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Sunday, July 31, 2011

Bringing Me Back To Where The Seed Was Planted.

I woke up this morning thinking of the excitement of taking my daughter to church and sit through the service together for the first time in a very long time. We wouldn't be attending the church I attend as I think she is holding allot of fear about what people will think of her after what she went through in 2009. I am sure if she gave them a chance she would realize it isn't as bad as the enemy has lead her to believe.

We headed back to the church where I was brought to when my children were nursery/preschoolers. I found I was walking down memory lane to a time long long ago. I had not been living long in town with my two babies shortly after my husband had left us and I moved back closer to family. I was overwhelmed as the reality of being single with two babies that liked opposite shifts in sleeping. I had boxes to the ceiling in our living space as I was finding it difficult in a two level house to care for my children and unpack a house by myself for the first time. I had never actually ever moved into a place before on my own I had always done it with family, boyfriend or husband. I was entering new everything. I was exhausted and burning out fast.

I had moved into a low cost housing townhouse complex and slowly got to know my neighbors. One of my neighbors was a lady older than me and a grandma. She told me and a couple of my new friends about a thing called Coffee Connections it was a place where woman got together, she said it was at a church called Central Heights. I didn't want anything to do with a church because I didn't believe in all this bunk as I was raised in a church when I was younger before my dad got sick and the church turned their backs on us. How could there be a God who would let all this happen, No way was I going to a Church. She said hold it a minute there is free daycare for a couple of hours every Wednesday morning, if anything else. I was exhausted and I figured what a safe way to get some down time so I had the energy to keep up with my children, I was sold!

I went that first Wednesday with a hardened heart that had already lined up a bunch of questions to confront them with as I felt I would be backed into a corner with their preaching.  I think I was trying to push all their buttons, as I had allot of anger and contempt for God at this point in my life.

I would bring up each question thinking I would get a rise out of them but instead I was met with love and compassion. I was confused how could they be this way I am attacking the core of their beliefs, they should be getting defensive, instead God was answering all my questions. Every week it was like God was taking one brick after another off the wall that was around my heart.

I eventually started taking advantage of the Sunday services because what harm could it do and more free daycare with people my children knew. I stepped into the worship centre and it had a lower level and then a Balcony that wrapped around . The children stayed for the first part of the singing and then went off, so I went up to the very top of the balcony where no one would notice me. I did this for weeks & months. I started to hear the call to ask Jesus into your life and if you wanted a relationship just repeat the prayer. I started to over and over again, I didn't tell anyone because I was ashamed to admit I was wrong and that I needed Jesus.

I ended up one Sept. with my three new friends to a small group break of at Coffee Connections we were studying a book called "Learning to Tell Myself the Truth" God used this study to show me the truth and help me break free of the lies in my life that were keeping my oppressed.

I went to Sunday service and noticed all these people singing with their arms raised and I thought to myself how weird you will never catch me doing that, never say never as I can't stop raising my arms in praise for my Savior when I sing.

I cont. for a number of years ant coffee connection and during that time I was constantly being put on the spot to pray out loud and I held my ground there was no way you were going to hear me pray out loud , no way at all.

I remember the very first time I prayed out loud it was after I had pulled into the parking lot of the church, in 2009, as my daughter had just passed out after a very scary experience, my first experience with demonic spiritual warfare and for some reason my daughter became unconscious as soon as we were on Church property. My son was in the youth centre, so I phoned him and told him to get the Pastor or his assistant I needed to speak with them. After I spoke with them on the phone the youth Pastor came out with two other people one was an Elder of the church and the other person was a lady who was a prayer warrior. I was asked to lead the prayer and I told them I didn't know how and they encouraged me to just pray as I felt lead.  I found myself in the dark with people I had just met for the first time praying for my daughters life. I started praying and words started coming and I knew this was of the Holy Spirit. I was encouraged by them that I was fine praying out loud. Prayer became a life line for me and every opportunity I had been given I joined the church in prayer. I was no longer able to hide from praying out loud and as time went by it has become easier and easier. I guess what I am trying to say is never say never especially when you are talking God.

I can say God has brought me along way from that heart that was so hardened by the scars that had formed around it. God has transformed those scars as he has healed the pains that my heart had to endure. He has taken those scars and turned them into a testimony of his love and great power, mercy and grace.

Mathew 18:11-14

I thought today I was taking my daughter to find a church she could connect to, instead God was taking me back to where this journey started. I sat in the service listening to all that he has taught me this last couple of years about loving Jesus. I sat there with God prodding me to speak with the pastor once the service was over and I would soon realize God was wanting me to testify how this church was where God had planted the seed in my heart and how far he has brought me. I was left the impression by the pastor that this was what the church was needing to hear and in Gods perfect plan they were told.

Thank you Jesus for your care to remove all the scars from my heart and not leaving me to wonder as a lost sheep. Thank you for the people you put in my path that planted that seed over 15yrs. ago., Thank you for the opportunity to share how their service to you lead to my relationship with you. I Praise you God on most High!! In Jesus Name Amen.

Thursday, July 28, 2011

Well It Has Been over Two Months

Well it has been over two months since I was let go of my job and God put me in a place of waiting.

