I find I don't know if right now my emotions are shutting down or if I am just being sheltered from them as if I had to deal with every thing at once I probably would break. Where should I start as many things are happening some very Good and some very horrible. I feel though we should start with the horrible so we leave with the Good fresh in our minds, a method of survival.
I was told tonight that my sister has been holding somethings back. My sister was told by the liver specialist that the reason why she experiences pain while eating is because the nerves in her stomach have died, I believe this is do to her system is shutting down. She is starting to show surfaces signs as the blackness in her skin gets farther & farther up her legs. I feel like I should break down and cry as I know the end is near but all I feel is numb. I know the feeling are there but I just can't access them right now and I fear that they could burst out at anytime and I won't be able to put a plug in it.
I am realizing after being faced with all the things I am trying to accomplish with the medical system, being asked to talk about what happened and our service at Church on Sunday referencing to forgiveness, I am finding I am reliving the video tape in my head. I am finding no matter how much I say I forgive the Dr. involved and thinking I am fooling myself to believe it, I haven't deep down and I don't know if it will ever be possible. I run into people I saw during that time and all the emotions can come flooding out like a dam breaking without warning. How do you forgive something as horrific as what we went through?
I have found I have become emotionally involved in a case that is happening locally where a Single Father had his 9 year old daughter who has Autism removed by Ministry of Children & Family. I have been listening to what is being reported by the father & the mother of what MCF are saying & what is happening. I am only able to get the facts from one side as the Ministry is not speaking. I am infuriated by what I am hearing is happening to this family as it appears most is based on the identity of Autism and the circumstances that are being reported by the family are the reasons for the removal, puts every family of a child with Autism at risk of loosing their child to the Ministry. I am finding I am having to fight myself from getting more involved to find out both sides and compile the facts in the case and stating an argument at this point on the info, in favor of the father. I was infuriated at the lack of for thought to the future consequences to peoples actions. I am finding there are issues on both sides as the side for the father has some people crossing the line into harassment do to the heated emotions and if I learned anything in the 17 yrs. of raising my son emotions close doors and facts to support your argument gain you respect and someones ear. MCF's side I am hearing from the families Facebook page they have set up has just awarded the mother who doesn't live in the home the child was removed from has unofficial was awarded 1.5hrs supervised visitation a week. I do not feel this is in the best interest of the child as this would only be enough time to play with the atypical child's emotions, never mind a child with Autism, by dangling a parent in front of them for a brief moment in time just to rip them apart just to start again the next week. How is this benefiting the child?
I am being dragged back into my past by listening to what is going on, back to a time when I was little. I was being walked down a long ward in a hospital after the court had given my dad visitation rights. We reached my father, I was 7, my father started screaming hysterically at the nurses I couldn't understand why my daddy was telling the nurse that he didn't know me I was his little girl how can a daddy not know his little girl. I was dragged out of the hospital confused and crying not understanding. Thirty- five years later when I get brought back to that memory I can see it as if it was as clear as yesterday. I thank God that this is the only time I have to return to this and it reminds me of how far he has brought me from that time.
I am finding as I write this my emotions are starting to come to the surface will I be able to let them do what they need to do or will that automatic stopper shut them down one more time.
Time to switch to the positive things that are happening.
I have been accepted to the Festival in the Park, where I can introduce myself to the community and share the Gift God gave me of his photography & the testimony behind it.
I was requested by the producer of Family Talk with Dr. James Dobson to speak with her on the phone to give more detail of my story after writing a comment condensing how God was there for my family & me. I have been told if I ever had my testimony recorded they would like me to send them a copy and if I found myself sharing my testimony at church or some other way to please let them know. I pray that this is an opportunity to share the hope Jesus can give to those in their darkest hour as they walk through the valley.
I have also been asked for my help to assist in the writing of a private members bill, in regards to mandatory down time for our health care workers in Canada, for our federal parliament. I will be speaking by phone tomorrow afternoon and appreciate your prayers for God's will in this conversation. I have also been receiving positive emails back from both Federal & Provincial Government members. I don't think I have had one person say that it is bad, and I have only had few responses of you are not from my area or not federal but don't dis agree and only one stating it would be difficult to do under the recent health crisis, could God have given something that all can agree on.
Today I was able to visit someone I hadn't sat down with in a couple of years and it was great to hear what God was doing in her life & to share how far God has brought me since the last time we sat together, because back then I was not as free as I am now. She shared with me Isaiah 44:1-5.
Father through all things you work for your purpose and I thank you for the blessings & miracles you have preformed in my life. I thank you for the answers to prayer as I posted my needs awhile back and one of them was our roof and another was my Mom's shower that was cracked and I asked for only prayers as I was wanting this to be able to shine your glory. Our Shower was fixed by a Gentleman that would not take payment and told us to put it towards the roof and You gave us a gentleman who told us he would do the roof no matter what and we could pay him when we could, but you took it to witness to us all as the bill was payed in full only through your provision of caring for our needs. I was concerned about my daughter not qualifying for student loans but again it ended up it will be payed in full. Thank you Father for the greatest gift you could ever have given me a trust in you for everything setting me free. In Jesus Name Amen.
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