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Tuesday, July 12, 2011

Revisiting The Events And The Emotions

I heard back from the lady from Fraser Health after I emailed her with what I forgot. She felt she needed to go over in more detail the Journal of events as she felt it was more than she first thought. We went through day by day event by event.

I could feel the emotion swelling inside me feelings I thought I was passed, my adrenalin started pumping through my veins, it felt like reliving it all over again. I felt all the feelings of frustration, fear, helplessness, and anger come back to the surface as I relived the video tape in my head.

I remembered watching the fear in my daughters eyes as I knew there was nothing I could do to stop it, we would replay the tape over & over again with no time to breathe in between each moment, each day & each month as there was no sight of there being an end. I had no idea how I would make it, how could I watch it happen over and over again, this was my child I was suppose to be able to protect her but I couldn't. I have this picture that I thought I finally was free of in my head, a picture of my daughter after we had to restrain her, as she lived through the horror of seeing us all murdered in her mind not aware of our presence, do to the reaction to the prescription she was put on, the picture of the Police removing the handcuffs as she came out of the horror. My little girl on her knees begging the police to lock her up, begging them telling them that she was becoming a monster & she wanted them to lock her up before she hurt someone. I don't know if I will ever be free of this picture in my head. I don't know if I will ever be able to get past the emotions that come flooding back. I can only ask for God's Merci & Grace to cover me and for him to forgive me and free me from myself. I know In this I greatly rejoice, though now for a little while I may have had to suffer grief in all kinds of trials. These have come so that my faith—of greater worth than gold, which perishes even though refined by fire—may be proved genuine and may result in praise, glory and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed. 

Father I know all things I go through will refine my faith to be more valuable then Gold. Father thank you for comforting me in my times of trouble, help me Father to share the comfort you have given me for the salvation on comfort of your children that have strayed. Father you are our good Shepard and like a Shepard that has lost one sheep stray from the flock and leaves the flock to get it you love us so much that even if one of us strays you seek us until we are back with the flock. Thank you for being there, thank you for never giving up on me. Father help me to be a living sacrifice to show the world the love you have for them. Father take my will and replace it with yours, allow my arms & feet to only move when you want them to, take my lips & thoughts captive and let them only speak and think what you want them to. Please Father I don't want to loose my soul to this world may it forever be yours and be pleasing to you. In Jesus Christ Name Amen.

1 Peter 1:6,7
2 Corinthians 1:3-11

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