 I have only received one week of EI($285.00), I had thought they had put me on sick leave but it was only for one week as aloud for regular EI benefits. God has still been taking what we have and has been making it stretch to meet our needs much like the story in the bible in Mathew 14:13-21. Our bills are still being payed and our plates are filled with food with no need to go anywhere to get help. I laugh at the irony of this all because when I was working full time we struggled from paycheck to paycheck not knowing if we could make it. I only draw one conclusion it is better to depend on God to supply your needs than to depend on the world.

God has still has my heart filled with the need for Kenya. My heart ached today hearing more about the suffering they are experiencing from the famine in Africa. I so pray for a Miracle that will release me from the morgtgage that I am stuck in for the next 3yrs, with my Mom so the house can be sold and my Mom can find a place she can afford on her own. I Pray for my children to transition smoothly into their new adult lives to total Independence so I don't feel like I am abandoning them. God I am Praying for a Miracle!! I Pray he opens up all the doors and removes all the mountains & Strongholds in my life so I can go where I feel God is calling me. I was asked the other day what excites me to go? My answer has to be to be in a place in total dependency on God for every aspect of my life. I want to go out and share the comfort Jesus has given me in the times of trouble. God keeps on bringing me to two verses 1Peter 1:6-7 and 2 Corinthians 1:3-11 I feel this is the plans he has for me as I value people far more than Gold and Lord tells us in scripture "For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11

Father thank you for your word that allows us to know you better. Thank you for being my teacher as you make the scripture come alive in my life as you draw me closer.  Father I am petitioning you for a Miracle that will set me free to follow you & serve where you want me to serve. In Jesus Name Amen.

Sunday, July 24, 2011

God's Calling Growing Stronger

Yesterday my heart was reignited, with a flame in my heart that has never really gone out. Everywhere I turned yesterday I was faced with the fire being stocked with more fuel to make it burn inside me even more than it had ever been before.

Every where I turned yesterday I ran into the words, Africa and Kenya, even in the book I was reading "Free To Be Me" by Betty Robinson. I feel God was bringing me back to where he needed me to be with new lessons learned.

God used the message at Church today to give me an unquenchable thirst, that can only be satisfied by following him where he wants me to go.

The Call to Kenya is even stronger now than it was before. I have an ache in my heart for Kenya, a place that I have never been and didn't know existed until God placed it on my heart and I Googled it. The ache is as strong as the one that was in my heart after the dream I had about my sister passing, it is that strong. I feel if everything was possible I would have been on the next plain to Kenya today.
I got home from Church today and all over Facebook was the Cry for help because of a famine that is driving people to camps on the borders of Ethiopia, Somalia & Kenya. Oh God here my cry's as I want to go help in these camps and bring hope into a place where there is great suffering and turmoil.

God has told me that he has some mountains yet to move in my life and Strongholds to break. I understand now that these will not be of my works, they will be of God's power, mercy & grace. God is creating a firm foundation in my life before he takes me where he needs me to be.

The Mountains I see needing moved are:
- a mortgage that can't be touched for three years that I am responsible to share with my mother
-no passport, no means to get one
-the means and support to go to Kenya

The Strong Holds:
-my need to have both my children in their own independent adult lives
-my need not to hurt my mother by leaving her behind & alone
-my sense of responsibility to care for every family members wants and dependency on me

I feel these are quite large and only through prayer and petition will the mountains be moved & the strongholds be broken. Please Pray!

God has already removed one stronghold and that was my dependency on the worldly things for support. He has put me in a place of learning to be patient and wait on him.

Mathew 16:24-25
Luke 9:22-24

Jesus you are my Rock and my Fortress, through you all things are possible. I ask you to petition on my behalf for the mountains to be moved and the strongholds to be broken. Thank You Jesus!!, In Jesus Name Amen.

Remembering the Morning

I was out with my Mom approaching the door to a business, when my cell phone started ringing. I answered it was my brother in law unable to form a word as he was unable to speak through the tears. I asked him if it was my sister he grunted a noise referencing yes, I became overwhelmed in grief as I realized my sister was gone. I woke up realizing still filled with the full emotions of grief that it had all been a horrible dream.

I started screaming at my Mom to call my sister in a very loud gurgled half asleep crying. My Mom couldn't understand me and all I could do was keep screaming at her to phone my sister as I couldn't escape the pain of grief that had come over me. My Mom finally got what I was asking and called and there was no answer. My heart couldn't stop racing in fear, a million thoughts went racing through my head and none good as my Mom tried to reassure me it was ok they probably went out for breakfast. My Mom kept on coming up with reasons as I called and I called until over 6 hrs. had passed and we got home from running an errand and my Mom called one more time and finally had gotten a hold of them and we received the news that  my Sister was ok as ok can be. I felt like someone had finally took the weight of the world off my shoulders.

I never want to feel the way I felt this morning ever again, but reality is that day will come whether I want it to or not.

Father, you are my rock & my fortress, please strengthen me through the valley's so I can stand. I know Father you were most likely giving me a glimpse into what I will need to face when you call my sister hopefully to your Mansion. I know the enemy when fighting this war will attack our weakest spots, please protect us and those we love from any attacks from Satin & his demons. Give us the strength to face what you need us to face. In Jesus Name Amen.

Friday, July 22, 2011

A Bird in a Cage Looking in the Mirror with the Door Open.

Today through conversation the last couple of days I was faced with the reflection of the past.

