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Saturday, October 18, 2014

Updates and Valleys

My mom went for her transfusions. Her first one made her body go into shock. When she went to the next one she explained what she had gone through so they slowed down the transfusion, injecting the same amount over a longer period of time, this seem to work. She would finish her transfusions and the blood test would come back fine, her levels would be back up.

I have picked up my diploma and to my shock I had not just graduated from the Business Administration Program with a Diploma, but with an Honours Diploma. I thank God for that, as He told me to rest in Him and trust Him. I went into that course resting in God's plan for my life and knowing no matter what I did I could not mess that up because who was I to hinder God's plans. I showed up and did what was put before me, no more, no less. I promised myself I would not going to obsess on it I was going to let what happened happen and trust in God's outcome.

I am finding that when I let go and just trust in God's sovereignty and plan for my life, mountains are moved. I also find as time passes revelations come into how everything is connected and the purpose for what has happened revealed.  

I have to say though sometimes in the moment of pain it is a job and a half to hold onto that truth, but if I don't I become consumed and dragged deeper into a place that holds no peace.

I am still seeking employment at this time, as I try to stay focused on it is in God's perfect timing. I do not know where God will take me next but I know when I get there I will know. I am not though saying that stating that truth is easy, as time goes by and I struggle fighting off the rejections as I hand out resumes, have interviews, find out I do not have enough experience or am missing a qualification or two, find out an ability to drive is mandatory and facing new forms of interviewing that were not around eight years ago when I last sought a job. I find myself struggling with depression.

I also have been fighting health issues and was just diagnosed with Diabetes and had another medical issue that had landed me in emerge a couple of times, as the doctor tries to figure it out. On one of the emerge visits, while buckled over in pain from my abdomen, I was placed in a private room in emerge and the nurse shut the door. I had remembered this room. it was the room I remembered from 2009. I was guided to this room by a doctor in 2009, away from my daughter. The doctor would proceed to inform me that I was not to bring my daughter back to emerge. I had told him that it was 911 protocol to bring her to emerge. I then heard those words that would seal the reality that we were on our own in the nightmare we were experiencing, as the doctor proceeded to tell me not to call 911 and then I was directed to take my daughter home.  

I would have the video tape and the emotions from that time and the rest of that trauma come flooding back as if I was living it in that moment. I was overwhelmed. I was trying so hard to stay in control in that moment when the doctor walked in the room and it would be a doctor from the trauma of 2009, not the doctor that told be not to come back but another who had told me to take her home and I got in a fight with and said I was not leaving till we had some answers and I would be forced to leave with no resolve. His walking in the door was the final trigger to send me over.

 I was visibly shaking as I could not hold it in anymore. Before he looked up he told me that he didn't like the fact of having to deal with the situation I was in and was tired of it being put on the shoulders of emerge, then he looked up. The doctor remembered the time with my daughter and I spilled what I had shared with you above. He stood thrown back by what I had to say and kept saying he had no idea that I had been put through that and was apologizing profusely. He asked if I would like him to find me another place to wait.

I ask if it could be my pancreas causing the pain as I had just recently been diagnosed with diabetes, so he ordered a blood test, it came back normal. I had a CT scan I was waiting on an appointment for and he said he would expedite it and then he would send me home still buckled over in pain. I have it on my file that pain medications are a no go for me with my history with medications. I would be in pain for hours, before it would subside. I would still not know what was causing it.

I would go to Theology Class and the lovely lady who drives me offered me two tickets to "Panic Squad" a family friendly comedy improve group, she thought it might give me a much needed night of fun. She had season tickets and wouldn't be able to use them that night. I was thankful and accepted them, hoping I could find someone to go with me. 

I would ask my mom and son if either of them would go with me and received the response I always received, no thank you. I would email my pastorate and tell those I knew that I was looking for company to go with me to see Panic Squad. I received one response, via email, from the lady of my pastorate that has gone to concerts with me in the past. She was sick. I also received a text from my friend, but she already had plans.

My depression was enjoying this as it directed my thoughts to tell me look this is no different from any of the other times you have had to do things on your own, remember that Tupperware party when you invited everyone from your work, church and Facebook friends, the day came, the Tupperware lady arrived, my sister arrived, mom lived with me so she was there, but no one else came, the story of my life. My depression told me look no one cares history states you are a loner, who doesn't matter to anyone. 

I walked to the Panic Squad performance. I arrived and saw a couple of people from church, who were volunteering. I went in and found my seat. I would watch all these families and large groups of friends gather in their seats. I would watch all their joyous interactions as they had fun together. 

My depression would remind me that I was sitting their alone with nobody, as it dug in the fact that I was alone, I had no one, I knew allot of people, but none that you go out and do things with, but one who had a family and a husband who had an already busy life. I had no purpose I would not be missed. I had no job, no one in my life that had time for me. I was fighting back the tears, as the reality of grasping at these being lies my thoughts were telling me became hard to believe as they were starting to feel like truths. I was hearing everyone around me laugh as the show went on but I was numb, I had no laughter left in me. I could not shake the negative thoughts that consumed my mind.

I would find the video tapes and emotions would not leave me either, the ones that were triggered after in the emergency. I had thought I was finally free of them, but obviously I was wrong. I would sink into a deeper depression. I had an appointment to discuss the recent diagnoses of Diabetes. I would walk to that doctor’s appointment and soon realize how deep the depression had become. 

I would ask my churches prayer group on FB to pray for me that, I would be able to speak freely to the doctor about what was going on in my head, as this was a boundary the doctor had taken on when I came to be his patient after what we went through in 2009. He did not want to talk about that time, as it was a hornet’s nest and he didn't want stung.

I leave home heading to the doctors and would come across my first intersection. I pushed the button for the crosswalk, as I walk across the road I would find my self-talk had changed. I was no longer concerned about the car turning across my path possibly hitting me. My thoughts were hoping the car would hit me. I would start battling with my thoughts as I knew they were wrong. I would then cut through the park that in the recent past has had some violent attacks. I would find my thoughts going in the direction of hoping I would be attacked and killed, so I would no longer have to live this nightmare over and over again. My heart was assuring me that these were lies, this would not solve anything. I would continue on my walk to the doctors and at every crossing I would fight the same lies, hoping to be hit, as I walked not caring what harm I could experiencing just hoping it would and I would meet my end, without committing suicide, but to an accident.

I would make it to the doctor’s office emotionally drained. When my doctor walked into the examining room. He knew there was something wrong and he asked me to talk about it. I told him that at the hospital emerge the video tapes and emotions were triggered and I was fighting depression and didn't realize how bad until I had walked to his office and then I explained. I told him there was no worry about suicide as I feared being separated from God more. He would give me a prescription for a medication that I had used before for the depression when my husband walked out of our lives years ago. He said it will not deal with the PTSD, but would hopefully help with the depression. He looked at me Glucose levels and said yes they were still very high, but he did not prescribe anything for it, I was thinking he was waiting till after the CT scan.

I walked home still fighting the negative thoughts but thankful for answered prayer. I had finally been able to open up to the doctor and let it all out.

To be continued, soon as time permits...

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