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Saturday, December 31, 2011

Happy New Year! and My New Years Resolution..

Happy New Year, may 2012 be filled with blessings for you all!!

 My New Years Resolution is to walk in trust of the plans my savior has for me, learn to forgive myself more, and learn to be true to myself without being shaped by what the world would rather I be. I know that I'm an outcast in this world and you know 2011 has taught me that this is Ok, because I am not an Outcast where it matters, with Jesus Christ!

Outcast by Kerrie Roberts

Father thank you for all the lessons taught & learned in 2011 and for showering me with your grace when I did not deserve it. I ask that as we all journey into 2012 that you guide and protect us and Father I know only through you can I fulfill any of my resolutions help me Father . In Jesus Christ Name Amen.

Saturday, December 24, 2011

Merry Christmas! What a Christmas!

Merry Christmas to you all, may you be filled with peace, love and joy!

I can say this has been a very different Christmas for us this year, it has had it's sadness and it's joy.

We will be starting new traditions this year as we have three empty seats at our table this year, the three seats were held by what you could say were the glue that held our family together. My Papa has been gone now for his third Christmas, this will also be the second Christmas without my Nana and my Sister joined them in heaven this year and she is the newly empty seat at the table. We aren't sure who will show up for Christmas this year as my Brother is working this Christmas and we are not sure if his other half and their three girls will be coming to join us or will be staying home with him.

My brother-in- law will be spending his first Christmas without his wife of 26 years and is trying to avoid Christmas all together as this was my Sisters favorite time of year and would always go hog wild over it. I haven't talk to my nephew except for in brief passing since my sister passed, his mom. I don't know if any of them will be coming. I know that we have been told by the nursing home my Dad is in that we can't pick him up until after 4:30pm as they need to administer his insulin and other medications before he can come with us.

We might be having a quiet Christmas this year with just the five of us, no need for the plywood on the table this year. Leading up to Christmas this year the memories of those we have lost have been alive in our hearts as we remember all the traditions of old, bringing back happy memories and tears of missing them dearly.

I can say thought this Christmas hasn't been all sad as this Christmas became a Christmas filled with Blessings as God showered us with his gifts for us. We went into this season with the real possibility of us loosing our home, and no possibility of paying for my children's medical needs, never mind Christmas presents, many prayed for my family and God started by giving me back my full-time job that in all rights was gone and not only that my medical being reinstated in full alleviating my inability to support my children's needs.

I remember after getting my job back having to sit down with my children and breaking the news to them that there would be no presents under the tree as there was no way we could afford them as our mortgage payments were needing paid again and we would be starting the loan payment for the money that was put aside for paying our mortgage. I was so blessed by my children's response. My children told me that it was ok because that wasn't the true reason for Christmas anyways and God had already given us so much. My daughter asked "Mom since we aren't doing presents can we go to my church on Christmas day for a 11 am as they will be having a service and that is the reason for Christmas anyways. God blessed me by that response as my children humbled me.

God gave us one more present, My mom was talking to lady at the bank about the exact figures of our first loan payment that was suppose to be Dec. 22, when the Lady at the bank told her not to worry about it and have a Merry Christmas and they would talk about our first loan payment in the new year. We had put aside the money for the payment and now it was opened up to purchase the family some presents and be able to allow the blessing to flow outwards.

We sometimes get wrapped up in the need to buy gifts for those we love, to find that just perfect gift, at least I know I do. We have all the lights and glitter and need them to look just right. We join the crowds of people shopping in the stores. My children reminded me that the real meaning of Christmas did not come with all this, it came in a stable with the birth of a baby boy, a Savior/a Lord who was laid in a manger as their was no room for them in the inn. I type this and I think is there still no room in the inn, is it filled to full with lights, glitter, and presents that there has been no room left for the birth of a Savior in our lives.

The Real reason for Christmas:
Luke 1:26-45
Luke 2:1-21

Once again, Merry Christmas to You!! May your Christmas be filled with Hope, Peace, Love and Joy!!

Tuesday, December 20, 2011

Giving, A Hand Out or A Hand Up

I have been trying for the last while to figure out how to word what I am trying to say and hopefully now the words will come.

I know in the past when I have tried to explain it I most likely have come across as ungrateful and this has never been my intent. I realize I have lost most of my social edicate and mannerism over the years being isolated as a single parent of a special needs child, so I hope the heart and soul of what I am trying to say comes through.

I think I have found the difference between a hand out and a hand up, after speaking with a dear friend about it.

A hand out is when someone generously gives of the material needs of a person, example if some one is hungry you give food, someone can't afford a bill you pay that bill, someone is in need of a service such as counselling you purchase the service. These are all admiral acts of kindness and generosity, but could something be missing.

When I was diagnosed with cervical cancer and was forced to have a hysterectomy, I was laid up for weeks. I was a new christian and I had been attending a coffee connection at a local church. I didn't know anyone real well. While I was at home recovering, I was surprised by a visit at the door from one of the ladies from the church with a gift of a meal and company. I have to say even though the meal was appreciated the company of the lady was far more valued. I was given the gift of the knowledge that someone cared enough to take time out of their lives to say that I was not alone and someone actually cared about me as a person and gave me a sense of belonging.