I was brought back to a moment I always hoped was a memory of a child's imagination, but I always deep down new it was real as I shared it.  I found my father standing in our neighbors 10 acres on top of a very large rock that was like the size of a cliff. I was standing at the bottom looking up at him wondering what he was doing. I knew I was younger than seven because my parents were still together, but I really don't know how old I was. I saw my Father raise his arms reaching out to the sky, standing on the very edge and he started to speak. I heard him yell, "God take me!" I have tried for years to remember past that point with failure as the memories would not come. I was sitting eating lunch with my Mom and relational Aunt on Sunday. I don't know how we got on the conversation but I had mentioned that memory, I think deep inside me hoping my Mother would deny it ever happened, to my surprise she didn't instead she said I remember that as my Aunt sat with a stunned look on her face. We never talked about the horrors of the past but now they are coming out without restraint.

Today I was on the phone with the same Aunt and we were talking and the conversation turned to the conversation of alcohol & alcoholism  two familiar subjects to me as my Father suffered from Mental illness & alcoholism, not that he would admit to either.

I was brought back to a time where my favorite song was " How can you love me, when I don't love myself" by Anne Murray, by this time in my life I hated God for everything I thought he had put me through.

 I was just breaking up from my emotionally abusive boyfriend, I was around 20, and my family had showed up to help me move. I was a fan of alcohol back then as we use to always hang out at the bars or always had alcohol in the apartment, it was part of my life. We were moving thing out when a really good friend, or at least I thought, came up to me and asked me how could I screw this up so bad. I snapped and ran out of the apartment down to my car and grabbed the bran new 26oz of Tequila still in the paper bag out from under the drivers seat. I ran and I ran I had no idea what I was going to do I just knew I didn't want to live, I hated myself and my friend making that comment confirmed everything my mind was already telling itself. I was running the streets of PoCo in the dark of night with a bottle of Tequila & a $1,000.  cash from an ICBC(car accident) settlement. I was a lost soul not knowing what to do. I found myself sitting in a back alley behind the bar leaning against the cinder blocks, all I wanted to do was die. I cracked open the bottle of Tequila and proceeded to drink the whole bottle with in a half an hour. I through the bottle down to the ground and in that moment an image of my Father came flashing in my mind and the thought do really want to become the person he was. I know now that this was God speaking to my heart the only way I would listen. I stumbled to my feet and started running my options through my head. I could catch a bus with the money I had and go some where far, far away, but the bus stop was probably closed by this hour. I needed to go some where no one would find me. My boyfriend had brought me to a place they called Don's place, it was the local drug house in PoCo. I remember him saying if anyone wanted not to be found they could go there because no one would rat them out. I wasn't thinking clearly that night, I headed over to Don's place with a $1000. cash in my pocket. I knocked on the door, the door opened to the view of a well stripped home with everything you could imagine a drug house looking like. While I was explaining why I had come one of my boyfriends friends was calling him. He pulled up in his Mustang he called Betsy. I bolted and he chased me through the streets till he caught me. I had no more fight to run and I got back in his car. He apologized and told me it wouldn't happen again. I ended up living with him again and it was a back and forth thing until he had told me if I ever started smoking he would leave me and in my warped mind I had found the way out, I started smoking. He caught me smoking with a friend and he took the back of his hand up the side of my face, where a bruise soon  formed, that was it I finally got up the courage to leave for good.

I'm finding today I feel like a bird in a cage, that keeps looking in the mirror of the past and is stuck in the present with the door wide open on the cage. God has set me free but I am frozen in the present and in the routine I am in, could I be afraid. I  have slowly aloud everything that represents my identity & my independence away until I have lost it all.

Lord of all things, My God, My Father I am weak, I am broken and can't find the strength to stand my ground so I can walk with you without fear of hurting those I have given all of me too. I can't do this on my own Father I wait for you. In Jesus Name Amen.

Wednesday, July 20, 2011

Vigil, Prayer's and Remembering

Tonight, my Brother in Law came to the door. He was baring news I wasn't ready to hear. He went to the hospital to pick my sister up from her dialysis, that we had dropped her off earlier at, when he was told she had a heart attack and her heart had stopped for 30 seconds and they were about to resuscitate her when she came back. We sit, we wait & we pray as the next 24 to 48hrs are critical. My heart is telling me that her body has been slowly shutting down, does this mean her heart is next in line. I feel so numb as this becomes so surreal as the reality that my big sister at the age of 49 could be leaving us. How do you use the next 48 hrs. do you sleep while your sister clings onto life, I'm not thinking so.

I remember having this vigil once before, I believe I was 16/17. I had driven into town to visit my sister & her husband, she told me I should stay the night. I curled up on their couch and fell off to sleep. I woke up the next morning my brother in law had already left for work. He had given my sister her insulin before he left and had got her up for breakfast. I went looking for my sister, I walked into their bedroom to find my sister bug eyed laying, buck naked in her bed, she had gone back to sleep before getting her breakfast and was in insulin shock and was non responsive. I called my Mom because I had no clue what to do. She told me she would call me right back it was only moments but it felt forever. She called me and let me know she had called the emergency number and they were on there way and that I needed to go to the exterior door and wait for them. The Fire department came and tried to resuscitate my sister till the ambulance came to take her to the hospital, I road in the ambulance all the way to the hospital, I was so scared, was my sister going to die, what if I had just woken up sooner would she have been ok. We got to the hospital and they rushed her through some doors I was not aloud. I was all alone my family was an hour away from getting there. We were told that day that my sister had died for 30 min. before they were able to bring her back.

