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Monday, June 20, 2011

Confusion, Spilling It, Thoughts

After my last post, I was driving around with my Mom and my children in our van. I don't remember what started the conversation, I am pretty sure it was about our finances. I had mentioned that maybe once we got the house fixed we should sell it as we seem to be stretched to the max and that stress probably is what is wearing on the stress in the house. My Mom lost it, She yelled that she wasn't to blame and fine we could sell the house and we could go out and rent two shacks one for her to live in one for me. How she had rescued us all those years ago and now this, I was left with the impression that the hand she held out to the kids & I all those years ago came at a life cost. Me and the kids really didn't know what had just happened as I wasn't attacking her I was just looking for a solution to our situation (My Mom's stress level I seem to feed on and it stresses me out).

My kids tried to explain that this was not what I was saying and then I Spilled it. I told her the only place I actually feel my space to live in is my room, in the house. I also told her that the desires I have to live conflict with hers. I also told her I wasn't ready to retire, I was only in my 40's and that I still wanted to live. She kept coming back that she was in her sixties and she wasn't interested in it and I could do what ever I wanted outside the house and I had no need to bring it home. I told her that I didn't feel like I had a home, my home consisted of the four walls of my bedroom and that was it. The van became dead silent, no other word was said. We arrived home and she went strait in her room and shut the door. I know this stage of our disagreements really well I call it the silent treatment when she acts like we don't even exist.

My kids went down stairs to go play my son's new PS3 his Dad bought him for Grad. I went to my room for a bit to work on my son's Grad pictures. The silence got louder and louder until I needed to go for a walk so I took my camera and I told my kids I was going for a walk and I would be back later. I figured it was time to spend with Jesus and I guess he figured this was a good thing and after 2 pictures being taken my batteries died in my camera and I now was alone with no distractions to spend time with Jesus. I asked if there was any way to restore peace to our house. I started thinking about Grad and how the questions were fuel and a light bulb went off, was my Mom running through all the doubts, questions and fears in her head, were they fueling a seed of fear and insecurity could this be the cause of the out burst. I felt like I was being given wisdom into what was going on.

I headed in the direction of home as I couldn't wander any longer. I got home to my Mom still in her room with her door shut. I went on Facebook and when the window opened, right in front of me was a friend asking if anyone needed a TV. Wow talk about bringing peace back in the house quickly, my Mom had been angry since her TV broke and now I was being offered to come get a TV and only had to pay what I could afford and if that was nothing that was ok. Thank you Jesus! We went straight over and picked it up and thanked her profusely. My Mom came out of her room and no more has been mentioned about what was said in the car and my Mom is speaking to us again and watching her TV.

Father's day came and my children wanted to go see Papa as they weren't here for the dark memories of the past and only remember the sweet old man they call Papa. We took them to see their Papa and we all wished him a Happy Father's Day. I faced my fear of seeing him in the setting he is in and it was not bad.

Drove my daughter to the camp she volunteers at all summer. We left early so we could stop at the Provincial Park's on the way so we could spend time together and take pictures. We got a chuckle at one of the parks as we looked for a place we could take the dog with us.
My daughter calls this an Epicly failed sign.

I dropped my daughter off at camp and then drove home stopping by another park on the way. I am so happy that our BC, Canada removed the parking fee from their parks I can actually afford to stop now.

I learned a lesson today on how to motivate you to not procrastinate on the things that need to be finished in the house from what the film crew left us. Invite the Church into your home to pray over it, house gets finished much faster. Amazing what company can do.

Ok some of you might be asking "Prayer over the house?" I have been feeling the need to have our house prayed over after all the weird stuff that had gone on in our house with Spiritual Warfare and then the designer flipping the paint fan deck out and telling me think of it as if I was fanning out my taro cards, that just creped me out after what we had experienced. I know it is out of the realm of norm for most, as well as me but at this point I look at it as I rather have the prayer done and nothing happen than not have it done and wondering if I should have.

I had a talk with my daughter about inviting the Church, in in this matter. She told me she is not there yet in her faith. She also told me that she had been speaking to a friend and they use to be on a team that prayed over houses and some really weird stuff can happen, as if there is a demonic presence a battle can ensue, slamming doors ext. ok I never thought about the reaction to pushing out demonic stuff I was only getting use to the reality that it truly exists. We will see what happens when they come on Friday, I am not sure if it is except-able to open the door to anyone from the Church body who would like to come and pray, but if you are interested you can email me and I can ask as this is all part of a learning curve for me.

I'm finding there are allot of things I still have to learn about the Church as I went to only the second congregational meeting I have attended at the church and I really don't know how these meetings work or what the elders rolls are in the Church, this weighed on filling out ballots excepting or rejecting new elder nominees as how can you vote for something you don't understand.

Well at this meeting a member of the congregation spoke on a subject and I felt the same conviction to speak that the Holy Spirit gives me that is not relieved until I do, so I went to the front to speak on what was said. I spoke, the applauded and I can tell you I don't remember anything I said, this always happens when I am convicted to speak, I can't figure that one out either.

Tonight I am looking into plan B of employment as I love Photography & I love designing. I was told I should go for it and become a Graphic Designer and now that I think about it, this would be something I could do that my health would not put a road block on. Please Pray for me, for discernment, something I think God is still trying to teach me that I don't seem to get.

I am being reassured by my prayer counselor and the body of Christ that God brings us to a resting spot where we just wait because he has something coming for my life he has planned. I believe this as other than the not knowing how to have idle hands, I am at total piece with where I'm at.

Thank you Father for this day, please keep us safe in your arms. In Jesus Christ Name Amen.

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