Continuing the Journey of Loss

I have posted the photo's of my walk to Church, I am so amazed by what I miss when I am driving. I had made it over half way to Church when a car pulled around in front of me, it was the youth leader from the Church. She asked me if I would like a lift and I said "I would love it"

We arrived at the Church and I made my way to the front seat in the sanctuary. I had a half an hour till church started so I cracked open my bible and started reading. I don't know why but the only part of that service my brain could focus on was two things one being about our fear to publicly hold up what the bible states & the other was the reference that was made about giving & wealth. I don't know if they were lies seeping into my mind as I felt all of a sudden out of place as I felt so alone as I didn't have anything of monetary value as I fall into the deep realization that I am living in poverty and am unable to find away to support my family and have to get past the shame in admitting I can no longer do anything without leaning on others and the horrible pit inside of not wanting to take advantage of people as I should be the one doing all this.

My emotions in church on Sunday were quite scrambled, by the end of the service the grief had started to over come me and after being dismissed they had turned on some music and the first song played had been the song I haven't been able to get away from as it has been playing over and over again "Blessings" by Laura's Story   I Started to feel the uncontrollable swell of tears coming. I focused on walking straight up the isle through the doors into the foyer, continue walking strait out the front door and then on to the street as I just couldn't face the looks or the questions at that point. I started my walk home, I phoned my Mom halfway home and she asked me why I hadn't asked for a ride home and I explained. She told me there was no option of picking me up now as my brother-in-law had picked up my sister's car, that my mom & I had been using to take my sister to dialysis with. She also let me know that my brother-in-law and his mom were removing all my sister's stuff from the house and taking it to the thrift store, not even 24 hrs. after my sister had passed away. I was numb. I cont. walking home taking pictures along the way. My mom said to call when I was getting close so she could make lunch, so I did. My children decided they would meet me half way with some water, what a blessing that was, as I was parched. I eventually made it home now with my children after my 2 1/2 hour walk from church.

My friend convinced me to go to a 65th Birthday party that I was planning on attending before my sister passed. I finally agreed to go after agreeing of not talking about my sister as it wasn't fair to the birthday boy. I found myself at a picnic table with two ladies I knew talking about pets dying, I felt the swell of emotion coming so I excuse myself and went for a walk as I didn't want this to be at the birthday celebration, I was followed. One of the Ladies at the table caught up to me and asked me what was wrong and she wasn't taking nothing for an answer. I broke down & told her about my sister and told her as I didn't want this to be part of the Birthday as it was not appropriate. We talked for a bit and then when I felt I was collected again we walked back and I sat back down at the picnic table, across from a lady who I thought was more than just an acquaintance. She started asking me questions about my sister and many pointed questions and I told her this wasn't the place as we were here for the birthday and she persisted so I made my point quite abruptly as I knew I was going to break down into emotion if I didn't. When the party came to an end my friend and her husband drove my daughter and I home.

Monday morning with still no vehicle to drive my children and I headed of to the University for their appointments and stuff they needed to do and I would eventually part from them to catch my connecting bus that would take me to my counselor. I arrived at my appointment a little early so I waited in the driveway and checked my Facebook to see if I had any messages and I did. I had a message from the lady I had to cut short at the Birthday Party. She was telling me that she was choked at me because I wouldn't talk to her about my sister when she had found out I had been talking with someone else. I was engulfed in pain & anger over this message. I was hurt that I was the subject of two people I thought cared's gossip & angered by the ignorance and lack of care by the person I was receiving the message from. I didn't respond right away as I was so full of emotion and I knew I would say something I would regret. I went into my appointment and we discussed the loss of my sister & the message I received and how I would handle it.

I will have to come back later to continue as my eyes are fighting to stay awake. and it is close to 1 am here. May God bless you in your day & night.