I learned that day how to wake up completely on the first ring of the telephone, because I feared it would be the dreaded call that something happened to my sister. I now live that reality again as the next call could be the one that tells me she is gone. The Irony of today is this is the One year anniversary of the passing of my Nana and now we wait for news of my Sister.

My Big Sister,
this picture was taken a year ago.

Father thank you for the knowledge of heaven, where we will come to sit at your table if we accept what your son Jesus Christ has done for us. Father I don't know if my sister has asked Jesus into her life and I fear not ever seeing her again. Father, Lord of all, I petition on behalf of my sister Lord that you come to her in a real way tonight and show her without a doubt, so she will commit herself to Jesus. Father she suffers in excruciating pain from the tips of her toes to the tip of her head, father release her from this pain and shower her with a peace beyond understanding. Father let her know that if it is her time to come to you that it is ok as we can't ask her to suffer anymore for our selfish reasons. In Jesus Name Amen.

Monday, July 18, 2011

May I Rest In The Shadow of My Fathers Arms

I find I don't know if right now my emotions are shutting down or if I am just being sheltered from them as if I had to deal with every thing at once I probably would break. Where should I start as many things are happening some very Good and some very horrible. I feel though we should start with the horrible so we leave with the Good fresh in our minds, a method of survival.

I was told tonight that my sister has been holding somethings back. My sister was told by the liver specialist that the reason why she experiences pain while eating is because the nerves in her stomach have died, I believe this is do to her system is shutting down. She is starting to show surfaces signs as the blackness in her skin gets farther & farther up her legs. I feel like I should break down and cry as I know the end is near but all I feel is numb. I know the feeling are there but I just can't access them right now and I fear that they could burst out at anytime and I won't be able to put a plug in it.

I am realizing after being faced with all the things I am trying to accomplish with the medical system,  being asked to talk about what happened and our service at Church on Sunday referencing to forgiveness, I am finding I am reliving the video tape in my head. I am finding no matter how much I say I forgive the Dr. involved and thinking I am fooling myself to believe it, I haven't deep down and I don't know if it will ever be possible. I run into people I saw during that time and all the emotions can come flooding out like a dam breaking without warning. How do you forgive something as horrific as what we went through?

I have found I have become emotionally involved in a case that is happening locally where a Single Father had his 9 year old daughter who has Autism removed by Ministry of Children & Family. I have been listening to what is being reported by the father & the mother of what MCF are saying & what is happening. I am only able to get the facts from one side as the Ministry is not speaking. I am infuriated by what I am hearing is happening to this family as it appears most is based on the identity of Autism and the circumstances  that are being reported by the family are the reasons for the removal, puts every family of a child with Autism at risk of loosing their child to the Ministry.  I am finding I am having to fight myself from getting more involved to find out both sides and compile the facts in the case and stating an argument at this point on the info, in favor of the father. I was infuriated at the lack of for thought to the future consequences to peoples actions. I am finding there are issues on both sides as the side for the father has some people crossing the line into harassment do to the heated emotions and if I learned anything in the 17 yrs. of raising my son emotions close doors and facts to support your argument gain you respect and someones ear. MCF's side I am hearing from the families Facebook page they have set up has just awarded the mother who doesn't live in the home the child was removed from has unofficial was awarded  1.5hrs supervised visitation a week. I do not feel this is in the best interest of the child as this would only be enough time to play with the atypical child's emotions, never mind a child with Autism, by dangling a parent in front of them for a brief moment in time just to rip them apart just to start again the next week. How is this benefiting the child?

I am being dragged back into my past by listening to what is going on, back to a time when I was little. I was being walked down a long ward in a hospital after the court had given my dad visitation rights. We reached my father, I was 7, my father started screaming hysterically at the nurses I couldn't understand why my daddy was telling the nurse that he didn't know me I was his little girl how can a daddy not know his little girl. I was dragged out of the hospital confused and crying not understanding. Thirty- five years later when I get brought back to that memory I can see it as if it was as clear as yesterday. I thank God that this is the only time I have to return to this and it reminds me of how far he has brought me from that time.

I am finding as I write this my emotions are starting to come to the surface will I be able to let them do what they need to do or will that automatic stopper shut them down one more time.

Time to switch to the positive things that are happening.

I have been accepted to the Festival in the Park, where I can introduce myself to the community and share the Gift God gave me of his photography & the testimony behind it.

I was requested by the producer of Family Talk with Dr. James Dobson to speak with her on the phone to give more detail of my story after writing a comment condensing how God was there for my family & me. I have been told if I ever had my testimony recorded they would like me to send them a copy and if I found myself sharing my testimony at church or some other way to please let them know. I pray that this is an opportunity to share the hope Jesus can give to those in their darkest hour as they walk through the valley.

