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Wednesday, December 22, 2010

Getting News & later experiencing conflict, not knowing whats right.

Well today was the day I went to the Cardiologist. I drove the hour long drive alone with my IPod cranked listening to my favorite praise/worship songs & Christmas tunes. I was so at peace for what ever the outcome.

I arrived to park in the free parking at the top of a steep hill & at the bottom of that hill was my appointment, no problem I thought & off down the hill I walked to my appointment. I waited for a little bit & then went in.

Dr. asked me if I thought I could do a stress test right now, if you don't know what a stress test is it is a test where you are hitched up to a bunch of wires that read your heart, while you start walking on a tread mill on an incline & as you go it speeds up & this continues until you can't do it anymore, then they get you to lie down as quick as you can and take your vitals.

After the stress test, I went back to the Dr's office next door. The Dr. explained that the hole in my heart will most likely need to be closed eventually but was ok to monitor right now & the reason for all the measuring & Stress test was so they had a base line measurement to compare future tests on. He said it was like flipping a coin on when it will need to be operated on but if I start experiencing, labored breathing reduced ability to do things or more flutters in my chest I am suppose to come back, otherwise I am to make an annual appointment to have an ultrasound & stress test done and my Dr. to monitor me the rest of the year. I praise God for the Good News!

Later tonight I had one of my triggers tripped that allows me to vent every feeling I have oppressed. Yes this is a uh oh moment, a moment where frustration rules & common sense leaves the building. I find my feelings at this point don't line up with the way I know they should & this opens up feelings of guilt, some times hate red for myself & confusion on what I should be feeling.

You see since I went through the trial with my daughter & got connected to my family at church I realized that I could be myself & not be criticized for it or be changed. I finally knew what unconditional love is. I now find myself struggling between the two worlds of my past & the what I know now, I am finding they are fighting for me within my being. I love my Mom & my family, but I know that relationships in my past were dysfunctional, but the programing is still there. I think that this is where I need to get on bended knee & ask God for guidance & strength to face what should be.

Last year when my daughter was going through what she went through my mom was with me when she had to be because we live in the same house & the rest of my family were no where to be found, we were on our own.

My trigger these days seem to be my family because I feel I am only associated with  when I can do something for them, I don't know if you have experienced one sided relationships. The trigger tonight was I have the next four days off work & I had made plans to devote the first two to baking for Christmas with my son to put some normalcy back into this Christmas for him, as his Dad is not sending for him & his sister will be spending Christmas with there Dad as she is already there.

I was told tonight that because my sister got out of hospital tonight that we were taking her to get her wheel chair tomorrow, taking her dog to the beauty parlor & taking her shopping since she hasn't started because she was in hospital. I understand these are needs she has & I should be compassionate and the thing to do would drop everything and help her. She is dieing & this is the right thing to do, but know for some reason I can't get free of the resentment I have towards my family. I think I have been mostly to blame for allowing myself to be put in this position.

Over the years I have always put myself last & would drop everything if asked for help & before I knew it I had lost me & not allowed anybody to know me because I was so busy trying to rescue my family always no matter what. Well now I so tired of being this person anymore that this is coming out on my family. I want to follow Christ but I have built a brick wall of not wanting to disappoint every one in my life I find I put God on the shelf sometimes because I am to busy being the person without a me. I struggle with guilt because all the reasons to help my family are good ones & they have been for years now, but I am so tired of living up to their expectations of who I should be & now that I know I can be excepted for who I truly am I don't want to be that person my family wants anymore. I feel Guilty but I would love to stand on a ladder & scream here I am please get to know who I am, there is a real person here inside that is trying to come out. I love to help people but I don't like feeling used & abused. I don't want to change who I am so I can receive your love.

I am so glad that my Saviour loves me unconditionally & has showed me what that means. I want to spend my life showing those who are like I was not knowing what unconditional love is & I would like to give them mine & introduce them to my Saviour who showed me.

Father help me be free of the resentment that poisons my heart towards my family & help me extend them your forgiveness, grace & unconditional love as I can't do it on my own.  Amen In Jesus Christ name.

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