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Wednesday, September 28, 2011

Life Going Back to My Normal

After working for my old job for the last seven days strait I am back to not working until they need me again.

I soon realized today our lives would quickly get back to its normal. I woke up this morning and started working on the RV in the driveway again. While outside the bank phoned and informed my Mom that we would most likely have to sell the house unless we could figure out how to pay the mortgage payments in two months. Mom told her it was cheaper to pay the mortgage than rent and we would be no better off. Bank I know is only looking after their interest.

My daughter had to go for the results from her sleep test and I needed to take my son to finish filling out his funding forms at the university. I made an appointment for me to see someone in student services.

I have decided to go back to school as long as I can get past the kayos of life and my fear of not being able to follow through and get over the hurdles and obstacles I face. I want to go back to school to take law & psychology to become a child advocacy lawyer. Prayers please.

My daughter reminded me that she wants to move to Alberta to live with her Dad so she can finally get to know him and for him to get to know her, I understand her want & need to spend time with her Dad. She wanted to know what I thought and I refused to way in as this was a decision she needed to make, no one else.

I was breaking inside as I realized I had just lost my sister and now I would be loosing my daughter as she moved to far away for me to see her.

We finished at the university and headed off to my daughters appointment. My Mom was visibly upset that I couldn't just dump her off and go do what she wanted to get done. My daughter had asked me to come with her as she still doesn't feel comfortable with Doctors. I felt torn & angry that my Mom would make me have to choose. I stayed with my daughter and I am glad I did as she was diagnosed with severe sleep apnea, she had worn a monitor the night before and the results showed she stopped breathing at least 29 times in an hour and her oxygen levels dropped 74%. The Doctor said if she had been in hospital and these results happened they would of had to intubate her. I was sitting in chock. I know this means a very expensive piece of medical equipment that wasn't a want but a necessity for her health. Poverty just slapped me in the face again.

I have to admit my anger started rearing its head as I blame the medical system for renovating our lives as they turned it upside down and I would have still had my job and my extended medical if I hadn't lost my job do to the Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. I know I am suppose to be able to forgive and I want to but I can't seem to as it keeps slapping me in the face, Father forgive me, for my unforgiveness.

My Mom showed no care or concern for what my daughter was now facing as she talked over my daughter about something completely different from my daughters concerns.

My Mom continued talking to us as she normally does leaving each statement with a put down or dig to the person she is interacting with, the sad point is she doesn't hear herself doing it and feels there is nothing wrong and when I confront her on it she tells me I am abusing her. I finally told her that if she feels like I am abusing her we need to part ways as it must not be good for her for us to stay living together, as I type this my Mom reconfirms the dogs hold more value than us as she speaks to them with kindness and care something we haven't heard our direction since we went through the trauma.

She told me I better figure out my housing or I would find myself living on the street. I told her I didn't want anything and that living on the street would be better than the prison I am living in now. Right now, I need my Mom's acceptance in everything I do for fear of her getting mad and her becoming extremely cold towards me or doing her famous huffing behind me thinking I can't hear her or her doing it to get to me. I am tired of being made to feel guilty for things I want to do with my life and feeling my life removes around her wants and needs. I told her I guess this means we need to sell the house and she can keep everything from it because I wasn't being accused of using her.

I thought my day couldn't get any worse when I came home to a letter from Employment Insurance letting me know that I had reached my 15 weeks worth of benefits and that I should notify my employer in regards to disability benefits if this applies. Well being I was let go and have no medical I know the answer to this one, we are about to go back to no income, no medical, and about to have no place to live. Life couldn't get any better than this.

The Medical system goes on with its life while mine crumbles beneath my feat. I will keep up the blogs until I have no access to a computer or internet. I don't know how long it will take until we have to leave our home and figure out if we can find a place that needs no money down and no monthly payment as I don't have either.

I am looking for a miracle God!! I know if you are bringing us to it you will get us through it even if it isn't how we would like it. I know it is for your greater plan that I can only see one peace of. In Jesus Name Amen.

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