursday so that I could take a copy of the letter to the Work Safe office in person so they could not say they didn't get it & the Doctor, he said yes.

I have to say that took the pressure off of how I was going to follow through with this and how I was going to get from Systematic Theology Class, that is on Thursday mornings from 6 am - 7 am, to work for 8 am, as I was no longer driving.

I worked the whole day forcing myself to do everything with my left arm, as much as possible, but I found out that I needed to find a balance as my right arm was in pain and getting worse if I used it, but I would experience the same if I kept it completely stationary and by noon the pain had hit the nauseous state and I found myself taking lots of bathroom breaks as I tried to fight the feeling. I made it through the day though.

Thursday morning came, I got ready for the day and waited for my ride, a wonderful lady who had seen me walk the first day of classes and was also going to class and offered me a ride. I had asked her if it was ok if I only caught a part way with her instead driving me all the way home as I needed to take a letter to Work Safe, so that I could get a copy of the letter with WS date stamp on it. She said no problem she would drive me, what a blessing.

Theology class ended  and we went to work safe to find out they did not open until 8:30 am we were over 30 min early. She invited me to her place for coffee until they opened, this gave us time to get to talk and get to know each other.

She dropped me back at the office and I thanked her, I was a few minutes early and a lady came to the door and said it was to cold for me to wait outside, so she let me in. I handed them the letter and received my date stamped copy, now off to walk to the Doctors, as I went to get them a copy.

I arrived at the office to find the sign saying they were not open unit 10 am and it was just before 9 am, there was no way I was going to make it to work before noon so I called work and left a message to that fact. I was standing there waiting when a girl came out and said it was to cold to wait outside it was now around 9 am.

I left the office and as I was walking pass the attached grocery store I ran into someone from church, we said our hi's and good byes and off to the bus stop I went to figure out what bus to catch for work. I stood and waited and then waited for the bus to arrive when a mini van stopped and said get in, it was the person from church, she said she would drive me to work, what a blessing!

I soon came to the realization that God did not only orchestrate the day before, but he was placing all the pieces together that morning. I had so much joy fill my heart as I went from not wanting to do this anymore, to not being able to wait and see what God was going to do next, as his presence was very evident the last couple of days.

My day came to an end and I was had gotten myself into the position of not knowing if the Sister in Christ, who had picked me up the day before had the intentions of picking me up that day, I was ok if she didn't but I didn't want to leave in case she showed up after I had left. I didn't want to ask because I didn't want her to feel that she had to and I didn't want to impose and I was fine with walking home because it was a beautiful day for a walk. I finally text her, but there was no reply, the time came and went that she had picked me up the day before so I thought it was safe now to walk.

I walked home and with a few photo stops I was home almost exactly 2 hr later, so I now knew how long it would take to get to work. Yes some think I am nuts, but I am a walker and always have been. I walked to work the next morning and found out it doesn't take you as long to walk in the dark, as there is no distractions.

I made it to the end of the day barely as I was struggling with the pain in my arm. I was thinking of the walk home when one of my friends in the office asked if I would like a ride because she had to go that way, I was so grateful and feeling so blessed. She was going to the mall next to my place so I told her I could walk the short distance home.

I called home to let them know I was at the mall and was on my way and my mom said to stay put she would get my son to take her to the mall in the wheel chair and they would meet me and we would have dinner at the mall.

They arrived and brought me my mail, I had received a cheque from Work Safe. I could finally pay off the money I borrowed for the mortgage payment and my loan. Mom also said the GST cheque was in as well.

We had dinner and then we went clothes shopping, for the first time in my life I have taken an interest in my appearance, as I finally I am finally free of the fear of being me and free to say I like something or not without the fear of offending someone with my opinion. I for the first time know what I like and I don't like apart from everyone else is thoughts.

I had finally went through my closet and removed all the clothes that were not me but I had kept not trying to hurt the feelings of those who gave me them. I hadn't really had any say in my clothes for years as it wasn't something I could justify spending time or money on as there was so many other priorities way above me buying clothes.

I remember shortly after what we went through in 2009  a beautiful Sister in Christ took me out shopping and I felt so lost as she asked me to pick out an outfit and shoes. I have to say it was painful trying to connect to the social aspect and the picking of shopping for clothes, as I was so lost in that element.

I have to say that wasn't a problem this weekend as my mind knew exactly what style it was looking for and the colours. I was even thinking of matching up necklace and earrings and a jacket sweater, if you have really known me for a long time you are most likely having your jaw drop right now as you witness a miracle!

I was at such peace with purchasing clothes for me, something I never feel unless God gives me his grace & peace. I can't tell you exactly why but it was like God was taking his daughter shopping, like there was a purpose in this, as it wasn't part of my normal. Everything I liked fit perfectly including shoes on both my feet, that never happens unless they are lace ups, because my feat are 2 size differences between them and EE width, shoes don't fit easy. I was also blessed with almost everything I got was on clearance or at least 50%. I now have a clothes closet that represents me and I got rid of all my depression clothes, you know those clothes that reinforce that I am ugly feeling.

I am finding because I am treating myself with respect and dignity, when I go out I am receiving respect and dignity from all those who I come in contact with, people actually look me in the eyes now instead of looking past me....

I also spent my weekend walking with my mom on her first trip without the wheel chair, as she traded it for her walker, but unfortunately she ran out of energy before we were able to get back home, as she over did it for her first outing as we walked to the grocery store. My Son was so kind to meet us at the mall we were almost back to with her wheel chair so he could push her the rest of the way home.

I take a moment to reflect over this last bit and I so see God in all of it. I just sit back in awe as I witness God putting together, one piece at a time, the broken pieces in my life. In 2009, he opened my eyes to my brokenness and how much sin it created in my life. He picked up every little broken peace in my life not leaving any piece, no matter how small, behind. I have seen him place some of those pieces back in place and binding them with his grace. He is still working on the rest of the pieces of my broken life one at a time. On Tuesday I realized that my arm is one of those pieces, as when He created me I came out of my mothers womb left handed, but because of this world I was never aloud to be that left handed person as it was not except able as there had to be something wrong with you and my Dad would slap my left hand any time I would use it. When I was at work this last week I found myself verbally slapping myself every time I went to use my right hand and by the end of the week I was now ledge ably writing numbers and letters. I was returning to how God created me.

Father I thank you for your sovereignty and the peace that comes in knowing that. Father thank you for giving me eyes to see your sovereignty in my life this last week and renewing my strength to persevere. Father I know so many that are suffering right now through illness or someone they love so dearly. Father please show them your sovereignty in their situation, fill them with your peace that transcends understanding and comfort. Father, if it is in your will I ask for a miraculous healing in their lives, that glorifies you. Father I also lift little Brayan up to you, please free him from the bondage of shyness and I pray for his parents to have a deep relationship with you and their salvation. I pray for the school in Guatemala that you give them into the possibility of opening up another school. Father if another school is in your will open the door wide open if not slam it shut tight.

Father I come to you as a living sacrifice. Father consume me, break me and transform me in your will. May my thoughts be your thoughts, my my spoken word be your word, may my actions be your actions and my path be your path. In Jesus Name Amen.

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