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Wednesday, July 4, 2012

Feeling Like Being Punched

Wow it feels like it has a bit since I stopped by. The last few weeks have been really busy and allot has changed.  I can't believe I survived working 12 days in a row and 94 hours later. I have to admit the last couple of days were rough but I did it.

I managed to have two days off before working Canada Day, but it was a fair trade working the stat to get the following Friday, this Friday off. I was able to book in some stuff that I can't normally do because my work hours conflict. I have set up an appointment at the church to talk to the special needs ministry about the dream God had given me for a community centre for special needs.

Monday night I had been playing on the computer and was looking up houses for sale online. I found this perfect town home, a rancher style. The town home was close to town making everything walking distance, one level making it easy for my mom's mobility, air conditioned so the heat wouldn't get to my mom as most of her medications make her ill in the heat, would cut the commute to work in half cutting the gas, and best of all I did some # crunching and it would cut the cost of our mortgage in half  freeing us from just existing.

We had only one road block standing in the way and that is the penalty on our mortgage that the bank put on when we had to get the second mortgage in 2009 when I wasn't able to go to work because of the trauma we were going through, but I was stronger now and I was ready to go to the bank and ask them to wave it if they wanted us to keep our mortgage with them.

 I was reinstated back into my position at work a year this September, after getting fired and then finally being told what I was going through was Post Traumatic Stress Disorder from what we went through and I was finally getting control back from the effects of it. I started working for them originally in 2006. I felt this put me in a strong position to qualify again for a smaller mortgage but this time without my mom's income, as I needed to be secure in knowing that if anything happened I could afford to do this on my own. I knew this would be far cheaper than paying rent and our best option allowing us to be able to breathe again.

I went in to work the next day all excited as I had asked for everyone to pray for us, over this as soon as everything started moving. I asked for a letter from my work, for the bank. I called mom at coffee and she had already contacted the bank and set up an appointment on Friday after my morning appointment. She also contacted the Real estate office, she had got the moving bug too as we were seeing a light at the end of the tunnel. I received the letter from work and put it in my purse.

This morning I woke up and was going through the morning ritual and was about to leave for work when I remembered the letter from work that was sealed with my name on it. I opened it up and started reading and as I read I felt so angry and so hurt. I had realized my first 5 yrs had been wiped away like they had never existed. I soon came to the realization that the chance of us being able to get out of living never knowing if we will make it payday to payday had most likely evaporated.

My brother had just called waking my mom so I went to her room. She knew I was angry, or I guess you could say livid. I through the letter at her and told her I was pissed but she could read it for herself.

I was devastated and felt like someone had just punched me. I thought what we had gone through was behind us. I thought my work finally understood that we were the victims in all of this and nothing we went through was by choice. I thought they understood and when I was reinstated, they were showing care and compassion as I had shared candidly about what we had gone through.

I now felt like I was being treated no differently than someone that was skipping work, slacking on the job or steeling something and had been fired. I was hurting knowing that all the times I gave all of me to work in the past was worth nothing as if it had never existed before.

I drove to work with the anger and pain running through my veins. I was talking to God all the way to work, praying for his strength and help. While I was driving God brought the "Parable of the Unmerciful Servant" to my mind and then I heard him say "I have forgiven you of your sins, I need you to forgive them of theirs!" My brain started processing the parable and I realized that my debt was my sin and God made a way to forgive me and he was asking me to make a way to forgive them. I told God that there was no way I could do this on my own, only through him I knew this was possible.

By the time I got to work the anger was gone but the hurt and pain I was feeling was still very much alive. I walk to put my purse and lunch kit down. On the way, I was walking towards a coworker and my face must of screamed something was wrong. He asked me if I was ok. I told him I had stuff I had to deal with on my own, trying so hard to just have time to process everything past the emotional stage. I put my stuff away and I heard him call me again. He said " Nicki we need to pray, do you want to go pray?" that opened up the flood gate of tears. We went into one of the units and he prayed for me, as I fought back the tears.

I headed over to ware all of us meet in the morning and the tears were not cooperating and one of my other coworkers was sitting there and she looked at me as the tears were flowing and I couldn't do anything but spill why I was hurting. I released what I was trying to bottle and then I was able to get control back and put the mask back on that said, I'm ok or as another coworker thought I was just tired, thanking God that was all she said.

I could feel God giving me what I needed to get through the day. He gave me the ability to continue my work just the same as I did before reading the letter, as he kept whispering to me all day "grace, give them the grace I gave you" the same words he gave me when he first brought me back to work.

God has called me where I am and he is who I work for everyday and I will give him my all, by giving my all in all I do.

Well tomorrow is my last day of work for the week, then I will keep the two appointments on Friday, but I do ask for your prayers over both appointments. Saturday we go out with the Realtor to see what our options are if the bank gives us the go ahead.

God I know you are in control of everything and that everything has a purpose. Please God if it is in your will please open the doors to where you want us to go in a way that we know it is you guiding our foot steps. Thank you for being in conversation with me today and helping me get through the day, hopefully in a way pleasing to you! In Jesus Precious Name Amen.

Please Continue to pray for the Klassens and the Kuhns


Steve Finnell said...

you are invited to follow my blog

Nicki said...

Thank you Steve