I have also been asked for my help to assist in the writing of a private members bill, in regards to mandatory down time for our health care workers in Canada, for our federal parliament. I will be speaking by phone tomorrow afternoon and appreciate your prayers for God's will in this conversation. I have also been receiving positive emails back from both Federal & Provincial Government members. I don't think I have had one person say that it is bad, and I have only had few responses of you are not from my area or not federal but don't dis agree and only one stating it would be difficult to do under the recent health crisis, could God have given something that all can agree on.

Today I was able to visit someone I hadn't sat down with in a couple of years and it was great to hear what God was doing in her life & to share how far God has brought me since the last time we sat together, because back then I was not as free as I am now. She shared with me Isaiah 44:1-5.

Father through all things you work for your purpose and I thank you for the blessings & miracles you have preformed in my life. I thank you for the answers to prayer as I posted my needs awhile back and one of them was our roof and another was my Mom's shower that was cracked and I asked for only prayers as I was wanting this to be able to shine your glory. Our Shower was fixed by a Gentleman that would not take payment and told us to put it towards the roof and You gave us a gentleman who told us he would do the roof no matter what and we could pay him when we could, but you took it to witness to us all as the bill was payed in full only through your provision of caring for our needs. I was concerned about my daughter not qualifying for student loans but again it ended up it will be payed in full. Thank you Father for the greatest gift you could ever have given me a trust in you for everything setting me free. In Jesus Name Amen.

Friday, July 15, 2011

Assumptions, Arguments, Problems and Weeds

I found myself this last couple of days debating issues over Facebook.

I found myself debating the subject of bringing lawyers into an issue. Lawyers have their place but I believe we are now finding that people jump to Lawyers now before any other processes attempted. We ask why people won't admit there mistakes. People have asked me why I don't go after an apology from the people responsible for doing this to my child. I only have one answer there is no point because we live in a time that people are afraid to admit they have made a mistake for fear of it setting themselves up for having lawyers sicked on them and the cost this would result in. We live in a society that lives in fear of being sued if they admit to doing anything wrong.  I have been asked why don't you get a lawyer and make them pay for what they did to your family. I feel suing them will not take away what happened or what we went through. I feel if anything it will stop the ability to create change as it would put everyone's backs up.

I am approaching the source of the problem and like removing a weed from the garden I need to get to the root of the problem or it will just grow back. I have lodged a complaint with the Fraser Health Authority as I feel they should be given a chance to right the wrong and make changes that can be put in place to prevent this from happening to any other family. What we went through has already been written and can not be changed but I feel that the future is something that is unwritten yet and well worth fighting for and at least something good can come from something so bad. I have asked for:

  • the removal of a Dr.'s rights as I feel he is part of the root of the problem that if not removed will result in the problem growing back for another family.
  • for there to be put in place a better communication between first responders and Dr.'s as I have learned through my previous job writing up work orders for RV's that when writing something it can be clear to you but the person who reads it later it can be a different story. I found by the time the Dr. & Nurses saw my daughter what she had been going through was over and the only witnesses were the first responders, making them a critical part of my daughters treatment.
  • for mandatory down time for the health care workers as I felt this played a part in what we went through. I witnessed many visibly exhausted and visibly working past their human limitations Nurses & Dr.'s on multiple occasions. Have you ever worked an overtime shift working 12 plus hours in a row, if you have you had to of observe the effects on your decision making, this is a regular expectation on our health care providers and the time between their shifts can be very short. I have found studies that support the fact that there is a subsequent impairment that can effect critical thinking, reduce the ability for empathy and not allowing thinking past the train track you are on for thinking. 

I believe taking this route will create the greatest chance for change bettering the future for many.

I also have been debating the issue of assumption verses fact. I have a real problem when people make assumptions and speak on them before getting the facts and I have to make them aware of the flawed thinking and the painful consequences that can result. I have lived my life faced with lots of peoples assumptions as a divorced single parent of a child with Autism, but the most painful assumption that I have been faced with was the assumption put on my daughters & my characters as a system that was put in a place of trust made the assumption that I was an attention seeking parent with a temper tantrumming teen and the assumptions formed by those who were not witness to what we were going through. We were a victim of those assumptions and we went through great pain as we were continually facing those assumptions on a daily basis as we fought for my daughters and our families life back, the facts were not being acknowledged. The facts being  my daughters history:
  • showed no signs of a child who was acting out, through school or any other areas of her life.
  • she was a disciplined student who received low A's high B's and at the point this started had mor than enough credits to graduate.
  • she volunteered at the children's ministry at church and volunteered as a camp counselor during her summers.
  • she saw a need around her she did her best to help, she would hold doors open for people without being prompted.
  • she had a drive to attend University and was focused on doing everything she needed to do to get there, as she wants to become an elementary school teacher. She had no reason to want to muck that up.
  • she was found not to have ever had Asthma that she had been diagnosed with in grade 7 and was proven to have a vocal cord dysfunction and soon as this was known she was taught to exercise her vocal cords resulting in never having a breathing issue again.
  • she is extremely drug sensitive, Benydryl, Nasalcort, Penysil, Colace & some others cause her to go into antiphilactic shock, she gets hives from Reactine.
I feel their was no evidence of fact that would lead to the diagnoses of a temper tantuming teen, which would lead to the assumption that she was a child of a single parent with a brother with Autism, conclusion she is temper tantruming, this assumption has lead to great pain. I can not stress this enough that if you are going to draw a conclusion about a situation and verbalize it you need to be prepared to find out all the facts out first or risk creating deep pain and hardship for someone.

