I am finding in my journey I am struggling with who I am and who I want to be. I have an inner self that yearns to break free. I find I don't know how to be the inner me.
I keep falling back on searching out how I can make money so that I can be free to serve God, even though I know with in myself it is Jesus Christ I need to seek alone and affix my eyes too. 1 Timothy 6:9-11 God is who makes me.
My Heart desire is to sell everything I have so I can be free to serve God where ever he wants me to be. My heart aches everyday to surrender my whole life to Jesus. I find though I wage a battle as I don't know how to follow my hearts desire while I have people dependent on me. How can I do what my heart desires to fully give my life to Jesus free of the chains of this world. How can I walk with Jesus and show the love he calls us to give by leaving those who are dependent on me. My son is not yet set up in his adult life independent of me. I don't know how or when my son will be set up in that life where he gets control of his Autism again and has a means to support himself. How can I do my hearts desire to give it all up for Jesus when people are dependent on me and those people I care deeply for?
I here all these sermons and songs that talk allot people asking why questions to God and how could he do this to me? I don't have these questions as I know it is for God's glory and greater plan. I find I fight more with myself. I so want to be like Paul who faced great suffering but didn't wine about it but rejoiced in it. I want to serve Jesus Christ even through the suffering in this way, but my weakness keeps getting in my way as my heart pains not to suffer anymore, to be able to breathe with out wondering how. I want to trust Jesus with it all but my human sinful reactions take over and I start losing hope that my circumstances will ever change.
When we went through 2009, we were thrown into poverty with no visible way out. I know God has a purpose behind all that he does in my life, even when I can't see why.
God has been speaking allot to me about not walking this alone and that I need to get rid of my stubbornness and let other people into my life to help, could this be why he has brought me to a place that I can't survive on my own so I am forced to go out of my comfort zone and ask for help?
I struggle with asking for help as I know I could never be able to pay anyone back. I also know that right now there doesn't appear to be away out of our poverty making our need long term and how can I ask for that kind of help? I have been asked why do you not go to the Church? I have to say I have been quite open with the Church and their support from what I understand are a short term relief for those in need. I did have someone from the Church say they would look into how they could help once they came back from a missions trip, but they have been back for awhile and I have heard nothing more about it.
I honestly would love to hand over our income and our bills over to the Church and see if they can find away to make what an accountant, a budget consultant and we can't get to work, work.
I have noticed when I finally cry out on facebook our situation, the people that mostly step forward are the ones facing problems of their own but put their hand out to help us anyways, in an act of faith.
I have worked this last 7 days and have 3 more days to go till I get a day off. After I went to church, I headed of to work and as I was working I started getting the image of a human body and how every part has its purpose and together they make one body. 1 Corinthians 12:12-30
I have no idea why I started thinking this but here I go to try to explain the thoughts that started flooding in my mind. If we were baptized by the spirit to form one body (verse 13) and we are now the body of Christ (verse 27) when one part of the body is in pain how do we deal with it? Do we find out what is causing the pain and treat it with something that will cure the pain eventually, even if it takes time and cont monitoring to make sure it doesn't get worse or do we treat it with a quick fix and hope for the best and if the pain returns screaming find another quick fix and hope it works this time.
I think most times we do the latter as life gets to busy to take the time to take care of what is hurting, so we throw a band-aide on it and hope for the best, but unfortunately some pains aren't that quick of a fix and need nurturing back to health with time and care.
I'm finding while God has put me in this place of discomfort and suffering he is teaching me allot and opening my eyes where they once were closed. I pray one day God places me in a place that I can be a blessing to someone else for His Glory, like he has brought those who have been a blessing to my family and I.
I am seeing many being taken to that place we were at in 2009, where one thing after another just keeps piling up and you just don't know how you could take anymore and you finally get to that place where all you can do is laugh as another gets thrown on top. We were so there as what is read in the Testimony of 2009 was only part of what we were going through. We were also going through the terminal diagnoses of my Sister & my Nana. My Nana passed as we were still dealing with 2009 and a year later after great suffering my sister passed away.
My prayers are for the Klassen & Kuhn families as they walk through that moment when life as you know it stops and your dependency on God's mercy & grace becomes a greater focus.
Please pray for these families that God renews them on a daily basis and showers them with his peace beyond understanding and healing for their families.
Father thank you for us being able to take in that first breathe every morning! I lift up the Klassen and Kuhn families to you Lord, place a hedge of protection around them and cover them with the blood of Jesus. Renew them and fill them with the Holy Spirit daily, flood them with your peace beyond understanding and fill them with your love. I ask that you put your healing hand who need it my Sovereign God, but in all things let your will be done. In Jesus precious name amen.
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