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Saturday, June 9, 2012

God how much stronger do I have to get or...

... is the point that I need broken again so you are the only strength I need?

I have been struggling this last week as the waters rise in my life, once again. I find it is turning into a daily battle to stay focused on the promise that God will never leave me nor forsake me and I know I should be content with what I have, but I am a sinner.

I struggle every time I get paid from work and I know that I really don't have enough money for me to be able to get to work until the next week. My son and I have even walked to church, 4 hr return trip, on a Sunday just so I can stretch the gas.

I found it has been a bit harder this last few weeks knowing I had to drive an extra 124 km last Wednesday to go to the heart specialist, as the weeks leading up to the last payday were hard as I had to make this same trip to get my Electrocardiogram so the specialist could have the results for this appointment and I barely made it through to that payday.

I struggled with doubt, as I went out to my appointment, that I would have enough gas, but Sunday came, I had driven a whole week to work and the gas gauge didn't leave the full mark, so we drove to church answering my son's prayer as he didn't want to walk it again.

Wednesday came along and the gas gauge had still not moved far off the full mark. I drove to my appointment and back. I woke up Thursday to still having a half a tank of fuel, this isn't possible I told myself in my thoughts, but God said nothing is impossible! I have to say I still have over a 1/4 of a tank of fuel.

I also struggle when I come to the realization that I won't be able to visit my daughter who moved a Province away. I had put my hope and plans in seeing if the money that it would cost to ship her stuff to her would just cover me driving out there with her stuff and getting to see her, I miss her terribly. I was getting excited with the anticipation of wrapping my arms around her and lifting her off the ground in the biggest bear hug yet. I told my daughter what my hopes were and she too was getting excited. Then the reality kicked back in and the bubble burst. How could I have been such a fool believing that I could afford to do this. Why didn't I just leave it as a surprise for my baby girl? But no, I had to tell her then I had to tell her I couldn't. I couldn't hold back the tears when I had to tell her as I knew I had not just hurt me but I had hurt her as well. I swore I would never do that to my children and here I did it....

I go back and forth with struggling with our finances and I don't know why I just do as the doubt creeps into my thoughts, the doubt that things will ever change. Will I ever be able to move or will I stay in this one spot, not knowing the way out.

I sometimes feel like the Caterpillar who is in the cocoon that God is transforming into a beautiful butterfly, but I seem to be stuck, not being able to break free of the cocoon  so that I can spread my wings.

I struggle with sin, it is like a roller coaster, just when I think I can trust God with every part of my life I find I pull back in doubt and insecurity. I try to fight the doubt and the insecurity but it grabs hold till I fall back into brokenness.

I wonder though if the brokenness is not a bad thing, yes it hurts and the pain can be unbearable at times. I'm finding though when I find myself in this brokenness I run back to my Heavenly Fathers arms and spend more time with him. I start praying more and I start reading his word more as I search for that safe place again, in his arms.

When I get deeper into his arms the peace returns and then eventually the joy returns back in my heart replacing where once sat the doubt and insecurity sat. 

I had hit a low point this last week and when I went back into God's arms with his word these are the scriptures he brought me too:

Ephesians 3:14-21

Numbers 6:24-26

Psalm 1:2

Psalm 16:5-11

Psalm 62:1-2

John 12:23-25

Mathew 13:31-32

Revelations 22:17

Mathew 5:1-12

Thank you God for your patience and love for me! Thank you for being my rock when all the other ground is sinking sand! Thank you for holding me together when all I want to do is fall apart! Thank you for being my provider when I can't provide for myself! Thank you for your forgiveness when I sin against you! Thank you for giving your Son so that I can be with you! In Jesus Precious Name Amen.

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