In James 3:1-12 it speaks about taming the tongue.

Father thank you for all that you have done for us. Help us react to situations out of love & truths, not out of judgments & assumptions. Help us to see what you see and fight injustices against the oppressed people. Let our arms and feet move where you want them to and speak what you want us to speak. Father it is impossible for us to tame our tongues with out you, please Father take hold so we don't become part of the problem. In Jesus Christ Name Amen.

Tuesday, July 12, 2011

Revisiting The Events And The Emotions

I heard back from the lady from Fraser Health after I emailed her with what I forgot. She felt she needed to go over in more detail the Journal of events as she felt it was more than she first thought. We went through day by day event by event.

I could feel the emotion swelling inside me feelings I thought I was passed, my adrenalin started pumping through my veins, it felt like reliving it all over again. I felt all the feelings of frustration, fear, helplessness, and anger come back to the surface as I relived the video tape in my head.

I remembered watching the fear in my daughters eyes as I knew there was nothing I could do to stop it, we would replay the tape over & over again with no time to breathe in between each moment, each day & each month as there was no sight of there being an end. I had no idea how I would make it, how could I watch it happen over and over again, this was my child I was suppose to be able to protect her but I couldn't. I have this picture that I thought I finally was free of in my head, a picture of my daughter after we had to restrain her, as she lived through the horror of seeing us all murdered in her mind not aware of our presence, do to the reaction to the prescription she was put on, the picture of the Police removing the handcuffs as she came out of the horror. My little girl on her knees begging the police to lock her up, begging them telling them that she was becoming a monster & she wanted them to lock her up before she hurt someone. I don't know if I will ever be free of this picture in my head. I don't know if I will ever be able to get past the emotions that come flooding back. I can only ask for God's Merci & Grace to cover me and for him to forgive me and free me from myself. I know In this I greatly rejoice, though now for a little while I may have had to suffer grief in all kinds of trials. These have come so that my faith—of greater worth than gold, which perishes even though refined by fire—may be proved genuine and may result in praise, glory and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed. 

Father I know all things I go through will refine my faith to be more valuable then Gold. Father thank you for comforting me in my times of trouble, help me Father to share the comfort you have given me for the salvation on comfort of your children that have strayed. Father you are our good Shepard and like a Shepard that has lost one sheep stray from the flock and leaves the flock to get it you love us so much that even if one of us strays you seek us until we are back with the flock. Thank you for being there, thank you for never giving up on me. Father help me to be a living sacrifice to show the world the love you have for them. Father take my will and replace it with yours, allow my arms & feet to only move when you want them to, take my lips & thoughts captive and let them only speak and think what you want them to. Please Father I don't want to loose my soul to this world may it forever be yours and be pleasing to you. In Jesus Christ Name Amen.

1 Peter 1:6,7
2 Corinthians 1:3-11

Monday, July 11, 2011

A Busy Few Days

 Friday, I ended up speaking with a lady from Fraser Health Patient Care, she is forwarding my complaint to Fraser Health & they have 30 days to respond to the complaint. She told me to call her back if I didn't hear back from them. She also gave me the phone # for a independent review board if I was not satisfied by their response. She asked me what I would like to see happen. I told her I wanted mandatory down time for health care workers, as well as a open line of communication between first res-ponders and Dr.'s as right now there is only a written report and as I have learned through my last employer written from the person who wrote it to the person who reads it later can be interpreted differently do to perspective. I got off the phone with her before I realized I had not mentioned one of the other important changes having the Dr. mainly responsible removed from seeing patience as I feel he has abused his place of trust, with control & intimidation. I quickly emailed her with that concern.  I left a message for the College of Physicians & Surgeons in regards to 2009 and all those 911 calls. I wait for their reply.

 I was excited because this is the day I would pick up my daughter from her first week and a half from volunteering at camp, I hadn't seen her in that whole time. She was so happy as she loves to spend time with the campers.

Saturday was a day of errands, my daughter getting all the stuff she would need for the upcoming camp week.

 My son & I went to church  Sunday morning as the Pastor spoke on another hot topic scripture Mark 11:12-20, I call it a hot topic because this is one of those convicting set of verses. You should be able to find it on Northview's website after Tuesday. I could never explain it the way our Pastor Jeff does.

We headed home to get my daughter ready to leave for camp, we truly pushed the time today. My daughter got upset & even more upset when she found out I had stretched out the amount of time I told her it would take. I knew if I said the right time we surely would have been late, we got there just in time to unload her stuff & get her to the staff meeting on time. We even had time on the way to stop for ice cream at the ice cream factory on the way, a summer tradition and this time my daughter treated us being she just got paid.

After dropping my daughter off, My Son & I stopped at a hiking trail by the lake called teapot. I was going to do this for the first time, my son had gone with school before. I have determined I am out of shape. My Son became a drill Sargent motivating me to keep going when I just felt like giving up & dying as I hyper ventilated, at least it felt like it. I have to confess I whined all the way up as my son kept on reminding me that you need to push the limits to make the limit grow. I hate it when he is so right. We eventually after walking or should I say hiking straight up for 1 hr & 15 min saw the treasure that no price can be put on the view of God's creation as we looked out over the lake & golf course. I started to forget the struggle it was to get up as the hard part was over.