I never really understood the impact those ladies had on my healing until we went through the trial of 2009 and the time that followed, they had given me a more than a handout, they gave me a hand up.

In the beginning of that time I was blessed by four people, in the christian community, that offered to my family that sense of care and  belonging as they sacrificed their time to be there when we needed them, even if we didn't always take them up on their offer, just knowing they were there and that they offered, made the world of difference. They searched past the "How are you doing?"" I am ok...I'm surviving..." They took the time to look behind the answer.

Season's changed and two of the four do to their own trials moved away. I was thankful though to a friendship that grew with the third person and she always knew when to say hey it's time to go for coffee and she would sit their with an open ear, filled with heart.

I would start to feel bad that I was always venting my stuff on her alone and even though we had a great God given friendship I was starting to feel alone and isolated. I would still get the assistance from the church for the counselling my family needed and I was grateful for that, but I was loosing my sense of belonging and the isolation would start growing. I was so blessed by my counselor and my dear friend, but feeling abandoned by the community I had just started feeling a part of. I had nothing of me left to reach out as my body and mind were breaking and the lack of personal human contact was feeding that brokenness of being. I was feeling like no one really cared, I was becoming a sense of obligation to those in the community to help support  my material needs, as this is the christian thing to do.

When we see someone in need do we search their hearts needs or do we not go pass their material needs? Sometimes the material needs are just the scratch on the surface, with a much deeper cut below the surface.

 When he had finished washing their feet, he put on his clothes and returned to his place. “Do you understand what I have done for you?” he asked them.  “You call me ‘Teacher’ and ‘Lord,’ and rightly so, for that is what I am.  Now that I, your Lord and Teacher, have washed your feet, you also should wash one another’s feet.  I have set you an example that you should do as I have done for you.  Very truly I tell you, no servant is greater than his master, nor is a messenger greater than the one who sent him.  Now that you know these things, you will be blessed if you do them. John 13:12-17

Sunday, December 4, 2011

Fast Forward to Now

 I left you just before the Testimony of 2009 with me planning for the inevitable , I had worked out a budget with a template online and was faced with the impossible reality that there was no way it could be done. I prayed to my Heavenly Father
"Father you are the great provider, you tell us why do you worry if I can take care of the birds, why not you?

Father I lay this in your hands. In Jesus Christ Name Amen."

I have to tell you now that God is the great restorer!! I can't believe how much has changed since that post just over a month ago. God has healed my mind from the trauma we went through. he has transformed me from the inside out. I have witnessed so many answered prayers to things I thought were impossible. 

I had been let go of my job because of my attendance do to the trauma, I guess you could say I was fired because of it. I had come to the end of my rope thinking that I had lost a job that was more like a family to me and how on earth would I ever get it back because in all rights it was gone for good, once someone fires you they don't generally hire you back. I have to say with God all things are possible as my job I lost gave me a second chance, as they rehired me last Thursday Permanent Full-time, with my benefits starting right away. What an answer to so many prayers, what a miracle, as we would no longer be at risk for loosing our house. I was going to be facing  this Friday coming up with a bill for $2,500. for my daughter sleep apnea machine, prayer was answered as because my medical was reinstated and I found out as long as my children live at home they are covered by my medical till they are 21, so my daughters machine will be covered under my medical. I received special Authority for a year for my son's medication for his Autism/ADHD, but found out that this only came into effect after I reached the deductible amount for the year and because it was not retroactive and only started in October it would not be covered for this calendar year or the beginning of the next as the deductible amount started over again in January and it would be  while before it was met for next year, another words it looks really good on paper but not in reality, but because my medical is reinstated his prescriptions are now covered again. Praising God so much for all that he is doing in my life!!! I may not always understand somethings but he is taking care of me no matter what!!

God has restored life back to the way it was before the trauma, with the new and improved version.

  "And the God of all grace, who called you to his eternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a little while, will himself restore you and make you strong, firm and steadfast." 1Peter 5:10

God does all that he promises to do!

He has written scriptures on my heart through this journey. You may ask how has he done this, I say it is a miracle! I am not a devout bible reader, no matter how much I try. I am finding though through the Holy Spirit God is bringing me to certain scriptures at certain times, in perfect timing.

The scriptures he has brought me to in the order he brought me to them:

God brought me to in the beginning to let me know I was about to experience something but I would not be walking it alone.

He brought me to this one when we were in the midst of it and I was loosing hope, to let me know that he was working with in me and refining my faith

God brought me to this one when the healing started to take place to show me that there was a purpose.

He is showing me that he is keeping his promise as he restores me, as he makes me strong, firm and steadfast in my faith, removing the fear and anxiety that was standing in the way of his purpose for my life.

Thank you Father for being true to your word, thank you for who you have made me to day a free child of God. Father I lift the people of this world up to you. I pray for their salvation Lord may they be set free to be who you purposed them to be, if they don't know you Father soften the walls to their hearts so they may see you the way you have aloud me to see you. In Jesus Precious name Amen.