I wonder if this is what God has to do with us as he knows what is ahead of us and the Joy that he has waiting for us. He sees us on the hike through life and there are spots in the path that we bare our heals in and say we can't cont.. We whine the hole way but God keeps pushing us forward through to the end so we can see his treasure for us. We didn't think we could make it to the other end but God knew we could. Once though we get to the other end and faced with the next climb do we forget the obstacles we have already over come with God getting us up the mountain in front of us or do we hold on to these memories of how God got us through and that he will get us up the next mountain we need to climb.

Mathew 17:20-21

Father thank you for ever being unchanging, thank you for never giving up on us even when we ourselves have given up. Thank you for continually taking us past our comfort zones so that we can lead a life pleasing to you. May your honour and glory shine through us everyday of our lives. Father I ask you to open my eyes so I can see what you want me to see, take my feet and move them to where you want them, stretch my arms out to do your good works you want me to do. soften my heart to those in need. Father take my life and make it yours. In Jesus Christ Name Amen.

Friday, July 8, 2011

Prayers Answered, Past Revisited & A Unexpected Contact

I am Praising God for answered prayer as my sister came home from the hospital and is feeling better. Praise God!!!

My Sister informed me that she heard the name of the Dr. who contributed to our nightmare during the over 60 calls to 911 being paged at the hospital. I was told in the past that he had been fired, now I am thinking that he was removed till they thought the dust settled, I don't know for sure. I can't let this Dr. do this to another family.

I looked up the contact info for the Fraser Health Authority and emailed them with the Journal of events of that 8 month period & explained my concerns. I received an Email back requesting for me to call them to be able to better address my concerns. I also have intentions to contacting the College of Physicians & Surgeons. I feel it is now time to deal with this. I had mentioned in my Email: "You may ask why I waited to do this, my response is that I was dealing with some raw emotions that I needed to deal with & I needed to support my daughter as she no longer trusts anyone from the health care field. I am working on trying to find a way to trust the system that I once trusted with my life & my families life and now question everything they have to say."

I also emailed Christy Clarke about a concern I have with EI, quote from my email to her "EI has recently put me on sick benefits do to this. I am thankful for this as seeking employment in the conventional way do to my unreliability at this time is not possible. I though have some good days and I am finding the way EI sick benefits is set up I can not plan for future employment options on my good days as programs are closed unless on regular benefits. I am concerned if I don’t use the good days it will play on my mental health and set me up for depression. I was wondering if this is something the government has thought of before as not all people fighting health issues are effected 24/7 and would it not be ideal to support them through training & support to use their good days to work towards employment for when the health issues are dealt with or to search for options that will work around the challenges they are facing." I had mentioned what we had gone through and attached a journal of that year, the same one I forwarded to Fraser Health.

Later on in the day while I was editing more photo's I received an email from the film crew, this was totally unexpected as I had thought they had written us off, apparently not. The directer is possibly coming on Wednesday to do the check back in to see how we are doing.

I have mixed feelings on this as I would like the opportunity to get our story out there and the opportunity it will give my photography, but I know longer trust how they will portray my family as they can cut and splice giving any spin they would like out to the public & being there was some conflict this is a real possibility. I pray that some decency & respect can be given by the film company towards my family as we have had our fair share of trauma and do not need any more.

I ask for your prayers over all of this, thank you!

God is called Sovereign Lord through out the Bible and when you look in the dictionary for the meaning of sovereign it gives one of the meanings is: having supreme rank, power, or authority.

I know Father you are our Sovereign Lord who has power & authority over all things. I come to you oh Lord  on my knees asking for your authority over all of this and if it is in your will protect us from the negative possibilities in all of this, but if this is what you need to help us grow give us the strength and peace to stay leaning on you rather than our understanding. Let your will be done. In Jesus Precious Name Amen.

Tuesday, July 5, 2011

Day Of Struggles And Celebrations.

Today was a much better day from yesterday for the most part.

Before I left for my first appointment of the day the roofers came, yeah we get a new roof, thank you Jesus!

I left for my first appointment of the day, the Carrier Counselor, I was to take him a sample of my photography. I was excited by his reaction, he was so pumped at my ideas and encouraged me to pursue them. I told him my only issue is the fact that I am learning you need money to make money in this world. I am bound and determined to prove that theory wrong.

I stopped by the Arts Counsel here in town to pay a $15. annual fee for membership and asked about some questions I had about the paperwork for the Festival they will be holding the end of Aug., I finished the forms & handed them to the lady who asked if I was leaving my photographs for the executor of the counsel to review for the festival application. I am totally walking by faith as I left her my package of photo's and I have absolutely no idea how I am going to be able to afford to put together any merchandise to sell, so far everything is out of my financial reach. I feel totally at peace walking blind into this one moment at a time trusting God for my next step. I figure he has moved mountains in my life before why not trust him with this, I believe if it is Gods will for it to happen everything will come together in a way that can only be explained by his presence in it.

I went home and was puttering for a bit, writing emails & searching info up on the web. I had a light bulb go off to send my son to the school to pick up his final report card.  He came home with a big grin on his face, he said he had a surprise but I need to look at his report card first, he did really awesome. He got mostly A's & B's. I told him how proud I was of him. He said ok here is the surprise. He pulled out from behind his back a certificate and on that certificate it said Honour Roll. My Son against all odds didn't just Graduate he did it with honours. I thank Jesus for this day as I remember all the people God purposefully placed at the right time  into my Son's life.

I thank Jesus for allowing me to witness a first for my family, being both my children Graduating and going strait into University to cont. their studies.

I left home still beaming from ear to ear with excitement. I went out to pay for my son's University deposit because I received what they call here a HST tax credit which was enough to pay for all of it.

I also needed to go to the Dr's for the result of my CT scan. The scan was all clear except for I have multiple sis's in my sinuses. The Dr. will though be sending me to a neurologist in Vancouver as he said we still needed to find out what was causing the numbness down my left side that comes in waves as well as the pressure & vertigo in my head.

We went out for cheap burger night at Triple O's as a celebratory dinner for my Son's accomplishments.

We on the way back home we stopped to see my Sister in the hospital, she did not look good as her bottom part of her legs & her feet were turning black in color, they had to remove a sis  from under the skin by her ankle this morning & she was still waiting for the vascular surgeon, she looked in massive pain and was fighting not sleeping but this was her body trying to cope that was making her sleepy. I will never be able to watch someone suffer like I have been doing with our family members. I don't think it helped that my sister was in the exact room my grandma was in & the exact bed where she past away 15 days short of a year ago.

Father please be with my family and I as we Celebrate, Cry and Remember. If it is in your will give us peace & strength through all things. In Jesus Name Amen.

Monday, July 4, 2011

Things Almost Never Come in Threes

I have determined who ever started the saying things always come in threes never met my family.

I am so glad I insisted that this long weekend I was taking time off from lives demands, even though it was more a necessity than anything else. I started off the weekend by taking my daughter back up to camp and spending our time together, then after I left her I spent four hours wondering around our Provincial Parks, now that we can park for free, and took over 246 pictures I will be posting some of them in the near future under the New tab, I got home just in time to get the family dinner and go to a friends house pizza & a movie something I haven't done in over 10yrs., even though we didn't get to see the movie as we talked the whole time,catching up. Sunday after Church me and my son went for another 3hr hike, this would be the second weekend we were able to do this. I am enjoying our walks together, I don't know why we didn't steel time to do this long time ago.

My mom one point during the weekend started listing all the things we needed to get done, this is a very long list. I told her that this weekend I was taking off. I came to the realized that talking about the mountain in front of you is just as overwhelming as trying to climb it. I knew this weekend of downtime had to happen if I was going to attempt to start climbing the mountain again.

Reality though started kicking in Sunday night as by the time my Son & I returned home from our walk we entered the house to be told my Sister was admitted to hospital as her sugar levels from her diabetes had gone through the roof & her foot was blistering and turning black, she couldn't stand the pain. Today my Sisters husband came over and told us they have her so hyped up on pain meds. she is only awake for minutes at a time and they would be calling in a vascular surgeon. Please keep my Sister & our family in your prayers.

Today was also the day my Son was told he could register for his Criminology/Criminal Justice courses at the University, something I have never had to do before and was so hoping my daughter could walk him through, but she is at camp. My Son found this process very stressful and the reminders that he has Autism were present as he fought having a full blown meltdown. I am so proud of how far he has come, he can now recognize the stages before full meltdown and avoids what will contribute to it getting to out of control stage or effecting others. We couldn't figure out the online registration for classes so I ran him down to the school, this is where frustration was really coming out for him as most of his classes were on wait lists already. I am so thankful to a wonderful lady who took the time to help him even though she had purse & coat in hand and looked like she was just about to leave for home. She didn't say a word she put her purse and coat down and was beyond pleasant & helpful. I was so stressed by the end of this process as I am so not a bit of help.

Now back to the beginning of the day when I for the first time slept past 6:30am. I woke to the phone ringing, I looked at the clock it was 8:30am. I answered the phone, it was the gentleman who was going to do our roof. I must have sounded half a sleep as he apologized if he woke me. He would be coming by to put the last of the details together, so he could come back with the fascia boards for the roof, so I could have them painted for tomorrow when him and his crew came.

We would need to go get paint before I could do the fascia boards, so we would have to add this into the mix. While we were out getting all the stuff done my Mom reminded me that my absent brain had forgotten again to phone the Dr. back.

I phoned the Dr. when we got home to find out that I was booked in for a 2hr eye exam with a Optometrist & that my Dr. needed to talk to me about the results of my CT scan. Here we go again, I almost wish they would just tell you over the phone so it wasn't prolonged giving the brain the ability to grow the imagination.
I will be going to see him at 4pm tomorrow.

At one point today I was helping my Son with his registration while painting the fascia, while cooking dinner on the barbecue and no I don't have more than on set of hands.

I would say this day couldn't fit much more into it and I am so glad I took the time this weekend because I think I would have collapsed today if I hadn't.

Thank you Jesus for giving me the strength to set limitations and not sway from them, I know this was of you because I have never even thought about it before. Thank you for giving me the wisdom to except what you have brought me to with the peace in the knowledge you will get me through what ever comes my way. Thank you for carrying me when you know I can't do it myself. Father I pray for my sister, please father free her from her suffering, draw her close to you and give her the comfort only you can give, but in all things let your will be done. In Jesus Christ Name Amen.